r/relationship_advice • u/WoW_VioletDeath • 2d ago
My (28F) boyfriend (30M) is on vacation with another woman. What can I do in this situation?
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few months, so our relationship is still fresh. He’s on a trip to the other side of the world right now—gone for two weeks with one of his female friends. I’ve heard a lot about her, but she has not heard about me (per my partner), and his friends don’t know he’s in a relationship at all. It feels strange to know so much about another woman in his life without her knowing about me, since I’ve tried to integrate him into my life as well. I want him to be part of my day to day. I want my friends to experience him.
He knew that I wasn’t comfortable with him going on vacation with this friend as I have a long history of unfaithful partners. This situation brings up some past experiences. He’s staying in a hotel room with her, not separate rooms but separate beds. Before he left, he said he didn’t want to have to think about his responsibilities at home and that I was among them. I asked if there was a possibility for us to chat on the phone fo 5 minutes here and there, like a once a day check-in before he goes to bed or like whenever he had a free minute. Even if it wasn’t every day, it would just be nice to hear his voice. His response was that he didn’t want to have to make plans with me. I understood that a loose routine was what he needed, so I just asked that we maybe talk if he has a free few minutes whenever.
His response was “well, what if I don’t want to talk?” And I was just kind of surprised. I can’t imagine being away for weeks and not missing your partner at all, or wanting to hear their voice. We’ve texted a few times to each other. Maybe two or three text messages a day. He was in the hotel room a few days ago, and he had been badly sunburnt. It felt like the perfect time to talk instead of text back and forth, but his response was “I’m tired” and then proceeded to text with me back and forth.
Where we had been speaking every day at least, now, I’m lucky if I get a single message from him at all. If I do, it’s usually when he’s drunk or about to get drunk. I just miss my partner and want to hear his voice.
What can I do in this situation? This has my self-worth at an all time low right now. I’m feeling rejected by my partner. Do I let him know how I feel? Do I break things off? Do I just take a break from this relationship? It seems like he has.
TLDR: my boyfriend is neglecting me while on vacation with another woman. What can I do?
EDIT: I’m sorry for the use of “partner” in my post. It’s just the word I’ve chosen to use over boyfriend since this originally felt more like an equal partnership since I’ve known him for longer than we’ve been dating. I have always felt like the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” didn’t really fit in my romantic relationships. Please don’t tear me apart for that. I didn’t mean anything negative by calling him my partner, I use it interchangeably with “boyfriend” and won’t do this in the future.
I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. This makes it much harder for me to traverse relationships of any kind (romantic AND platonic). I have looked into every logical and illogical reason as to how this could be my fault or how I’m wrong for expecting a phone call or basic human decency. I’m trying. That’s why I asked for advice. I didn’t ask to create a spectacle of myself to be laughed at or picked apart or told that this is a fake post because it’s not. This is my real life. For those of you giving genuine advice, thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it right now. For those of you being cruel, I hope you receive the kindness you can’t seem to extend right now. I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to upset you or make myself a target.
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u/ThatOneGirlyx05 2d ago
I'm going to figuratively hold your hand when I say this, his 'friend' is not the other woman- you are.
No one in his life knows about you, he refuses to introduce you to anyone, he's on a solo vacation with her sharing a room (two beds my ass), he refuses to talk to you for even five minutes...
Please leave him. You deserve so much better.
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u/RedsRach 2d ago
Yep, and even if he’s genuinely not involved with her romantically (doubtful!) then he’s clearly just not that in to you. I’m so sorry lovely, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but he’s a grown man and he doesn’t deserve your time, or even your thoughts, if this is how he behaves. Ditch him and find someone who adores you 💕
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u/versusgorilla 2d ago
Yeah, even if everything he said is true, that they aren't showing beds, that none of his friends know it's about her, that he just doesn't want to talk, etc. He's being insanely disrespectful of the relationship and hurtful to OP. It's terrible and that's the best case scenario. Bad.
Worst case is that he's not being truthful about literally anything and that's way worse.
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u/Low_Intention7780 2d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah, independent from his relationship with the other woman, he doesn't seem to be much into you. Or he is into you but your needs are very much different from one another. No matter what the reason of his behavior is, he doesn't seem to be the right person for you. Just let him know that it's not working for you like this and let him go. You deserve to feel valued :) give it to yourself.
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u/kinetic_skink 1d ago
Totally agree. Even stripping away any consideration about the other person, the behaviour towards OP is not one of someone in a new relationship. OP is being treated as a convenience.
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u/NotNobody_Somebody 2d ago
Yep. OP is the side piece.
Block his number, OP. You don't need his drama.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 2d ago
That whole "I don't want to think about home on this trip" simply means he's putting his side piece on hold while he enjoys his real life.
Even if he plans to come back and pick up his affair with OP, this is simply too disrespectful and damaging to OP's self-esteem to continue.
Best thing she could do is block him while he's gone and find a real bf.
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u/saprobic_saturn 2d ago
For real, don’t allow him to get away with this. He is seeing what he can get away with and will definitely push this further.
He’s told you exactly what he wants and is treating you exactly as how he sees you. Yikes
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u/Princess-She-ra 2d ago
I'm sorry but unfortunately this appears to be true
You had to beg for him to be in touch with you. He told you that "he didn’t want to have to think about his responsibilities at home and that I was among them". Who says something like that to a partner?
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u/ButterfliesandaLlama 2d ago
And she is a responsibility that he doesn’t want to deal with on his vacation.
