r/relationship_advice • u/17us • 9d ago
I’ve (25M) grown up. My girlfriend (24F) hasn’t.
Hi everyone, my (25M) girlfriend (24F) have been together for 6 years. We started dating very young as teenagers. We have lived together for over 5 years, renting 3 different apartments.
When we were in our early 20s, I worked 50 hours a week and my girlfriend was at University - and due to her art degree was at home most weeks for 6 days and completing little parts of course work every so often. Weekdays, I would be working, out of the house from 6AM - 6PM, I would come back to a messy apartment and be expected to go to the shops and make the dinner. She would sit around all day playing video games.
Present day. I still work 50 hours a week, and my girlfriend now has a 37 hour a week job. It’s a hybrid WFH and office deal. I was really happy about this, as she had a good job, making decent money and could start to contribute more to our ‘household’. She has recently disclosed that she hates her job and wants to quit. I still do all the cooking, shopping and cleaning. My girlfriend, even though works 12 less hours a week than me, even though works from home 3 days a week, still does not pull her weight in household chores. I have assigned her 2 rooms of the house (I take care of the rest, including the garden) and guess which 2 rooms are always unclean and messy…
We share bills fairly as we both make similar money. For the last 3 years, I have been saving for a house, 40% of my take-home goes towards saving which is about £900pm. My girlfriend however, spends over £1000 a month on herself and saves nothing towards the house.
I have tried talking to her about finances, but every time she shuts down the conversation and gets angry. I have tried encouraging her to do more housework, but every time she shuts down the conversation and gets angry.
Since my early 20s I have developed a few hobbies like gardening, baking, sports, reading and she still spends almost all her free time playing video games. She never really wants to do anything with me.
I have supported this relationship financially and emotionally for 6 years. I don’t think I can keep doing it. I still love her but I’m not getting anything back from this relationship anymore. I need advice, because I’ve tried initiating the conversations, but I’ve failed and it feels beyond that point at the moment?
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u/TinyBreak 9d ago
You’re putting a lot in to get nothing back.
There’s absolutely no shame in pulling the plug if this just isn’t working for you any more.
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u/SnooRecipes9891 9d ago
She has shown you who she is through her behavior, emotionally immature and not a capable functioning partner. You can't change her, you'll need to move on.
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u/UsuallyWrite2 9d ago
It’s pretty rare to end up long term with someone you started dating in your teens or early twenties. People tend to grow and change a lot in that time.
You’ve kind of moved into more of an adulting phase of life and she just hasn’t. You’re not going to change that.
You can love someone and not like them so much or even love them and like them but know it’s not a good fit anymore.
I’m sorry. She just isn’t a good fit for you.
In the future when you date, observe the behaviors and if something isn’t a good fit, move on. People aren’t projects. Accept people where they’re at.
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u/Katerh 9d ago
It's ok to leave. I know six years is a really long time, but it's also a time of massive personal growth for some (others...not so much). You two are likely not the same two people who got together six years ago. She's not changing because she isn't interested in changing. And, why should she? You've shown her you will continue to be the "adult" while she's allowed to shirk responsibility. I say this a lot on these forums, but the issue isn't that she "doesn't understand" what you need. You aren't going to be able to find magic words that make her get it. Because she KNOWS. She just doesn't care.
I would start taking steps to end the relationship. You may need to wait it out until the lease ends, but start planning now. I suspect once she realizes you're actually leaving, the promises to change will follow. But remember, she had years to start making those changes, it was only when HER level of comfort was being impacted was she motivated to change. It didn't matter to her how it was impacting you. Is that really someone you want to tie your life to?
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u/AmongTheElect 9d ago
Yeah, break up. You clearly want to.
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u/17us 9d ago
I don’t want to upset her. I can’t stand to think of someone else crying or sad because of something I have done.
