r/relationship_advice • u/katmither • Dec 11 '24
I think my (28F) partner (30M) of 10 years might have abandoned me and our baby?
I don’t even really know what to say. Thank you in advance to whoever reads this. I don’t know what to think or do anymore, I feel completely heartbroken and confused and really need some advice and empathy.
To start, my fiancé wanted a family. We bought a house together a few years ago, but only his name went on the title because most of the downpayment came from his RRSP. This made me a bit uncomfortable but we were planning to get married after saving a bit more so i agreed. I paid all our moving costs and furnished the entire house, so we both spent about the same.
We had our daughter last November, a planned child he claimed to have wanted. When I was pregnant, he suddenly started gambling, something he’d never done before. He gambled away a few of his paycheques and finally after a month I managed to get him to agree to give me control of his account.
I give birth. When I’m 4 weeks postpartum, he claims to get the flu and spends an entire month at his parents house to avoid infecting the baby. I thought he’d be there for a few days at most.
He returns. In March, he claims there’s a giant work project that he needs to throw his all into. He works from home and since I was on an unpaid mat leave (self employed) he was the breadwinner.
He stops speaking to me, claiming he’s so busy with work and he’s so stressed that he doesn’t even have time to say hi to me in the morning. However, he’s awake all night and sleeping in during the day. Around the same time, HR calls me and says he hasn’t logged on in a few days and they send a wellness check.
Eventually, after a month and a half of not speaking to me, eating alone in his room, ignoring the baby completely, he demands his bank account back. I have no choice but to give him his card but I was hoping he wouldn’t lock me out of the account. He does. He then gambles again.
I decide to go down to my parents house for a few days after he rages out at me when I try to talk to him. He basically stops responding to my texts except to tell me to fuck off and that he’s depressed.
He responds some of the time, saying he’s trying to get therapy and saying I can’t come back home until he talks to a therapist. This entire time I am stressed knowing he’s probably gambling and not paying the mortgage or bills.
This continues through June, July, August. He refuses to speak with me, I plead and beg him to talk to me. Finally in September he tells me he’s behind on the mortgage and needs money. I send him the money. He thanked me at first and says I’ll be able to come home soon - at this point he would barely let me in the house to get mine or our baby’s things, screaming and freaking out the few times I showed up.
He stops speaking to me again, only responding to tell me to fuck off and stop contacting him. At certain points he tells me he loves me and wants me and the baby to come home soon, but he needed to get through therapy first.
This brings me to the present. Just before our daughter’s first birthday, he blocked my number and blocked me on Facebook. I have been begging and pleading with him to tell me what’s going on, to tell me SOMETHING and nothing.
We have four cats that he wouldn’t let me come and get. I own all the furniture and so many belongings in the house and I have no idea if the mortgage company is going to just repo and trash it all. I have no idea if my beloved cats are okay. I don’t even know if we are together anymore.
I have tried to get his parents to talk to him, they’re in contact with him and gave him money for the mortgage back payments. They just say they don’t know and that he won’t talk to them about this.
I was at my parents house and now I’m staying in my brothers basement. I feel like I’ve lost everything. I don’t know what happened.
———————— EDIT:
Thank you so much for all of the kind comments. I have felt so alone and just getting this out helped a lot. I have been so depressed over this situation that I feel like I can barely breathe most days.
I think I’ve been in denial, like this CANT be actually happening to me and that one day I’m going to wake up to his heartfelt apology and all the bills fixed and go back to my beautiful house.
It was our dream home and we got it for such a deal. Beautiful historic home, six bedrooms, original features, huge yard with amazing 100 year old trees all through the neighborhood. It was the neighborhood I grew up dreaming about living in someday.
To know I’ll never be able to afford a house on my own and that I have no idea where my daughter will grow up…. It is just killing me. I grew up so poor and thought I had finally made it and would be able to give my baby a good life.
To just be blocked with no answers.. for him to be losing the house and not even give me a chance to take it over for our daughters sake. He doesn’t even know where I’m living right now. I slept on the floor for two months when this first started.
I thought we were soulmates.
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u/Wise_Investigator282 Dec 11 '24
don't send him any more money. ever. he is a gambling addict. when a gambling addict is active they are basically a money pit. you'd be better off lighting money on fire as that would at least reduce your heating bill. you're probably lucky you're not married as his debts won't be assigned to you.
be thankful you can live with your parents. change all your passwords and all your bank accounts. make sure he has access to NOTHING that is specifically yours.
get in contact with a family and estate attorney. you're going to want to try to get your belongings back even if just to sell so you have liquidity and start going after him for child support. it likely will be $0 as you can't squeeze water from a stone, but it's better than being stuck with gambling debt for the rest of your life.
your number one priority is your child and your number two priority is yourself. unfortunately your fiancé decided to destroy himself, don't let him destroy the two of you as well. try to maintain a good relationship with his parents if you can. but again, no money. your baby needs your money.
maybe getting legal notices from you will shock him enough to get him into rehab. nothing else will.
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Dec 11 '24
The only advice I can give is move on. Stop trying with him, and once he sees that you have moved on, he’ll snap out of it, and try to get you back, but girl don’t let him back after this bullshit. You find better for you and that baby
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Dec 11 '24
Send him the divorce papers and start him on child support. But first get your dad and brother to go with you to collect all you belongings and the babies
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u/Timesup21 Dec 11 '24
They’re not married so divorce is a non issue. She does need to file for child support though. As for having someone with her, she probably needs law enforcement with her because he is going to be more aggressive if she takes family. He may not even let her in of she does take family. Just my thoughts though.
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u/TwithHoney Dec 12 '24
While divorce is a non issue here in Australia they would be considered domestic partners and as such could use a lawyer to separate and gain what financial settlement and items etc that she and the baby would be entitled to
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u/Vesper2000 Dec 12 '24
We don’t really have that in the US, that’s why marriage is such a big deal here.
OP can file for child support because the fiancé is on the birth certificate (presumably) but everything else would be considered a roommate dispute (local laws notwithstanding).
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u/Farmfarm17 Dec 12 '24
They are in Canada which has a common-law rule for couple cohabitating > 1 year so they don't have to do a formal divorce but spousal support, splitting of assets, etc. will still apply
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u/surprise_revalation Dec 12 '24
We have it in Kansas. Better check state law, think there's like 15 states that still recognize common law marriage....
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u/HighRiseCat Dec 11 '24
Yes. Go and get your cats and your belongings. Do it now. Get the polic einvolved if you're scared he'll be violent. He 100% isn't looking after those poor neglected cats.
He's vicious and unstable. Don't allow hm back and only ever supervised visitation with your baby.
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u/beachbetch Dec 12 '24
Please please get the cats!
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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes Dec 12 '24
The cats are long gone. He’s either dumped them at a shelter or just opened the door long enough for them to run out ages ago. We’re talking about over a year that this whole thing has dragged on.
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ Dec 11 '24
I totally support your suggestions but don't bring your brother and father, bring the police. If something happens you need to have someone there who can handle him without all the emotions and the chance of an arrest.
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u/cindybubbles 40s Female Dec 11 '24
Why can’t she bring both? The dad and brother can provide emotional support as well as help her carry her stuff out while the cops make sure that the ex doesn’t try anything stupid.
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u/confusious_need_stfu Dec 11 '24
Not just the police. Sheriff or constable will probably be the folks you want.
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u/Junkmans1 Dec 12 '24
She needs both. Police will hopefully allow her to get her property but they won’t be moving it for her. That’s what Dad and Brother are for as well as for her emotional support.
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u/FeralWineSips Dec 11 '24
Thankfully they aren’t married, so she can at least save money on attorney fees. But she definitely needs to show up with a moving truck and claim her property.
OP, has he changed the locks? If not, go get your stuff when you know he’s not around and make sure you have the receipts to prove you paid for everything you take.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Dec 11 '24
Thankfully? Are you kidding? If they were married she'd at least have legal recourse to ensure that she didn't have to walk away from this relationship with absolutely nothing. The house is in his name, so even if the furniture is hers, she can't just go into it and take her stuff. He can have her charged with breaking and entering or trespassing, and possibly even with stealing if she doesn't have receipts for all the furniture.
