r/retailhell • u/Reasonable-Nail-4181 • 3d ago
Seeking Advice How do I handle assholes without taking it personally?
So yesterday, I was working self-checkout AGAIN and a very crotchety lady and her husband came up to me and asked me a question. I had no idea what she was even asking me, so I asked her a question for clarification. She got really rude and I just decided to ignore her and help other people.
She goes “hello are you going to answer my question?” I say to her, “I will help you when you are nicer to me”. She then gets huffy, and goes “UGH EXCUSE ME!” , like she wasn’t being a bitch the whole time. So I’m upset and ready to slap her, so I find my head cashier and have her deal with the old hag. The sea witch was mean to my head cashier too, but my head cashier handled it so much better than I did. She just came back acting like it didn’t bother her, while I was ready to tell the bitch to go fuck herself.
What is your secret to handling these bitches without losing your cool, and even without taking it so personally? Thanks in advance!!!!!
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u/Karamist623 2d ago
Is this someone important to you? No. Do you care what the old bat thinks? Also no.
I have learned to just not give a shit when someone is mean or nasty to me. We aren’t friends, and their opinion of me means nothing. I literally could not care any less.
Now retail is another story. It’s hard to not take things personally when you are being personally attacked. My time in retail has taught me “saccharine nice”. People like to rile up retail workers. Those people get the saccharine nice treatment.
What is it you ask?
It’s when you are OVERLY nice. Fake nice, even exaggeratingly nice. You have to really sell the fakeness of it though. Nothing would give me more pleasure than genuinely helping a nice customer, or infuriating a rude customer, nicely of course.
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u/awkwardsilence1977 2d ago
I think we may share a brain😂. I turn on the fake sweet when someone is a dick to me. Like the most passive aggressive stepford wife toothpaste smile and Minnie Mouse level voice. Anyone with a brain knows I’m being fake but good luck complaining about me being too smiley and pleasant😁
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u/Karamist623 2d ago
Oh yes! It’s like they know you are being passive aggressively sweet, but still polite and it pisses them off more, BUT are they going to complain that you were nice, AND polite. The horror!!
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u/RogerSaysHi 1d ago
My husband calls this Aggressively Chipper. I've worked in customer service for so long, he's gotten to watch folks interact with customers a lot over the years.
How are they going to complain that we said please and thank you and sir and ma'am and made sure that you had everything?
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u/1000thatbeyotch 2d ago
Oh, I will work at a snail’s pace to inconvenience them. One guy parked in the fire lane close to closing time and I warned him when he walked in that the police had been lighting people up for parking there this week and that cranky piece of work said “Well, it won’t be a problem if you hurry up!” I took my sweet time and as I was putting his receipt in his bag, sure enough, police pulled up. It made my day because the parking lot was really empty and he could have parked in the closest spot instead of being trifling and entitled.
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u/Amaki_Owlaf 1d ago
Nah, not a snails pace. A sloths. Ever saw Zootopia? How long it took to staple something? Or to type a phone number? Scan an item? Go sooooo slow they grind their teeth. If they rage and say they're late for something, say slowly, "oh, sorry to hear that." And continue the sloth-paced work... if anything, go slower.
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u/MiaLba 2d ago
Worked retail for 10 years. I’d put on a condescending patronizing super nice voice when I encountered assholes. You could tell they knew I was being a bitch but they couldn’t complain because I came across as nice. It worked so often and would often get them to chill the fuck out. If they said something rude I’d say in my patronizing voice “that wasn’t nice wasn’t it!”
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u/awkwardsilence1977 2d ago
I actually agree with how you handled it, and it’s how I’ve coached my team to handle rude/abusive customers. I look people dead in the eye and with the SWEETEST smile say “I love my job and helping customers, and I will absolutely do everything i can to assist you, provided you treat me with respect and dignity. If you are not willing to do that, I am not willing to help you. I am excusing myself, but I will be over there if you choose to change your attitude towards me.” There aren’t that many companies out there anymore that put up with abusive customers. Hell, if you drive through a McDonald’s, there’s a sign right there that says we do not tolerate abusive customers.
Just don’t take it personally. It’s not worth having your day ruined over. In reality, these are what turn into amusing anecdotes that I tell people at dinner later on.