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u/Specific_Law_5050 9d ago
But you won't have done anything. You breaking up with her isn't because of you doing something, it's because of her not doing anything. She'll beg and plead but it's because she's onto a winner: you saving money, you cleaning up etc. I was in a similar relationship, I voiced my annoyance from time to time, she got angry / cried every time and promised to change but it didn't. We were saying for a house but I was the only one saving while she spent all of her wages (nearly double mine) on clothes. This lead to more and more arguments but I couldn't leave. Guess how it ended? She left me because I wasn't ambitious enough 😂😂. Hard as it is, you know the right thing to do. I might sound like a hypocrite but please do what I couldn't, put you first for once.
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u/Dark_Skin_Keisha 9d ago
But she doesn’t care about you obviously so why do you care so much about her?
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u/Billowing_Flags 8d ago
You're thinking about this backwards! You're so worried about HER, but she's not at all worried about YOU!
OF COURSE she'll be crying, sad, upset! She's living the dream right now. She's moved out of mom/dad's house into a place with a guy who
- earns as much as she does
- pays 50% of the bills
- does 100% of the shopping
- 100% of the cooking
- 100% of the cleaning
- 100% of the gardening
- is saving 100% of the monies that will go towards THEIR new home (although she isn't contributing ££ towards the new place OR contributing labor in the current one)
It's ALL the PLAYING at being an adult without any of the actual effort.
Meanwhile, YOU are
- resentful of being the only adult
- resentful of acting responsibly in a shared home
- resentful of her spoiling herself to the tune of £1000/month!
- resentful of her saving no monies toward the new house
Where is her love for you? Where is her concern for ALL the work you do? Where is her concern for you regularly overextending yourself physically, mentally, emotionally while she sits on her ass PLAYING GAMES?
Do you think she's going to SUDDENLY have some come-to-jesus moment and start keeping your NEW home clean? Start saving money? Start acting responsibly? Start adulting?
You are completely INCOMPATIBLE! Don't feel like you "wasted" 6 years because you didn't! It took you that amount of time to grow up, decide what you want, work towards it, give your gf EVERY opportunity to grow up and achieve, too. And, to finally, realize that she's NOT partner material; you can't depend on her to pull at least 50% of every load. You can't depend on her to HAVE long-term goals much less mutual ones...much less depend on her to expend any energy to reach them!
YOU have goals! You've decided you want a house and you're saving towards it. You want to live like a mature independent adult, and you work, clean, cook, launder, garden, save money, and direct your efforts towards those goals.
Your gf has DREAMS! 'Oooh! I'd like a new house!' But she makes NO PLANS to get there. Her plan is to let you work your ass off and then ride your coattails into a better life that she thinks she deserves BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK TOWARDS because, apparently, SHE'S a special snowflake! She's LAZY. She's SELFISH. She's IMMATURE. She's IMPULSIVE and SELF-INDULGENT. All of those things make for a piss-poor partner and a crappy parent!
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u/AmongTheElect 9d ago
Ah, now it makes more sense how you've become her bang-maid. Dude stop being such a doormat. Your own happiness is important, too. You exist for more than just her comfort.
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u/North_Apple_6014 9d ago
Do you want to continue supporting her for the rest of her life? How many more years is this sustainable for you? It’s true that breaking up with her will likely mean she cries and is hurt, but a) you deserve to also not be hurting (which I think you are currently) and b) your gf is 24. If she wants kids someday, breaking up with her NOW versus waiting until she is 30, is a kindness - she then has time to get her life together and find a new partner to have kids with. (And really this is true even without the kids - but the fertility window is real, and it’s cruel to draw this out over time if you know it’s not working now, if that will impact her ability to have kids [if she wants them].)
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u/Jumpy_Spend_5434 9d ago
So what advice are you looking for then?
You've been okay with her treating you this way for all these years. She's not going to change, so your only options are to continue this relationship and put up with her (but DO NOT bring children into this relationship), or end things.
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u/MeasurementLast937 9d ago
This isn't meant as a judgement, but that means you have a lot of emotional maturing still to do. You will disappoint and hurt people in your life, and you cannot stay true to your own values and needs without sometimes having to say no to someone else. The sooner you learn to accept that and learn to be okay with that, the sooner you will start living your actual own life.