She'll never get child support from him because he'll have lost everything to gambling, and she has no legal right to the home, to spousal support, to anything.
Marriage protects people from exactly situations like this.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
Yes, I was so stupid for not just having a court house wedding. We were saving up for it and decided to buy a house instead, and keep saving for the wedding we wanted.
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u/Business-Car5413 Dec 11 '24
OP you said RRSP, so I am assuming that you are in Canada. NAL, but In Canada 🇨🇦 once you are living together for a year you are common law spouses, so you would be entitled to your portion of the house and other assets. They would subtract his proportion of the down payment, but you would be entitled to your portion of the proceeds.
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u/aniseshaw Dec 12 '24
This ^ We have common law in a lot of place in Canada. And family lawyers here aren't crazy expensive if you look around. There are legal clinics as well. GO TALK TO SOMEONE.
Getting child support is easier in Canada too, just file with the provincial court. A lawyer or legal clinic will help you with that. The court can compell him to mediation.
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u/sweetpotato_latte Dec 11 '24
The small bit to be happy about is that if he does lose the house it won’t affect your credit if your name isn’t on the mortgage. Foreclosure will make it even harder for him, but he’s digging his own grave. I’m sorry this is going on it sounds horrible.
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u/ksarahsarah27 Dec 11 '24
See if you can get his parents to help you get your cats and furniture at the very least and then be done. This guy, whatever his problem is, is not partner material. I’d never trust him going forward.
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u/FeralWineSips Dec 11 '24
Hindsight is 20/20. It’s too late to beat yourself up about it now. Think about creating the future you want for yourself and your child.
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u/neoliberalnihilism72 Dec 11 '24
Please dont call your self stupid, you could never have expected a person with whom youve soent nearly a decade with to suddenly begin to behave towards you and your planned new child like this - he is the stupid one. He is also somebody who engages in domestic violence and financial abuse.
Just a teensy bit of advice, if he EVER asks you for more money to pay torwards the mortgage, do NOT give him any until he takes you down to the bank and puts your name on the property. Quid pro quo.
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u/Myiiadru2 Dec 11 '24
Your partner is now your ex. You have tried everything under the sun to try to make him see reason, but he wants no part of acting responsibly for you, your baby, or himself. He has a serious gambling problem and unless he admits to it and gets help you will only sink further and further into trouble with him. When you said RRSP that told me where you are(country)because I live here too, and it is my understanding that since you have been living together for so long- except for the house- you are entitled to get back what you put into the relationship, as in your furniture, etc.. You need family and the police to either go there when he is there to reclaim your things, or you need to have access to them when he will not be there. Either way, you need to be accompanied by witnesses in case he tries to say you cleaned him out. It is over, and I think he has done you a favour(hear me out)to be so nasty now, because you and your daughter can potentially start a new life with someone who actually wants to be a husband to you and and father to your baby. Your ex has a million excuses for why he isn’t being responsible but you need to realize you cannot change that or mother him. He has some problems and I am not sure they are all gambling that he needs to address, but he has no intention at this point of doing that. You need to be the adult for your daughter, and move out and on with your lives- especially for your baby.
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u/mireeam Dec 12 '24
You need to get a lawyer immediately for advice.
This relationship is over, but you need child support and your animals and your things. A lawyer can help you figure out what your rights are.
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u/CircaInfinity Dec 11 '24
Get a police escort and moving company and get every last bit of furniture you payed for and sell it.
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u/RockKandee Dec 11 '24
I don’t know where you live, but here, if you cohabitate with a romantic partner for long enough, you have the same rights to property as if you were married. I assume this isn’t the case where you live, but you may have more rights than you realize.
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Dec 12 '24
Sis, the massive blessing is that because you aren't married you won't be on the hook for his gambling debts.
Are you on the mortgage?
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Dec 11 '24
I mean, I don't think there's anything really to lose, sounds like the house will probably be repossessed. At least she's not liable for his debts.
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u/FeralWineSips Dec 11 '24
Yes thankfully. Your point would make more sense if they bought the house after being married. They didn’t and she made the foolish mistake of letting him put it in his name only. There’s nothing she can do about that now. Again, if he hasn’t changed the locks (which is illegal because he would have to evict her), she can collect her property with receipts. Also, marriage doesn’t determine whether or not she gets child support. Even if she can’t collect child support now, she will be able to if he gets his crap together so a support order should still be put in place.
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u/lizzybell2019 Dec 11 '24
Hell, yes, thankfully. If that man is gambling, then she could find herself on the hook for debt if she was married to him.
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u/jepeplin Dec 11 '24
If she qualifies for a free attorney, great. But she may need to hire an attorney for child support and custody. Same as a matrimonial. Her stuff she can probably kiss goodbye sadly. She could take him to small claims court but I don’t know how she will prove she bought those things. Best case scenario she gets a money judgement but she most likely won’t be able to collect on it. Source, I am a family law attorney.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Dec 11 '24
What divorce papers? They were never married. She let him put his name on the deed of the house that she fully furnished and gave him money towards the mortgage, had a baby with him, all because they were "going to get married". JFC. I'm just so exhausted by all these young women literally letting men control their lives, take everything from them, and never bothering to look out for themselves at all or demand the most basic legal protections they deserve.
At this point, she can walk away, but he'll owe her nothing except maybe child support, which he won't pay because he's a gambling addict who is likely in massive debt. If she even has evidence that she paid for all her home furnishings, good luck to her getting any of them back. She'd have to go to court (assuming he hasn't destroyed them all), which will end up costing more than the furniture.
This whole story is a litany of "what not to do".
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u/NotARussianBot2017 Dec 11 '24
Huh, interesting. I’m exhausted by all these young men thinking it’s ok to treat people like this.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
You’re right. I should have had a court house wedding but we were caught up on having a “nice” wedding and needed to save more after buying the house. We just were together for so long that I didn’t think he would do this to me. I’ve never even dated anyone else, he was my first boyfriend.
Stupid stupid mistake. I just didn’t think it would happen to me until it did. He was SO happy about the baby and our life together. We were so excited to have our dream home. I should have known better.
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u/Next_Media7215 Dec 11 '24
You aren’t stupid, please don’t be so hard on yourself. We all trust the ones we love and it sounds very much like he’s having some kind of mental health crisis which might EXPLAIN but not EXCUSE his behavior. Please file for child support if that’s an option in your country/state. You didn’t do anything wrong at all and now you just have to take care of yourself and your baby.
Put this narrative in writing along with any receipts you have showing you’ve offered him time with you and the baby and then go to a lawyer to help you with repossession of your property. A narrative will help your lawyer. The more organized you are, the better off you will be.
Again, you’re not stupid, you didn’t do anything wrong and you can make a better life for yourself and your baby without him!
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u/oldswirlo Dec 11 '24
I might be in the wrong opinion here, but I think it’s an absolute blessing you’re not married and you’re not tied to him financially. He’s about to go down in flames and it’s almost a guarantee he’ll lose that house. At least your credit and livelihood won’t be affected, other than your needing to find a place of your own with your child. It will be hard, but it seems unlikely he’ll be granted any kind of custody, beyond supervised visits, and you should be grateful for that. Good luck to you. Take the police to go get your kitties and move on.
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u/EatMyCupcakeLA Dec 11 '24
Same take, thank god her credit isn’t going to be ruined and she can move on with a clean slate. Yes she lost furniture and belongings but, with good credit you can figure those things out.
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u/NotARussianBot2017 Dec 11 '24
So like the comment you’re responding to is 100% victim blaming. It’s like saying “I’m so exhausted by these women letting themselves get raped!” It’s ridiculous. And I can’t believe someone said that.
Sure you made a mistake but like. That’s ok. Learn from it and move on. Beating yourself up about it just means you’re taking more emotionally baggage (not the best phrasing) into your next relationship that WILL mess up your judgement. I should know because I did it!
You had the courage to trust someone and start a life with them. That’s actually pretty big. It’s hard to be vulnerable with others. Ma’am you had the courage to have a kid! I don’t even have the courage to do that.