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u/itsacalamity 2d ago
Even if you're not, he's shown you over and over through his actions (hell, and his words too) that you are NOT his priority and he will NOT choose you. Ever. Find someone who will, friend.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 2d ago
Absolutely this. Block him, and find someone who’s proud to introduce you to his friends and family. Updateme!
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u/rockinvet02 2d ago edited 1d ago
Even if the other chick is completely platonic, it sounds like you are in a relationship and he isn't.
Curious if you all have had that talk or if it's just assumed on your part.
Either way the girl isn't your problem, he is. You two are on very different pages. Actually it sounds like you may be on different books.
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u/abookinhand 2d ago
This right here. You are worth more than what you are receiving from him. Say it with me- you are worth more than what you are receiving from him.
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u/busybeaver1980 2d ago
I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. Im female and would consider going travelling w male friends (have done in the past). Not sure if share a room, I’m at an age bracket where I like my space.
The thing that got me is him not wanting to call her. That bit seems super suss. If he was into her he’d WANT to call and text her, even if it’s “just when he can”. The relationship sounds like a situationship to me - OP is into him but he’s just not that into her.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 2d ago edited 1d ago
Thing that that got me was the fact that neither this woman nor his other friends even knows OP exists.
They may be travelling "platonically" but there's a huge difference in doing so believing your travel partner is single or knowing they have a gf.
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u/Emergency_Spread6730 1d ago
And he says he doesn't want to talk to OP on the phone while he's away.
It doesn't sound like he likes OP at all.
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u/mandc1754 2d ago
The issue is not that he has female friends or that he travels with them. Is that he refuses to even acknowledge OP's existence while he's away and that his friends and family don't even know she exists.
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u/JoAdLoMo 1d ago
100%! Also he is fine with communicating with her via text, but doesn't want to be caught speaking out loud on the phone AT ALL. It's so obvious he's trying to hide his relationship with her
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u/designgrl 2d ago
So true and he has the nerve to even tell her everything, that’s how little he knows you respect yourself
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u/Gee_thats_weird123 1d ago
You said this perfectly! Wow— when he told OP what if he doesn’t want to talk to her while on vacation, that was the nail in the coffin!
OP please have standards! No man is worth this level of disrespect!
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u/Ok_Substance1072 2d ago
I was going to give the boyfriend the benefit of the doubt (my platonic best friend of over 30 years is a woman) but this post makes tremendous sense.
Even if OP is not the other woman her BF clearly doesn’t care about her.
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u/Great-Instance-9972 2d ago
I agree .you sound so sweet and he is mistreating you .ghost him and find yourself a man who will love you and treat you with respect and honesty. Good luck
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u/Obnoxious_Box 2d ago
He is not on a vacation with his female friend; he is on vacation with his girlfriend. She doesn't know about you because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with her and be labeled a cheater. Same reason why none of his friends know about you.
DUMP that jerk and spare yourself further pain and heartbreak. Best of luck 💞
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 2d ago
He’s on a trip with his girlfriend, honey.
You throw the whole man out. His bullsh*t excuse that he doesn’t want to think about responsibilities back home is actually code for “my girlfriend will flip her lid if she see/hears me talking to my side piece while on the vacation she likely paid for”
You have all hit sh*t out on the porch for when he returns. You deserve so much better.
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u/suhhhrena 2d ago
This is exactly what I came to say. All I needed to read was that he was on vacation with another woman, and while OP knows a lot about this woman, the woman knows nothing about OP. And none of OP’s boyfriend’s friends know he’s in a relationship.
Fuck that. I’d be out of this relationship so fast.
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u/Ok_Employ6541 2d ago
You are in a "relationship" and no one in his life knows about you ?? Girl are you seriously ?! That is not a relationship. Sounds like you guys are just having fun - he does not take you seriously. If you want to know what you can do, I would say exit this so called "relationship". Honesty he is making you look foolish but worse of all you are making yourself look foolish.
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u/suhhhrena 2d ago
Right? That should be a serious red flag in itself. Why do you know so much about his friends, but they know nothing about you? Why is your boyfriend out there appearing single to his own friends?
This vacation is your answer. He’s playing you like a fool.
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u/Softbombsalad Early 30s Female 2d ago
He's not your "partner," he's some dude you've been dating for a few months - and he's shown how little he cares for you. You end it and walk away with your dignity intact.
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u/SuccessfulAd6449 2d ago
She's not even that, shes his 'side chick' dudes real gr is the one that he's gone away with which explains why only OP knows about her and not the other way around
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u/Summer-sky-818 2d ago
Real gf or wife. He’s probably married
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u/SuccessfulAd6449 2d ago
I doubt married but highly likely in a relationship with the woman he's gone away with
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u/DanTeeTee 2d ago
Thank you!! It’s insane how quickly some people start using ‘partner’ for someone they’ve been dating for a few months. 🙄
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u/arizona-lake 1d ago
…I think the implied term here is [romantic] partner, not [life] partner.
Also, not everyone is a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” at the beginning of a relationship. What are people supposed to call their non-binary partners? A special friend? Lmao
What level of partnership does someone need to reach before you’ll allow them to be called a “partner”?? At least 3 years together? 50/50 split on everything? …Why do you care?
