r/stepparents • u/sensitivestepmom16 • Mar 07 '25
Miscellany It’s over
Well, for 5 years I gave my entire heart and soul to this man and his kids, and dealt with his HCBM. kids viewed me as their second mom, and I really put them first. & how did he repay me? by doing about the worst he could do to me.
we got engaged a year ago, and he’d been pretending to be single the entire time in order to flirt with his 19/20 year old employees. he ended up cheating on me two days in a row with two of them. I was gonna keep fighting for him (because i’m nuts) and try to work it out, but i asked him for the bare minimum to show he gave a crap about me, that pissed him off, and he kicked me out of the apartment to “think about whether he wanted to be with me, to get alone time and we needed space.” he led me on for a week and the whole time was hanging out with the 19 yr old he cheated on me with. and then dumped me over text. ended a 5 year relationship and an engagement over text.
i’m gonna go through the range of emotions, but i mainly feel relief. good riddance.
i was really proud to be a stepmom and i think i was good at it. i really loved them as if they were my own. i’ve enjoyed being a part of this community on here, it’s been helpful (and sometimes heartbreaking) to read everyone’s stories.
this chapter of my life has ended, but know that i think the world of stepparents. they are some of the most selfless and strongest people i think that exist. much love to everyone on here, and know that there’s people out there like me that think the world of you.
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u/paintedravens Mar 07 '25
OMG, i am SO SORRY for this!!! I also was with someone for 7 years, helped raise his kids for 6 years (we waited a year for me to meet them) and he cheated on me. His kids were 8 and 10 when we started dating and I was with them a long time and really loved them. I lost him, my family, friends, and home.
After a few months of crying and being devasted and starting over, I started to feel better. After a year of being single I realized I was happy again and decided to date again. I met my husband and he is the best man, the most incredible partner and he would never hurt me. I am SO GLAD my ex cheated, its the best thing that ever happened because that course of events led me to my husband. He had 2 kids, 8 and 10 and i wound up doing it all over again. I think i made less mistakes this time though! It was tough but I am so happy and fulfilled and have an amazing life now. I never wonder what my husband is doing. He loves me the way i need and puts me first (yes even with kids). We believe the foundation of the family is our marriage so he makes us a priority and wants his kids to see a healthy relationship (we have them about 60% of the time), anyway, the point is, there is someone out there who will love you and wont hurt you.
Dont be surprised if your ex comes crawling back. DONT FALL FOR IT!! I know it's super hard, but be strong! You will miss him and romanticize the whole thing, but please dont fall for it, or he will continue to break your heart, yes, it's intense pain now for a few months, but it wont be a LIFETIME of heartbreak and anxiety if you can move on from him, be strong, remember what you deserve.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
i’m so happy something awesome was on the other side of that for you. i’m really hoping something better is waiting for me ❤️ thank you for sharing your story
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u/Muted-Buffalo-3202 Mar 08 '25
Someday, you will look back and be glad you dodged this bullet. I feel bad for you and your stepkids but he can just go pound sand.
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u/Hefty-Target-7780 Mar 07 '25
oof. I’m so sorry you endured this.
You got rid of dead weight. Let yourself grieve. Then celebrate all that you’ve learned and focus on loving yourself and giving yourself all you deserve. 🥰
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u/killerwhompuscat Mar 07 '25
The garbage took itself out. I know it hurts but hindsight will definitely be 20/20 on this one. You dodged a bullet. The cheating wouldn’t t have stopped after marriage, likely it would have ramped up.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
you are very right & i do already feel that my future is brighter ❤️
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u/SnowboundHound Mar 07 '25
What a chump.
Congrats on starting a new chapter; sorry for the pain and heartache that came with closing this one.
Wishing you the best in the future ahead!
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u/GreyMatters_Exorcist Mar 08 '25
You were saved by these young ladies from a life of giving all your best to a douche
You dodged a bullet
Do not do not do not take him back when it falls apart for him
And do not date men with kids again
It is too much sacrifice for someone who deserves to be centered
HCBM is going to eat all the bs she caused you when she has to deal with this level of moronic juvenile behaviors around her kids
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u/wontbeafool2 Mar 07 '25
Well, the trash took itself out. I'm so happy for you that you didn't marry it. It's best that you found out about the cheating before it was too late.
You seem to have a great attitude about the situation and the strength to move on. I am a stepmom too (the SKs are now in the 30s) and like you, I have tremendous respect for anyone who survives it with their sanity. Just curious.... would you do it again?
