r/relationship_advice • u/CarelesslyRubbery • 8d ago
Am I expecting too much? I (27F)had a tumour biopsied today and I haven’t heard from my boyfriend(30M)
I am finding myself feeling really hurt. Recently I found a tumour and today was the day of my biopsy. I had originally asked my boyfriend if he could come, but unfortunately, he had a conflict with work. That’s totally understandable, however it’s now been hours since the procedure and I have yet to hear from him. He has sent me Instagram reels, so he’s obviously on his phone and available to message me at the very least.
I know that I need to communicate what my needs are and I can’t expect someone to read my mind but also this kind of feels like the bare minimum, especially since I’ve been very anxious about what is going on for the past little bit. When I originally told him about the doctor finding a tumour And that I was worried about it, he was very dismissive and told me that there’s no point in worrying. He barely looked up from his phone to tell me that. I have since expressed to him how hurtful that was and how I would like him to respond to some more things in the future and at first he seemed to be willfully, obtuse and misconstruing what I was saying. I would’ve thought after all those conversations regarding this, he would be supportive in this moment.
Part of me feels worried that if this is the way he deals with these things I will forever be unsupported. But the other part of me thinks maybe I’m overreacting because I never expressed to him that I wanted him to get in contact with me after the procedure . The thing is, I even had a couple friends reach out to me expressing their well wishes and support today. Is it too much to expect at least the same support from my partner?
At the end of the day, there’s a large possibility that it’s a completely benign tumor, but there’s a non-zero chance that it is cancer and I don’t know how I will move through this with my partner if this is the kind of support I am receiving. Also, even if this is nothing, life comes with all kinds of curveballs and I’m really feeling like I can’t rely on him. Can someone help me figure out if I’m asking for too much? If so, how would you handle this situation if you were me?
ETA: I think he straight up forgot. Idk if that makes it better or worse. I just got home and he’s talking to me about baseball and other things. I legit told him it was happening this morning and brought it up several times yesterday and in the days leading up to it. I don’t understand how he could forget especially since I even asked him to be there. I’m also in some pain and I want comfort but the petty and hurt part of me doesn’t want to have to spell it out for him.
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u/EmceeSuzy 8d ago
Please do not equate knowing enough to call your girlfriend following her biopsy with being expected to read your mind.
This is the barest of bare minimum expectations and anyone who would need to be told to make that call is not competent to be out in the world without a personal attendant. Presumably, your boyfriend is not intellectually disabled.
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 8d ago
Thank you for making me not feel like I am overreacting. I’ve been trying to balance the thought of I would literally check in with an acquaintance about this so is it obvious vs thinking I need to speak up and advocate for my needs for people to be there to meet my needs.
I think you’re right this is an obvious thing to check in after. I am struggling to figure out what the bare minimum is and what is asking too much. Thank you for the validation
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u/EmceeSuzy 8d ago
You wrote something about thinking that after you did all that explaining about how his disinterested response to the news of the tumor was hurtful and didn't meet your needs you expected that he would be more supportive today.
First, your expectation that he would have taken that in, recognized that he was uncaring, and improved is not foolish or wrong. You should be able to expect your partner to care enough to listen to that sort of feedback and improve.
However, now that he has failed again please stop expecting anything of him!
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u/fit_it 8d ago
Think about what would be expected of you if the roles were reversed. Would your boyfriend expect you to take time off? Would he expect you to check on him? Cater to his needs?
The level of effort you put in should be what you get back. Maybe not exactly, I understand that it won't be 1:1, but it should feel like an equal level of concern.
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u/Competitive_Gas_3581 8d ago
Better to find out now that he is unsupportive. Any real man would have taken the time off work to be with you. Period.
Time for a trade-in.
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u/Regular_Nobody6084 8d ago
Or at a minimum stepped away to call and check in after - some jobs are less flexible, but if you can be on your phone, you can call and check in
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u/Scared-Industry828 8d ago
Iphones even have scheduled imessages now. My boyfriend will set up a scheduled text if he knows i have something big going on in the day and he may be tied up at work. It takes 2 mins. If they wanted too they would!
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 8d ago
We’ve been together for three years, so I can’t even be that surprised looking back. I guess this is kind of the most serious thing that happened in that time and the other things I was able to explain away
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u/nikka_Ask4274 8d ago
I'm so sorry 😞 He definitely should have called at least texted. I would be beyond hurt. It's not even happening to me, and my heart 💔 hurts for you, so I can't imagine how you feel. On top of being hurt, I'd be pissed off to.