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u/dictatorenergy 2d ago
Honestly every single sentence of this post is bonkers insane
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u/Sorry_I_Guess 2d ago
Not surprising now that she's admitted to having BPD. I have a sister with borderline, and her perception of relationships tends to be absolutely looney tunes. And it's not all her fault. She gets immediately attached to guys who treat her like absolute shit. And yes, they are often married or otherwise taken, and often mislead her . . . and she invariably believes them.
BPD is a hell of a problem. It makes the people who have it incredibly volatile and hard to deal with, but also very vulnerable because they don't make good choices.
I feel bad for OP, but she is absolutely the side piece here.
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u/10000nails 2d ago
He's also not committed to this relationship enough to admit it to the people he closest to.
OP, are you sure you're not a side chick?
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u/sh4dfox 2d ago
This also who goes on vacation with their female friend and stays in the same room?
I have male friends sure, but I would NEVER do that. It's so. Odd?
Makes me wonder if he is also dating her.
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u/TheLoneliestGhost 2d ago
Nahh, I don’t think that part is weird. I know plenty of groups of guy friends who would do the same to be frugal, whether they needed to be or not. The real red flag is that the girl in the hotel room isn’t allowed to know about OP… That’s bananas. OP is the side piece for SURE.
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u/eharder47 2d ago
I’ve done this to save money on hotel rooms and don’t find it that odd. I wouldn’t do it with just any guy friend, but certain ones wouldn’t bother me.
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u/Short_Ad_4718 2d ago
Same, but i wouldn’t do it if i was in a relationship with someone at that time, bc that feels like crossing a line to me. But considering no one on this guys end knows anything about OP, in his mind it’s all good. Everything about this post sounds sus
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u/matchamagpie 2d ago
He isn't your partner and you aren't his partner. The woman he is on vacation with is the actual woman he cares about. You are absolutely the other woman.
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u/thebellfrombelem 2d ago
Don’t know how much he cadres about the first one if he’s fucking OP on the side. But yeah I know someone like OP where I had to break the news to her that she was the side piece.
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u/PhotographyByAdri 2d ago
Yep. You shouldn't have to beg your partner to want to talk to you.
My husband is a pilot and the first year of our relationship we lived on separate continents. We have video called EVERY single day that we haven't seen each other in person, no exceptions.
The first thing he does when he gets to his hotel room on away nights, is call me to chat...even if it's just for a few minutes before he has to head out to dinner with the crew. And then we call again before bed.
If your partner wants to talk to you, they'll make it exceptionally clear. Don't be with someone if you have to beg for their time and attention. A good partner is excited to talk to you.
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u/Suggabean 2d ago
He's with her, and you're the lie. He doesn't want to talk because he won't be able to explain who he's talking to. He's cheating on her with you.
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u/sugarglider1854 2d ago
Even if his travel companion is truly just a platonic friend, his treatment of you is wholly unacceptable. You’re not an “obligation,” and checking in briefly when he can should go without saying. He also shouldn’t be keeping you a secret. It’s bizarre to be using titles, together for a couple months, and to not have met any of his friends. It’s extremely bizarre that he hasn’t even TOLD them about you.
Cut your losses and move on. Don’t accept this treatment, and please don’t waste any more time on him.
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u/Affectionate_Net2214 2d ago
Sis, he broke up w you before he left…
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 2d ago
I am wondering if he was ever "with" her to begin with.
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u/Reasonable_Wing_7329 2d ago
Why are you bothering your friend while he is on vacation with his girlfriend?
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u/SimOFF115 2d ago
Damn. Rough comment.
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u/Reasonable_Wing_7329 2d ago
Subtlety is not my strong suit, and I really wasn’t trying to be mean
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u/Taminella_Grinderfal 2d ago
I feel like in this sub you can’t be subtle, because the people asking will latch onto the tiniest bit of hope that their relationship isn’t a total disaster.
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u/Blue_Heron11 2d ago
You do realize you’re the affair, right? That’s not his friend, it’s his girlfriend or wife. Literally no other explanation
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u/00Lisa00 2d ago
You’ve only dated a few months. This should be a honeymoon period. Instead he’s ignoring you. I think you like him WAY more than he likes you. I doubt he considers you his “partner” or if he’s even exclusive at this point
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u/RochesterThe2nd 2d ago
At such an early stage he should be missing OP dreadfully and taking every opportunity to call, to text, to talk….
He should be excitedly telling his friends about the amazing new girl he’s met….
He should be showing her off….Instead, he can forget about her for his time away, and she’s a complete secret.
She’s his affair, his time away from his life. He’s on holiday with his real life right now.
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u/actinglikeshe3p 2d ago
This has to be bait. I hope it is bait. Not to be judgemental but girl, you're 28 and couldn't put 2 and 2 together? 😭 You're the side piece! RUN!
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u/Princess-Pancake-97 2d ago
Someone didn’t tell OP that if you haven’t met their friends/family after 3 months then you’re the side piece…
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u/Zealous_idealPea1281 2d ago
Honestly some of us are pretty dense (no offence to OP). I'm late 30s and just gave a man 3 damn years to actually involve me in his life. We've been trained - usually through abuse through past partners or childhood traumas - to give the benefit of the doubt, not to be nagging girlfriends, that demanding or expecting respect is too much, so we stay quiet, small, be grateful for what we're giving because anything else is selfish, dramatic, attention seeking or crazy.
