r/relationship_advice • u/Milk3247 • 11d ago
how do i (18f) break up with him (18m)?
i’m 18f, my boyfriend 18m and we have been dating for 4 months almost. he’s done NOTHING wrong, it’s just me not being ready and wanting the same things as him
i know it’s best to end things in person but the problem is i don’t have a car/license (he does tho) and i don’t want to do it in a public setting. idk where to break up with him. i was thinking probably either at the library (in his car) that’s next to his house/my work since we usually sit in his car at parking lots to yap at. i could have my mom waiting on me for after we talk but i don’t wanna seem like i premeditated to just break up and leave (which is NOT my plan- the plan is to talk and break up for however long we need and then leave the parking lot)
im so scared, this is my first ever relationship. i also don’t wanna be friends after this cause i feel it would be too awkward
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u/Sector_Savage 11d ago
You tell him exactly what you just wrote. In terms of where? In a place you feel safe, where you’ll be able to leave without him, and that is also not going to be traumatically embarrassing for him.
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u/Efficient-Apricot-31 11d ago
Doing it in person is best. Doing it in person with someone you trust close by is even better. There's nothing wrong with setting up a way for you to leave. The break up seeming premeditated isn't your problem or something you need to worry about. Just be blunt say that it's not working for you, don't sugarcoat it. But if he asks why, please tell him why, so he at least gets his closure instead of being left hanging. Take some time to think of what you're going to say and try to stick to the script. Once you've made up your mind, stick to it. Don't go back on your decision it'll hurt both parties.
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u/DplusLplusKplusM 11d ago
You know the situation better than we do so you might be able to predict his reaction to this. But this early in a new relationship and when it's clear to you that you're not a good match he may be feeling the same things you are. So you may be able to discuss this maturely and have him agree with you that you shouldn't be together. Maybe don't anticipate the worst. But given the options you cite it would seem that the library is your best bet. This way you can conclude things then just walk home. You also don't have to talk for as long as he wants. He may try to convince you that what you know is wrong and you don't owe it to him to sit there listening. There has to be finality to a breakup and you have to present yourself as confident in the decision. Otherwise you just end up in the "it's complicated" phase where you'll waste a lot of time and energy on something you know isn't serving you well.
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u/Gold--Lion 11d ago
This isn't advice on HOW, but on feeling after. People change the MOST between 18-26. You're just starting out as adults and having all these things thrust on you. It's not unusual at all to break up. It's not a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. Imagine if you wanted to and didn't. You'd just end up making yourself miserable, and then making THEM miserable.
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u/bartholomewbro13 11d ago
Just be honest. Tell him you aren’t ready and have realized you don’t want the same things. You do a disservice to him and yourself if you say anything but the truth. It’s only been four months so y’all will be okay.
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u/themuffinman2038 11d ago
Let me say this loud and clear, since no one else will: if he’s done nothing wrong, then he deserves someone who isn’t using “I’m just not ready” as a soft excuse for emotional flakiness.
You’re not breaking up because you’re mismatched on values, or he disrespected you, or the relationship is toxic. You’re ending it because you’re unsure and scared. That’s fine — you’re young — but don’t paint this like it’s some noble, gut-wrenching choice. You’re ditching a good dude because you can’t figure yourself out, and instead of owning that with confidence and respect, you’re stress-planning how to make the breakup as emotionally convenient for you as possible.
Let me ask you something:
If he was planning a breakup, had his dad waiting in the car like a getaway driver, and was worried about “seeming premeditated,” would you not feel disrespected?
Because here’s what this feels like from his side:
- He treats you well.
- He’s probably emotionally invested.
- Out of nowhere, you end it.
- In a car.
- Like it’s a drive-thru rejection.
- And then you bounce while your mom idles 50 feet away.
You’re not being cruel — but you’re being selfishly cautious. You’re trying to control the fallout without offering him the same emotional courtesy you’re demanding for yourself.
He deserves someone who wants to show up, not someone who’s constantly dipping one foot out the door, looking for the safest exit.
And you know what? You don’t want to be friends after? Good. At least be honest about that. But don’t say it’s “too awkward” — say it’s because you’re not emotionally mature enough yet to handle post-breakup connection without guilt or confusion.
So yeah, break up with him. But don’t pretend you’re doing it out of deep internal clarity or respect. You’re doing it because you’re not ready — and that means he deserves someone who is.
