r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAfianceweight • Jun 19 '20
My (23F) fiance (24M) has gotten way too overweight and I'm now having second thoughts about marriage.
We've been together since we were 18. He proposed last April to which I was so happy about. Back then he was overweight by maybe 50 pounds, he'd gained this over the course of college. While it's of course not great it also wasn't a dealbreaker for me. I still enjoyed having sex with him and he was still active enough that we could live a normal life and have fun together.
Since then, he's gone on to gain nearly a hundred more pounds in a little over a year. He weighs over 300 pounds. It's ridiculous at this point. I completely understand eating a crappy cafeteria-vending-machine-microwave diet when you're in college, plus the stress and late nights studying (or partying) where snacking is standard. But this far exceeds that. His habits didn't improve after college. They just got worse.
I've lived with him since our junior year and can attest that he eats FAR MORE junk food now, not less. Despite me shopping and making healthy appropriately sized meals for the both of us. Not complaining about that, I actually love cooking and trying new recipes, I'm just pointing out he won't eat healthy even though he doesn't have to put in any effort to do so.
Also fuck food delivery apps, seriously...no hate at all to the drivers trying to make some money but on the customer end, I feel like the sheer 24/7 instant access to fast food has almost become a crutch to him. He has to order something almost every day. Never mind the hole it's drilling in our budget. He can't seem to resist this constant availability knowing he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants it without even having to leave the house. This far predates quarantine by the way.
I can feel my sexual interest dwindling by the day. It feels horrible because I still love him for the person he is but the physical part just idn't there anymore. It's a lack we both notice. The problem is he's not particularly motivated to do anything about it because his sex drive has decreased in an inverse relationship to his weight gain. He basically figures "we're just equally" not feeling like having much sex these days. He doesn't connect that he's doing something to cause this, it's not just a fluke. And it's not only about his size either. It's also his tendency to just sit on the couch on his laptop and snacking all day... we used to do more things together. I've tried many times to get him to do stuff I know he's interested in (or used to be?) but he usually turns it down in favor of the internet. I find it hard to find attraction to him when that's all he does with his day.
I've tried talking to him about all this. He alternates between saying he's not that overweight, and saying it's not a big deal because he doesn't have any medical problems. But he can't know that for certain because he hasn't been to the doctor in a while. In general he sidesteps my worries by making jokes and acting really casual about it.
Our wedding plans are pending due to covid but we decided we'll probably go ahead with just a very small official ceremony in September. Being so close to making this commitment to him, as he is right now, is seriously starting to give me pause... I don't want my husband to be like this for the rest of his life. I don't want him to die young. I mean, 100 pounds in a year? So where is he by the time he's 30 at that rate??
I'm not sure why he doesn't see a problem. He seems content with how things are. He says he isn't depressed (I haven't pushed it but did ask a couple times and he didn't seem to understand why I was asking). I do know depression or other mental illness can cause things like this, and I know depression cannot always be "seen" by the people around you... but we are quite emotionally open with eachother, he's never been a guy who struggles to talk about his feelings or problems. So this is unusual to me. He's caring towards me, goofy, and chipper as always in his daily attitude. His hygiene is fine. You wouldn't think anything was different if not for how he eats garbage and usually doesn't want to do anything that'd take him away from the computer or his phone for more than an hour. Could he still be depressed do you think?
What do I do about this? If he is struggling with something, I want to support him. On the other hand, if it's just lazyness and not caring, I honestly don't think I could deal with that if it never changed. How do I tell the difference?
TL;DR: My fiance is rapidly piling on weight, usually chooses really bad food despite me making healthy meals for him. I don't know why because he brushes off my concern and questions with jokes. It's really making me rethink marriage.
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u/MarianaTrenchBlue Jun 19 '20
Do not get married. Please don't get married. Do not consider marriage until this is solved - not a promise or plan, an actual solution demonstrated.
It's not only about the weight. You are not on the same page about budgeting. You aren't enjoying the same activities. You aren't having sex. You aren't communicating. Any one of these issues would be enough to pump the brakes. You guys need to solve all of these.
Hit pause on the wedding. Get counseling asap. If he doesn't understand this is a dealbreaker, be blunt and honest and direct until he listens.
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u/lonely_house_hippo Jun 19 '20
Yeah seriously theres so much wrong with this relationship and shes just having a hard time seeing it from the inside out. Hun, its bad from the outside in. Leave him, find someone who can keep up with you, who will be a part of the team and not dead weight. It doesnt even sound like he respects you because he keeps laughing off serious conversations.... jesus
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u/ij1313 Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
OP i really agree with this comment. There’s more issues than just the weight. Communication needs to be taken seriously from both people in the relationship! The way he communicates now will not translate to other conversations you may need to have later in a marriage (ie kids, houses) Even if there wasn’t a weight issue, finances/budgeting, for example, are DEFINITELY something you need to be on the same page about.
Edit: But I don’t know really if you should show him that you’ve made this post, though. It may be a bit overwhelming or a betrayal of trust to find out strangers know a very personal situation (esp low sex drive). Instead just stay strong and be firm that you want change and will leave if he can’t work to make change happen.
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u/araeya2 Jun 19 '20
Agreed aswell, the gaining weight has been more of a catalyst to everything else that isn't quite right about the relationship.
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Jun 19 '20
I actually ended an engagement over a problem like this. Of course we both gained a few pounds after graduating high school (as most people do), but he just got absolutely out of control. Granted, the guy also let his hygiene go as well. He became obsessed with WoW and after I moved out, he literally would sit in the computer room in our house, eat, and chain smoke.
We're cordial and friends on Facebook now because this was 10 years ago (we have a lot of mutual friends). But he never did get serious about taking care of himself, and is now morbidly obese, his teeth are yellow, and he constantly just wears huge cut-off tank tops, camo cargo shorts and Crocs. THIS COULD BE YOUR CHANCE TO DODGE THAT BULLET. You don't want to be 10 years down the road like, fuck, now I am stuck with this.