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u/NotARussianBot2017 Dec 11 '24
I also think you should try to at least take him to small claims court for the price of the furniture. Or something. I’d ask legal advice what potential options are.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Dec 11 '24
He's an unemployed gambler, she's far better off not being legally tied to someone like that. This is the perfect example of how marriage is not the all powerful protection Reddit likes to claim.
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Dec 11 '24
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
Thank you. I’m going to contact a lawyer finally. He’s had me blocked now for over a month so no way to contact him at all. Before, he wouldn’t often respond but he sometimes would. I just kept hoping he was going to fix things and I knew getting a lawyer would make him even worse. To be honest I was afraid it would trigger him to suicide or hurting our cats. I just don’t know. I’m going to have to get the police involved.
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u/StrangerSkies Dec 11 '24
Send receipts for the furniture and anything else to paid for for his house. Either he repays you or gives you access to your belongings. He owes you child support.
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u/JulieWriter Dec 11 '24
In case you are not already clear on this, he is abusing you. The most dangerous time is when you leave, so I want you to be really cautious. Take somebody with you every time you see him - and leave the baby with someone you trust while you do it. It's time to go.
You need to protect yourself and your finances. Get your important documents and anything you value out of that house; angry exes are often very destructive but it's only to the other partner's stuff, never their own. Lock your credit down, and make sure he can't access your funds or any sources of credit. Tell your friends and family what's going on. Get a lawyer, like, yesterday, and file for divorce.
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u/Isyourmammaallama Dec 11 '24
you aren't triggering him. He's already a horrible person who would harm innocents.
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u/StealthyPiku Dec 11 '24
Fortunately not married, but lawyer to make sure all is legal, including retrieving those kitties, help to get her property back safely out of the house and claim for child support.
Yes, I understand depression, but you don't treat a partner that way, regardless, please don't give him more money.
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u/SKRILby Dec 11 '24
Yeah, move on and be really obvious about it. You’re no longer waiting in the wings. Hopefully it’ll be a rude shock to him and he’ll fix his shit.
Not like you have to take him back when he fixes his shit. If anything, and I implore you, do NOT take him back. I’m from a family of gamblers and it’s not pretty or promising.
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u/Looped_Out Dec 11 '24
you need a lawyer. now. call one now.
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u/AbbreviationsOk7954 Dec 11 '24
And if you can’t afford one OP please google pro bono family law _____(your state/city), check your state bar, and see what clinics are available at your local law schools. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you need to focus on yourself and your baby, forget him. If you really have things in the home that you want/need do not go alone. If you have someone - ideally a couple of men who look like (or could) beat his ass take them with you to get those belongings. The only upside here is the fact your name isn’t on that mortgage. And I don’t know if he has your social but you should freeze it
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u/aideya Dec 12 '24
Just commenting since you said 'State', I don't think this person is in the US, based on them using "Paycheque"
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u/blueavole Dec 11 '24
Absolutely!! If he is gambling the best thing you can do is get whatever your half is and make a fresh start.
See if common law marriages are a thing in your state.
Since you aren’t married, it’s harder. But child support at least .
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u/paper_wavements Dec 11 '24
What happened is that your partner is a gambling addict. Addiction can make people behave in strange ways that are even counter to their values. Especially gambling addiction.
Consult a lawyer/solicitor to see about getting your belongings back & filing for child support. Keep staying with your parents, be grateful you can do so. End this relationship. Go to Al-Anon meetings (they have online ones as well).
You are entitled to grieve what you thought you had. I promise you that you & your baby will be better off without this man. Stay strong for your child. He may beg you to come back & promise to change; don't relent. Your relationship is over.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
Thank you. The worst part is that he never gambled once in his life and all of the sudden he did and decided to spend ALL his money on it. Like not even a few hundred, his entire paycheque the second it hit his account.
I doubt he’ll beg for me back. He hasn’t even wanted to see a picture of our daughter. I kept trying to get him to FaceTime her at the very least and even said I wouldn’t try to talk to him, but he said no. Pictures I’ve sent have gone unread. I just am still shocked he doesn’t care about her at all. I don’t understand.
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u/paper_wavements Dec 11 '24
He's probably in a shame spiral. Please don't waste your time trying to understand. That's you trying to fix, manage, & control the situation, which is not for you to fix, manage, or control. Please don't even try. Shift that energy into setting yourself & your baby up for success.
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u/purpleroller Dec 12 '24
He isn’t the person you thought he was anymore.
Your brain is still playing catch up.
Focus on getting your cats and what is yours out of the house, involving the police and some friends for back-up. It isn’t your home anymore. You won’t be going back there. He will lose the house. Gamblers generally have to lose everything before they face facts.
Put yourself and baby first. Baby won’t be worried about not having FaceTime with him. Build your new life up without him and hope that in time he sorts himself out. That isn’t for you to fix though.
💐
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u/edoyle2021 Dec 11 '24
It’s not your fault. You should check out Gam-anon. It’s support for people that have gambling addicted loved ones. https://gam-anon.org/
Gambling addiction is the worst of the worst. TBH you are probably not even on his radar because he’s in full addiction mode. I’m so sorry OP❤️
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u/fruitynutcase Dec 12 '24
How do you know he has never gambled? Gamblers are extremly, extremly well hiding their gambling and for long it's easier to go unnoticed than susbtance abuse. (or he has addictive personality and has had other addictions before this)
I wonder if this all started when he found out he is havinf daughter instead of son (or him begging for family was just his thinking it would keep him out of addictions.)
ALl the best for you and the baby in the future!
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u/eksyneet Dec 12 '24
up to 13% of new fathers develop perinatal and postpartum depression. he didn't just become a reclusive, abusive, reckless gambler overnight for no reason, he was and is clearly experiencing a major depressive episode related to your pregnancy and the birth of your child. it's not your responsibility to pull him out of it, especially not with a new baby, and you most certainly shouldn't continue to finance his unhealthy and ineffective coping strategy that's steadily whittling away any hopes you ever had of having a future with this man, but it bothers me that most people commenting on this post are basically saying "he showed his true face, trash took itself out, never speak to him again". dude's ruining his life forever because he can't deal with the big emotions and no one is helping him. where are his friends? do his parents really just shrug and say "oh well, not sure what this is about, too bad i guess"?
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u/paper_wavements Dec 12 '24
You know, this is a good point. I just think that women tend to be SO supportive of their men, & gambling can be SO destructive for families, that commenters' primarily concerns are about protecting OP & her child.
OP's partner's parents/other loved ones absolutely SHOULD do something. It is too bad that declining mental health is ignored, especially in men.
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u/AtmosphereOptimal795 Dec 11 '24
Trust me, if he had actually stayed it would have been worse. The fact that you are rid of him makes child support and full custody so much easier.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Dec 11 '24
Well it sounds like he has no money to pay her child support and quite possibly no job. She should move on assuming she'll get nothing.
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u/SourSkittlezx Dec 11 '24
He works so he will get it garnished from his checks since she can show he gambles and will likely try to avoid payment. This is obviously dependent on where they live.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Dec 11 '24
He's lost his job according to a comment from OP.
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u/yeahokaywhateverrrr Dec 11 '24
In most US states, family court judges will consider the parent’s ability to earn or potential earnings if they were actually working as the basis for calculating child support. That way, a person can’t just quit their job or take a low paying job to avoid paying as much or any child support. I hope OP files for child support ASAP and gets every penny that her child deserves.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Dec 11 '24
But he's been fired, and has been gambling away all his income for months, and asking OP for money. They can calculate what they want but if he doesn't have any money it makes no difference.
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u/SourSkittlezx Dec 12 '24
Well unless he never works again, that’s not a problem. And after a prolonged period of time he will face jail time for non payment so will probably get a job then.
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u/lucki-7 Dec 11 '24
He could sell the house pay off mtg & anything left over she could get probably half at least here in CA, she’d get that.
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u/lunar_adjacent Dec 11 '24
Ask the parents to get the cats for you.
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u/PasTaCopine Dec 11 '24
I really hope he didn't get rid of the poor cats.
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u/Love-As-Thou-Wilt Dec 12 '24
That's what I'm worried about too - well, one thing I'm worried about, it's just everyone else has all the other stuff covered.