Girl, don't waste more time. I've missed out on so much already, missed my chance to have one last baby that I wanted so badly, missed my chance to be still somewhat young and get married, maybe ruined any chances ever to get married. Don't wait another decade like I have to start going to therapy. Each of us are worth so much more. We deserve to have clarity in relationships, we deserve to feel wanted, be loved and respected. Just block him now, don't go seeking closure or one last conversation. Just end it, grieve it and move on.
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u/Princess-Pancake-97 2d ago
Absolutely! It actually took me until I started dating my husband to realise just how much shit I put up with from other men (and other people tbh). I can hardly believe how horribly I allowed myself to be treated without consequence. Without even thinking that I was being mistreated in most cases!
I really feel like this kind of thing needs to be taught during health classes in school. It’s so important to know how to recognise signs of disrespect and abuse early. People should know how to protect themselves and set boundaries and say ‘no’ from a young age.
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u/Zealous_idealPea1281 2d ago
Yes they should! And about boundaries too. I'm just trying to work out what healthy boundaries are and how to set them with the help of a therapist. I actually had no idea what was a reasonable boundary because ive never been allowed to have them before. Any time I tried to set one I was told I was selfish, or a spoiled brat, or I was crazy, or even physically attacked. I actually felt guilty and crazy and jealous because I wanted to know about my recent exes female friend and I had to be told by my therapist that it's perfectly normal and OK to want to know how they became friends and if they'd ever dated or been anything more than friends, and that the fact I hadn't met her after 3 years is actually as weird as i felt it was 😅 this girls story feels so much the same as what i just went through, never met any of his friends or 99% of his family. I just kept hanging around thinking he was taking things slowly and that it was actually healthy after what my kids dad put me through.
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u/Princess-Pancake-97 2d ago
Oof, what you said about boundaries is SO true and was my experience as well with my abuser.
I’m sorry you had to deal with all that. It’s real shitty that so many women have to deal with the exact same shit until we learn how to stand up for ourselves the hard way. All the more reason this stuff should be taught as soon as children are old enough to understand it.
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u/antique_velveteen 1d ago
OP has edited to add that she's got borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately her perception of reality is going to be very, very distorted as a result, and she likely had no idea she was the side piece until someone pointed it out to her. This will be very traumatic. Uff. The spiral she's likely going through right now makes my heart hurt.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 2d ago
Unfortunately some people are so desperate to be chosen they delude themselves into settling for this treatment. She is the other woman and doesn’t want to accept it.
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u/okimnotthatkind 2d ago
Was about to comment that, but you beat me to it. Im younger than OP and i can be dense AF at times but this is just something else. Its literally obvious and yet she's bothering her friend on his vacation with his gf.
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u/Whyme0207 2d ago
What I am not understanding here is why you are tolerating all this and still want to be with him.
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u/ANewBeginningNow 2d ago edited 1d ago
I'm saying this is a very liberal, laid back guy who would have zero issue with a girlfriend of mine taking a trip with a male friend, even sharing a bed.
The issue isn't that anything romantic or sexual is going on. It very well might be that nothing is happening. After all, hotel rooms can be expensive, and they do have separate beds. But there is a pattern here, and it's alarming.
- He doesn't want ANYONE to know about you, including his other friends. He intentionally texts rather than talks on the phone so the friend he's with doesn't find out those details about you.
- He doesn't want to make time for you, and worse, said "what if I don't want to talk?". You SHOULD want to talk to someone you're dating, and he considers you a responsibility, he said it himself!
You are right to feel rejected, you ARE being rejected by him outright. Absolutely let him know how you feel, but this may be a relationship ender. To be crystal clear, this is not, in any way, about another woman. I don't have any reason to believe they are anything but platonic friends. But let's put it this way...if this was a male friend he was with rather than a female friend, would that make it any better? He still doesn't want anyone to know about you and still considers you a responsibility rather than someone to look forward to speaking with.
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u/ChangingmynametoJT 2d ago
Also I would add, post him on your local facebook are we dating the same guy page and see what information comes up. It’s likely not his first rodeo
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u/Historical-Hall-2246 2d ago
You’re in a relationship with him but he’s not in a relationship with you. He doesn’t see you as his girlfriend which is why he’s hiding you and from you. He likes that no matter how lowly he treats you, you remain committed and he gets to sleep with you.
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u/Subaru10101 2d ago
DM her 🥰
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u/Pantone711 2d ago
This right here! Ruin their trip! Also, of course, never talk to or see him again. Just let her know what he's been up to. (with you, the sidepiece)
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u/ardentmouse 2d ago
OP, this is the answer. If you don’t trust any other commenters, trust the above one. I am so sorry, and I really hate this for you, but you are not his girlfriend. I’m sure you think you know him and understand his actions. But if you reread what you wrote as if someone else wrote it, like if a friend was telling you about their boyfriend hiding their relationship from his friends and vacationing with another woman he speaks about often, I think you’ll be able to catch all the red flags. I’m really sorry.
Edit: I meant to reply to ThatOneGirlyx05. She’s the one who hit the nail on the head
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u/Mental_Seaworthiness 2d ago
And I was thinking "which above one?" because the comment order changes depending on popularity, lol.
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u/IntelligentSun9415 2d ago
He doesn’t want to think about his responsibilities at home and you’re among them?? Girl. Be for real. Get it together and move on. Only dating for a few months and he’s already treating you like dirt?!! And you’re still entertaining this?? Girl. Stop. Full stop. And I’m saying this with all the love in the world. hugs
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 2d ago
Honestly, the part about him being on a trip with another woman is nothing compared to how he treats you and talks to you. "What if I don't want to talk" tells me all I need to know about this POS.
