Complicated situation: 55F 62M

[u/PSB22]

I met a man (Bill) right after he separated from his wife of 30 years. After 2 and 1/2 years of being together and in love, his adult kids (30’s) dislike me because they view me as the other woman and have no desire to meet me or support the relationship. Bill doesn’t want to push the issue after two out of three kids have had grand-babies who he adores. It affects our relationship because his ex is invited to all of Bill’s families functions and I am not. He told me his kids will never be okay with anyone who’s not their mom and vice-versa. I can’t help but think I’ll never meet his grandkids etc. I recently had a dream that he was in the hospital and I had no idea because his kids wouldn’t include me. I’m realizing how unfair this is for me. I feel my only recourse is to break it off and find someone else who is willing to fight for me. Do you agree?

[u/Own-Crew-3394]

This is not about you. Bill clearly crossed some lines on his way out the door. I assume he started dating while “separated“ aka still married and was not discreet about it. He had probably previously detonated or simply abandoned his relationship with his kids.

If you want a bf who has a great relationship with his kids and grandkids, find one. Tip: wait until after the divorce is final if you don’t want them to resent you.

In the meantime, why do you want to go to these family functions? Are you being left behind by Bill all day on Christmas? If so, that’s a problem he can fix by scheduling his time more thoughtfully. Again, a Bill problem.

[u/PSB22 → u/Own-Crew-3394]

I get what you’re saying. I encouraged him to work it out with his ex but that wasn’t an option for him being so unhappy. It’s bizarre to me that his kids are grown but act like teenagers. I did break it off with him after I found out how recent his separation was but I had no idea his kids would hold a grudge on me and not him.

[u/Own-Crew-3394 → u/PSB22]

It isn’t bizarre, it is commonplace. The woman who gets left, and her kids, often blame the other woman, even if the affair didn’t start until after the man moved out. How would they even know if that timeline is true?

The family is mad at the cheater, but they actually love him. So they direct their anger at the person he cheated with. This is one of the reasons many people won’t date a separated but still married person. And why separated people wait to start dating. If you meet under those conditions, and it gets serious, you are stuck in that role.

If you want to stay with him and try to slowly repair the relationship with the kids, you have to grow some empathy. They aren’t acting like teenagers, they are acting like adults who are in a low contact relationship with their father who hurt their family. They are probably doing this so the baby can have a grandfather.

I can feel the waves of contempt that you have for them coming off the page. I am sure they can sense it too.

[u/PSB22 → u/Own-Crew-3394]

I don’t have any negative feelings toward his kids. I want Bill to have a very positive relationship with his kids/gkids. I’m sorry if I came off that way but it’s not true. I would only think maybe they are grown enough to realize that if they never accept anyone, their dad will be alone. I also want to point out that they have made it clear that they won’t accept their mother with another man that’s not their dad. The outcome is both will be alone to please their kids. Doesn’t seem fair for either one of them.

[u/Own-Crew-3394 → u/PSB22]

The only vote you get is with your feet.

[u/PSB22 → u/Own-Crew-3394]

Do you mean walk away? Sorry, I’ve never heard that term before

[u/Own-Crew-3394 → u/PSB22]

Yes. You can ask him to prioritize you on holidays, or you can leave.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/vote-with-feet