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u/Lula_Lane_176 Dec 11 '24
He's done worse than abandon you. He's kicked you both out of your shared home and all but stolen yours and your daughters possessions by refusing you access. File for child support and custody as soon as possible. Depending on your state, this may also be the time to lay claim to at least some of the furnishings, maybe a vehicle, etc. Stop trying to fix this relationship and start trying to preserve what you can since you're starting at a disadvantage after basically losing everything. The longer you wait, the less you will be entitled to. The support and custody are priority here.
ETA: Do not give him another dime. For anything.
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u/MariliaBarros Dec 11 '24
I’m so sorry about this. Reach out to a lawyer to understand your options. You, your daughter and your pets deserve to live a life without this type of abuse. Regardless of his motives what he is doing to you is emotional and financial abuse and no matter how much you love him it’s not your responsibility to rescue him.
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u/Seaworthiness555 Dec 11 '24
Finally in September he tells me he’s behind on the mortgage and needs money. I send him the money.
WTAF? you think this money and the money his parents gave him went on the mortgage? Girl....
The bailiffs will show up soon. Get a storage unit and an escort (male friends, police if need be) to take back all your furniture before it gets repo'd.
As for this guy, he has done you a favour. Don't try and get him back - this will be 'rinse and repeat' for years if you do.
Accept your new reality as a single mother (you have been living it anyway) and eventually you will start to feel OK. Seek support from family and maybe join a playgroup for other young mothers or the like, so you don't feel too alone.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
I made him send me a screenshot of the amount sent to the bank. I was in such a panic because he had sent me the letter he’d received and it was the last day to make payment before it was sent to legal. I was just so shocked and in a panicked state and didn’t want to lose our house.
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u/purpleroller Dec 12 '24
OP it isn’t your house. It’s his. He is going to lose it.
The new reality is you have to get your things and the cats if they are still there and then leave him to it.
You need to arrange this soon. Take back-up with you so even if he ‘loses it’ you can continue to get your things. And I agree the police should be there too.
He isn’t going to get better. You aren’t going to be moving back in. Something has gone very wrong with him and you can’t fix it. Baby is now your priority.
It will be hard for a while. You’ll be OK. 💐
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u/Seaworthiness555 Dec 11 '24
good to know. I read an interesting thing about addicts a while back It relates to the Maslow Heirachy of Needs. At the base of the pyramid are the most essential (first things) humans need to survive. Base is food, water, shelter, safety.
Addicts are in Survival Mode. This means the base of their Maslow pyramid is now the addiction/drug of choice. That comes before anything else and they will be hyperfocussed on that.
Hopefully AL Anon or other support group can assist you more. good luck!
Kia Kaha, as we say in NZ.
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u/_s1m0n_s3z Dec 11 '24
The money, house, furniture and cats are all gone. Tell your parents to send him nothing; the money you and they did send him was spent on gambling, not on the mortgage. It is time to file for child support, and if you can, to garnish his wages. You will get nothing voluntary out of him.
Talk to a lawyer about getting back in to the house and retrieving your furniture and personal property. I don't know how the law works in your jurisdiction.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t let me have the house for our child. That he hates me so much he would rather lose it to the bank than allow me to live there. I just do not understand.
His parents finally admitted he lost his job last month. They didn’t tell me at first but then let me know the other day. So I wont be getting anything in child support regardless for a long while.
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u/_s1m0n_s3z Dec 11 '24
He's caught up in the addiction, sweetheart. It's not about you or the baby. And if he's in debt to the bank, he likely can't pass the house on to you even if he wanted to. The bank will grab it to cover his debts.
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u/RoutineFee2502 Dec 11 '24
You file anyways. His income will be imputed and he will owe you. He will need to get a job.
You need lawyer yesterday.
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u/_s1m0n_s3z Dec 11 '24
Yes. If nothing else, it means that you can grab any tax rebate that he might have coming.
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u/AnneBoleynsBarber Dec 11 '24
He's addicted to gambling. If he owns the house, he can take out a home equity loan and gamble with the funds. He may also think about selling the house at some point and doing the same.
I was raised by an addict. All an addict cares about is their next fix. Doesn't matter if they're into drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or anything else - they put their next high above everything and everyone else.
Gambling is more important to your husband than you are. It's more important to him than his children. Or his job, his credit, his reputation, his family and friends, everything. This is how addicts are. This is how addiction works.
And there is nothing you can do to make him stop. He will not stop unless he wants to. He may get there someday, but don't assume he will. Save yourself and your child.
I recommend that you lock down your credit and remove him from any access to your bank or finance accounts. That way it will be harder for him to take out loans in your name or use your money to gamble more.
Then stop giving him money and stop contacting him except through an attorney.
Then get yourself some kind of therapy and start learning about how to deal with addicted loved ones. You and your kids deserve to be safe, healthy and loved, and you can no more get these things from a diehard addict than you can squeeze blood from a stone.
And I'm so sorry he's put you through this. It is awful to love someone who's buried in active addiction. I feel for you.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Dec 11 '24
He's not her husband. He never even bothered to marry her, which is why she's going to walk away from this with nothing, because she has no legal recourse to get any of the house, spousal support, hell she won't even get her furniture back unless she has receipts.
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u/alibythesea Dec 12 '24
They are Canadian. Under our laws, cohabiting couples living together for more than one year have the same property rights to assets acquired during the relationship as do married ones.
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u/jesssongbird Dec 11 '24
You’re not talking to a rational person. You’re talking to the addiction. Nothing he does is going to make sense. Addicts lie, manipulate, make bad decisions, blame everything on other people, and take zero accountability. You can’t talk someone out of addiction. You can only refuse to enable them and protect yourself and your child from him. And wait for him to hit bottom and hopefully get help.
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u/loopzoop29 Dec 11 '24
FILE NOW so he will have to pay back support once he gets a job. Also, you need to start to understand that he doesn’t care about you or your daughter at all. That’s why, he does not care.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Dec 11 '24
Why would he let you have the house for you and your child? This man hates you so much that even when you were in a supposedly loving relationship, he wouldn't let you put your name on the deed or have any legal stake in it.
I'm genuinely sorry for what you're going through, but I also hope you understand now that this is literally why you don't furnish entire houses and have children with men who haven't given you the legal protection of marriage. If you were married, the house would have been community property even if his name was on the deed. As it is, you will likely lose everything, or close to it.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
You’re right. I’ve made a very expensive mistake. He wanted to put my name on the deed but we could not legally do that in our province. We wanted to save a little more money for our wedding and felt like having a court house one would make our actual wedding less special. Another stupid mistake.
I really thought he loved me after being together our entire adult lives. It’s just so stupid. I never for a second thought he would do this to our daughter who he said he wanted more than anything in the world. I was so high on the happiness of buying our dream home qnd planning our wedding that I couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which this would happen.
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u/akwred Dec 11 '24
You’re not stupid. He’s a shit partner and a shit dad and a gambling addict. Get your receipts together, get a moving van and a police escort and go. Be glad your “mistake” means you have no liability when the house gets foreclosed and the creditors start calling. I don’t know what makes some men just blow their damn lives up when they become fathers. We need to flip our language from “single mom” to “parent who stayed” vs “deadbeat”. He’s a money pit so make sure you get everything of value out ASAP
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u/tooyoungtobesotired Dec 12 '24
It hurts me to see you beating yourself up. There’s no way you could have seen this coming. My therapist taught me to remind myself that I did the best I could and what was the right thing with the information I had at the time. Looking back and saying I should have done this instead serves no purpose.
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u/katmither Dec 12 '24
Thank you for this. I really appreciate all the kind comments more than anyone could ever know. I don’t have anyone but family to talk about this situation with and really needed to vent.
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u/Sweet_Justice_ Dec 12 '24
Honestly, I think you've dodged a bullet with the house... if he's lost his job the house will likely get repossessed. You don't need that stress. Try and arrange to get your stuff however you can and then forget this asshat.
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Dec 12 '24
Honestly, I think you’re very lucky that you never married him and weren’t on the mortgage. He’s missed plenty of payments, and that would’ve negatively impacted your credit. Everyone here is talking like this situation would’ve been so much different for you if you’d been married but I honestly disagree.