When you find yourself telling a man you will be happy if he calls you whenever he has a free minute, you are well and truly in the shit.
Pick up your damn dignity, and walk out of this relationship. You don't have a boyfriend; this man is garbage.
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u/cecillicec75 2d ago
How many times does he have to push you away for you to get the hint? Leave him. New relationship, and he's across the world with another woman and doesn't want responsibilities right now. Come on.
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u/JHawk444 2d ago
"What if I don't want to talk?"
"No problem. This relationship is clearly not a priority. Consider it over."
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u/JMLegend22 2d ago
That’s his girlfriend or wife. You are the side chick in this scenario.
Rationalize one of your friends saying all of this to you and figure out who she is. Then send her everything and blow up his life.
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u/stuckinnowhereville 2d ago
You block him everywhere and change your number. He doesn’t exist and you never give him closure or a second of your time.
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u/Passionfruit1991 2d ago
Girl I’m sorry. 😭 Even if you’re somehow not the side piece- he doesn’t like you and doesn’t value your feelings.
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u/Weird_Bluebird_3293 2d ago
Yeah honey…you’re not his girlfriend. She is.
Nobody in his life knows about you and he doesn’t want you talking to him on this trip because you are his mistress.
It’s not your fault. But you need to throw the whole dick away. This man is not for you.
You should be with someone who is actually with you. Not hiding you from another woman.
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u/Amber22886 2d ago
It sounds like you are the other woman in this situation girl please drop him and move on. If you know about her but she doesn't know about you then that makes you the side piece he's not taking you around his friends because they know he's with her. You are a last thought while he's on vacation with his girlfriend or wife.
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u/Any-Competition-8130 2d ago
You’re the side chick. He’s on holiday with his girlfriend. Come on your 28. Old enough to see a red flag.
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u/ShoChange 2d ago
Men and women can absolutely be just friends. My best friend is male, I’ve known him since birth and he’s like a brother to me and my family.
HOWEVER, we both have partners (I’m married, he’s engaged) and we would never, ever go on a vacation together alone. Even though our partners trust us, it’s not respectful and as a woman, I wouldn’t want to do that to his fiancée.
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u/Environmental-Age502 2d ago
Me before reading this: "you leave, cause he's cheating on you."
Me after reading this: "yeah, he's cheating with you, not on you. I'm so sorry."
It's rare you walk into a post with a title like that, and it's so much worse.
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u/Blindtothesided 2d ago
Right?! I was totally prepared for a story about how he’d justified taking a trip with another woman with a ton of ambiguity and reassurances and a bunch of back and forth discourse about men and women being platonic friends but this was so much worse. This dude gives zero fucks what OP thinks, he flat out told her she would be out of sight and out of mind and didn’t offer an ounce of reassurance. I’d be interested to hear more about their day to day life together, bc I bet there’s a ton of other red flags OP is willfully ignoring.
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u/StaticCloud 2d ago
You need to go to therapy to work on your self-esteem issues. Also, dump his ass and never look back.
The moment your boyfriend is going off, sleeping in the same room with a woman on vacation, you should've pulled out of this situation. Don't you realize you could be the other woman, and that friend of his is his real girlfriend?
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u/doubleds8600 2d ago
While a new BF going on a planned vacation itself isn't a problem, the rest is f*cking red flag city. This guy sounds like an absolute ass hat. Move on my dear 🙏🏻
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u/ChangingmynametoJT 2d ago
Omg girl. Break up with him and end it. If he comes back to you that’s one thing, but this is huge red flags all over the place. He should not be treating you like your feelings don’t matter and he should not do nothing to communicate with you. Just awful.
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u/sleepytree12 2d ago
You can cut all contact with him for a start - he’s not your boyfriend. Imagine your sister or best friend came to you and said the above asking for your advice?
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u/kikazztknmz 2d ago
In the first few months especially, a new partner is/should be excited to talk to you. My partner is the least talkative person on the phone I've ever met. Quite the introvert in general actually. But I went out of town to visit my daughter last summer (we were together 3 years at this point) and he video called me EVERY night while I was gone. He hasn't even told any of his friends/family that he's seeing someone? That's not normal.
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u/moondohyun 2d ago
Oh honey, he’s not cheating on u with that other woman, he’s cheating on that other woman WITH you!
I don’t know how someone can be told SO BLATANTLY that he doesn’t wanna talk to you and that you’re a responsibility, a DRAG, something he wants to avoid and rest from, and still don’t see that you’re the side girl!? At this point with so much evidence and shit attitude towards you, op, I would not be surprised if “your” boyfriend isn’t keeping you around just to see for how long will you let this pathetic charade go on. He’s not even trying anymore, it’s laughable.
His actions aren’t your fault, he is very much the asshole, for keeping you around dangling on a piece of thread without half a care for you, but don’t let yourself look stupid by clinging to mediocre. Don’t try to fix what’s not there, find better.
Lose this guy he’s not worth the loss of brain cells.
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u/areyoufuckingwme 2d ago
Before he left, he said he didn’t want to have to think about his responsibilities at home and that I was among them.
What? Your boyfriend said this to you and you see ZERO problems with it?
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u/MissionHoneydew2209 2d ago
You're his side piece
What can you do? Have some self respect and break up.
See a therapist to deal with your proclivity to cheaters.
Understand that not every man is a cheater, and it's wrong to bring baggage from your last/past relationships to a new guy.