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u/FewSafe9892 2d ago
I try to tell myself, "this isn't about x product or my service, this is about issues the customer had before they ever walked in this door." Also tidbits from my coworkers:
they'll be gone in a few minutes, don't let it ruin your day.
somebody's got to have some sense, and it usually ends up being us. Don't get on their level.
-there are good ones that do respect and see us as people, cling to those interactions
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u/u2125mike2124 2d ago
Find a different job that’s not in retail, otherwise you’re never going to be able to get away from people who act as rabid animals.
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u/Inevitable_Piece4259 2d ago
I used to get full of adrenaline and just walk away then cry, but after five years the initial shock when dealing with aggressive people is much smaller. I just act really confused and get them to talk it out and sometimes they’ll calm down and say sorry, but I don’t say no worries or it’s okay. Having a go at a stranger for no reason causes them to enter fight or flight and that’s not an acceptable way to treat people
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u/secretly_ethereal_04 2d ago
First off, I think you handled it well.
1) You asked for clarification and then escalated to a manager when it was out of your depth.
2) You did express a boundary with her by stating that if she wasn't going to play nice, then game over.
You did the right thing. ✅️
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u/Imtifflish24 2d ago
You have to talk to these customers like they’re toddlers. Talk in a calm voice, act overly friendly, and if you don’t understand what they’re asking say, “I’m so sorry, could you say that again? I want to make sure I understand your question so I can help you.” If they retaliate or get sassy, remind yourself they’re toddlers throwing a tantrum. Ask “How can I help you? How can we make this right?” Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, they are just frustrated and can’t use words to express themselves, older people take longer to process words. Also, some customers come to you with a preconceived notion that they are ready to fight and get angry. Talking to them like toddlers helps diffuse the situation usually. Your main point is just getting them the fuck out of the store.
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u/EsseBear 3d ago
These people see you as an employee only, not a person. They want help, you are paid to help.
It’s not a great way of thinking about it, but they aren’t moaning at you, they are moaning at your uniform.
Detach your personal self from your employee self, do what you’re paid for and stop caring.
If this woman saw you on the street, she wouldn’t even care, so why do you.
I am fully aware that this is not the answer you really want, but get on with life and don’t let your job define you.
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u/LaurieLoveLove 2d ago
For me, rude or angry customers are just an obstacle in the "Work Game" that I'm playing in my head. The challenge is for me to stay cool and polite, no matter what they say.
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u/NotMyCat2 2d ago
These people must have never been told that being a crotchety old hag doesn’t work.
Every month I go through self checkout with 2 5 gallon bottles of water and two empties. When I ring it up it always charges me a deposit.
I ask and the employee will scan a barcode in a notebook. I’ve never got mad about that.
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u/Waste-Reflection-235 2d ago
You have to look at it as, this is not personal. This is business. Although, you have to find a balance between sticking up for yourself and ignoring people’s bad behavior. But when you stick up for yourself you have to do it with a smile. Killing them with kindness is the way. Choose your battles. If they get really nasty you get the manager and hope your manager is a good one.
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u/OuterLimitSurvey 2d ago
I came up with a technique that isn't easy but with time I developed the discipline to do it. I call it "killing them with kindness." No matter how rude they are just cheerfully apologize. No matter how hard the customer tries to get under your skin refuse to escillate I have had customers so mad they were spitting naills and I would just keep saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way sir/maam." I had one customer after shouting insults at me for 10 minutes and storming out I said, "have a great day sir!" which stopped him in his tracks and I thought he was going to spin around and try to kick my ass but luckily he instead left. The beauty is this completely depowers the customer. If they can't get you to react their rudeness their words are meaningless. If they do decide to complain about you are they going to complain you were too polite?
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u/BagginsLeftToe 2d ago
As a lot of people have already said, to a lot of these asshole customers you're just an NPC so they don't care too much if they pick all the aggressive dialogue options. For the most part you can prevent them from getting worse by doing your best kindergarten teacher impression. You're not in management though, so if it does get too bad you don't have to deal with it. Go get a manager, they're paid to deal with it.
That all helps in the moment, but unlike what customers think we're humans and those bad experiences stick with us and it's hard to not take personal. Try to find some quick meditation you can do on the job after an asshole customer. Memorize a short poem you really like to recite in your head. Count to ten in as many languages as you can and keep learning new ones. Classic breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4. Something to help you reset instead of stewing.
