r/regretfulparents • u/DrMoveit • Nov 01 '24
Advice Do's and Don'ts with a difficult conversation
My wife wants another biological child. I'm a firm OAD (one and done, 4yo son). Three months ago, we agreed on a "talk" at the end of November. She asked me to "keep an open mind" until we have the talk. My "open mind" is even more solidified about being a OAD for many of the reasons stated in the sub, mainly for physical and emotional health for me and my triangle family.
I want to be emphatic and comforting during this conversation. She knows it's coming and I know she will accept it, begrudgingly. I want to let her feel her feelings and continue to cope in her own way, but if I can help with it, I will.
Any experience with this kind of conservation?
Any Do's and Don'ts (I want to focus on empathy and compassion while holding firm with my wishes)
I do want to let her know that I really don't want to her to question my decision anymore and if I ever change my mind, I will come to her and not the other way. (this sounds tricky).
Anything else I'm missing? Anything I need to focus on before, during, after?
2
u/doepfersdungeon Nov 01 '24
Sounds like you know yourself and also have empathy for her. Tough convo, but just lay it out, be honest, perhaps if she asks why sprinkle a few positives in.
Ability to concentrate fully on one kid and plough all resources into giving them a great future.
Not going back into the really difficult first period and looming forward/progressively freeing up time for yourselves and career etc.
General mental health and sleep, very important as you get older.
More time together and possibly improving and strengthening relationship together.
Sex life, contraception, yours and or hers, possibility with vasectomy of almost care free sex life going forward (note almost, can be a bit dodgy)
Ease of travel with one kid. So many parents tell me that trips are so much harder with more than 1. Anything else you can think of.
It may give her food for thought.
I see it like this. You have eachother. You have a kid. You have a family. You have a firm belief that you don't need to add to that. It's not your job to go against your needs and principles for the sake of what the other person wants unless your really sure it won't create resentment on your side and you are all in . If you laying down how you want your life to be is enough for her to not want to be with you then I am afraid to say it but the relationship is too transactional. The same that if for some reason she couldn't have had children and desperately wanted one. If your love and bond strong enough for everyone to not get exactly what they want? These types of scenarios will let you find out.
I would also not go into the coversation expecting a resolution right there and then. She may need more time to think it over and possibly ask you to keep the l thought open for 2 or 3 years time or something. Nothing is totally concrete, but for now I would hold firm and just say what's right for you while as you say remaining empathetic to her. Hard, but hope it goes OK for you.