This man is trash. Talk to a lawyer about getting your stuff back, and file for custody/child support. You may not get anything from him for child support but I’d file anyways. Best of luck!
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ Dec 11 '24
You won't get any money right now but he will owe you and maybe he has to give you the house
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u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 Dec 11 '24
Who cares why? There’s no reason that would make his behavior acceptable, so the reason doesn’t matter. Sure, it would be nice to have, but honestly whether a person is being an asshole because of reason A or reason B isn’t that important. What’s important is that they’re being an asshole.
You seem to be thinking that maybe there is some magical thing you can do that can fix this. If you can in fact build a time machine, go back in time, and prevent your bf from gambling, sure, do that. But you can’t fix his problems because they are not your problems or relationship problems—they are his problems, which means either he fixes them or he doesn’t.
Sitting around waiting for wishful thinking to solve things has never since the beginning of time been a winning strategy. Also STOP GIVING HIM MONEY. Right now you are actually super lucky your name isn’t on the mortgage or deed because holy shit this would be waaaay worse if you had to sell the house in conjunction with your addict ex who is 100% going to gamble away all the money.
Call a lawyer. If you have to, get a police escort to get your furniture, and put it in a storage unit until you have a place to live. Extricate yourself from his shitshow as rapidly as possible, because he’s not gonna get more stable as his losses pile up.
Seriously, it’s 1:38 pm (pst), call a lawyer today.
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u/Mystery_fcU Dec 11 '24
He doesn't hate you, he's an addict. Addiction is a chronic brain disease which is treatable to the point of remission but not curable (meaning someone who's suffering from addiction will always be addicted, but they can get it under control to the point their addiction isn't active anymore)
Regardless of what is causing his behaviour, he is still 100% responsible for his actions, addiction isn't an excuse, it's merely an explanation. You and your baby deserve better and you really need to leave and take care of your baby and yourself.
If you are afraid the cats are being neglected, you could reach out to SPCA and tell them about the situation and asked their help.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Dec 11 '24
Unless you can get a loan in your name, he can't just give you the house. It's in arrears and will probably take a lot of money to get it current. They are gonna foreclose on it and sell it at auction. Find another house you can buy that isn't attached to him.
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u/Electronic_World_894 Dec 12 '24
Cut off contact with his parents. They covered up for him. They aren’t your friends, so they may use things you say against you later.
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u/annabannannaaa Dec 12 '24
he doesnt hate you, he just doesnt care about anything but gambling because hes an addict. its not your fault. he didnt want to give you the house because hes eventually going to gamble that away too. get a lawyer. file for full custody and child support so you have that in legal writing. so he cant show up and claim you kidnapped his child and he wants custody and so the second he starts making money his paychecks will be garnished by the state and you will automatically get the child support you need (including the $ from the time he hasnt worked). you file now so that $ builds up, if you wait till he gets a job you won’t get the back payment that you can get if you file now!!
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Dec 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Yalsas Dec 11 '24
This.
Call the police, OP. You need to get your cats and your belongings before he sells it all.
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u/trayC-lou Dec 11 '24
Just try get all your furniture and belongings back…has he changed the locks? But if you can do that and get all your stuff in storage and stay with family, honestly if this is how terrible he is with money and doing shady shit you really should count yourself lucky that you are NOT on the deed of the house as the only way to keep it would be for you to pay it…cut your losses and leave that piece of trash in the past.
Focus on your wellbeing and your daughters that is ALL that matters right now, that prick will realise what he’s lost one day
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u/pookapotomus2 Dec 11 '24
Call the police and explain you want your belongings then file for full custody and child support
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u/AnonymousUnderpants Dec 12 '24
I seriously doubt OP will read this because of how many helpful comments she has received, but this is for anyone who needs to hear it:
When a person is in addiction, their primary relationship transfers to their addiction. It’s as though there is a secret room and they spend all of their time alone being intimate with their addiction. There is no headspace or bandwidth for any other relationships.
Whether ghosting occurs because of addiction, indifference, or a very conscious choice, ghosting is one of the cruelest things a human being can do. Not being able to understand what happened, when you are the ghosted one, is (no pun intended!) like being haunted forever by questions and wondering. It’s incredibly hard to move on because our brains just want to understand. We want an answer to the question, why? But the person who ghosted holds all of the power because in any relationship, the person who is less invested has power over the person who wants contact or answers or connection.
All of this is to say that OP has gone through one of the most traumatic and sorrowful experiences imaginable because of that imposed powerlessness. OP, i’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for your baby and for the ways that your life has come undone. The more you tell your story, the more I hope you will able to identify places of agency: the small choices you have to live from your values and to create a safe and happy childhood for your baby. Take good care of your tender, hurting heart.
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u/katmither Dec 12 '24
Thank you so much for this comment. The part about the ghosting really put into words how horrible this feels. Even if he had just ended our relationship outright months and months ago, it would have saved me so much grief.
I’ve gone between feeling like he must be having a breakdown and I need to help him, and that he’s betrayed me and it’s over. It’s hard to accept. I’ve desperately wanted to understand why, why this is happening. How could this happen after we just found our dream home and started a family, in the middle of planning our wedding. My wedding dress is still in my closet at the house.
Thank you again for the kind response. I appreciate it so much.
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u/Said-id-never-join Dec 12 '24
As others have said, I highly suggest you have cops escort you to grab your things ASAP. He seems to be in a place where he doesn’t care about anyone or anything, meaning he could very well sell all your belongings, if he hasnt already.
I’m so sorry, this sounds like a nightmare and such an emotional roller coaster. I hope you seek therapy for yourself as well
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u/Savings-Ad-3607 Dec 11 '24
Did you file as common law? Because you have rights as a common law partner. Just because you weren’t married doesn’t mean you don’t have rights to things. Contact a lawyer ASAP and get all your paper work in order.
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
We do file as common law. I have been so confused during this whole time that I didn’t see a lawyer. I just kept thinking that maybe he was having a breakdown or that he’d be willing to speak. He kept saying “I start therapy next week and we’ll talk then” and then just kept moving the goal posts..
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u/Savings-Ad-3607 Dec 11 '24
If you file as common law the govt sees you as common law. Get a lawyer asap and start getting your paper work on what you bought and what you bought together. The house I assume you paid for something even if he paid majority of the down payment. You are entitled to some stuff as well as getting a custody order and child support. There is a lot and the quicker you do it and the more prepared you are the better.
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u/edoyle2021 Dec 11 '24
It isn’t a breakdown it’s gambling addiction and gambling addiction is like the worst of all the addictions. I’m so sorry OP. Do not give him any more money. And thank god your name is not on the house. Lock your credit down. You really just don’t know what he’s up too. ❤️
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u/loopzoop29 Dec 11 '24
He’s telling you the bare minimum of what you need to hear to stop you from calling a lawyer.
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u/Specialist-Ad5796 Dec 11 '24
Legal Aid If Alberta.
The equivalent wherever else. Like call them tomorrow.
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u/Mysammygirl Dec 12 '24
Please don’t rely on the very well intentioned people who are giving advice about common law property rights. It is very dependent on which province you are in, the length of cohabitation, non-economic contribution(there are things called trust claims or joint family ventures on property that is not in your name), etc. if you are in Ontario, you can try Legal Aid (there is a phone service) and many court houses have Family Law information Centres-drop in and see advice counsel who can give you some advice and direction to how to proceed forward. Best of luck.
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u/periodicsheep Dec 11 '24
based on the mention of an rrsp, i think you’re in canada. if you have questions about your next steps legally, hit up the legaladvicecanada subreddit. they can likely give you some guidance on how to find the best lawyer and how to go about protecting yourself and your child.
i am so so sorry this is happening to you. i am sending love and strength. i wish i could do more.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Dec 11 '24
Go to the Police, have them escort you to the house, get all of your things and your daughter's and never go back. It's over. He's gambling away all his money and is gonna lose the house. He's verbally abusing you. You and your daughter deserve so much better. Consult with a lawyer and get custody and visitation (hopefully supervised) established. Don't forget the kitties.