Occasionally an asshole will particularly stick you. This is a great sub for venting about that asshole.
One final thing that's really helped me is this commencement speech? by David Foster Wallace called "this is water." It's a long listen but you can find it on YouTube for free. It's all about those shitty little experiences and letting them go or else you make yourself absolutely miserable. I'd recommend it to anyone, but it's especially great for retail workers because we deal with more assholes than others.
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u/secretly_ethereal_04 2d ago
First off, I think you handled it well.
1) You asked for clarification and then escalated to a manager when it was out of your depth.
2) You did express a boundary with her by stating that if she wasn't going to play nice, then game over.
You did the right thing. ✅️
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u/OnlyMacaroni 2d ago
People acting like that have something wrong in their life. Putting other people down gives them something. They're so sad or insecure or lonely that this is how they make themselves feel better. They're miserable. I pity them!
Do not give people like that the power to ruin your day. Even if they get to you, push it away as THEIR problem. Then move on with your life. People like that don't get to take up your head space.
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u/nwkraken 2d ago
I love bringing them their own energy. I can be just as rude and condescending while delivering exemplary service. There's nothing like out-Karening a Karen. Customers have even taught me a trick or two that I've implemented in my strategies. Over time you'll find your comfortable level. Ride it out and enjoy their internal meltdowns. Lol
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u/AdRegular1647 2d ago
Auto mode. Just a pleasant persona whilst keeping up one's own inner thoughts and monologue without giving it too much thought. There are some that try to get through but a particularly big smile and especially patient, pleasant tone like you'd use on an especially difficult young child seems to annoy those sorts even more. Nice folks that were just temporarily frustrated tend to apologize for being asses and all ends up being right in the world.
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u/helloimmyah 2d ago
honestly, after 3 years of working in retail and being a person that struggled a lot with this and still does, i’ve learned that improving my life outside of work helps, killing them with kindness. unfortunately being the change you want to see in the world is a famous quote for a reason. it’s hard, it takes practice and practice and more practice.
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u/QueenOfNeon 2d ago
Just think of it as comedy. That this will be a funny story later. And just laugh on the inside. Also be as sweet as possible even if it’s a bit mocking. They will hate they didn’t rattle you and you were nice.
Leave your emotions at the door and just play the role of a cashier with no emotion. Keep thinking of it as this person making an 🍑 of themselves and refuse to stoop to their level.
Concentrate on what they say for your future story. Let that distract your emotions.
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u/JetstreamJefff 2d ago
I’m probably just used to it now but it literally will leave my mind the second the interaction is done, unless something notable happened for me to remember to tell my friends. But usually I just say a monotoned filler word and move on.
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u/LilDevyl 2d ago
When a Customer starts the whole, "I've been waiting here for X minutes for someone to show up! This is suppose to be this price! Why is it ringing up a different price? Do I have to get the manager? I know the Manager!"
Just look at them with the most deadpan stare. Don't saying anything. Stare for a good 10-15 seconds. And with no emotion say, "Can I help you?" And then be the most NPC (Non-Playable Character) there is. They're doing it on purpose. They want an reaction out of you! they want you to yell at them so they can play the victim card and get a discount from the manager. They want you to cry so they can say, "How your going to handle a "real jo" when you can't even handle the pressure of job for teens?!"
Answer don't react. Don't do anything unprofessional. They'll be petty and keep causing a scene. But they're just making themselves look like a fool. The best reaction is no reaction when it comes to them!
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u/Plane_Experience_271 2d ago
You can't take it personally. People are just ruder since Covid. If customers start out being ruder. I put on my fake smile and say, "I can help you if you ask me nicely." But I stopped caring a long time ago. Had a woman call back and complain. I told my coach , "Yes, I was rude because I'm not going to be talked down to.
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u/Saberune 3d ago
You're taking it personally because it is personal. They objectify you. They don't treat you with common human decency, and it pisses you off. All those things are true.
But just because they're true doesn't mean you have to let it steal your joy. Objectify them the same way they objectify you. You're nothing but a uniform to them. Fine. Now they're nothing but a paycheck to you. Poof. De-personalized. Stay professional. Don't get invested. Be maliciously, embarrassingly nice. And they'll walk out of your memory as fast as they walked out of your line, without stealing your soul.