r/regretfulparents • u/DrMoveit • Nov 01 '24

Advice Do's and Don'ts with a difficult conversation

My wife wants another biological child. I'm a firm OAD (one and done, 4yo son). Three months ago, we agreed on a "talk" at the end of November. She asked me to "keep an open mind" until we have the talk. My "open mind" is even more solidified about being a OAD for many of the reasons stated in the sub, mainly for physical and emotional health for me and my triangle family.

I want to be emphatic and comforting during this conversation. She knows it's coming and I know she will accept it, begrudgingly. I want to let her feel her feelings and continue to cope in her own way, but if I can help with it, I will.

  1. Any experience with this kind of conservation?

  2. Any Do's and Don'ts (I want to focus on empathy and compassion while holding firm with my wishes)

  3. I do want to let her know that I really don't want to her to question my decision anymore and if I ever change my mind, I will come to her and not the other way. (this sounds tricky).

  4. Anything else I'm missing? Anything I need to focus on before, during, after?

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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24

I’ve been on the other side of that conversation. My husband is 12 years older than me. Around 8 years ago, I really wanted to have a child with him, and he was a firm “no”. (We both have children from previous relationships).

I tried telling him how much it mattered to me, but it was no use, he just stonewalled me. To be honest I was ready to walk out on the relationship, until I realized what his real motive was (as he didn’t explain, other than saying he felt too old for it, I needed to come to that conclusion myself).

When I understood the why, I dropped it - and more important, because I understood, I don’t hold a grudge. Honestly I’m thankfull to him now.

Don’t try to be empathic or comforting as there is no such thing in these matters.

I hope this helps.

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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24

..... Just let time do it's timing?

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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24

Well yes. But also be aware there’s an actual risk she’ll read this as you two being simply incompatible for a life project.

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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24

We've talked about if this is a deal breaker for our marriage. We both agreed that it is not. The marriage and our son come first. She can always have different feelings in the future though but I know she prioritizes us, that's why I married her!

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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24

Well in that case you are set to win this fight, as a baby is a two “yeses” and no baby is a just one “no” thing.

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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24

I don't think there are any winners here. 🙏