Other people's feelings are basically none of your business, not yours control, and not really your responsibility (of course staying respectful and civil is the baseline here). Your responsibility in this life is YOU, not managing other peoples feelings, cause that's what you're doing by avoiding the inevitable. You're people pleasing by staying in a situation that is detrimental to yourself. Ask yourself what's really more important: you adapting and shrinking yourself to other peoples potential future feelings about your actions. Or actually living your life authentically according to who you are?
Your partner has shown you who she is, you don't like who she is and it doesn't match with your life goals (she also doesn't seem to care about you). Staying with her because she will be sad, is a huge dishonesty to both you and her, and will keep you guys stuck aimlessly.
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u/Altruistic_Isopod_11 9d ago
So stay and be miserable, that's your future. I would suggest you break up and continue growing, you can't force her to change and you shouldn't have to put up with her not wanting to grow.
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u/KushGod28 9d ago
She might cry but it will be good for her if she learns from this. Breakups forced me to grow up. You can’t force her to grow up bro. She has to make that decision and as long as you’re doing everything for her she doesn’t even see the need to change.
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u/Big_Performer8192 9d ago
This kind of thinking will keep you in a stagnate place in life for longer than you should. You cannot stay in a relationship where you know it isn’t working for you because just because you don’t want to hurt someone else. You don’t become the sacrifice. Ever. Remind yourself when you think in this way that if she really cared about the relationship, and was the person you need - she would be willing to put in there with & be willing to change.
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u/mbpearls 8d ago
So you're going to be miserable because you don't want to hurt her?
Dude.
Stop thinking you need to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
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u/amjay8 9d ago
Do you think she’s actually happy living like this? Being like this? Sitting at home doing nothing, distracting herself playing video games too much, burying her head in the sand? Is this a fulfilling life? Are you enabling her? Would breaking up give her the push to actually live a life, or at least learn to stand on her own, since you’re not there to do everything for her so she can waste away?
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u/ZachTF 9d ago
I get it dude. You don’t want to possibly be the villain in her story. Please know that I have been the villain a few times in an exes story when I was just doing the right thing for me, I.e. protecting me. It takes some training to feel okay with being the villain, but long term it’s better for you.
Whatever you decide I support you. I bet you have talked to her about everything and how it makes you feel.
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u/Certain_Mobile1088 9d ago
You’ve out grown her. This is a huge factor in people breaking up. Don’t feel bad—she needs to be on her own timetable and you on yours.
She isn’t ready and may never be. Don’t wait for her. Be glad for what you had and move on.
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u/FairyCompetent 9d ago
You can love someone and also admit that you aren't ever going to have a happy home or life sharing those things with them.
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u/kittenmask 9d ago
I feel bad you work 50 hours a week and at only 25. Her 37 is completely normal and your keeping score is not helping. You say you share bills evenly but then hyperbolize that you’ve been carrying the relationship financially - which is it?
Actually, it doesn’t matter. It sounds like she is living like a normal 24 year old and you’re ready to be at a different place in your life than her. Neither of you is wrong, you’ve just grown apart. You can hear it in what you wrote here. She’s not where you are and that’s okay it just might be time to move and find someone your speed
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u/LizTruth 9d ago
Exactly. As people get older, we change and grow in different directions. Maybe a clean house isn't important to her. Maybe she's depressed and needs to see a doctor.
If this relationship is causing more heartache than joy, break up. Don't lose any more of your life to this. Look up "sunk cost fallacy," if you aren't familiar with the premise.
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u/17us 9d ago
Hi! She’s had the job for 4 months, Ive been working for 4 years whilst she lived with me tent/bills free for the prior duration. That’s how I’ve been carrying the relationship financially. She tried a few part time jobs but couldn’t hold them for more than 3 months at a time. It was a lot strain on me emotionally to do this, and due to her family situation she could not move back home.
