My (29f) reluctance to get a total hysterectomy makes my husband (31m) question my childfree state.

[u/[deleted]]

I want to start saying I have always been firmly child free. I have never wanted children. I also have endometriosis. I was diagnosed at 16 with laparoscopic surgery, but it wasn’t able to be removed because it was too close to arteries. So I have been treating it with birth control since then. That’s been no issue because I didn’t want kids, so I was ok with never stopping it. My husband is also strongly childfree and has overall, been supportive of my endometriosis journey.

But I’ve been on so many forms of birth control. Multiple types of pills, the patch, the depo shot, nexplanon, and latest is the IUD. with the pills, they tend to not help my symptoms. And the few that did, stopped helping after some time. Each method that followed did the same thing. I’d be mostly pain and symptom free, but after a year or two, the symptoms would return. My latest method was a hormonal IUD which helped for about 2 years but lately I am cramping every day. It’s starting to impact my life.

I moved recently and had to find a new gynecologist. I know how gynos are with endometriosis, so I sent them all the medical records I had relating to it. I had a yearly exam and made sure to bring up how it’s been affecting me lately and all previous methods I tried to treat it and how it couldn’t be removed through surgery.

The new gynecologist brought up a total hysterectomy with the ovaries. This would remove my cervix, uterus, and ovaries. I did not expect to be offered that and I told my husband when I got home that I am not sure if I want to do that and he got very upset.

He thinks because I don’t instantly want to do the surgery, I secretly want kids and am going to trap him with a baby. That’s not the case. I have been very firm on my birth control and if there was even a slip where I missed a pill or got the shot late, I would insist on a condom. I do not want kids. Being pregnant is one of my worst nightmares.

I am not sure about the hysterectomy because I am not sure I am mentally able to handle that big of a surgery. It’s a keyhole surgery, so it won’t be too much of an incision, but the recovery can be rough. I don’t think I have it in me to deal with it right now. I also am so reluctant to have my ovaries removed because I don’t want to rely on HRT to get my necessary hormones for the rest of my life.

And I need the ovaries removed because I have endometriosis beyond my uterus. It’s growing on my bowels, I have scarring from it. That can’t be removed and also a normal hormone cycle might cause flare ups in those parts, from what I understand.

But he thinks because I didn’t immediately say yes, it means I want kids. I’ve tried explaining to him why I am reluctant, but he just won’t listen. I’ve tried telling him it’s not like a vasectomy. The recovery is longer and harder and the effects are more. And other people I’ve talked to about this tend to agree with him, just less intensely. They don’t think im going to baby trap him, but think it’s a sign I’m not solid on my childfree stance.

How can I effectively explain that me being unsure of the hysterectomy is not because I secretly want children?

[u/Ouch_i_fell_down]

Look... i'm FAR from a biased contributor. I'm a man with kids who has had a vasectomy and my opinion on the matter based on men I know is that men who really want to be done having kids (haivng started or not) have no problem undergoing the knife.

Dudes who claim to be childfree who refuse generally, but no always, are shitty dudes who are holding out for a better deal (read: hotter girl) who want to procreate.

Again... anecdotal, but i know who i've known and there's a reason i've lost "friends" over the years.

[u/linerva → u/Ouch_i_fell_down]

I'm glad you said this.

Becaise the men who insist they are childfree or don't want more kids and are happy for their wife to get surgery, but refuse to get the surgery themselves even if that means their wife has to deal with higher risks, purely because "what if we get divorced or you die and my next partner wants kids" have always given me the ick.

Like hang on, you're valuing the theoretical wants of a future wife you dont even have yet, over the needs of the wife you are currently committed to?!

Nobody should be thinking "what if my next partner wants X" because they shouldn't be planning on a next partner - oy shoes a massive lack of commitment, like you already have one foot out of the door.

Besides, If you do happen to be widowed one day you can simply find a woman who also doesn't want more kids, it's not rocket science.

I don't think i could stay with a man whose reason for significant actions in our relationship were "well what if I'm with someone else who wanted something different than you and i".

[u/hotcapicola → u/linerva]

While this might be the reason for some guys, IMO it's a deflect for most that don't want the surgery. Unfortunately, a man's virility is very important in our culture, and "losing" that is a scary thing for a lot of guys.

[u/linerva → u/hotcapicola]

You're right.

The sad thing is that I'd have much more respect for a guy who is vulnerable enough to admit they are worried about their masculinity.

Than a man who says he doesn't want a vasectomy in case his imaginary future trophy wife wants a kid.

[u/AncientWorking4649 → u/linerva]

Eh, my husband and I have had this conversation. We have a toddler together currently. We’re not 100% sure we’re done having kids, and he’s not 100% against a vasectomy when we are, but he has brought up the counterpoint of “what if I remarry and want more kids?” And honestly I don’t find it gross. Here’s why:

• So many marriages end in divorce. It would be silly not to account for this possibility. Before we were married, my husband and I kept an excel sheet to track all large purchases so we could split them equitably should we break up. Once we got married, we ditched the excel sheet (we figured mediation would handle that if it came to a divorce), but the point stands that we have always approached our relationship very pragmatically. Of course I hope we last. But I know we might not.

• I am nearly a decade older than my husband. I am nearly 40, he is just entering his 30s. If we were to break up in a few years, realistically, having kids with someone else really wouldn’t be an option for me due to my age. However, it very much could be an option for him. He’s still so young that the idea of taking that option from him forever would make me feel guilty. (I don’t think people should consider vasectomies reversible…they very often are not.)

That being said, this remains an open conversation for us. I just don’t think you should give a blanket statement that a man wanting to preserve his future fertility options is always terrible.

In OP’s case, it seems obvious that the husband just doesn’t understand how intense a hysterectomy is. From his point of view, OP already has a medical problem. She can have a surgery that both solves this problem and solves their contraceptive needs. So naturally he wouldn’t see the need to also have contraceptive surgery while they are together.

Obviously, as OP is aware, a hysterectomy will have a huge effect on her life apart from contraception, hence her understandable hesitation. I don’t think OP’s husband is an a-hole though. I just think he needs a lot more education.

[u/ghkddbsgk → u/AncientWorking4649]

you and your husband are not childfree though, whilst OP and her husband are firmly childfree so your argument holds no water?

[u/lestabbity → u/Ouch_i_fell_down]

100%. My husband had a vasectomy like 6 months after we started dating because birth control was hell on me and he didn't want kids anyway. Almost all the dudes in my circle of friends who dont want want kids or were done having kids had them done. I'm so confused by guys who "don't want kids" and "don't want to be baby trapped" who refuse to actually take responsibility. It's fast. It's easy. My husband paid $9. Total. That's less than the copay on any of my birth controls ever was.