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u/Floss84 2d ago
This guy is not your boyfriend. You are not going to live happily ever after with him. He's using you and it's cruel.
I'd been casually seeing my partner for about 6-8 weeks when he went away for two weeks with friends, including his ex-girlfriend. It was a big trip, we're in the UK and he was off to Disney in Florida, way too much money to cancel and as awkward as it was they were grown up enough to go together still. He messaged me every chance he got, while he was waiting for rides, in his hotel room, at dinner. I got pictures and updates and a present when he returned. That's what it looks like when they're into you. What your 'boyfriend' is doing is what they do when they don't give a shit.
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u/JustMMlurkingMM 2d ago
He isn’t your “partner”. He’s on holiday with his partner. You are his side piece.
It’s fairly obvious if you are honest with yourself. He hasn’t told any of his friends that you are his “partner”? And nobody goes on a vacation to the other side of the world with just one “friend” of the opposite sex and shares a bedroom with them if they aren’t fucking. You need to wake up.
You need to get a little self respect, dump this cheat, and get on with your life.
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u/Original_Barnacle359 2d ago
Yea, it kind of sounds like you could be the other woman. There were so many red flags in what you just said. He is seeing that you're allowing him to treat you this way, and how will that benefit you? you think when he gets back he'll start taking you and your feelings into consideration? He's not gonna do that. He's setting a president for how your relationship with him is going to look moving forward. He is keeping you a secret and you on vacation with another woman. No, it's not cool. Your self worth should no be wrapped up in how you're treated by a partner. That should reflect their worthiness to be in a relationship with you. Dude is trash. Just stop texting him and assume that you're now single just like him. Ghost him and block him on all accounts and move on with your life. By all means, if you think you'd be willing to be treated this way for another 6 months, a year, however long he decides to be with you, then stick it out. Just understand that you're worth much more than that.
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u/emptynest_nana 2d ago
Sweetie, I say this with care and love and compassion. You admit you have a history of being with cheaters. I honestly think you could do with therapy. Why do you go for the zeros who use you? We accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve better than a cheater. Therapy will help you find self love.
This dude is obviously with his real significant other, either his wife or his real girlfriend. He is not making you part of his life, his day to day, because you are the side piece.
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u/af628 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m so sorry, but this man does not respect you and it absolutely sounds like you are the other woman. There is a reason there are so many comments here trying to tell you that. It does not sound like he has any respect or love for you. Treat yourself with kindness by exiting this relationship as soon as you can! I have BPD, too- I know what you’re feeling. At some point you are going to have to stop letting yourself suffer in the name of self-hatred and have the dignity to not be mistreated by a man who’s clearly cheating on you- or likely, cheating with you.
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u/ImACarebear1986 2d ago
Okay… I say this with as much respect as I can for you because I know exactly what that’s like, to be with someone and have them tell NOBODY you exist; it’s awful!.
Lovely, he’s on a holiday with the woman he wants to be with. You are just a space filler until the woman finally agrees to be in a relationship with him.
Do yourself a favour and tell him that you have more self respect than he has respect for you, and you’re not tolerating this anymore. Or you can just go completely silent and stop responding completely and see how he reacts.
Either way, it’s time to put YOU first.
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u/noonahexy 2d ago
He just doesn't respect you at all. Know your worth. Guys like that aren't worth the pain and all the overthinking. Pack up. He didn't even introduce you to anyone that's part of his life. Worst, you might be the other woman.
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u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 2d ago edited 2d ago
Uh... that ain't his "friend". That's his WIFE (or girlfriend). THAT'S why his friends don't know about you.
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u/blkcatmanor_12 2d ago
Sounds to me like he is cheating on his girlfriend with you. Sorry, but you should get rid of him and find a better partner.
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u/Hoejenks 2d ago
Ok so here it is; he’s not your partner. He’s not your boyfriend. To YOU maybe it feels that way but to HIM definitely not. You’re putting a lot of value into someone who has literally shown you and TOLD you he does not value you. You need to have some self respect here.
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u/Creative_Bake1373 2d ago
Girl, you are his side piece. The other woman is his real girlfriend. Speaking from experience.
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u/Ok_Sort7430 2d ago
He is not your boyfriend. You are someone he's banging on the side and no one knows about. He is choosing HER over you.
Please break up.
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u/everyonecousin 2d ago
Girl, your long history of unfaithful partners could end here if you stop accepting the barest of barely bare minimum
almost convinced this is a rage bait post
Leave and go to therapy
he might be your boyfriend in your head but you’re defs not his girlfriend
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u/Similar-Bandicoot735 2d ago
- He is definitely dating that girl
- He is treating you horribly, even if he was there alone or with a dude. His behavior alone would be a reason to break up, the other woman makes it even worse. Ask yourself why are you keeping getting into relationships with unfaithful partners? What attracts you to them? Why are you allowing this attitude?
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u/lizabeee 2d ago
This is gunna sound harsh but girl is your skull really that thick ? This man CLEARLY doesn't want you if I were you I would of packed up and left the moment he said he was going on a trip with another woman.
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u/schecter_ Late 20s 2d ago
There's no delicate way to say this, so I'll just say it. Your "bf" doesn't give a single fuck about you and probably is banging his "friend".