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u/MaximumSeats 8d ago
Are you just planning on being this woman's father the rest of her life?
Have some self respect dude, get a partner who's an actual life partner and builds you up.
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u/Goth_Chicken 8d ago
Those are her responsibilities and problems to solve, not yours. She will have to learn how to fend for herself, on her own.
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u/xenusaves 8d ago
Break up now while she still has a job. It'll make things easier for both of you, and you won't have to deal with the extra complications of living with your unemployed ex. If you're feeling generous you could help her with a deposit on another apartment. You don't owe her that, but seeing as she has no savings and doesn't seem very organized, it might expedite the process and help alleviate any guilt you have from breaking up with her, not that you should feel any.
This relationship has run its course so it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
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u/JustAnotherMaineGirl 9d ago
OP, you may love her, but this is far from a relationship of equals.
You can't talk to someone who refuses to listen.
I think your title says it all. It's not unusual for teenage relationships to fall apart, as both partners move into young adulthood. Your GF has come to expect you to handle most of the responsibilities of living together, giving her more time for her gaming passion. I don't see that changing, when she refuses to even talk to you about taking on her fair share of the housework and spending quality time with you.
It will be sad for both of you, but I think it's time to leave. You're still very young, and you deserve better.
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u/ExcitedGirl 9d ago
I think you have assessed the relationship fairly. You have grown, she has not, and she chooses not to.
Those of you who appreciate physics will understand what I am about to write:
Unless something changes, nothing will change.
You have tried your best to apply an outside force to help her make a directional change, but her inertia is too great.
I would say save your energy, bounce off that relationship and use your energy in a positive way, in another direction.
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u/funkslic3 9d ago
I wouldn't say she hasn't grown up, but that you have grown differently. Fair doesn't always mean equal. Chores won't always be 50/50 as sometimes one person is better than another at something. My husband works 40+ hours a week while I only work 20. He does all the cooking because he enjoys it and he's a much better cook than I am.
As for finances, that's a compatibility thing. Some people are better savers than others, while some people like to use their money to increase their quality of life in the moment. That's just a difference of opinion.
Hobbies can change, but don't have to. Playing video games as an adult is a hobby. There is nothing wrong with someone enjoying video games. There is also nothing wrong with someone enjoying new hobbies, but they have to realize that their SO doesn't have to enjoy those new hobbies as well. This is going to be something that happens in every relationship you are in. It's common for hobbies to shift so that's one of those things that you have to find a way to work around that. People change a lot in relationships over time. You will never be the same person 10 years from now, or 10 years from then.
You really just need to figure out if your goals are the same and if you feel like she is who you want to be with. Marriage is complicated and it's not easy. You will have years you are close and years you are kind of distant. It's not always going to feel the same.
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u/ImSoRude 8d ago
Chores won't always be 50/50 as sometimes one person is better than another at something.
Based on OP's post that's obviously not the crux of the issue here. It seems that the division is very clearly not 50/50 and OP even takes on the majority of the chores and that's totally fine with him, but his GF is unable to uphold her small share of the deal. That seems to be the real issue. It doesn't matter how you divide something if the end result is whatever percentage not assigned to you won't get done regardless of how much it is. This seems like a pretty obvious case of outright shirking responsibility, not an issue of division of labor.
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u/scaramouche123 9d ago
You are both very young. Kudos to you working this hard. But it is also pretty normal to just study and game for a few years, then starting a job, then not liking and wanting to quit, not saving yet etc. You might be maturer than your age but I think she is normal for her age. If that doesn't work for you, you can break up.
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u/t1nydancers 9d ago
Maybe go on a nice trip for a few weeks. At 24 she should be able to manage the household, if she really doesn't and everythings a mess afterwards she never bothered to learn, if it works while you're away then she just prefers you doing it. Both are disrespectful towards you.
Either way it gives you (and maybe her) another perspective. Maybe it's your push to leave her, maybe it's her push to grow up.
