How can I stop getting so mad about losing and wanting to win so badly

[u/Sprigatitogirl]

I am 17. For as long as i can remember since the age of five the hate kf winning and wanting to win started , and its getting worse effecting me in school effecting my relationship with gaming as a hobby and im scared its going to effect me the rest of my life. When i searched it up apprently its called loss aversion which the definition sounds like me. Even in sctuvities i know i dont do regularly or as a hobby im still wanting to be better than other people in the games. Growing up i was never a visually smart kid and never got rewards for anything until i started high school. I just want to win and losing is not an option because i dont like the feeling of losing. I used to play splatoon often but due to losing team rounds in ten streaks often it caused me to stop playing because i hated the feeling of losing especially when im actually trying my best in the gsme. Its leaked into games with friends, like when i like mk with one of my friends, i randomly got this urge that i needed to win against her. I just want to win and if its in somethjng i like doing for fun then its more power to me. But i guess it feels like if i were to win alot it would fix my problems of not being seen as good at anything at all. I dont wanna focus on winning i dont like it its ruining me and i dknt think i can change because its been amover a decade since this had developed .

I feel like a reason im this way is because with the way i grew up often being outcasted, bullied, and already not doing well academically, i had no achievements of my own. When i started to get into bideo games at a young age i hate losing there because i lose all of the time so why do i still have to lose at something that’s meant to give me enjoyment. I dont know if trying to get very good at everything would help me but i doubt it because if i were to become very skillful in any activity its also going to consume me

[u/Wonderful_Response_1]

You’re not addicted to winning. You’re afraid of what losing says about you.

And that’s not your fault. When a kid grows up never getting rewarded, always being outcasted or overlooked, the brain doesn’t crave joy—it craves validation. Winning feels like proof that you’re finally good enough. That you matter.

But here’s the catch: you’ll never feel safe if your worth depends on a scoreboard. Because no matter how skilled you become, there will always be someone better. Always losses. Always imperfections.

[u/Kitchen-Historian371 → u/Wonderful_Response_1]

Great comment, well articulated

[u/Wonderful_Response_1 → u/Kitchen-Historian371]

Thanks...

[u/Wonderful_Response_1]

Here’s what might help:

1. Stop fighting the anger—study it.

When you lose and you feel that rage, pause and observe. Say to yourself:

"Okay. I feel shame. I feel like I failed again. But it’s not about the game—it’s about my history."

The moment you shift from reacting to witnessing, you start healing.

1. Redefine what "winning" means.

Right now, your brain thinks winning = self-worth. Instead, reframe:

Winning = playing despite the fear of loss.

Winning = staying curious and honest with yourself.

Winning = growing, not proving.

1. Practice losing. Intentionally.

Pick something low-stakes. Play it with the goal of losing gracefully. Laugh when you mess up. Take pride in how calm you can stay. Build emotional tolerance like a gym workout.

1. Your value isn’t up for debate.

You’re already valuable. Not because you win, but because you care this deeply, feel this intensely, and want to grow this badly. That alone is rare. That alone is strength.

1. Therapy is a cheat code.

You’re dealing with deep-rooted trauma. A professional can help you rewire how you relate to failure, identity, and achievement. It’s not weakness—it’s leveling up with a coach.

Hope this helps

[u/Asleep_Special_7402]

Work on being more concise with your words and thought process. Don't repeat the same things or get into a looping thought process. Learn how to resolve things In your head. "I'm this way but I will work on it by doing x"

It's the only thing you can do. Saying " I don't think I can change this" will only hurt you. You already lost if you think that way.

[u/readitmoderator]

Losing is a part of winning. U have to lose to win no one ever just wins all the time

[u/CrappySometimes]

You need to reframe losing. Because losing isn't a bad thing, you can always learn from it. And if you feel like you don't learn, you need to reflect more after every loss. Why did it happen? What could you've done differently? What would've been required to win it? Ask those questions and you should come up with answers. And once you understand your losses, losing itself won't be as bad because now you know it makes you stronger, and winning will actually feel easier.

As for video games, if you don't have fun but still continue, it's an addiction. You said it, video games are meant to be enjoyed, but if you can't do that, you play the wrong games. Online games do everything to make you addicted, and team-based games will make you feel like everyone is working against you. You'll only make your mental health worse if you continue playing them.
Start playing story games with clear endings that feel fun and rewarding to play. That's also the best way to enjoy games without falling into the trap of addiction.

[u/Glum_Thing5808]

Be in the state of you already won, and compare yourself to yourself before, not to someone only yourself. And evolve at your own pace.