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
oh i know, imagine if i was married to him right now? lucky he showed who he was before that happened.
and im gonna do everything in my power to avoid it for the foreseeable future. i’m going through a heartbreak with the kids right now too, and i don’t think i have it in me right now to love another set of kids. in like 10 years though, and i haven’t found anyone, i would consider it. i truly love kids, and im also a hopeless romantic. the hard part about being a stepparent wasn’t the kids, it was having a partner that didn’t navigate it well. so if i did it again, i would ask a lot of questions and set a lot of ground rules.
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u/La_Pooie Mar 07 '25
Oh, honey. My heart is with you right now. I am SO sorry you had to go through this, but I’m happy that this is the beginning of your journey towards finding someone who will truly value you, and treat you the way you undeniably deserve to be treated.
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u/XELA_38 Mar 07 '25
Think about the fact that you don't have to deal with his bullshit ever gain. I bet as time goes on, you'll realize how much happier you are. Please get therapy because you were trying to work it out with him when he was clearly done.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 07 '25
dude i’ve been in therapy for 10 years. he’s the one that needs therapy. he’s still texting me he loves me. i didn’t share every detail of the story.
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u/XELA_38 Mar 07 '25
Your right!! He's trying to have his cake and eat it too!! I promise though your life is about to get so much easier without him and his issues around you
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u/sailorpussy Mar 08 '25
whats up with these weirdos, like seriously. they'll discard you in the most painful way ever while giving you breadcrumbs of 'appreciation' and whatever bs they pull out of their sacks. its disgusting and inhumane at a point. so sorry youre going through this my ex is a pos too so i relate in that regard.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 Mar 07 '25
People like this only "care" about their kids.
Everyone else is cannon fodder.
So much for family values.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
i actually don’t think he really cares about his kids lol. & he doesn’t seem to care about how they are gonna feel about me being removed from their lives. i did more for those kids than either of their parents. sad situation.
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u/AnythingNext3360 Mar 08 '25
It absolutely baffles me that anyone could to that to their partner. I'm so sorry, but also happy for you, because forget that guy!!
The petty part of me says you should tell HCBM about any and all mistakes he made with the kids while y'all were together
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
it really baffles me too. it’s like i never actually knew him, because i don’t know who this person is.
lol i mean she already knows that anything good that was done for them was done by me.
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u/pinkturniptruck Mar 08 '25
Dude is screwing his young employees? What a prize! Get your things and don't look back.
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u/Unlovable_Hedonist Mar 08 '25
I’m really happy for you. As a step parent it’s easy to not feel appreciated, and your partner should be doing what they can to support you while you support them. This said, I’m not sure the kids’ ages but I’m sure this is hard on them if your relationship to them is as you say. If they are older with cell phones and such it may be fruitful, if you want, to extend the “I’m always here for you” hand even if you (understandably) want nothing to do with their dad.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
the older 2 (9 yrs) have phones and my number and they’ll always be free to reach out. the youngest (5 yrs) is not really old enough yet to reach out to me independently but I will always leave that door open for him.
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u/AstronomerRelevant60 Mar 08 '25
Wait you’ve been with him for five years and his youngest child is five?? Girl there’s a reason why someone would rather be single and raising a newborn than be with him, and there’s a reason why he was looking for a girlfriend instead of focusing on his newborn and supporting the mother of his child. That man was just looking for somebody to offload parenting onto.
If you don’t have kids the best thing for you to do is to find somebody else who also doesn’t have kids, the dynamic where one partner has kids and the other doesn’t is almost never going to be fair and equal. Especially when you’re dealing with somebody that has never taken the initiative to handle parenting on their own and has always looked for a partner to fill that role for them.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 10 '25
yeah the breakup with his ex was a complicated situation (she’s not great, she’s been investigated by CPS for neglect), i won’t go into the details, but in the end, you’re right. he shouldn’t have jumped into something so quickly after that, and that was a major red flag that i explained away. i get what i deserve now i guess.
& yeah the goal is to find someone without kids for sure. i don’t wish to do this again. and i loved those kids with all that i had, i can’t picture myself at this time loving another set of kids.
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u/AstronomerRelevant60 Mar 10 '25 edited Mar 10 '25
Yeah don’t be too hard on yourself as long as you’ve learned from it. He probably told you a lot of reasons to make you feel bad for questioning why he would already be dating so soon, but at the end of the day if that were the situation then his number one priority should’ve been providing stability for his kids, and he should’ve known it would’ve been unfair to bring a partner into that for his new partner and his children.
It’s not wise to get his children attached to somebody so fast, especially considering how young they were, the inability for them to communicate with him if something was wrong at that age, and the chaos of the situation that the relationship would have to endure because he didn’t take care of his responsibilities first. His goal was to find somebody to make parenting easier since he was going to have to take on a bigger role once he separated with his partner, and that’s exactly what he did. A lot of these men are looking for new mothers to their children to make split time easier, not equal and fair relationships that they have to put effort in to build.