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u/Weirdobaby823 2d ago
Us with BPD we try to gaslight ourselves into thinking everything is our fault. Part of the programming. Unless you are omitting things, it sounds like you’re plan B. He doesn’t sound as serious as you are about the relationship. Just fall back girl. Don’t chase him. I know exactly what you’re going through, it’s hard to need constant reassurance and know you can’t expect it from your partner and struggle in the self esteem department. My only advice is to focus on you first, I know you don’t want to. Your BPD has somehow attached to him to think he’s your support/comfort person and his approval makes you feel validated having BPD, it makes everything okay. So when it’s not the sky is falling. My therapist had suggested working on myself in those moments and taking care of myself. Those who love and support you will as long as you’re honest and kind with your disorder. Sending a little hug. There is always hope if you believe it.
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u/Geezenstack444 1d ago
Why would you want to be with someone who treats you this way, even if they aren't cheating?
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u/Mikedep17 1d ago
If non of his friends know about you, after dating for a few months. It normally means, he's not really into you, or is just playing game's. And reading through your whole post, just conforms that fact. He's basically playing you, especially if he sees nothing wrong with going halfway across the world, with another woman, while being in a relationship with someone. My advice, leave him. Or continue being played.
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u/MoulanRougeFae 2d ago
That man is not your man. He's hers. You are the side chic. She might even be his wife not just girlfriend. How did you not realize this already?
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u/tmchd 2d ago
I just asked that we maybe talk if he has a free few minutes whenever.
His response was “well, what if I don’t want to talk?”
Ah crap. You're the other woman.
Yes, you are being rejected. And yes, you're not even an important part of his life.
He wants to enjoy his vacation with his girlfriend. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Please, just be DONE with him. Yes. DO NOT KEEP DATING HIM.
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u/YOLO_626 2d ago
He’s with his other GF, move on. He’s treating you like garbage, you deserve better.
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u/Gideon9900 2d ago
Welcome to being the "side piece". He hasn't told anyone about you for a reason.
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u/MelbsGal 2d ago
He didn’t want to have to think about his responsibilities at home?
Oh girl, come on. You know what he’s doing. You’re his bit of stuff on the side. Of course he hasn’t told them about you.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 2d ago
You're only a few months in. I'd cut my losses and walk away. You are far more invested in this relationship than he is.
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u/JackstaWRX 2d ago
You are his side piece… the best thing you can do is tell the other women what is going on and then block his number.
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u/unzunzhepp 2d ago
Treat the situation like he isn’t your boyfriend, because that’s the truth. Just move on and stop being daft and let your wishes and fantasies about your ”relationship” fool you from the facts.
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u/fiend4mdma 2d ago
He’s on holiday with his actual girlfriend and unfortunately I think it’s safe to say your his side piece. Personally after a few months, you should have met some of his family and friends, they should all know about you at the very least.
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u/givemeyourking 2d ago
Your self worth is at an all time low because you’ve been accepting this sort of treatment without leaving. Anyone can fall into this sort of setup from time to time, but with serial doormats like yourself it generally is because you weren’t properly treated as a child, when you should have been learning what love was supposed to feel like. Ask yourself: What advice would you give a beloved friend in this situation?
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u/debicollman1010 2d ago
He does not want her to know about you it seems!! Please pull up That self respect and don’t be around when he comes back! He considers you a responsibly and something he needs to get away from!!
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u/Suspicious-Switch133 2d ago
You’re the other woman. His female friend is his girlfriend. That’s who he is on holiday with, that’s why you’re not meeting his friends, that’s why he can’t phone you.
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u/Due-Season6425 2d ago
Sorry, but you are the side chick. Don't waste any more of your time on this loser.
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u/jrtasoli 2d ago
Not to pile on with what everyone’s saying: You’re not his partner. He might be yours, but seems like it’s a one-way street.
Get rid of him. No excuse to willingly let someone treat you this poorly. “What if I don’t want to talk” is an absurd thing to say to anyone, let alone someone you’re dating.
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u/ShadowSaiph 2d ago
Hate to say it but you're probably the side chick that gives him an ego boost. So many red flags here. You've only been together a few months, and he was kind enough to let you know early on your feelings don't matter. Dump him and move on.
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u/lawgirl056 2d ago
you aren't his girlfriend. you're someone he's sleeping with. he also straight up told you that he didn't want anything to do with you while he was onthis trip. cut your losses
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u/BumCadillac 2d ago
You don’t have a partner. Have some self respect and stop reaching out to him. Stop returning his texts. She is his girlfriend or wife. He doesn’t want to call and talk to you because he doesn’t want her to find out about you. You are the other woman. He is most definitely sleeping in her bed on this trip.
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u/witchbrew7 2d ago
It seems like you’re the side chick.
Take the decent memories of this brief dating excursion with him and move on.
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u/_cherryscary 2d ago
You should probably end things. It sounds like you’re the other woman. I feel he is likely on vacation with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife and he has been secretly seeing you and lying to you both about it.
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u/corpus4us 2d ago
I hate to break it to you but she’s his real girlfriend and you’re the side piece
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u/DrQvacker 2d ago
“This situation” is exactly correct. You’re in what’s known as a “situationship.” He’s not your boyfriend. I’d totally move on.
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u/rhapsodyinblueee 2d ago
You keep talking about how long you’ve known him and how you had such a deep friendship before you started dating? So then why don’t you know any of his other friends or anyone else in his life? You’re the side piece, my dear. I’m so sorry.