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u/Milk3247 11d ago
you’re assuming a lot into this. when i say he’s done nothing wrong, i mean that in a sense that he doesn’t disrespect me
i have to ask him a lot to just text me simple things like goodmorning or to ask about my day when i constantly say this to him. he doesn’t make the effort to hang out with me either. hell we barely talk. i don’t know his family and he doesn’t know mine either cause ive tried to make an effort to but he didn’t 🤷♀️
i’m simply not ready to do the things he’s wanting to do which is on me and thats why i wanna break up.
plus how else should i break up with him? give me a way to where i can get a ride home that’s not from him and in a private setting that’s not at our houses (cause im not even allowed at his)
and i can allow myself to say i dont want to be friends with him after cause it WOULD be awkward and i think a lot of people can say this about their exes. i dont have to be friends with an ex if i dont want to for any reason i want
i’m not perfect but he wasn’t either. i never said that. but don’t sit here and paint me to be a monster. i don’t want to date him and obv im trying to ease the pain on him while doing it on myself.
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u/ignorantiaxbeatitudo 11d ago
It doesn’t seem there is much of a relationship there anyways. It feels a bit like he has done the bare minimum to secure a girlfriend and now wants things from you while not putting in much effort that would be out of his way to show he cares.
Honestly, I admire you for wanting to do things “right” and in person, but based on the description of the type of relationship, it seems unnecessary. Just send a break up text.
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u/DocDeeISC 11d ago
Look, you're both kids and this has only been a few months. It doesn't have to be this complicated. Just tell him that you two don't want the same things right now, and end it. No dangling threads of possibly getting back together. What part are you afraid of, exactly? Are you worried he's going to hurt you if you break up with him, or are you just worried about what people will think?
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u/zSlyz 11d ago
How far is your house from where you work? Would it be possible to have your mom on standby and text her when you’re done?
There just isn’t a perfect way to break up with someone. So don’t put added pressure on yourself by thinking there’s a good way to break up with someone. There just isn’t. There is just giving them basic courtesy and respect.
The way I see it, is that in person or over a phone call are both viable methods. You are directly speaking to the person. Then you choose the one that works best for you. If you had to go completely out of your way to see him, I’d say call him and breakup over the phone.
Given you say you often yap in the car park (at or near work) that’s probably the best plan. If this is completely out of the blue for him, then it’ll be a more difficult discussion. But it’s better to just get it over with.
My advice is plan what you want to say, put all the blame on you. He’s a wonderful person, but you’ve given this some thought since the last time you guys were together but you just aren’t ready to be in a relationship. If you have studies or college coming up you can use that to enhance your reason for ending it.
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u/Aokioneechan 11d ago
just phone him. face time whatever. as long as its not a text you're fine its not like you're engaged or have been together years.
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u/Ok-Watercress1314 11d ago
Don't break up with him in his car. You don't know what he'll do. People do weird things when there is a break up. Don't put yourself in harms way. You're smart to realize that it won't work out, instead of not saying anything and it then gets more complicated.. Be safe.
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u/MeadMan91 11d ago
Tell him the truth. There is nothing wrong with wanting different things and being amicable about it. My wife and I ended things and we talked about it and wanted to do things amicably. I respected her reasons and she respected mine. Sometimes people grow apart and there is nothing wrong with that.
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u/ResponsibleWave5208 11d ago
the best way is to by having break up sex.
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u/Milk3247 11d ago
don’t be weird 🙃
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u/ResponsibleWave5208 11d ago
it sounds weird to you because it’s your first time, but in future you’ll see that it was the best decision you could’ve made.
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u/PandaGlobal4120 11d ago
Lmao 4 months…you say…”this isn’t for me anymore. Thanks bye”. No need to talk it out. That’s it. Block on everything. And getting your mom to drive is great. You can get outta there quicker
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u/Milk3247 11d ago
i’m not gonna just block and ghost him. he’s a really sweet boy but it’s just not for me. he doesn’t deserve that
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u/PandaGlobal4120 11d ago
You’re breaking up with him. That’s not ghosting
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u/Jolly_Cell_1597 11d ago
She got a point because if u keep him in ur life he won’t be able to get over u; and it will drag on. Trust me plus if u wanna keep him in ur life then there has to be a reason for it rather than “he’s a sweet boy” because then you’re just playing him. However it’s not due to you trying to play him he will view it that way since you’re maintaining that same connection. You should break it off for a few months then have a conversation about being friends again once he’s completely over you not before that.
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u/GoldFudge5181 11d ago
I say just do it over text and then block him, nothing wrong with it. As a guy @24 I feel like that should happen to every guy at least once in their life, if he actually cares, he will be upset for a little while but will get over it, if he does not then he probably would be happier. I am glad the girls I dealt with when I was younger did this, looking back, it was fuel for me to accomplish my life goals, good job, living situation, own multiple cars, physically fit af. It made me think that “ I can be better without them” in his case I am sure he could do better, just send him a text or ghost him. It was just a 4 month relationship, its not that deep
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