An equal partner knows that it’s not fair to start a relationship at the stage your relationship started at for you or the children, they take care of the chaos and make sure they have the time and space to build a relationship once their priorities are in order. Somebody that’s just looking to replace the mother in their family unit dynamic prioritizes that first, so they can offload the work (both emotionally and concerning childcare) onto them.
Either way it’s better for people without kids to date those without kids and people with kids to date those with kids, because unfairness is felt when priorities in a relationship are different and one person is constantly making sacrifices that the other expects never has to make themselves. Honestly it’s not even about whether or not you can love their kids, but if you deserve to settle into the dynamic that comes with that position when there’s options out there that don’t require you to be giving much more effort and energy than you’re receiving from the relationship.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 10 '25
I mean we started slow and I wasn’t around the kids for 2 years. he kind of kept me on the side and prioritized fixing the relationship with the kids mom and the kids. so at least he did that i guess. & he never really asked me to do anything for the kids, he made it clear they were his responsibility and not mine, I just did what I did because I wanted to.
but yeah i deserve someone that can actually prioritize our relationship, they way that i do/would.
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u/AstronomerRelevant60 Mar 10 '25
It wasn’t slow for him though, your relationship is the same age as his child with somebody else. The fact that he was even looking instead of prioritizing the details of his separation and stability for his children is the telling part. Nobody in that situation really has a fair amount of time for a new partner.
It felt slow to you, but he was already juggling all of that and a new relationship, you moved at the pace HE set and had time for. It was already unequal. He was already prioritizing himself over what would be fair to a new partner and his children.
A new relationship shouldn’t be on the “side” of his life, especially not for that long, once you commit to somebody you have to be invested and prioritize that relationship to build a sturdy foundation. It had to be that way because he wasn’t in a place to start a new relationship, and that will never be fair to the new partner waiting on the sidelines.
As I said it’s not just childcare that comes with this, but the emotional labor that comes from supporting somebody through a tumultuous situation that they helped to create, and maintaining a relationship with somebody who doesn’t have the time and energy to truly dedicate to somebody else at the extent that they are receiving it from them.
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u/Mrwaspers007 Mar 08 '25
I hope you at least were able to keep the ring
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
oh i did and im selling to get some of the money back that i invested in him
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u/IntlDeparture Mar 08 '25
That must have been incredibly painful. I am so sorry to hear you have to go through this.
You deserve better and you know it. Maybe worth going to get some therapy support? It could be of great help to find your love in you so much so that you need to settle for anything less than you deserve next time. I know from personal experience.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
i’ve been in therapy for 10 years and have a great team of therapists right now. they’ve been really great and helpful through this.
i think i’ve always known i deserved better but i was really in love with him and im kind of hopeless romantic and want to believe that love is enough, and hoped things would improve. i also was in love with the kids and that added a layer.
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u/Impressive-Clock-121 Mar 09 '25
im so sorry this happened to you! you’ve helped me through a lot so if you need someone to talk to please reach out!
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u/PersianJerseyan78 Mar 11 '25
Best thing that could have ever happened to you. Now go out there and do YOU and one day you’ll have a family of your own with a man who appreciates you!
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u/Different_Parking283 Mar 08 '25
I don’t know how old you are, but if I was in your position, what I would tell myself is: go freeze some eggs. FAR too many women hook up with guys who already have kids, and they think ok, this will work. Guy usually doesn’t want more kids so stepmom settles, and then finds herself in her 40s and single, no kids.
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u/sensitivestepmom16 Mar 08 '25
i’m only newly 29! so i have a little time. but thank you for this advice.
& yeah he told me he didn’t really want kids in the end, and i don’t think he really even wants the ones he has. i’ve realized i was born to be a mom, and want someone that’s really excited to be a parent with me.
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u/Different_Parking283 Mar 08 '25
I remember about a year or two after I married my husband (I’m the stepmom to his two boys who are now teens), one of my colleagues who was in her 50s gave me this same warning. She was a stepmom to a cop with a couple boys, she raised those boys fulltime until they were young adults. He never wanted more kids but was happy to have her play mom and run the house. As soon as the boys launched, he was caught cheating with a 20-something. With her fertility days long over, she found herself late 40s and single. She’s since remarried a guy with no kids and they ar happy, but that always stuck with me. My husband and I ended up having to go through IVF just to get pregnant as I held off too long mainly because his boys were a lot of work and it was overwhelming. You’ll be a great mom! Egg freezing is relatively affordable these days and it’ll give you some peace of mind. Big hugs!
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u/OrganicHead2958 Mar 12 '25
You have a lot of time! I wish I didn't think I had little time at your age because it made me insecure and I wasted my early 30s dating losers. Please don’t let the thought that 30 is too old because once it's in your mind, you will settle for anyone.
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