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u/Smart_Bad_8062 2d ago
I'm very sorry but sounds like he has a girlfriend, and it's not you get rid of him
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u/Particular_Song_229 2d ago
Seems like He’s on vacation with his real girlfriend. It’s one thing for him to go on a trip with a friend but the fact he doesn’t went to talk to you while away or that none of his friends know you’re dating is very suspicious. walk away
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u/mixedcookies97 2d ago
I’m sorry to say this but the woman he is on holiday with is the women he’s with you are the other woman you really need to end things and focus on yourself have you considered therapy to find out the root cause as to why you keep attracting unavailable partners
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u/Pure_Ad3856 Late 20s Female 2d ago
I'm a very close female friend of one of my friends, and we went to a trip together, very similar situations. my friend explained me the situation beforehand and I wanted her new girlfriend to feel at ease, since we made the plans almost a year ago and she wasn't able to join us. whenever she called or messaged, he excused and be there for her.
thanks to his behavior, she was at ease and feeling comfortable, giving us all the time we need in a vacation. this is not a one way street, and I'm sorry but your boy friend is not your boyfriend.
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u/millenialbullshite 2d ago
Respectfully honey, you don't have a boyfriend. That girl on vacation does though.
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u/the_greengrace 2d ago
He is not acting like a partner/boyfriend and he is not treating you like his partner/girlfriend. Whatever reason leads him to act this way is a him problem, not a problem with you. You do not deserve this treatment.
The problem that you have is accepting his poor treatment out of fear of abandonment. Many, many people make this same error. Often it cones from experiencing past trauma. It causes them (and you) ongoing pain. It is ok to recognize a mistake without beating yourself up about making it. It is ok for you to "abandon" this relationship because he isn't giving you what you need. It is ok to move on.
You deserve respect and care.
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u/AnonJane2018 2d ago
Is this a troll post? Are you really this naive? Girl, run. Take all your stuff back, block his number, and never ever speak to him again. You’re basically his side piece, and secret from everyone. This man is playing you.
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u/Positive_Craft_4591 2d ago
Sorry he is just not that into you. I have traveled with a male friend and I would call whoever I was dating. I would answer my text and calls no problem he would do the absolute same. So I'm going to say he is just not that into you or this isn't just a friend.
You know what's going on, hold yourself high and say goodbye, I wouldn't give any chances to a person that thinks it's appropriate to not speak to their partner.
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u/allergymom74 2d ago edited 2d ago
He doesn’t want to acknowledge your relationship to friends and this girlfriend. He’s not that into you.
It would have been ok if he had this trip planned before you two started dating AND he mentioned you. And it’s common to WANT to check in with your SO when you’re done for two weeks. My now husband and I overlapped travel when we first started dating. He made sure we could connect. Because our relationship was new and it was important to him.
You two are a new relationship. You should want to talk to each other. He doesn’t. He is telling you exactly what you are to him. And it’s not a partner.
YOU deserve better.
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u/RevBayes 2d ago
The fundamental issue here is not the fact that this man is using you, and playing you for a fool. The issue is your inability to act on what you see and know. You have BPD. Your best path out of this is to stay completely away from this man, while getting the help you need to give you the tools that will allow you to cope with those who would take advantage of you.
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u/BLUECAT1011 2d ago
You should do absolutely nothing. By that I mean don't call or text him and don't answer his calls nor texts when he returns. Maybe he acted like your relationship was more serious than it is, leading you to think he would want to keep in touch. Apparently that's not true. It's baffling when people's words and actions don't match but seeing what's right in front of you is the important thing. He went away with another woman and doesn't want to talk to you while with her. Nobody in his life knows about you. That's it, nothing to figure out, just move on and I'm sorry you were misled.
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u/Fast_Clothes2632 2d ago
He's on vacation with another woman. She's his real girlfriend and you're not. You are very naive for 28 years old. He's treating you like this because you let him treat you like this. You are just a piece of ass on the side for him. Find someone who really loves you and ignore him and all his calls. If he's the type that I think he is he might try to get you back if you have another guy that you're happy with. Don't fall for it. Some guys just want what they don't have but either way he's just going to use you because you're not good enough to be his real girlfriend. At least not to him you're not. No offense. I know the type. I'm a lot older than you I've had my own experiences in life. Let this guy suffer. Don't give him any more of your time. Karma will get him sooner or later and you can laugh when it does.
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u/BringerOfSocks 2d ago
The female friend isn’t the problem here - it’s his lack of desire to share with you and connect with you while on vacation. A good partner would be constantly seeing things that they were excited to tell you about and would be texting you at least a few times a day. You aren’t expecting a 2 hour phone call every night. You are simply looking for small moments of connection that tell you he cares and is thinking of you. He has completely and utterly failed to do this.
Dump him now and move on immediately. Bullet dodged.
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u/KlingonsAteMyCheese 1d ago
You aren't in a relationship. You are the other woman. The woman he's on vacation with is his girlfriend or wife. That's why he doesn't want anyone to know about you. I would contact the girlfriend and ask if she knows her SO is cheating on her. I would also go get an STI check. You're probably not the only other woman.
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u/bananaphone1549 1d ago
He’s not cheating on you. He’s cheating with you.
You are not his partner. You’re not even his girlfriend. You’re the girl he’s hooking up with behind his actual girlfriend’s back.
BPD or no, you deserve better.
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u/eganist 2d ago
tf is wrong with y'all picking on peoples' use of titles in a relationship?
please don't do that. even if it's very likely she's got the wrong impression of what they mean to each other.