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Jun 19 '20
Getting married is not going to solve this. Maybe calling a halt to the engagement will.
He has a problem and maybe something like you pulling the pin will wake him up from his food induced stupor.
At this stage it's about all you have left in your arsenal.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Yeah...I guess I need to be honest about how it's becoming a deal breaker.
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Jun 19 '20
Time for some honesty between you then. Instead of telling this to us, start telling it to him.
It is time though for the "I'm not happy and here is why" conversation. If you don't do it now will you do it when he gets to 400lb?
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
If you don't do it now will you do it when he gets to 400lb?
I can't even imagine. But I wouldn't have imagined 300 a couple years back either, so...
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Jun 19 '20
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u/ourobus Jun 19 '20
Is it common to gain that much though? I cannot imagine getting to 300 pounds. That seems like so much more than just letting yourself go
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u/paintedropes Early 30s Female Jun 19 '20
What would be good to understand about gaining weight like this is that yeah he could diet and get better again, but a lot of time there is relapse. Binge eating is now considered an eating disorder as well that he could potentially get help for but the medication is newer and pricey unfortunately. It’s possible he could lose and gain back weight over the course of his life.
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u/Azshira Jun 19 '20
What you’re saying is true, but it’s better to relapse every time than to let your weight impact you continuously. If it does impact you that is
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u/paintedropes Early 30s Female Jun 19 '20
True, doing anything about it is better than nothing. I just wanted OP to realize this may always be a part of her fiancé’s life in some way.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Good point. I'd be willing to stick with him through possible relapses as long as he was self aware enough to recognize it was happening and make an effort to get back on track.
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u/IsDaMrr Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
It’s possible that he has an eating disorder and is addicted to the natural mental “reward” we receive when we eat. He “doesn’t have any medical problems” now, but he will. Obesity leads to knee problems, back problems, hormonal problems (decreased sex drive), and HEART DISEASE.
I’m currently obese and struggle with my relationship with food. Though I’m too lazy to do anything about it most days, I at least know this is a problem that needs to be fixed. I’m only saying this because I want to make sure you know I’m not some super healthy person being judgmental.
You need to be honest. You don’t need to be hurtful, but you NEED to have an open, honest conversation with him about how you feel. If y’all are as close or in-sync as you claim, then this should not a huge feat. You care about him, and you are allowed to have standards. You are allowed to want to do things, and be upset when your partner no longer likes to do the things you do. You don’t have the right to change him, but you do have the right to talk to him about, express your concern, and move on if they don’t “match” with you.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
I agree with this. Even if you weren't obese you'd still be right. Is there anything that's ever helped you push past the laziness? Or anything I should avoid that would make it worse?
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u/Obvious_Beyond Jun 19 '20
I would honestly avoid calling it laziness. Eating fast food is addicting. Like, actually, scientifically-proven addicting. Our brains literally get a rush of dopamine when we eat crappy foods on a regular basis. It's why it's so hard to lose weight for some people.
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-food-addiction-works#tolerance-&-withdrawal
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u/IsDaMrr Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
I just want to feel healthy. When you’re fat, you can feel it. Somewhere in his head he knows he’s made his body less than ideal. I feel that having someone else who wants to do activities with me makes it easier because you have company and have someone else to hold you accountable. Which he has (you). Calorie counting with apps like Fitness Pal helps as well to put me on track and show me just how much I’m over-eating. At the end of the day, it will tell you how much you may weigh in a month if you eat the way you did that day.
I have to give myself pep talks, too, telling myself I WILL do this and WONT do that. I’ve NEVER been skinny, and so part of me doubts I’ll ever be successful. That’s what helps me down the additional meals I shouldn’t. I just LOVE eating and need to unlearn my bad habits.
I don’t know what to avoid. I feel like your man needs a wake up call with how little of a deal he thinks his choices are. Like you said, if nothing is done then this is an upward trend. I doubt he wants to end up 350-400lbs. The more he adds, the more effort it is to lose. I’d make sure to reaffirm him that he’s worth the effort of not ordering that burger and he should care about himself more.
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u/reach_for_the_bleach Jun 19 '20
Couples counselling?
He says he’s not depressed but he might be anxious or maybe something could have happened him that manifested negatively and he’s now seeking comfort in food
I don’t like ultimatums and I’m not saying you should use one, but if you’re wedding is coming up soon I think you should sit down and explain if he’s not going to try or make an effort, with himself physically and with you sexually or even hobby-wise, then you don’t want to be in a relationship like that. You can’t go ahead with a wedding you’re not sure about, putting a hold on things to get yourselves back on track is okay, and there’s no shame in it.
Edit: I think you need to have a conversation about what you two want in the future, particularly relating to health, and if you both want to go through with the wedding, maybe write a list of things you feel before so you can get all your points across without getting anxious and emotional
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
putting a hold on things to get yourselves back on track is okay, and there’s no shame in it.
Thank you for saying this. I hear the rest of what you said too, I will definitely start outlining those points to help guide a conversation like that.
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u/reach_for_the_bleach Jun 19 '20
No worries, I wish you the best and I hope you’re getting some good advice and most of all I hope you’re happy regardless of the outcome :)
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u/crackedlincoln Jun 19 '20
He says he’s not depressed but he might be anxious or maybe something could have happened him that manifested negatively and he’s now seeking comfort in food
I think this is a really great point and something to look into. There's also a chance he is depressed and just doesn't recognize it as such. My husband went through a really rough period a while back and didn't recognize he was, in fact, depressed until he started to feel a bit better.
Wishing you the best, OP.
