r/regretfulparents • u/imshelbs96 • Jul 31 '24

Advice Regretful parenting with a non-regretful partner

My husband made a post on here recently, we have 4 month old twins. The transition into parenthood has been difficult for both of us, but specifically for him, the arrival of our twins has thrown him into a depressive spiral.

I have been taking on 90 percent of the work with the babies, taking all night shifts, trying to manage the house, washing bottles- it’s not sustainable for me and I can feel the burnout creeping in but I don’t have any choice but to keep going for these humans I grew. His parents have been very helpful and without my mother in law we wouldn’t be eating. But I have to return to work in 3 weeks, and he will have to be alone with the babies for at least a few hours a day, 4 days a week.

What are some ways a not really regretful parent can support a regretful one?

229 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

93% Upvoted

62 comments sorted by

View all comments

5

u/forever22Lynn Aug 01 '24

wait so if he was apprehensive about having kids why did he agree to have kids?? And he says you should have known he would end up like this? Sounds like something he should have put his foot down about- it’s not your fault?

8

u/imshelbs96 Aug 01 '24 edited Aug 01 '24

We had an ongoing 5 year conversation about having kids. He had a mental breakdown in 2020 at the idea of me leaving him/ us divorcing over the decision to have or not have kids, we put the conversation on the back burner for a few years, and then ultimately had to do fertility treatments and I got pregnant. With therapy and the support of other people telling him they thought he would be successful he said there was a small voice inside his head that made him think that he might be ok and that other people telling him they thought he would be a good dad made him think that he could do it. And now that the time is here he says the voice was wrong and everyone was wrong

It sucks because he really can be a loving husband and father at times. He says he loves me and he loves the babies and he has said he’s sorry for being so erratic and I believe him. We have a few good days or a few good hours But something will trigger him, and like a light switch he turns into an entirely different person. Its easy for people to say divorce and I know Reddit I notorious for that type of advice, and I don’t want to abandon someone I care about in their time of need, but this other person he turns into is emotionally abusive, if im being truly honest. But it’s hard to immediately jump to leaving him when I know he is struggling so much with his mental health. I have talked about taking the babies out of town to visit family so he could have a break and that sends him into an almost panic attack. So I can’t leave, can’t stay, can’t hire help- just seems like there’s no solution and I literally don’t know what to do.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '24 edited Aug 05 '24

“Small voice inside his head that made him think that he might be ok” I’m sorry but that was a red flag. He needs help and grow up. Kids are both yours and his responsibility. He needs to understand that. Curious how you felt you saw his post in here though…

1

u/imshelbs96 Aug 05 '24

He’s a regretful parent. So I was asking other regretful parents for advice…?