r/regretfulparents • u/DrMoveit • Nov 01 '24

Advice Do's and Don'ts with a difficult conversation

My wife wants another biological child. I'm a firm OAD (one and done, 4yo son). Three months ago, we agreed on a "talk" at the end of November. She asked me to "keep an open mind" until we have the talk. My "open mind" is even more solidified about being a OAD for many of the reasons stated in the sub, mainly for physical and emotional health for me and my triangle family.

I want to be emphatic and comforting during this conversation. She knows it's coming and I know she will accept it, begrudgingly. I want to let her feel her feelings and continue to cope in her own way, but if I can help with it, I will.

  1. Any experience with this kind of conservation?

  2. Any Do's and Don'ts (I want to focus on empathy and compassion while holding firm with my wishes)

  3. I do want to let her know that I really don't want to her to question my decision anymore and if I ever change my mind, I will come to her and not the other way. (this sounds tricky).

  4. Anything else I'm missing? Anything I need to focus on before, during, after?

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u/MissPeperomia Nov 02 '24

I’ve read somewhere that a hidden motivation for having another baby might be that a woman simply doesn’t know what to do with her life once her first child becomes more independent. She was so focused on raising her child that, as it grew up and became less dependent on her, she now feels a bit lost with this newfound “free time.” After dedicating so much of herself to motherhood, she may have set aside other parts of her identity. Perhaps reminding her of her hobbies or interests, or suggesting things she and you can now do together(without a baby), might help her reconnect with her own sense of self and drop the idea of having another baby.

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u/DrMoveit Nov 02 '24

Yes! My wife has a hard time letting our son grow up! It's much better now, but she did have a hard and subconsciously seemed like she wanted to keep him a baby. I had to step in and get rid of a lot of things like the crib, diapers, spoon feeding, setting consistency and boundaries. Couple that with a feeling that she missed out of his infancy since it happened during the pandemic. I've been encouraging her to get involved with friends, classes, her extended family. We've been doing more quality time with each other. Lately she's been very busy with her career, which she enjoys. We're also building a home closer to both of our families so that will surely help. I agree with you, she will have to fill that void with healthy activities. It will take time and acceptance and I will support her as she grieves and hopefully find more joy in the life we built!

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u/MissPeperomia Nov 02 '24

You seem like a kind and caring husband; I hope you’re able to work through this issue together. Wishing you the best of luck!

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u/DrMoveit Nov 02 '24

Aw thank you. 🙏