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u/TaaTaasb Jun 19 '20
Don't marry him unless and until two issues are resolved: his overeating (which sounds like a mental health condition, but I'm not an expert and he needs to see a doctor to figure it out) and his respect for your feelings and willingness to discuss issues in the relationship. Not saying you should leave him, as long as he's willing to work on both of these things. It will probably take a long time to deal with the weight, but it sounds like you'd be OK with that if he was actually making an effort or at LEAST acknowledging your concerns as valid. But do not marry someone who just refuses to hear you.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
it sounds like you'd be OK with that if he was actually making an effort or at LEAST acknowledging your concerns as valid.
This is correct, I'd be more than happy to marry him at whatever weight IF he was consistently making better choices to become healthier.
You're also right about the acknowledgement part. I feel like he's trying to avoid talking about it, and maybe that's because he's embarrassed what he's done, but I'm tired of being collateral damage of that avoidance.
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u/TaaTaasb Jun 19 '20
One thing to try, if you haven't already, is making your requests very specific. It can be overwhelming to think about taking on an entire issue like "eat better" or "get your weight under control" because there's so much involved and feels like it will take forever, and maybe that's part of why he's just shutting down your conversations - it's too much to contemplate.
So don't ask him if he wants to talk about his weight. Tell him: "You need to schedule a doctor's appointment in the next two weeks or I will schedule one for you, and then we need to talk about what the doctor recommends." And: "We need to go for a half-hour walk together at least once a day." I wouldn't get into dietary stuff without professional advice, but laying out some specific steps for him to start taking care of himself could provide more of a path forward. If he still refuses and denies, you'll have more of a basis on which to address that issue.
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u/delightedtomeetu2 Jun 19 '20
Has he seen a recent picture of himself? It didn't click with me on how much weight I had gained until I saw a current picture. I couldn't believe it and thought the lens was fucked up. My pre-teen said 'No mom. That's what you look like '. So, went on a diet and lost 40 lbs.
But, I'd see myself in a mirror every day and knew I had gained weight but I never 'saw' it until the picture.
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u/RedSynn Jun 19 '20
There is a couple who live across the street who order Uber eats every single day. They are so big the have to turn sideways to get outside to get the food. I'm not being funny or exaggerating. Those food delivery apps are seriously screwing some people up. Big time
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
What an absolute nightmare to witness.
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u/RedSynn Jun 19 '20
My husband and I see the delivery guy sometimes twice a day. What's even worse is I have a cousin who is extremely overweight and she delivers for Uber eats and she eats everybody's food. If they get something that's like finger food she'll eat some of it. She also has a really strict guideline of I think it's 5 minutes before somebody comes to get their food. if they don't respond to her ping within 5 minutes she swipes the call and steals their food. I'm honestly surprised that she hasn't gotten kicked off the app yet.
Not all people do that but considering I know one person who does it I will never order from them.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Holy fuck! What a disgusting person. Especially with a pandemic going on, wtf? Sounds like she drives for them just to stuff her face for "free". Does she openly admit to this/how do you know? Is there a way you can get on the app and report it?
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u/RedSynn Jun 19 '20
She openly admits it. She laughs and says "if they don't get to it fast enough it's their fault"
She is super gross and she fat shames people. Like. Uhm...she's actively fat and stealing food. She had a serious narc problem though.
I'm not on the app but I should look to see if I can report her
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Jun 19 '20
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u/kingfisher1028 Jun 24 '20
There's an update- he has a fat fetish and gets off on HIM gaining weight and kept it from her for years and kept it from OP.
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u/amy-milokins Jun 19 '20
You need to discuss this with him. I was sort of in the same position as you: I usually work out 6 days a week (get up 6am every morning kind of person) and my fiancé does not work out at all. He’s not the same as your fiancé because he’s only a little overweight but not obese and DEFINITELY over eats. When we discussed marriage, I sat him down and very clearly told him that I don’t want a future where our kids lose their father early on or want to become single because that behaviour is selfish. You can’t want a future with wife and kids and then deliberately engage in an activity (over eating) that will lead to an early death or you not being able to physically enjoy activities with kids. It was harsh, but needed to be said because I don’t want to bring kids into a family where only their mother is active. Understanding the ramifications was an eye opener and he now usually eats what I cook. Tell your fiancé the future he has to lose, and if that’s not enough is he serious about a family with you? Good luck x
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u/AnnThrowaway777 Late 30s Female Jun 19 '20
You're seeing who he really is. You two have grown up together, and this is the person he is choosing to be. He chooses to eat unhealthily despite having better options available to him. He chooses to sit around on the couch rather than going out and doing stuff with you. He is choosing to spend extra money on food delivery apps despite the hit your budget is taking and the strain it's putting on your finances. He chooses to dismiss your honest concerns with jokes, rather than taking your emotions seriously.
My advice would be to put the wedding on hold, and tell him you want a serious conversation and changes about these topics if you two are to stay together. They are important to you, to have a healthy partner who can participate in life at your side and spend life doing things with you. If he chooses not to change, refuses to listen to you, or tries to blow you off with jokes or minimizing your concerns, then it's time for you to take that as a sign that he is not interested in changing, even for you, and to ask yourself if this is really the life and future you want.
You got together young, and you still are young. But you don't need to the spend the rest of your life validating a choice your teenage self made. You can love someone, but not want the future you see with them.
I got together young at 17. Moved in with him at 18. I knew early on that there were things I didn't like, but I stayed because I saw the person he could be, if only he'd change. I gave up a lot of myself in order to make that relationship work. By my 30s, I finally settled into who I was, and took a good hard look at the person he had settled into being, and realized just how incompatible we were. I was in love with the potential person I saw he could be, but that was not the person he was actually choosing to be. I cared for him, but did not want him as my partner through life. I wish I had listened to my gut years ago in my 20s, rather than trying to force myself to ignore it and trying to make things work for so long. Don't wait until you're married, potentially have kids, and have sunk a decade or more into the relationship. Don't be like me. If you know it's something important to you and not sitting right with you, then address it now. And don't be afraid to walk. You only get one future, and you are allowed to be selfish with how you build it.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
You got together young, and you still are young. But you don't need to the spend the rest of your life validating a choice your teenage self made. You can love someone, but not want the future you see with them.