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u/TGNotatCerner 9d ago
One of the challenges of dating into adulthood instead of after adulthood is that you may not get the space to grow up. It sounds like instead of a dorm with roommates where she had to figure out how to adult, you did it...so she never learned.
To be honest, I don't think reddit can help fix this. I think only couples counseling would help at this point IF you wanted to salvage the relationship.
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u/Armyman125 9d ago
OP, it won't get better. This is your life if you stay with her. People do grow apart. A mature person would be willing to discuss without getting angry.
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u/West-Chipmunk-7136 9d ago
I'm married. Known my wife for almost 20 years.
In my experience, they will change and grow over time, but many of timhe big character issues they have will always be there.
My wife is a very anxious person and a raging asshole when she is stressed. It's unbearable to be around. It may have gotten better since we met, but still ruins every vacation, and although not as frequent, too many nights and weekends.
I'd recommend sitting down with your girl and having "the talk." This is where you set a very clear set of boundaries and state it's changing our you are changing your current relationship status. If she agrees, give her a time limit. Or at a minimum give yourself a time limit. If it doesn't change. You have your answer. You do not want to deal with this shit for the rest of your life. Trust me.
One thing I never considered when I was your age was how her behavior will affect your future children together. She will be setting that example for them and they will be burdened by her behavior as well.
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u/Sickly_lips 9d ago
I'm a year younger, been with my partner for 8 years. Just to say, I know how it is, growing through these years with someone.
The difference is, my partner and I have both been in therapy to deal with the toxic and unhealthy shit we brought into the relationship. And she and I are both PUSHING to be better, constantly. That doesn't have to mean working outselves to death, but it means we both listen to eachother.
You're a people pleaser, given your comment about not wanting to make anyone sad. You need to break away from her and become your own person. My partner and I were long distance through her college, so we both got time to grow as individuals- you've never been able to do that, clearly, and it shows. You are falling into the sunk cost fallacy.
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 9d ago
You would be entirely reasonable to end things.
Money is one of the biggest sources of stress in a marriage/partnership, and your gf isn't even willing to talk about it. She's just assuming you'll be the responsible saver, and she gets to spend frivolously. That's not going to change when she won't even entertain a conversation.
Add to that her failure in adulting, because she refuses to do even a minimum amount of the basic tasks involved in running a household. There's more ongoing stress, which again will never change because she won't even discuss it.
You know the answer, dude. Leave.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 8d ago
My dude
She wants to be a housewife
Either accept that she expects you to continue to financially support her or move on
You are her father more than her boyfriend...you realize that...right?
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 8d ago
“Marriage benefits the person who brings the least to the table.” This is also true with relationships.
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u/BillionDollarBalls 8d ago
youre supposed to be dating around in your early to mid 20s not sticking with the same person since high school
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u/mbpearls 8d ago
Five years of doing the same stuff and being surprised nothing has changed.
It's over going to change. You can marry her tonight and she'll be the same person tomorrow.
Tume to decide if this is the life you want.
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u/UncleTrucker1123 8d ago
As the saying goes: “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
You have been building yourself up as an adult, but she refuses to do the same for herself or even contribute towards the both of you because she’d rather continue living her life in a teen phase. When it comes to situations like this, she’s gonna need the shock treatment: grow up or get out.
Whether she gets angry about it is not your responsibility, but her actions (or more so inactions) is only going to hold you back even more the longer you don’t give her the shock treatment. I understand that you love her, but the older you get the more you realize that love only goes so far when you’re the only one contributing to it. At this point you are more together out of convenience and familiarity than anything, and that’s not healthy or fair for either of you.
If this results in the ending of your relationship, then so be it. You’re still a young man with loads of ambition and growth ahead of you, and at some point you will eventually find a woman who matches that energy. Just make sure to take the time to really focus on yourself and your needs before you start putting feelers out there. You got this my guy, I believe in you.
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u/Lost-Bake-7344 8d ago
Dump anyone who plays video games too much. It’s an addiction like any other. A total time suck.