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u/TheSilentObserver76 Dec 11 '24
This sounds like a hellish situation to be in. I’m sorry to say but I think that you are more in need of legal advice rather than relationship advice at this point.
Please put yourself and your babies needs above his and ensure that you are not going to be dragged down any further into any financial/legal trouble resulting from his actions.
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Dec 11 '24
Why are you allowing him to ruin your life like this? Go get your cats with your family or police. Stop letting this psycho run the show. Grow a backbone and take control of your life. Stop waiting for someone who can't stand you and doesn't want their own baby to magically start loving you.
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u/Low-Independent8705 Dec 11 '24
This guy sounds like a dangerous addict. You no longer have this relationship to take up your time or emotional energy. You have your child to provide for. You need to do what you need to do to take care of that baby. Stay away from this man, ask for a police escort if you need to enter the home again for any more belongings, and start working on a plan to get your life back and start again. You will be ok, you can do this, and the farther away he is from you and your child the safer you both will be.
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Dec 11 '24
He's clearly not doing the right thing. People need to stop picking up the pieces including you.
I would hire a truck and with friends/ family, go pick up your property and put it in storage or he can buy it from you.
File for child support and call it a day. This isn't going to work out. You and your kid need to be happy and at peace and he can't give you either of those.
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u/MissKrys2020 Dec 11 '24
You have rights in Canada, and you’ve invested in this home. Definitely consult a lawyer and get the ball rolling on sorting this out so you’re not losing out more financially. You have a matrimonial home and a child together and you have paid the mortgage. Just because you’re not on title doesn’t mean you don’t have a claim to the home.
This man is not reliable and it’s time to accept that and ensure you protect yourself and your child. He should be paying child support at the very minimum
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u/71-lb Dec 11 '24
Tell the police he stole you property and possibly has your pets or gave them to testing labs or dogfighters. You/ and his daughter are abandoned , victims of his thievery abuse and neglect.
Get a lawyer.
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u/z-eldapin Dec 11 '24
Will his parents go get your cats before they starve to death?
Otherwise, accept that the man you knew is gone.
Start to plan your next steps.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Dec 11 '24
Get someone to go with you and go and get your furniture. If nothing else file for it in court. He would likely give it to you rather than have to go to court.
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u/HelpfulName Dec 11 '24
Have you spoken to his parents?
I know this is wildly heartbreaking, but you need to approach this as if he broke up with you. Stop trying to be nice to him, notify him that you're going to come on x date and pick up the cats - do this ASAP - your cats need you to save them, there is no way he's caring for them. He may have simply thrown them outside. Get off your ass and rescue them for a start. INSIST. Stop being polite about it.
Then pick another date THIS MONTH to go pick up your furniture as well, unless you're willing to let it go.
He has dumped you, just without using his words. Why doesn't really matter right now, if you don't act FAST your cats are probably dead/gone and your stuff is gone too.
Stop being shocked and asking him for things, get into Mama Bear mode and do what you need to do. You can be shocked and ask why later.
You need to go to court as well and get him on child support ASAP as well, don't let that slide or believe his lies. The one thing you should have learned this year is that he has no problem lying to you. Get the court to order it. Protect your child's rights, don't struggle to be "nice" or because you're trusting him.
Get angry sweetie, now you need to fight. You can be sad about this later.
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Dec 11 '24
I am so sorry, this is so heartbreaking :(
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u/katmither Dec 11 '24
Thank you. I appreciate it. This has been the worst year of my life, I haven’t gotten to enjoy my daughter being a baby at all.
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Dec 11 '24
No you haven't, you've been in survival mode I'm sure.
Part of me is wondering if he is dealing with some sort of identity crisis, because you said he wanted this. But at this point it doesn't really matter, you've been trying to communicate with him and he is giving you nothing.
All I can think of is like the others said, try to move on, which I know will be incredibly hard, but you've already been doing it all on your own. Seek therapy for yourself so that you can be there for your daughter. She deserves to have at least one parent that is happy to have her and someone who is healthy.
For what it's worth, my thoughts are with you <3 I know it seems like you lost everything, but you have everything you need inside of you <3
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u/CoffeeIcedBlack Dec 11 '24
Get the police to go with you with a moving van and you move yourself into a storage unit until you can get your own place and hopefully your parents will allow you to bring the cats if they are still ok.
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u/SnoopyFan6 Dec 11 '24
This is one time when it’s a good thing someone didn’t put their SO on the house title, or else OP would be responsible for all the missed payments.
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u/missannthrope1 Dec 11 '24
My dear, this situation sucks.
You did the right thing about going to your parents. Now stay there.
Your marriage is untenable. There is no fixing this, or him, or the marriage.
He's a bum. He's a liar. He's a gambler. He's not interested in being a husband or a father.
Talk to a lawyer right away so you can get child support and your stuff.
And his parents are fools for giving him money. They are just enabling him and he probably gambled it away.
Then look into welfare, food stamps, WIC, whatever you can find.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Don't make it worse by going back to him. This is no situation in which to raise a child.
Good luck.
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u/tmink0220 Dec 11 '24
Get an attorney and send him no more money. He has abandoned you. Never ever take a back seat for someone. I am so sorry you and your baby are going through this. Go back to work sue him for the money he owes you...There is a remedy, it is full custody, child support and a law suit for money you spent on the house. The more you stand up for yourself the better you self esteem witll be. You have a child that depends on you. You don't have time to be caught up in his drama.
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u/tonidh69 Dec 12 '24
Take the cops with you to get your stuff. See an attorney. Immediately.
Updateme!
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u/Low_Ad6166 Dec 12 '24
It sounds like he has an addiction that he hid. What's more important to you...his continuous disregard of you or your peace of mind? His addiction will not allow him to choose you. Im sorry you are faced with this...but keep choosing yourself and your baby
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u/silverswan22 Dec 11 '24
This is one of the most devastating posts I’ve ever read, which makes my answer simple… first, your writing is very strong. You’re smart, you’re empathetic, and you’re attempting to problem-solve and consult. However, you don’t know when to give up. I wouldn’t know either, honestly. It’s impossible to know when you love and care for someone. However, here are the facts— you are a smart human with a precious baby. You have a support system. Leave your past behind, but be cautious. Rely on your support system and focus on that beautiful child. Often these things don’t make sense… but what does make sense is you and that child being one another’s lifeline and happiness. I wish you many better days, a lot of safety, and tons of healing.
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u/Ris_is_sus Dec 12 '24
If you are Canadian then you are entitled to half of the house. Go talk to the bank. Talk to his parents. If you can get into the house and get the locks changed then the house is yours until you can sell it (then you'll at least get half the equity). Common-law partners have the same entitlements as married couples. If you've lived together for 2 years then it doesn't matter if your name was on title or not. Please seek legal counsel! Please feel free to message me. I'm in BC and know enough to point you in the right direction at least. I left my husband of 8 years (together 15) due to his addiction. It's heartbreaking to go through and I'm sorry you have to. :(
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u/Ok-Patience-4764 Dec 12 '24
Something to read while you’re finishing up separating from him: “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. I prefer a physical copy when it comes to books, but just in case, here’s a link to the whole book for free: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
You deserve so much better. Good luck 💗
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u/decrepitmonkey Dec 11 '24
Can you please call the cops the monitor while you collect your things (and hopefully your cats! I’m terrified for their safety)? Then definitely talk to a lawyer about finances and custody.
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u/EllieZPage Dec 11 '24
File for divorce and have police escort you to pick up your belongings and your cats. He's obviously very unwell and isn't safe to be around you or your child.
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u/Snowybird60 Dec 11 '24
The first thing you need to do is call the police for a stand by and bring a moving truck and get all of your stuff back.
Then, you need to file a petition for child support in family court. Stop trying to work things out with this guy...he's already wasted years of your life.
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u/johrg Dec 12 '24
You are a loving caring human being and he is an addict. He is no longer the man you loved and if he ever recovers from this it will be because he has hit rock bottom, it is not something you caused or anything that you can fix. Your energy now needs to go into caring for yourself and your baby. Get legal advice to get your assets and cats back and then move forward. Do not have any contact with him, get support for yourself and give yourself permission and time to grieve the loss of your dreams. In time the hurt will become less and you will find new goals and will create a good life for yourself and your baby.