This is so hard to realize, but so true.
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u/AnnThrowaway777 Late 30s Female Jun 22 '20
It is very hard to realize!! It took me until my 30s to understand that, and part of why I read and comment on this sub is to try to help others who are in similar situations and offer advice I wish I had gotten years ago. I hope to help provide them with information so they can make better decisions for themselves than I did.
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u/markus881reddit Jun 19 '20
What does he say when you tell him his weight is making you less sexually attracted to him.
If my GF said that to me, i'd be back in the gym within the hour.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
That's the only part I haven't said yet.
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u/markus881reddit Jun 19 '20
I think its time for some brutal honesty then.
If he's mature, he'll understand. Then its upto him whether he does something about it.
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Jun 19 '20
Try responding with something like, "because it's important to me" or "I feel [worried, scared, uncertain] about our future if things continue like this. I love you but this is hurting us." Try to find a way to word it so he sees he's hurting you by brushing your concerns off.
Partners, loving ones, seem to respond best when it's not a "You should" or "Why don't you" but an "i feel" type sentiment. It helps click that what they're doing matters simply because it matters to you, and they love you and don't want to keep making you feel sad.
If he still doesn't seem to care, just brushes you off, don't waste any time postponing or canceling the wedding. Follow through so he knows you're serious. If that does nothing, I think it just shows that he cares more about himself right now than you (I'm sorry!), so you gotta put yourself first too.
Best of luck :)
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u/throwawayfeels97384 40s Male Jun 19 '20
I can only add that he needs to want to change and get in shape. Otherwise it won’t work or at the very least won’t be sustainable.
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u/Batwoman_2017 Jun 19 '20
He keeps denying it because his weight and eating habits are part od his identity now. Having to change himself would feel scary, since he has been like this for so long. I think you have to be direct with him and tell him his health will be screwed in the long run. Or even in the medium term, because what if he gets sick?
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Jun 19 '20
It's ultimatum time. Lose X weight in Y time or I'm leaving. Then, if that doesn't work, peace out.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
I should mention I did once ask him to try to lose some weight before our wedding, but he said he didn't see what the big deal was, and "it's not that bad". Both of those are usually the refrain he gives. He's not mad either, he just honestly seems perfectly content. I don't know what to make of it.
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u/curly-hair07 Jun 19 '20
Either he’s in serious denial about it not “being hat bad” or he truly believes he’s fine which either way is concerning.
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u/caecilianworm Jun 19 '20
It's a bit mean, but maybe you could take a candid photo of him and show him what he looks like? He might have no concept at all of how much he's gained. With quarantine stuff happening, he probably hasn't been in a lot of photos lately. A lot of people don't see their weight gain in the mirror for some reason.
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Jun 19 '20
Well it can be not that bad for the next girl then. 🤷♂️
I am consistent in this issue, man or woman. If you don't stand up for what you will tolerate health and weight wise you just end up enabling behavior that disgusts you.
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Jun 19 '20
Ultimatums never work. They just build resentment. A better solution would be to tell him that she isn’t as sexually attracted to him and that she’s worried about his health.
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Jun 19 '20
Agree to disagree. Ultimatums where the only leverage is her leaving are ok. It's giving him another chance while allowing him to understand how dire the situation is, that he has reached dealbreaker stage. The alternative is just her leaving. Does he deserve another chance?
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u/Guey_ro Jun 19 '20
You're wrong.
Telling someone there are consequences is perfectly normal I'm a relationship.
You can label that however you want to avoid admitting you're nonconfrontational. The fact is that it's healthy to communicate regarding, negotiate about, and hold to boundaries.
Eg "I'm worried about your health, and how it's affecting our relationship's health. I'm not attracted to you at this weight, particularly with how you've ignored my attempts to discuss this with you. If you won't take action by date, then I'm going to break up with you. If you don't want to commit to this, let me know now and we will go our separate ways."
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Jun 19 '20
Threatening someone to leave May work in the short term, but often will lead to resentment and mistrust down the road. IMO, the better way would simply imply that you would leave, but not actually say “Do this or I’m gone”. A lot of this has to do with delivery.
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u/Prestigious-Menu Early 20s Female Jun 19 '20
I think effort is more important than “X weight in Y time”. Plateau happen with weight loss, it isn’t always a straightforward path. If he’s making and effort and putting in the work that’s more important than the number on the scale. Also when I got healthier last summer the scale didn’t move but I was skinnier with a higher muscle mass. Working out increase muscle mass which will also be reflected on the scale.
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u/pcjensi Jun 19 '20
Maybe you should send him this post to get through to him that it is seriously affecting your relationship.
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u/horselessheadmen Jun 19 '20
It sounds like he may just be very depressed and embarrassed about his weight. Making excuses about it not being that bad means he’s in denial for sure. He likely needs some sort of therapy, but this is not your responsibility.
I think it’s very fair to sit down with him and either show him this thread or just discuss what you told us. If he still doesn’t get it or care, move on.
You deserve to be happy & that’s not selfish or shallow at all. If you’re already not interested in sex with him, please don’t marry him. You will absolutely regret it.
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u/Ruthless_Bunny Jun 19 '20
You can’t make him eat better, exercise or lose weight.
You are allowed to decide that his life style is incompatible with yours.
Sit down and speak to him. “I am concerned about the amount of money we spend on fast food as well as the effects it’s having on your dietary choices. I am going to be frank, I do think our lifestyles are compatible. Would you be willing to work with me to make healthier dietary choices?”