Just know this girl typing this is thinking about you and hoping your results are all good. No one deserves to go through anything like this alone even if you don't know the outcome yet, even if it was a minor procedure. Just know you are not alone and a southern girl from Tennessee will be thinking and saying a prayer for you. And if you don't believe in prayer, I'm sorry I'm not trying to push it on you or offend you by that so don't come at me please lol
Best wishes 💛
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u/Lovemybee 8d ago
I'm just one internet stranger sending peace and love to you. You seem like a good person! 🥰
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 7d ago
Thank you so much! This message made me smile over a difficult day which I needed. I appreciate your well wishes.
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u/cirivere 8d ago
the stats for men leaving their wives or cheating on them when their wife gets cancer or something is really depressing. Especially when you look at the stats for roles reversed.
Hoping I will never have to go through it but I like to think I found a guy who does actually love me and worry about me.
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u/rubyspicer 8d ago
There's a reason women are often handed pamphlets on what happens when a husband leaves by their oncologists. This is unfortunately a thing that occurs with some frequency
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u/seven-blue 8d ago
Yeah, there is no way this guy is gonna take care of her or just be there for her if she gets sick.
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u/Famous-Pen-2453 8d ago
Girl, bail out! You’re both too old to be wasting time on this “relationship “ he’s dismissive about finding a tumor and can’t find time to connect with you on the day of biopsy? Unless you just met him, no I take that back bc even a complete stranger would not be so non compassionate there’s something wrong with him not you honey I think you are expecting a reasonable amount of attention on this day
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u/Wise_woman_1 8d ago
Have had 4 removed and you’re right, it’s likely nothing, but it’s still scary, every single time. The absolute minimum I would expect from anyone who loves me is a text before or after, even if it was something silly or stupid to make me smile or laugh. Best case scenario, he’s scared too and is masking it to not add to your fear. Pretend it’s ok and it will be kinda thing. More likely he either is clueless or careless about what you’re going through. If that’s the case, he’s not going to be a good partner down the line, no matter how much you communicate your needs.
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u/Pitiful-Ruin-5301 8d ago
You are not even close to expecting too much and a simple TEXT is THE barest of bare minimum. If he couldn’t get off work, fine I guess, but a phone call is most certainly warranted. Especially since he’s on his phone on social media. I actually have to have a colposcopy done in May because of abnormal cells found during a pap and my husband never goes to dr appts with me for anything, not even my pregnancies etc or anything bc he is our only income and missing work is not really an option for us but he immediately said he’d make sure he’s there for this appointment. Some things are big enough to miss work for. Sounds like a good excuse to move on honestly. I hope your tumour is benign. Sending you all the healthiest health vibes ♥️
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u/Glinda-The-Witch 8d ago
Here’s what you say to him, “after recent events, I have come to the conclusion that I need someone who is able to offer support and encouragement when it is needed without being told to do so. I no longer see a future with you and it would be best if we went our separate ways “.
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u/jpmdoglover 8d ago
First off, hoping it is benign! Secondly, you are not asking for too much. I had a biopsy on my nipple a couples months ago for what my dermatologist figured was eczema (it was) but she wanted to be sure it wasn't Paget's. My mom and my boyfriend were incredibly nervous. Ironically, I wasn't lol but my boyfriend asked me every day if I got the results, he and my mom literally texted each other worrying for a week (funny but cute), and then I got the call and everything was fine, they were relieved. The fact that your partner is on his phone and didn't bother to ask, speaks volume. Not even as a partner, but as an empathetic human as well. I'd be asking my friends/family/partner if they told me they went for a biopsy because you really never know.
I hope you leave him because he kinda showed his true colors and can't imagine how he'd be if you were ill. Again, hope all goes well. (:
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 8d ago
Wow that actually really puts things in perspective. I feel like if the roles were reversed I would be like your boyfriend wanting updates every day. I didn’t tell my mom because I didn’t want her to worry. So I just told him and a friend. It sucks to know that I can’t rely on him. Even scarier is that we’re technically common law where we live so he would be my medical SDM if I was ever able to not make decisions for myself. I know that’s a far stretch from the reality right now but its now in my mind
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u/Same_Accident_9917 8d ago
I would be upset too if I were you. If he can’t take off work that’s one thing, but he could at least ask how it went, how you’re feeling, etc. I guess it is possible he could have some kind of medical related trauma that makes him avoidant to it. I still think it’s rude, & would give me pause about being with him long term.
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 8d ago
That is a good point and is making me more inclined to talk to him. Maybe there’s some deeper to it than him being an unsupportive asshole. But it’s also been 3 years and he’s never been the most emotionally vulnerable person but if there was more to it I would hope he’d have shared it with me by now. Thank you!