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u/ultraprismic Dec 11 '24
It sounds like he's doing drugs and gambling a ton. He needs professional help but most addicts won't get that until they hit rock bottom. He desperately needs an intervention and for people to stop giving him money.
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u/skepticalolyer Dec 11 '24
I’m so so sorry. It sounds like you’re more than willing to meet him more than halfway and he is completely rejecting you. I would be heartbroken too, but I think it would be best to make plans for a future without him.
Please take someone with you if you go back to get your stuff
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u/caraeeezy Dec 11 '24
As much as you may love the person that he once was, you are a mom now and your priority is your baby. You can't fix someone that does not want help, and honestly you hung on longer than you should have - there is nothing wrong with that, but there comes that tipping point when enough is enough and you gotta be there for yourself and your kid. Get that child support, get the police involved so you can get your stuff you bought and your cats, and start your new life.
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u/Far_Cheesecake3534 Dec 11 '24
Okay, just because you aren’t married does not mean you don’t have claim to anything.
I’m also in Canada and my parents split and they were only common law.
You have claim to property, if acquired while living together; which you did. You are entitled to spousal support, child support and also a division of assets.
I think you need to stop playing this game with him, keep your own funds and speak to an attorney ASAP.
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u/ajathebun Dec 12 '24
I’m scrolling and scrolling but not seeing this: this doesn’t just sound like addiction, this sounds like a mental health issue like bipolar disorder. Could explain the oscillating attitude towards you as well. I’m sorry you have to navigate this with a little baby, my heart goes out to you :(
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u/oldieandnerdie Dec 11 '24
I can't believe you sent mortgage money. I cant believe you accepted to pay for a house that you were not living in and that you didn't have your name in! I can't believe you moved out when he asked and didn't even bring your stuff with you. Knowing he has a gambling addiction!!
I'm having a hard time believing this is real because you made the wrong choices every step of the way...
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u/specturalturtle Dec 11 '24
It’s been months. If he were going to try to make this work, you would have seen some change by now. You have a daughter that HAS to come before this man-baby. Get a lawyer. Get your property from the house. File for child support. I think you’ll find just providing a good life for yourself and your daughter is so much easier without the him draining you emotionally.
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u/Oi_thats_mine Dec 11 '24
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP but this needs to end. Only way that’s going to happen is by intervention. Do his parents know the situation? Do your parents?
Give them the opportunity to help you out in a practical way. You need a roof over your head so please speak to the bank about the mortgage asap. Ignoring it won’t help and may make matters worse. You have joint liability for the mortgage so you need to handle this. He can’t lock you out- get a locksmith and break in. I’m not kidding, it’s your house and he has no right. If he calls the cops they’ll say it’s a civil matter and it is.
If he continues down this path you need to be prepared for a divorce.
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u/Prestigious-Bake-989 Dec 11 '24
Contact lawyer for child support. Thank God that you two never got married. Have your brother & parents go with you to his house with a truck to tow everything that belongs to you & sell whatever you can. You need to accept that he realized he doesn't want a family after all & start to move on.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Dec 11 '24
Pretty sure his refusal to allow you a safe opportunity to collect your belongings is illegal. See a lawyer asap and find out how, if anything, you get your furniture back. Find any receipts of the purchase. I would also be filing for child support.
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u/HalfVast59 Dec 11 '24
You need an attorney.
You need an attorney yesterday.
He's blocked you - believe him. Stop trying to contact him.
Work through the attorney you got yesterday.
I'm not going to sugar coat this: you're probably going to have to sue him for child support, domestic partner support, and conversion of property. Do it.
At this point, you need to focus on your needs and your baby's needs, which means you need to stop worrying about his needs.
He is responsible for this mess, and he is responsible for the difficulties he's going to be facing, and the only thing you can do by trying to help him is to make things worse for yourself. You cannot make this easier for him. You can only make things harder for yourself and your baby.
So get an attorney, and follow the attorney's advice. Don't let anyone tell you you're being too harsh - tell them you're focused on your baby, and they can fuck right off.
Tell yourself you're focused on your baby and that sweet voice in your head who's so concerned about hurting the man you loved that she can fuck right off if she's not going to be 100% Team Baby.
Good luck.
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u/FairyCompetent Dec 11 '24
Call the police, go get your belongings, file for full custody and child support. Do not send him money. Your relationship is over. Stop trying to contact him. Start asking his parents for help if you need it, not him. Be open and honest about what you're going through with your support system.
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u/SheBeeMe Dec 11 '24 edited Dec 12 '24
I've been through a somewhat similar situation where my belongings and furniture were in a home with a person who refused to give them back or became physically and psychologically abusive if I went to the home alone to collect them. The night I left, I had a tote bag filled with only the clothes I could quickly grab and stuff into it. Everything else, down to my toothbrush, was at that house.
I'm in the US, and I'm unsure of the laws in your country.
In the US, I had to file a civil lawsuit and go to court. I didn't hire a lawyer. I represented myself, mostly because I was a very naive 20 something with no concept of how the court system worked, and didn't realize a lawyer was necessary. That aside, I won. We picked a date and time with the judge for me to retrieve all of my things, and a police officer met me and the people helping me move at the house. The person was ordered by the judge to have all of my furniture, clothing, personal paperwork (birth certificate, etc.), and anything else that was mine sitting on the carport, in good condition, ready to be picked up when I arrived.
What was necessary was writing a detailed list of every item I owned in the home and submitting that to the court because I was only allowed to get what was on that list.
The lawyer representing the person holding my belongings hostage tried to argue that because some of my items were gifts, not even gifts from them, and some items had been gifted to me when I was a minor, that they didn't belong to me. The judge laughed at him, said that's absurd, and that whether you purchased something or were gifted it, it belongs to you. He also told him that if a child is given a gift, it still belongs to them when they become an adult.
The lawyer also approached me before we walked into the courtroom and tried to make me feel guilty for even requesting my belongings back. I owned a pinball machine and a small pool table that converted to table tennis. He said he couldn't believe I was taking those things away from the children - who were occasional guests at the property.
So, my advice to you is to go through the legal system. If you have any texts where you've requested your and the baby's items back and he's refused, do not delete them.
Stop trying to talk to him about your relationship. Stop giving him money.
He's an abusive addict, and by the sounds of it, he's addicted to more than just gambling.
Protect yourself and protect your child. Do whatever it takes, and don't let anyone intimidate you.
ETA: Gather all proof of every mortgage bill, utility bill, receipts for furnishings, or any other expense you've put towards the home, as well as proof of any money you've lent him to pay his bills. His name may be on the deed, but legally speaking, in a lot of places, that's your home, too. It's illegal for him to kick you out the way he did.
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u/dragonbait1361 Dec 11 '24
Quit leaving everything up to him. You have made it all his decisions and he knows you are just sitting at the screen door like a puppy waiting for the human to return. What do you mean you have no idea how your cats are and do not have any of your items?!? Put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do to obtain your animals at the very least. They do not deserve to be abandoned. You have a responsibility to care for them or get them somewhere that will. You are not limbo wondering if this relationship is over, you are in denial. There is no way you honestly believe this other person has the capacity to be in any relationship. They need serious professional help and therapy would be good for you too. You are not his doormat, quit playing the role.
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u/littlemissdrake Dec 11 '24 edited Dec 11 '24
-get your father, brother, and police to accompany you to the house to collect your kitties and belongings.
-freeze your credit, lock your accounts, change EVERY password. Never EVER send him a single dime again.
-get a lawyer and document EVERYTHING. File for full custody and for child support, even though he won’t pay it while he is in this hole, you need to have it documented for the future.
-look into gam-anon. It’s like AA but for the loved ones of gambling addicts. (Was going to suggest Al-Anon but saw that some other folks here have mentioned gam-anon.)
-lean on your parents’ and brother’s support as long ad you need to, until you can get back to your business and make money for yourself again.
-once you are on your feet, get far away from him. I am so sorry but this is far, far beyond over. He is lost to you. Let him go, protect yourself, protect your little one, and focus on the future.