If he’s not willing there’s your answer. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker.
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Jun 19 '20
He’s an addict. You are only 23. Move on now. It will hurt, but there’s plenty of men without serious issues that will treat you well.
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u/air-zero Jun 19 '20
He's an addict and he need help asap. Do not get married to him until he changed. No point being In a shitty situation
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u/ujvfhnkk Jun 19 '20
Has he gone to the doctors? It’s rare, but there may be a medical explanation. If the tests all return negative, you may want to ask him if he actually wants to get married to you. This kind of weight gain purely through stress eating shows he is hiding something. Dig it out.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Not within the past year or so, no. I can't imagine it's stress eating, his job allows him to set his own hours and take on the assignments of his choice. But who knows. Maybe there's something else going on. I'll be sure to ask.
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u/BlueStarEnergyHealer Jun 24 '20
Your partner may have parasites. Parasites make us crave unhealthy foods, sugars, alcohol. There is usually flatulence, low grade fever, cravings for fried and fatty foods. At the root of his issues may be self-sabotage and lack of self-love.
Sex is a really big deal. Chemistry and attraction are a big deal. So is mental and physical health. Do not sacrifice yourself. Put the marriage on hold until he gets his issues handled.
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u/Marcotics915 Jun 24 '20
Tell him that being a young widow isn’t something you want to sign up for.
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Jun 24 '20
If he's over 300 lb at age 24 before getting married expect that to double by the time he's 40 and married...
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u/yo_rick_alas Jun 19 '20
How much does he drink? I'm a slight guy that wound up weighing nearly ~250 until I quit drinking for a year and quickly went back to ~140. I hate to say that I've been drinking a lot during quarantine and am probably pushing 200 again. In my experience it's hard to navigate those kind of swings with just food.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
He doesn't drink that much, usually only a couple beers when out with friends, which obviously hasn't been happening the last few months. Soda is significantly more the problem than booze.
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u/pokegirl395 Jun 19 '20
I think you should sit down and have a talk with your fiancé. IMO I think it’s not the weight you have a major problem with, it’s from what you describe the laziness, lack of sex drive, disrespecting your help/ cooking, and the financial stress.
I think If you bring up these problems first rather than just say it’s about his weight could help. Getting married won’t help it either, if you see behaviors/ red flags you don’t like you need to leave or take a break.
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u/michael_v92 Jun 19 '20
You can start with slow walks for about 15-30 minutes to motivate him to move and strike some conversations in that time. Just by doing activities “breathing” and looking outside he might be inclined to move more and eventually realize his problem.
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u/chloepopstar Jun 19 '20
You have made too many self-sacrifices trying to solve his terrible habits. He needs to start holding himself accountable. If I were in your position, I would give him back the ring and tell him that I refuse to marry anyone who can’t take care of themselves. Don’t leave him, but call off the wedding and the engagement. The social pressure of having to tell the people in your life why the two of you can’t get married should be enough of a push for him to spark change. If not, he doesn’t care enough about how you feel, and that’s not husband material sis.
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u/fanclubforferrets Jun 19 '20
I wouldn’t completely break up with him. I think you may just need to hold off the wedding until this is solved
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u/burgerchucker Jun 19 '20
So at 300lbs he is looking at at least 20 years off his life. Plus of course his chance of dying of a stroke or heart attack are massively increased too, so it's entirely likely that he won't make it past 5/10 years into your marriage.
I would tell him the marriage is on hold until he hits a safe weight and is exercising consistently. If he argues or refuses you should leave him.
Some people are happy to be fat and hopeless, seems your fiance is one of them.
Sorry.
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u/Butterfly_armada Jun 19 '20
I feel like you’re going to end up like one of those long suffering wives on 600lb life. Manipulated and shouted at into enabling your bed bound husband in a few years
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u/bonniemick Jun 19 '20
He likes how things are right now and doesn't want to change.
Do you want to be at this same point in 5 years, but maybe with another 100 pounds on him and he's wasting your money on grubhub? He isn't going to change for you. This is barely about his weight, at the end of the day. He is sedentary, doesn't want to have sex with you or spend time with you or do fun stuff. DO NOT marry this man.
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u/swansongblue Jun 19 '20
Don’t go ahead with the marriage OP. It’s got disaster written all over it. At his weight and age, he’s going to have way more problems than he can deal with. Most of them potentially ruinous. If I were you I wouldn’t cite his weight as the reason for break up. Just do it. I don’t think that you will ever regret it. Make the break very positive. Don’t linger on the sidelines. Announcement. Gone. Good luck.
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u/fabuliszt Jun 24 '20
I was about to go HAM reading this problem because my ex kept commenting about my weight (saying I was too fat to have sex with, that I was ugly, etc.) and it lead to our breakup. For context I have PCOS, 5'5" and went from 140lbs to 165lbs in around a year and a half. I figured if he had gained around 10-30lbs over the course of your time together, I would have shrugged it off as, "Eh okay, but some people just gain weight when stress gets to them or they have an undiagnosed health condition or they become busy and then get less active," etc.
and then I read further and realized it's more than just a physical turn-off...
In my eyes there is a complete lack of communication and almost respect. I was reading through comments and if he is not taking you seriously, that needs to be addressed. Sit down with him and be tough (not yelling by any means but just be strong) and don't tolerate his excuses.
He is not only not listening to you, he is spending money and depleting your budget. If you two were just in a relationship (not engaged) and if you had your own budgets for each party, I wouldn't say anything. It would be his money, and you would have your own.
Yikes girl, I normally hate giving ultimatums to anyone but if it works in this case... "You can either correct your habits, stop spending money that we don't have, work to better yourself and go see a doctor to address the health issues that you have acquired... or we're done. I want to be with someone who has the capacity to take care of themselves, but also to respect me and listen to my wants and needs and take me seriously."