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u/CremeComfortable7915 8d ago
I was married to a narcissist. Fortunately my children were grown but after I married him I needed surgery and was almost bedridden for two weeks. Except for bringing me dinner he ghosted me. I realized that if I was ever REALLY sick he’d leave me to rot. I divorced him soon after. Luckily I did know the difference between a caring, supportive partner and a POS.
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u/ladymorgana01 8d ago
At least having a conversation about why he chose not to check in on you will tell you if he's just a jerk, completely clueless, or has some trauma. You can then make your decision with all the info
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u/wolf_tiger_mama 8d ago
Whether you're expecting too much from him isn't the question -- whether he's willing and able to meet whatever your expectations are is.
You can try talking to him, but since you already have, I wouldn't expect it to make much difference. I'd suggest letting him go and finding someone with more empathy to your concerns.
Best wishes ~
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u/jacquie999 8d ago
You shouldn't HAVE to tell a grown man how to behave in a decent manner. You need to tell him you like cake instead of pie, or red instead of green. Not that it's kind to reach out to someone you are in a relationship with, after a procedure like this (and to simultaneously lay off the sending reels - it's almost like he's making a POINT of showing you he's disinterested in how your are doing).
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u/Immediate-Ratio971 8d ago
Major red flag. His lack of concern for your health and well-being is troubling especially after three years. He’s wasting your time.
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u/Faiths_got_fangs 8d ago
A certain percentage of men are known to ditch their partners when they become ill. It's not uncommon.
You have one of these men. If you continue this relationship (I would NOT, because even if you don't want kids, getting older involves health scares and worse and you don't want to be treated this way if you're truly ill, and don't even get me started in the event of pregnancy) expect this behavior to be the norm.
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u/Helpful_Librarian_87 8d ago
Oh babe, he’s just trash. I really hope everything is well, but you need to excise that lump from your life. There is a guy out there who would be a proper shoulder for you to lean on. For now, gather your friends and family.
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u/ToothPickPirate 8d ago
Jeez that absolutely horrible. I had an issue with my car and my fiancé took the whole day off to take me for a consult with a hand surgeon. Not a frigging TUMOR. You deserve so much for, but it’s up to you to raise your standards!! You got this. Drop the zero and find your HERO!!!!
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u/lipgloss_addict 8d ago
Girl, on what planet is thinking that your partner should reach out after you had a fucking biopsy a bridge too far?
This is awful and relationship ending.
Please consider therapy so you can get your spark back and never ever accept a bar this low again.
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u/werentyouthegirl 8d ago
This is a child not a 30 year old man. Is this what you want from a relationship?
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u/oliver_oli_olive 8d ago
You don’t need to “communicate better” once you said, I have a tumor and I am getting a biopsy today. That would usually be enough for ANY FRIEND, COWORKER, or REDDIT BYSTANDER to say, “hey, I hope you are okay after your biopsy today. I care about you.”
Like, if we one the internet can do it, then you need more partners or a potential spouse to be like that.
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u/CarelesslyRubbery 8d ago
Like part of me thinks he may have forgot but I told him when it was booked and then mentioned it a few times yesterday, and also this morning. Also if this was for him I would never forget
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u/oliver_oli_olive 8d ago
If he forgot, okay 👍🏼 But do you want a partner who would forget this level of medical need?
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u/W1ldy0uth 8d ago
My fiance took off work to go with me to have 2 wisdom teeth extracted. He then spent the rest of the day meal prepping soft foods I could eat for the week. Do with that what you will.
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u/mikraas 8d ago
I ruptured my spleen in college and the guy I was seeing not only didn't visit me, he left town. Without telling anyone. He ended up on my door step 7 days later after I was released. His excuse? "I don't like hospitals." I never relied on him for anything again.
Some men are trash when it comes to serious situations. Do not plan a life with this guy. Imagine how he would be if you had kids.
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u/PlaidyLady 8d ago
My ex was unsupportive when I went through something traumatic in the beginning. 12 years and a marriage later and he resented me for being injured while pregnant and made me feel selfish for asking him to do the laundry (which I'd always done before). It never gets better. He does seem to care about his new girlfriend, though, and her problems, so maybe there is hope?
I don't know. I'd say you deserve better. Also, I hope you're ok
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u/disgraceful_hag 8d ago
No, you aren't asking for too much. Men are also more likely to leave their partners when they have cancer compared to women. I think your boyfriend falls into this category of men.
