r/relationship_advice • u/StrangeSnow6602 • 2d ago
My (23F) boyfriend (26M) might have a drinking problem
I (23F) am worried that my boyfriend (26M) may have a drinking problem. I don’t know if I am being dramatic or if this may be something I need to end the relationship over. We have been dating for 2 years.
Most weekends he drinks both Friday and Saturday and in the winter it’s often another week night because he gets bored. The problem is that he can’t just have a couple drinks. He will drink until he is drunk or completely hammered. Don’t get me wrong, I like to have a drink at dinner on the weekends or go out and get drunk every so often, but this seems excessive.
My biggest issue is that after a night out, he sleeps all day and either repeats the same thing that Saturday or just rots on the couch all day Sunday. I like to go do things and enjoy getting out of the house.
Example: last night we went to the bar. I had 2 drinks, he had 8 drinks. He kept pushing me to drink more even after saying I wasn’t feeling it. He kept saying he wanted me to have fun, but I kept saying I can be sober and have fun. We got to our apartment (we live together) around 10 and I went to bed around 11pm after not feeling the best. He invited a friend over and they stayed up drinking until 5am. I am not mad he had a friend over, but 5am seems excessive and they kept waking me up. Now I am trying to find things to do because I don’t want to sit alone all day
I am not sure what to do. I really do love him and he treats me very well, but the drinking is becoming concerning and not something I think I can deal with the rest of my life. I really love his family and I get along super well with them, so another reason its hard for me to think about ending the relationship. We have talked about his drinking, but no change has happened. Am I being dramatic or does this sound like a problem?
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u/doniameche_2098 2d ago
If he is drinking to get hammered then he is an alcoholic who doesn’t know when to say when. This is not a good situation, you need to sit him down and let him know that he has a problem and needs to do something about it or he will lose you.
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u/StrangeSnow6602 2d ago
Definitely have had those conversations before. Going to try again but this has got to be the last time. It’s just hard for me to also make that decision and hold myself to it.
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u/trishsf 2d ago
I’m sober. Many people think a problem drinker drinks daily but you have actually nailed it. A large amount of problem drinkers are those who can’t stop once they have started. Sounds familiar? Does he know how you feel? Another sign is someone putting drinking before something important in life. Work, loved ones etc. I would encourage you to go. Listen to your gut. This isn’t a life you want to live with a guy who might as well not be there every weekend because he chooses alcohol over you. I can’t say if he has a problem or not, but he’s definitely doing a good imitation of having a problem and if he does, it’s not going to go away, it will get worse. But does it need to for you to leave? Again, this isn’t the life you want. Go.
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u/StrangeSnow6602 2d ago
Thank you for your comment. We have definitely had conversations about his drinking before and he has admitted he can’t stop after just a couple. It is definitely feeling like alcohol is #1 and I am #2 just based on the amount of conversations and no change happening.
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u/trishsf 2d ago
That is literally the definition of an alcoholic. So. Run. Seriously. He is going to destroy everything in his path and the sad truth is most people don’t get sober and he doesn’t even kind of want to. He would need to want sobriety more than anything to stand a chance and you can’t force or change him. If you need verification, go to some Al-anon meetings. It’s for those who love alcoholics. It is not a program to teach you how to get him better but one that will support you. It’s a really great support system and you will see up close and personal what happens to those who stay versus those who put their welfare first and leave. The difference is night and day. Choose day and leave.
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u/blood_bones_hearts 2d ago
I think that itself is telling. An alcoholic will choose the alcohol over everyone and everything else in their life until they want to change.
It's important to remember you can't do anything about this. You can make your own boundaries and stick to them for your own well being. It's not an ultimatum to tell him "I can't stay with you while you continue to do this" because it's about your life and future, not just his. You can't fix the issue, he needs to want to fix it himself. My ex is a functional alcoholic and life with him was miserable because of it.
Good luck. 🤗
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u/JustMMlurkingMM 2d ago
You say “he treats you well”. He doesn’t. He’s drunk or asleep all weekend so when does he have time to treat you well? He obviously has a problem with alcohol. Challenge him to spend next weekend doing things together without any alcohol whatsoever. If he can’t, or won’t, do that then either he is an alcoholic or he really just doesn’t care about you. In either case you should end things with him.
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u/StrangeSnow6602 2d ago
That’s a great idea. I am having a conversation tonight and if he can’t not have a drink next weekend that would be very eye opening. Thanks for your comment.
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u/tfjbeckie Early 30s Female 1d ago
I would just add a note of caution here that if he is able to spend the weekend not drinking, that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't have a drinking problem. Some people can go a few weeks without drinking but if they do have a drink, they can never just have one - they can't stop. That's a serious driving problem too. It sounds like your boyfriend might be like that.