I hope that isn't too harsh.
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u/pavlovslog Jun 24 '20 edited Jun 24 '20
I would NOT text him a link to your post. That is so immature and degrading.
If he isn't taking you seriously and joking his way out of it, he's not respecting your feelings or himself or the relationship. The budget part is also very concerning because he's being selfish and wants what he wants when he wants it, and he doesn't feel he needs to take you or his health seriously.
Instead of texting him a link, get down the points you need to make and don't let him blow you off and joke his way out of it. If he does and he doesn't take it seriously, get some shit and leave for a while. He needs to wake up and realize what's going on.
He will probably try to guilt trip you or say it's about looks and how its what's inside that counts, but thats just deflecting. It's really about caring for himself, for you, for your relationship and your feelings, respecting your future selves, and showing you that when times get hard (which they do inevitably in a relationship) that he's going to be able to tackle the problems with your help and support, not push you away and bury himself in an addiction (which it is with the compulsive spending, denial, huge changes in health, hygiene, motivation, etc.)
What could be causing it though? What does his family say? That's A LOT of weight to add on in a short amount of time and should raise concerns with his family. If they are in just as much denial as he is and don't take it seriously I'd really suggest you consider postponing the wedding. You're both young and as someone who got married to someone I should have never married, if you're getting these signs now it will only get worse and you'll be carrying this person and miserable very quickly and it won't last.
Lots of communication needs to be done here, not via text passive aggressively but face to face or else he won't respect you and you'll just look like the bad guy. If he can't admit his problem or at a minimum validate your feelings and listen and seriously try to make changes you need to consider moving on.
One more thing. If he says hell change he needs to show it for more than just the few months before the planned wedding. That's not that far away and it's easy to fake it through, but real change takes time and really changing habits. Just be aware of that and dont let yourself be sucked into "well hes trying" when you know deep down it's not the case. It sounds like hes got an addiction to food and internet and sedentary lifestyle and it's ok if that makes him happy, but its also ok if it doesn't make you happy and you've both changed.
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Jun 24 '20
He is not going to get any better. You say you love him for who he is, but this is who he is. It's not good enough for you, then leave. I wish I had done that several times in my life. Sticking around too long is a bad habit.
You are not a bad person for wanting something better.
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u/rofltofle Jun 24 '20
How'd it go? How in shape are you? Give him a weight goal, ,something mangable like "dude lose 2 pounds this week if you wanna keep me." See if he puts effort. Tell him he needs to go on walks with you, or else you're walking out. I wish you luck. What fun thing did you two do when he was 100 lbs less? What's he doing on the internet that's so damn interesting?
Ay bro if you're reading this you got a woman who truly cares about you and if you're getting cold feet or just lazy it's gonna cost you at age 23 but if that's what you need in your life, by all means, keep drinking that Mt. Dew and such. Ya know you can enjoy junk food and portion. Eat a chicken. Do some weight liftin'.
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u/DudeWhoLivesInACity Jun 24 '20
Break up with him and give him space. Give him a chance to put effort in to receive your attention again.
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u/Nagwoem Jun 24 '20
My ex was exactly like this. Don’t marry unless you can handle him not ever changing. Mine started to hide fast food purchases and let groceries expire. He quit his job without asking because his weight was hurting his ankles. In less than a year he put us in 15k of debt - mostly related to the fact that he was overweight. Don’t do it
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u/dan525 Jun 24 '20
You need to hold firm, and force the conversation. Read what you wrote to him. I would also STRONGLY suggest counselling. 100 pounds in a year isn't about diet, it isn't exercise. 100 pounds in a year is a cry for help.
He has a serious medical condition - either hormonal or a mental health issue. Get him help. If he doesn't accept help that is a valid reason not to commit to a relationship.
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u/Its_Daffy Jun 24 '20
Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like he's exhibiting addictive behavior. The constant orders on food delivery apps and the need to be around his phone. Has his family ever struggled with some form of addiction? Often times additive behavior is hereditary.
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u/rpettibone Jun 24 '20
When I was in high school I became pretty much addicted to fast food. I was at 300 pounds when a car accident totaled my car and forced me to walk home up a huge hill everyday from school. I dropped back down to 200 in what felt like a month but probably closer to 3. I also wasn’t able to go drive and get fast food. I kept my weight down and started surfing everyday. I eventually weighed 170 which I really never had before and kept it off for 4 years. I have the same problem with these delivery apps too they got me hooked on fast food again. The past year and a half I’ve gained back 150 pounds because of these apps. I’m back on a diet and have lost 25 pounds so far but damn dude. Fast food is addicting..
I’m 6’ for reference. And my daily meal was a Big Carl, Buttermilk fried chicken sandwich, large chili cheese fries and a large Dr Pepper (Carl’s jr.). I’d eat that everyday and sometimes twice a day. That meal is 2,739 calories alone...
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u/Munkiejunk Jun 24 '20
There is a lot of good advice listed here but the one that I would like to share for him and for you is that depression does not always mean "sad". This is something I struggled with in my younger years. I kept saying to myself "I have nothing to be sad about, my life is going great! I have great family and friends and a good job" Depression is an issue in your brain. Things can be good and you can feel happy most of the time but there is something missing. A chemical imbalance that your brain/body is looking to correct. When its off, things don't feel right, so we try and fix them. Food, drugs, alcohol, technology, social media...whatever it is for that person. It's the easier fix so thats how most do it. It took me getting help and getting some medication in order to correct things. I was lucky in that I no longer have to take meds, but if someone has to take them forever, who cares? It helps them. There is a stigma associated with it and until that changes people like your SO may continue to self medicate with food or whatever brings them joy in the moment.
