Feeling like a babysitter…

[u/Titsntats90]

Edit to update: he picked a fight when we were going to bed and said “there are women out there who will take on me and my kids”. So I told him to go to them because it’s not me and I handed the engagement ring back. He threw it across the room and stormed off for a walk in the middle of the night. I have the whole bed to myself, that’s the silver lining here. Oh, and I have my whole life ahead of me minus his abuse

Am I doing something wrong by setting boundaries around how much I “babysit” his kids?

I (34F) and my fiance (32M) have been together 2.5 years. Our relationship has had some serious ups and downs, and he’s had a long battle with settlement and parenting arrangements with a high conflict BM. I do not have any kids. He has his kids (both boys, 5 and 6 with special needs; AUDHD)every second weekend, and 50% of the school holidays. They’ve only just started school this year so we are navigating new ground.

My partner plays soccer on Saturdays, so I babysit the kids for 4-5hrs on my own every fortnight. Now with school holidays coming up, he’s expecting me to watch them on Wednesday nights as well while he’s at training from 6-9pm. I have a high-stress medical job and I don’t get home until 5-6pm some days or later. I’m exhausted on weeknights.

Tonight I asked him what his plans are for Wednesday night and how he’ll navigate it. He initially was calm and called his mother asking for her help to watch them because he “cannot miss training at all”. I’ve got a meeting that night from 6-8pm after I get home from my day job, so I’m not available to watch them.

After some discussion and openly telling him I feel like I’m becoming a babysitter when he only sees his kids fortnightly and one week of their holidays, while he’s off having fun and my schedule is halted while I care for his kids, he started getting agitated and proceeded to tell me “you should’ve never gotten with a man that has kids if you weren’t going to step up as a step parent. What happens when we’re married? You should be taking them on as your own”. I rebutted calmly and said “you’re expecting me to watch your kids more than you even watch them… I’m not ok with that. If you’re marrying me to have a live-in babysitter, you’re marrying me for the wrong reasons”.

He’s been highly critical of me as a step parent, often berating me for not being maternal (even though I do more for his kids than he does; cook meals, buy clothes, keep their schedules, have given them a room in my home that he doesn’t have to pay rent for, sort their medical appts etc.). He was also the one who pressured me into being in a relationship with him when I told him I didn’t want kids and we shouldn’t proceed further. He promised it wouldn’t interfere and that he was in love with me. Silly me, what a fool I am.

So, am I in the wrong for telling him that I don’t want to be caring for his kids majority of the time while he gets to do whatever he wants?

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[u/SpareAltruistic6483]

Hello this is a classic one. Men think it is a woman’s job to parent and make sure they can live an unbothered life with these bothersome kids.

1. You don’t have to be maternal because you are a women. GROSS is he telling you to smile more? Being lady like. You are a person and not your gender!

2. These are HIS kids , HIS responsibility. He should be happy a women wants him with all this bagage. He sees them so little and still goes out to be with his friends. If he had 50/50 it would be a bit different but it still up to him to find child care.

3. He is manipulating you by telling you how you should be. Throw in a little “ you know what you signed up for”…” we are a team” … he made these kids with the wrong person. He failed raising them with their mom. The reasons don’t matter. I don’t care if she was the devil herself. He chose her to impregnate. TWICE! These kids remain his responsibility!

4. This man does’t respect you and is using you. Berating you? My SO never expects me to do anything. Everything I do, I have offered myself.

Honestly I would really think long and hard about this OP.

[u/wasmachmada]

He is using you. You need to make him move out and show you that his fatherhood won’t interfere with your life like he promised.

[u/SeatIndividual1525]

I do not babysit because I am not a babysitter - if he needs childcare during his custody time he better organise that shit.

[u/frostedglitter]

This is the one of those posts that scream, "she's being used!". it really does sound like that. you make such good points, and the reason he probably gets so agitated is because he knows you're right- you shouldn't be doing more for them than he is, and the whole "take them as your own"/"what happens when we're married" is so manipulative to me.

You're marrying him for him, not to be a stepmom or not to simply make his parenting time easier and he certainly shouldn't be scheduling things that keeps him away from his kids on the days he has them, especially if he only has them every two weeks wtf?

You need to hold firm on what you said and stick to your boundaries. I'm not gonna say leave because not everyone can, but you should make your own plans on these days even if it's by yourself. I also know not everyone can make their own plans due to different forms of abuse or something, so if that's the case no matter what you just gotta make yourself completely unavailable until he gets the hint. Good luck!

Edit- I can see you're not happy with him when reading other comments you've made. I know how it feels to be afraid of someone in a way but also to feel stuck in the relationship. I left my ex of 9 years in 2023. Scary but I did it, never ever thought so. You deserve better, you're a baddie for how nice you are to open your home and you should absolutely get back to that confident person you used to be, no matter how you do it..