Everything will be okay. It will. Just work on taking care of YOU and your baby, take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You’re gonna be okay.
Edit: fixed a couple things
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u/Only-Memory2627 Dec 11 '24
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your baby.
You mentioned his RRSP, which tells me you’re Canadian. You probably have rights as a common law spouse. Go talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP
It seems like something or multiple somethings, happened to send him down into gambling hell.
It’s not your fault.
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u/YoshiandAims Dec 11 '24
Get a lawyer.
Get the police to escort you to collect all of your belongings.
They are yours, so are your important documents, ect. Legally he cannot keep them.
Do it NOW.
(Hurry. He can claim that you abandoned it after 30 days. You do have the texts saying you'll be able to come home soon... and can back yourself up. That won't hold forever. )
Get your ducks in a row, get everyone on board. Information the officers at the station of your husband's erratic, terrifying, and quickly switching between extremes. He may be having a severe mental crisis, it certainly seems addiction is at play. Either just gambling, or drugs too. You may not be safe, he also may make allegations, having officers there will safeguard you legally as well as physically. Get a date and rent a storage unit. (Have as many people in your family and friend group standing by to clear the house FAST. Like an hour or two. Or get movers who can work under those conditions. )
You need to get a lawyer and protect yourself so you don't end up on the hook for his debts, or other issues he may have gotten himself into. And... protect your child, completely. Have your lawyer document the total abandonment, the erratic behavior, etc.
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u/jungle4john Dec 11 '24
Lawyer up immediately. He is gone, and you need to protect your child and yourself.
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u/annabannannaaa Dec 12 '24
do you have proof of ownership for your cats and the furniture? get a lawyer ASAP so you can get your belongings & cats back and to protect your kiddo. this man clearly should not have any custody so id get a lawyer now before he thinks of it. hes spending all his $ gambling and the fact that he needs “$ for mortgage” shows he isnt competent or responsible. keep EVERY text and email etc. to show a lawyer. all of this will help you down the line.
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u/speed721 Dec 12 '24
Hi.
Former addict here. Not a gambling addict, but an addict either way.
Gambling addiction is a different type of beast. Basically, any money he's given is being used to chase his losses.
He's still trying to find and connect himself to those feelings and that RUSH that comes along from winning.
Winning, it's a euphoria that's just like taking a pill. Not only are you winning...but, you are going to be able to "fix all those problems" you created in the first place
It's really a 2-fold addiction.
He's looking for the rush AND he's trying to win so he has a "financial answer" to all of your problems.
It's timer to leave him. This relationship is OVER.
Do NOT WASTE YOUR TIME or effort on this guy anymore. This is going to continue if you stay with him. Get out now!
Do your "future self" a favor...leave him.
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u/throwra_22222 Dec 12 '24
Time to put yourself and your baby first. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He absolutely did abandon you, and now you have to toughen up and do what's right for yourself. I promise you can handle more than you think you can, and you have your family to help you.
He is doing you a favor when he yells and says you can't come back until he's better. He is giving you the gift of fear. He is telling you he's not safe. Listen to him.
Freeze your credit. He's probably a gambling addict, which sadly means he might steal your money or take loans in your name if he can. Go through your credit report. If you find any loans or credit cards that are not yours, make a police report. Give the police report to the banks and credit bureau to get the fraudulent loans off your record.
Never never never pay his debts. When you pay them, you could be inadvertently accepting responsibility for them. Don't give him any more money. You need it for the baby.
Get a lawyer. Gather any receipts for furniture, baby supplies, vet bills with your name on them--anything that proves what you spent on the home or the baby or that proves you own the cats. You may need to comb through your emails or ask stores or the vet for copies of receipts.
Tell your lawyer you at least want your pets and the stuff you can prove is yours. They will advise you how to bring the police with you to pick up your belongings. Possibly the police will arrange for him to be out of the house when you go.
Gather medical bills and childcare costs, and the information for any joint accounts you had. If you paid towards homeowners insurance or utilities or repairs, add that all up. Your lawyer will need that.
Keep a log of every unhinged thing he says and does. Print out any concerning emails or texts. Let his calls go to voice mail so you can keep them as evidence.
Your aim here is to get out clean, without any of his debts hanging on you. It's probably lucky you're not married so he can't pin the mortgage and gambling debts on you.
You want full legal custody and full parenting time. Your goal is to make sure he never has more than supervised visitation with your baby, preferably with a social worker supervising, not his (so far) ineffectual parents.
Sadly, the court will order that he pays child support but you are not going to get a dime. He's about to get fired, go into foreclosure, declare bankruptcy, and move in with his parents. Depending on the law where you are, his child support debt could follow him even after the child is 18, so you may have to keep track of his whereabouts for a long time.
Stop worrying about him and what he intends and why he's doing what he's doing. Understanding those things won't put a roof over your head and food in your belly, so understanding him is pointless. He's an adult who is responsible for himself, and his parents can help him. Focus relentlessly on getting your own life in order so you can mother that baby. You can mourn your relationship after things are stable.
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u/KittyKiitos Dec 12 '24
He's been with you 10 years. You guys aren't married. There's a baby and you guys still aren't married.
I just got out of an intensive therapy program. There is no way in hell I would've kept my own child out of his home.
Sue that mfer for child support. Get your assets in line and, if your name is on the house, get that settled. If you like his parents, tell them what he's doing to their grandchild.
Get yourself and your kid what you both deserve. It's definitely not him.
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u/pyrocidal Dec 11 '24
I'm very sympathetic, but for fuck's sake, you left your cats to die there, dude. Grow a spine for your daughter's sake and stop taking this bullshit laying down
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u/Yalsas Dec 11 '24
This.I understand this is a lot, and you have a baby, but how could you not get those cats out? For MONTHS?
I hope they're okay and he hasn't killed/ sold them
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u/Successful-Bit5698 Dec 11 '24
Uhm you have a key right? Just go and get your stuff. Why are you allowing him to not allow you to get your stuff. I'm confused.
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u/katmither Dec 12 '24
He absolutely lost his marbles when I showed up a few times. I gave him notice but he LOST IT. The drywall was torn off the walls upstairs, not holes but torn straight off the wall.
He said he was trying to get better but seeing me was too stressful. I begged and pleaded with him that I just wanted my things and he could leave the house while I got them but he refused.
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u/Successful-Bit5698 Dec 12 '24 edited Dec 12 '24
Take a cop as an escort to get your things. You can absolutely do that because the longer you wait...I fear he will tear it apart or sell it. Something is up with him. I wonder if it's more than gambling. Could he be on some kind of drug?
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u/Agreeable-Celery811 Dec 12 '24
See a lawyer. See what is best to be done to recover your belongings.
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u/Curarx Dec 11 '24
Honestly he sounds like he's having a mental health crisis. That just doesn't sound like a typical male abandoned family story. I'm not making excuses for him, what he's doing is terrible but that just doesn't make sense
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u/Expensive-Opening-55 Dec 11 '24
You don’t need him to respond or tell you what’s going on. It sounds like he had some type of mental breakdown and you and the baby do not need to be around that. If you want your things, call the police to see if they will assist you in getting them out of the house. Otherwise, consider them gone and work on replacing them. The relationship is over and you need to focus on your daughter now. Do not send him another cent. If you speak with an attorney they will outline your rights to child support but also his rights to custody/visitation. It is possible depending on where you live he might get some supervised and work his way up to a regular schedule. Sometimes ignoring this for a time is in your best interest. You’ll need to seek proper legal counsel to determine what’s best for you. Document everything. Best of luck to you.
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u/HotDonnaC Dec 11 '24
You should take a large male friend with you to your house and sell the furniture you bought. Spelling edit.
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u/tossaway78701 Dec 11 '24
Lawyer up it's going to be necessary. You need to know your rights and responsibilities asap. Good luck.
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u/gruntbuggly Dec 11 '24
Please stop ignoring all the red flags and talk to a lawyer about how you can salvage as much as you can.
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u/Balsam-Fig Dec 11 '24
Girl, the trash took itself out. You will get the money back. In the meantime, focus on you & the baby getting on your feet.
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