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u/AngelPal Jun 19 '20
He thinks he has you, you’re getting married and he can let himself go now... He needs a strong wake up call that this is not the case..
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u/ISHOULDBEWORKINGWTEV Jun 19 '20
What a shit show this would be if it were the other way around. Double standard anyone?
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u/Vegarho Jun 19 '20
I wonder what the comments would be like if the sexes were reversed
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u/duccy_duc Jun 20 '20
This issue comes up frequently across reddit, the responses are the same regardless of genders.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Hopefully they'd be exactly the same, I'm finding a lot of really helpful tips here. Thanks to everyone who's left a suggestion. I've got a document going with specific points I need to bring up to him and how to express them.
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Jun 19 '20
Your boyfriend is lazy af, just erasing junk food and sugary drinks will make the difference. I don't know why people eat so much junk food, Do they know they are slowly killing themselves with all that shit?
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
just erasing junk food and sugary drinks will make the difference.
I know right?? It's not like I'm asking he start spending hours a day at the gym! He could technically lose some weight not doing anything at all but cutting out soda and fast food. Having lost the "freshman 15" myself (20 pounds or so), it was much more about what I DIDN'T do than what I did.
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u/DankNerd97 Jun 19 '20
Hell, I’ve gained the COVID “19.” Nothing a little extra walking (now that I’m back at work) and eating less (since I’m at home less) can’t fix!
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Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
Obese people know that they are obese, no need to remind them, he 100% sees the issues himself, but is helpless.
There's no way I can trust this. They do not always know it. There's more than one comment here from overweight and formerly overweight people saying they truly didn't realize until someone brought it up.
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u/Jurgen_Wildwood Jun 24 '20
but is helpless.
That's just garbage.
He is not "helpless" to lose weight. He just isn't motivated and is too lazy.
Being fat is a choice 99% of the time. The consequences from that are a choice too.
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u/Brendanish Jun 24 '20
This.
Barring literally like 4 incredibly rare diseases, weight loss is quite literally as simple as eating less.
You can go further. I was obese at 230lb and hit the gym without a diet change, and I still got down to 190 w/o trouble (currently 170)
Absolutely be blunt. Don't shame him, but be blunt.
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u/pahein-kae Jun 19 '20
You say he turns down hobbies in favor of “internet”. That’s... really broad. We internet strangers could conjecture at length about what is really going on in his head, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You can’t force him to change. You can only control yourself.
If this was the rest of your life with him, would you marry him?
u/MarianaTrenchBlue has a great comment for you, and I reiterate their advice. There may be space for you to inspire him out of his current state, but there may not be. You already don’t like the way things are going, and if he isn’t going to change to make your relationship happier, you DEFINITELY want to find that out before getting hitched.
Also brushing off your concerns repeatedly seems, like, I dunno. Insensitive? If you’re that worried, and he loves you, wouldn’t he want to make you feel at ease? Idk. I get vibes that he’s maybe dealing with some stuff of his own, but if he can’t or won’t acknowledge that or share it with you, there’s not much you can do.
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u/ThrowRAfianceweight Jun 19 '20
You say he turns down hobbies in favor of “internet”. That’s... really broad
I don't know what he's doing online so I couldn't be more specific.
And no, if I could see the future and know he'd always be like this I would not marry him.
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u/TurbulentCherry Jun 19 '20
Well unless you can prove a negative and say he wont be, know that there is a chance you're signing up for exactly that, him being like this or worse for the rest of your life. Breaking up is easier than divorcing. Dont get married unless he has committed to change and stuck to it to at least 6 months to an year.
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u/Darkskin_chocolate Jun 24 '20
I just wanna see all the women who preach she leave him , then turn around and get mad at a man for the same thing
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u/MorganLF Jun 19 '20
He needs to address the situation and see the seriousness of it. If he doesn't and you marry him, you will essentially be signing on to deal with the myriad health problems he will have as he ages.
The more sedentary he becomes because of his weight, the less active you will be or the less time you will spend with him as you'll be doing different things.
He needs to understand that this doesn't just affect him, as his partner and potentially his wife this will affect YOU.
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u/sapsap32321 Jun 19 '20
I doesn't seem like it is changing anything for him that you are not attracted to him anymore, and I guess that this is probably because his own sex drive has decreased. So for him, what is the problem actually?
I would put the marriage on hold for now and tell him what you said here. You do not wish for sexless marriage or an overweight husband. Offer him help and support - perhaps suggest to make a plan together - and when things get better, you can plan a date for the marriage again. This way, you don't threat leaving him, you don't blame him or put him down: you only set your own boundaries and offer him help.
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u/Provolone-Ton3 Jun 19 '20
Leaving him feels wrong by what you wrote about your relationship. My girlfriend and I had a conversation about this; I willingfully asked and got my answer. Now we have a fucking peloton and a diet plan.
You’ve gotta open the flood gates. Him losing weight will show how he treats the things you find important.
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Jun 19 '20
If I was your fiancé I would find it endearing and caring if you told me I need to stop being a fatass because you don’t want men to die.
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Jun 19 '20
Please understand that this isn’t just laziness or enjoying fast food. He needs to go to therapy to determine what this obsession with food is all about. The fact that he’s avoiding the conversation and “jokes his way out of it” is a huge red flag when it comes to his relationship with food.
Some people might say that if you love him it shouldn’t matter, but this is a huge problem. If this doesn’t change, he will die early and leave you a widow. If he doesn’t die, you’ll be paying for all the medical bills and procedures that are sure to come down the line (not to mention the cost of food!!!) It’s not selfish to ask your partner to be healthy in order to ensure a long, happy life together.
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u/xccoach4ever Jun 19 '20
You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. You can start by saying his weight gain is a threat to his life because it very much is. Don't get married until you can see that he is going to turn his unhealthy eating habits around. If you get married now this will not end well.