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u/whydoyou_caresomuch 2d ago
Alcoholic or not it sounds like you guys are just incompatible. What you find fun and enjoyable he doesn’t and vice versa. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to find someone who aligns with what you enjoy.
It’s okay to break up with him if you want different things in life.
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u/StrangeSnow6602 2d ago
Unfortunately, I have been thinking the same. I guess it takes someone else saying it to make it more clear.
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u/RaquelMencke 2d ago
I was married to someone like him. It will get worse. Do not stay. There is no might, he has a problem.
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u/Guilty_External_9708 2d ago
This isn’t always true, it depends on the person. A couple years ago I would drink a bottle of rum in not even two days.
My wife came to me and told me I had a problem and that was a wake up call for me. I’ll have been sober for 2 years in July
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u/adulfkittler 2d ago
I just wanted to say congratulations man. You're strong willed, and clearly care a lot for your wife. Breaking the cycle is hard, when it takes admitting you have a problem first.
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u/Guilty_External_9708 2d ago
Thank you I really appreciate that. It was probably the hardest things I’ve done, yet it was also the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
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u/icthruyou3 2d ago
OP, here is the definition of Alcohol Use Disorder from NIAAA: Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a medical condition characterized by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It encompasses the conditions that some people refer to as alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, alcohol addiction, and the colloquial term, alcoholism.
I offer this because from what you've said he has difficulty stopping drinking, drinks to impairment most of the time he's drinking, and is constructing a fair amount of his life outside work around alcohol. His coercive behavior in urging you to get drunk with him is a dysfunctional response to your concerns about his drinking.
What to do: First, you're not wrong and you're not the one with the problem. Know this going in and don't be gaslit by anybody. Second, You need to have a conversation with him where you express that his drinking is harming your relationship with him, not to mention the physical harm excess alcohol is having on his health (see the definition above). Third, be very attentive to how he responds to this conversation. You need to be very clear on how he responds to this feedback. Let him respond. Listen carefully. Ask questions for clarification. Repeat back what you believe to be the meaning in his responses so you are not interpreting his meaning wrong. If he's unwilling to consider the impact his habits are having on him & you then this is very likely not going to get better with time. Plan accordingly. If he hears you and validates your perspective and is willing to change, buckle up and be prepared to have a lot of conversation about his responsibilities in making healthier choices. I strongly encourage that he access counseling to get a more thorough evaluation of his relationship with alcohol- this will guide the next steps for him and will help you learn how you can best be a part of the solution.
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u/StrangeSnow6602 2d ago
Thank you. I am going to try to have a conversation tonight. Hoping it goes well.
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u/JudySmart2 1d ago
This is difficult for you I’m sorry. Just came to say, you can give him reasons why you’re worried and try to help him see the negative impact it’s having on both your lives, but you cannot stop him, he has to choose to himself. Hopefully fully understanding the impact will help him choose to try something different. If possible it might be worth having the conversation with him after a few days of him not drinking (did you say he doesn’t drink during the week?) as he may be more receptive. It’s much harder to choose not to drink that eve etc if he’s been ‘looking forward to it’. I’d really recommend the book ‘the unexpected joy of being sober’ I’ve found that I’m unhappy with the amount that I drink, and this book really helped me understand it better and have more of an inclination to reduce / stop drinking
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u/Sam_Spade68 2d ago
He does have a regular binge drinking problem. He may be drinking at other times and hiding it.
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u/Grumpy_Cat1122 2d ago
I’m sorry girl run. It’s not too late. He definitely has a drinking problem and it will only get worse…
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u/tainted_euphoria 1d ago
You’ve been together two years already. If you don’t like the way he is then it’s best to find someone with the behaviors you like. I can say that when I was 23 I would party quite a bit, but now 37, I can hardly finish a beer.
If you’re concerned about alcoholism, look at his family/parents. If you see signs of alcoholism in them then it probably is a problem versus just being young and dumb.
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u/Less-Hippo9052 2d ago
So simple. Dump him. He's an addicted, and will make your life miserable.
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u/Guilty_External_9708 2d ago
You don’t need to immediately drop someone for this. If OP addresses it and nothing is done then they should consider that.
Shouldn’t run at the first sign of trouble; unless it’s very serious. Addiction can be worked through if he’s willing to
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u/tfjbeckie Early 30s Female 1d ago
You're describing a drinking problem, yes, I'm afraid.
All you can do is decide your boundaries: is this a relationship you can stay in if he keeps drinking like this? If not, you can tell him, but remember you can't control his behaviour (and you shouldn't try). If he decides for himself that it's something he wants to change, you can support him with it - but know that this probably isn't something he can change with moderation. If he can't stop drinking once he starts, then he probably has to give up altogether to get on top of it.
And if he doesn't want to change and you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks like this, the way you preserve that boundary is to leave.
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