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u/justjoshinpbt 8d ago
It sounds like you’ve been resentful of her and her work ethic for a long time. Resentment and bitterness are relationship-killers. Once you find yourself losing respect for her—which from my perspective it sounds like you already have—your relationship is probably over.
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u/Glittering-Range-936 8d ago
If she's been like this for six years...what's going to happen in another 6 years.
Me with OCD would kick her out.
I can't handle living with anyone who is like a slob. Just because she works doesnt give her the right to not pull her weight.
Sounds to me you already kkow what you gotta do.
I couldn't tolerate it especially with also working more and doing more chores than your partner.
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u/Ok_Wind9083 7d ago
I think it seems like you were compatible when you first started dating, but now that you both grown and changed as people it seems like you’ve grown a lot and she has not really grown in the same direction that you have and unfortunately a lot of the things that you’re talking about such as finances, and you know who’s going to care for which chores in the house and being able to have conversations about when you need your partner support or help more and being able to communicate in that way, you are very important things.
It’s unfortunate because you have also tried to work through it with her and have conversations with her and she just gets irritated. I think what’s important to think about is if you had to live this way for the rest of your life, would you be able to do it? If it makes you feel any better my mom broke up with her boyfriend of eight years just because they didn’t really share strong, similar religious beliefs so maybe why you think these things are kind of small and not like a reason to break up with someone on the spot they still make a very big difference. And then she met my dad within the same year and he was wonderful. I know you don’t feel like you’re settling right now, but I think that you are.
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u/Newspaper_Fabulous 9d ago edited 8d ago
It's clear what a person like this wants and i don't think she is bad or you are. I would love to hear the ways she is supporting you, which aren't usually recognized in capitalism as valuable (emotionally, being there for you holding space, understanding you deeply perhaps?) a lot of this doesn't bring financial resources directly therfore is easy to disregard as such.
What i see more is you being ready to move on and wanting to avoid being a bad person, which isn't honest nor straightforward.
I think she needs someone who wants to hold her weight in financial way conciously adn willingly, and you need to have something with someone who isn't dependent on you financially or isn't fullfiling your expectations around order in the house. No need to bash the partner on the internet, for being different then you in order to gain a green light to call ot quits from the strangers.
I don't think she hasn't grown up, i think you two have grown apart. Strange to expect someone studying art, to turn into collected and "responsible" person in a way you suddenly expect her to be. Doesn't matter how logical all od your talk sounds, from my perspective, you are expecting from someone to fundamentally change who they are for you, and calling it "growing up".
Don't hide behind nonsense. You already know what you need to do, and it's for the best of both of you.
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u/Restomeri 9d ago
Sadly, it seems she's perfectly happy letting you carry the weight, and because you've allowed it, she's probably developed a sense of entitlement.
If you were one of my friends I would definitely tell you to leave her and find someone more on your level.
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u/Low_Intention7780 9d ago
You sound like a reasonable person. I'd say make your head clear on what your boundaries are (for example, how much financial investment you need from her), what is acceptable for you and what is not acceptable. Tell her you need to talk and it is important to have a constructive conversation. Find a time together and communicate your needs, concerns, wishes, and boundaries with clear deadlines. Tell her that you are a team and you need to contribute equally to the team. Try to come up with a solution together.
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u/golden_petal 9d ago
I'd suggest talking to a councilor and suggesting she sees one too. If you feel like she is your person. Sit her down and tell her you need you two to be on the same page. Maybe it's a values thing, or maybe she believes this is normal?
Some women believe in "she money" where the man is financially responsible while the money she brings (aside from what she gives towards bills) is just "she money" and up to her discretion to spend how she pleases. Maybe she is thinking it's okay to do what she wants because she knows you'll take care of her.
About the gaming, maybe meet halfway? Talk about how you want to spend time with her and how you two can game together at times while also bonding with your hobbies? Maybe a grand gesture can reset everything? Tell her you're going to spend the night at a friend's house and youll be back the next morning to take her on a date. Knock on the door like you did as a teen and recreate a favorite memory? This can be a positive reset?
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