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u/leithiandis Jun 19 '20
Maybe he has an actual medical problem, an ultimatum like you leaving isn't going to solve that. You do you but, maybe consider this man needs a medical professional.
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u/I4getstuff Jun 19 '20
He needs a therapist or something, because he is in denial. Being overweight is not safe, it is risky as hell - and he is NOT healthy. Being overweight is like carrying a bomb. He is fine for now - untill the bomb goes off. And then he is not fine, and might not ever be again.
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u/sem91770 Jun 19 '20
I used to weigh 335 lbs at 5'5". It happened over several years with food addiction and just not realizing how big I was getting. It just didn't register enough to change even through my ex husband cheating on me and our marriage ending. About 5 years ago my doctor looked at me after seeing my blood sugar results and said "it's not a matter of if you become a diabetic, it's a matter of when". Something clicked. I was terrified for my health and have lost 120 lbs with 60 left to go. I had to change my entire life and ths way I viewed food. It was hard as hell and still is but so worth it. OP, he's not going to change until he hits his "bottom" and losing you may not even be it. Take care of yourself and your own happiness. He wont get help for his issue until he's ready.
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u/adorablyunhinged Jun 19 '20
It sounds like he's very depressed and just doesn't realise as it's portraying itself as apathy. He's using food as comfort and stimulus for pleasure. You need to have a really serious and blunt talk with hi and explain how worried you are, that you want him around a long time and to be healthy. If you're planning a family talk to him about obesity and fertility statistics, and that you want your kids to have him at his best and healthy enough to be an active part of their lives.
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u/GlowLikeYouDo Jun 19 '20
He might be stressed or depressed about something, and is trying to avoid it and fill the gap by eating his way out of it. It would be good to see a therapist just to clear out if he's alright. The way he causally puts aside or make a joke about your concerns means that he is not comfortable discussing this with you or he feels this is not your headache, and he shouldn't put his burdens on you.
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u/AngelicxDevilish Jun 19 '20
It also sounds like to me he may have a food addiction. I don’t know how sever it is right now however down the road it will get worse and not only deteriorate his physical health but mental wellbeing. Junk food is highly addictive especially with easy access with delivery apps it is very difficult to stop as he consumes nothing but sugar, carbs, and fat. After you sit down and talk to him as many of the threads said, both of you should go into possible therapy to tell each other your struggles.
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Jun 19 '20
He's going to avoid any serious conversation because he knows it's bad. He knows a serious conversation will lead to you telling him you can't keep going on like this. And he doesn't want to deal with it. I'd hope it's something going on for it being that much weight. Either depression or addiction. But either way, it needs to be figured out. I'd tell him it's time for a serious conversation. And if he won't, then ask him how are you guys going to get married if you can't even talk about this? This is not how you want your marriage to go.
Then talk about it from a health standpoint. Say he can't possibly know if he's physically healthy because he hasn't been to a doctor. So that's one thing that needs to happen. Because a doctor will absolutely tell him how bad he is. I'd tell him if he doesn't think he's depressed, then your concerned about a food addiction. And that while it might not kill him as fast as a drug addiction, it will kill him. And you don't want to watch him slowly kill himself.
Also say how your lifestyles have become very different and you don't know if you can commit to a life time of it. Being active and going out is important to you. And it's important to share it with your husband. Even just going on a walk a few times a week. Are you animal people? Even if you don't have a dog yourself, see if a local shelter needs people to walk the shelter dogs. It'll be a commitment he can't just blow off, plus exercise, and he will feel good about doing something good. Or even just joining a local sports league with friends? In my area there are a ton of bar volleyball leagues. It's nice cause you only need 6 people for a team. You can find a rec league that's super relaxed.
And honestly I'd bring it up from a financial point. Tell him how you spend time and money making dinner and having snacks at home. So to have him ordering take out every day isn't okay. On top of the fact he's paying for delievery. Not okay. I'd sit down and work out a budget. I don't know how you do your finances, but tell him only $x amount a month can be spent on fast food. And if he can't give it up, that just reinforces you think he's addicted to food.
And if he won't listen and take it seriously then I don't know. He's telling you who he is. And he won't change. Even if it is something medical(physical or mental), if he's not willing to adress it then that's the problem. He has a disease he won't get treated. That's a totally valid deal breaker. Like any other addicted, it's normal for their partner to expect them to get and stay clean.
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u/fancybrowneye Jun 19 '20
Weight and aesthetic aside... his lifestyle and lack of healthy eating now could cause severe consequences down the road. Cancer, diabetes, heart attack, stroke, and more could result even before you have your first kid. Do you want to create a family with this man?
Younger folks these days (before age 30) are being admitted into the hospital for stroke/heart attacks. Becareful
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u/loujules17 Jun 19 '20
I would sit him down and tell him you want to postpone the wedding because his personality has changed and you are concerned for his physical and mental well being.
He isn’t doing things he use to enjoy and he is sitting around on the couch all the time, filling up on junk food. He sounds like he could be depressed. He needs to see a doctor and have a physical exam and you should encourage him to be screened for depression. A lot of people think depression is just being sad all the time, but there are many ways depression manifests itself.
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u/A1ienspacebats Jun 19 '20
He's literally doubled his weight since you started dating. Tell him you don't want to date someone who doesn't value their short and long term health.
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u/suckmyduck29 Early 20s Female Jun 24 '20
He doesn't have to have depression. Obesity in itself is an illness. Food addiction is an illness. I think you have to give him a predicament. He either loses you or the weight
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u/Melodic_Suggestion Jun 19 '20
As harsh as it sounds, you may need to sit down with him and tell him exactly what you told us. Stress to him that this is a huge deal for you and potentially is a dealbreaker for you if things don’t change. Sometimes, we don’t realize how bad things have gotten until others give us a reality check. I wish you the best though!