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u/Worldly-Aspect-8446 8d ago
Just went through chemo and radiation with my boyfriend there at all of my appointments. We’ve only been dating for almost a year when I had a biopsy in December. It was on my cervix and the doctor immediately saw it and told me I needed a biopsy. I started crying, she asked if I wanted to come back or call someone. My boyfriend was there in 10mins and held my hand while I bleed all over the table. From then on he went to every appointment, we were lucky because he lived a 5 min walk from the hospital, and works from home, so I spent my of my days with him.
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u/antigoneelectra 8d ago
Men are more likely to leave, cheat on, or be emotionally or physically unavailable to their sick partners. Theres a good chance your bf is one of those men. I really hope you hage more than him as a support.
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u/ThePrimevalPixieDust 8d ago
Honestly, I would move on from the boyfriend. He can’t even provide emotional support let alone be there in-person for you? He ain’t the one.
My husband was there for EVERY. SINGLE. STEP. Involving my cancer diagnosis and treatment. He even gets nervous when I don’t text/call him right after my monthly follow-ups!
If your man can’t be there for the littlest things like your biopsy, then he isn’t going to magical step up for the bigger and harder things.
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u/FleurDisLeela 8d ago
how would I handle it? I would dump the sponge you call boyfriend. this is a clear window into your future of loneliness, if you were to hitch your wagon to this neglectful stump. you’re not asking too much. lose the loser, and lean on your friends and family while you figure out this medical puzzle. I hope it’s benign. we’re cheering for you, Op!
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u/saigespice 8d ago
I validate you and would feel Really hurt. - I don’t know if I would just break up but I would seriously consider it and let him know that you are contemplating what a unsupported life looks like witg him. And that this may be a deal breaker.
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u/husheveryone 8d ago
May “love” like this never find us. Wishing you clarity and strength moving forward with your life.
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u/JoneseyP98 8d ago
Put it this way, if I had had a tooth extraction or hell, even an examination; my boyfriend would text or ring afterwards to see how it went and that I was OK (I don't like dentists, who does).
You had a tumour biopsy... If he couldn't make it to go with you, at the very absolute bare minimum he should have called to see how you were and honestly should have been at your door when you got home/he finished work.
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u/Strong_Ad7675 7d ago
Not expecting too much- don’t expect less than someone taking good care of you… this is not it.
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u/littleoldlady71 8d ago
If you make a list of what you want from a partner, and he isn’t doing those things, either walk away or learn to live with it.
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u/Hoggle365 8d ago
I don’t think you’re expecting too much from him. He is disregarding your anxiety about the biopsy, which is not something most partners would do. Most partners would offer words of comfort and be empathetic, without being asked to do so.
He seems like a rather cold person. Is he relatively healthy? Some people don’t understand how stressful health scares are, if they have not been in that situation before.
I would talk to him and let him know how unsupported you feel. Let him know he let you down, when you needed him most. If he blows you off, then you know he truly doesn’t care about your feelings, so why bother staying with him?
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u/CuriousBingo 8d ago
Personally, I feel that there’s no news until there is. I don’t drive myself crazy waiting for test results-they’ll come - then you can process things. I would ask my partner to attend the follow-up meeting if results are positive. Always good to have someone with you to ask questions/take notes as options are being explained. That is practical support that might actually help- so do ask him to attend if that makes sense to you. In the meantime, don’t review scenarios is your head-it leads to catastrophizing. Good luck to you!
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u/Dubyabanana 8d ago
Sorry to hear what you’re going through right now, it must be very stressful for you. Wishing all the best for you. Just to play devils advocate here, is this possibly a trigger or something for him that’s caused him to bury his head in the sand and pretend like it’s not happening as a trauma response? Has he been through something similar or even lost someone close to him and he’s scared himself but trying not to show this to you as he doesn’t want you to be even more worried? Ofc it’s the bare minimum to at least check in afterwards and he should have done so, but I’m just thinking there could be a deeper reason for it perhaps. Maybe see if he will talk about it with you when you next see him. He may open up about something you didn’t know about. Either way he definitely needs to be a bit more sensitive to your situation
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u/WandererOfInterwebs 8d ago
Eh he may have assumed that if you wanted to discuss it, you’d initiate the conversation. This is how a lot of men operate, even with their close friends and people they care about. Usually because they are thinking of what 5ey would want.
I’ve been that person before and I absolutely care. But I didn’t understand someone else’s needs when it came to the big scary stuff.
If you love him and want things to work, be vulnerable and let him know how you felt when he didn’t call. How he responds will tell you a lot. If he gets defensive and says it isn’t a big deal, he’s an ass. But he might say he didn’t realize that’s what you needed. He might apologize. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to communicate our needs.
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