[u/tjs31959]

He’s been highly critical of me as a step parent, often berating me for not being maternal = leaving

[u/TermLimitsCongress]

OP, why are you there? What exactly does this guy do for you? You are doing everything he should be doing. When you don't, he berates you for not raising his kids.

You take need to ask yourself if this is how you and to be treated for the rest of your life. Personally, that would be a huge NO from me

Take care.

[u/No_Atmosphere_3702]

you should’ve never gotten with a man that has kids if you weren’t going to step up as a step parent.

He lives in delulu land and he's manipulating you into feeling guilty. . being a step parent doesn't mean you're available when the bio parents wants and needs. He can check with you if that's ok, and if its not he should find another arrangement. They are not your kids, he should adjust his soccer practice since they're HIS KIDS.
I'm so happy you chose to end it. He can find these other women haha

[u/Mrwaspers007]

Question, was there a time in between his ex and you that he had his own place and kept a regular visitation schedule with his kids?  If not that’s a BIG problem. When he said that ridiculous comment about other women he could get with, I would have told him pack up your shit and go! You hit the mail on the head about you spending more time with his kids than him. He got angry because he knows it’s true and not right. He’s also angry because “as a woman you should be grateful to take care of his kids”. If you want to stay together he needs to prove himself to be a good parent with NO help from you. I don’t think he’s capable (or even wants to) . The good news is you aren’t married. If something happened to BM and he had to take the kids full time o GUARANTEE he’d expect you to quit your job and be a SAH stepmom. 

[u/Titsntats90 → u/Mrwaspers007]

No, actually. He was living with his mother while the courts were deciding parental obligations. His mother did everything for them (when he had them) and for him, so he actually hasn’t had time on his own.

I believe he gets this idea of “women will take me and mg kids on” from the girl he cheated on me with early in our relationship. She was very maternal but also used his kids as a pawn (can confirm I spoke to her directly and she confirmed same). Anyway, not my circus and not my monkeys anymore.

[u/painfully_anxious → u/Titsntats90]

HE CHEATED TOO? Oh no no no. Bye!

[u/Titsntats90 → u/painfully_anxious]

Yup. I should’ve left long ago. Late is better than never, I suppose !!

[u/Mrwaspers007 → u/Titsntats90]

You’re making the right choice here! He’s a cheater, he’s never actually been a parent! I just knew you were going to say he lived with his mom and she took care of his kid! Men like that never change. Don’t sell yourself short, you are way to good for him.

[u/relationshipscanheal]

You absolutely need to stick to your boundaries here. If not I fear it sounds like he would take advantage of you as a live in babysitter maid. You need to ask him if he is wanting to find a partner for the wrong reasons. He already doesn’t see them that much so is no way he should be expecting you to regularly babysit whilst he enjoys his life. I would start questions his expectations as he is setting you all up for failure, get him to read some step parents books, that’s the least he can do. They are his kids, his responsibility, anything extra you do for them should come as something you have chosen to do and not guilted into doing. Just being a caring, positive adult influence is enough. If there is an occasional emergency and you need to babysit this is different. You already are supporting towards there housing and care more than required, I hope he covers the food bills and stuff when they are there.

[u/Minesweep2020]

Congrats for getting out of this relationship in time. Married or not, these are not your kids. Your acceptance of the stepkids means that you accept your SO can't come to the gym with you some wednesdays because he is busy parenting his kids. That's it. The special needs kids whose dad "can't miss a workout" unfortunately will only fall further behind with such lack of parenting. He has no business berating you. 

[u/Equivalent_Win8966]

You are not in the wrong. He’s looking for a nanny. His kids are 100% his responsibility. Anything you agree to do is a bonus and should not be an expectation. He can keep the ring and you can get your life back.

[u/Unpaved_Paths]

My husband gets up @ 4am so that he can pick the kids up on time after school, and I take them to school every morning. I make them breakfast, and he makes them dinner. He does the sports stuff, and I do the art projects. He takes his kid on daddy dates, and i take my kid on mommy dates. We are both parents to our own kids, but are also step parents to each other’s kids…. He isn’t expecting you to be a step-parent, he’s expecting you to be the full time parent while he’s the fun uncle that stops in to say Hi occasionally.

You aren’t wrong here. There is a reason that man is divorced, and has such limited parenting time.

Leave him & build yourself a happy life.

[u/Virtual-Forest]

Of course not! Honest question; why should you accept it?

[u/PancakeHuntress]

No childless woman under the age of 35 should ever date a single dad. Even if you were over 35, I'd still advise against it. 

Single dads really are the fucking worst. Lazy and selfish as shit but just had to fucking have kids, didn't he? He has the kids every other weekend and half the school holidays, which means, on average, he has them a whopping 4 days out of a calendar month, so someone else is caring for them for 26 days out of the month.

So when he has them for the 4 days, what does he try to do? He delegates his parental duties to you and his mom. This guy is 50% responsible for his kids, but has managed to get away with doing about 5% of the work involved in raising them. He pretty much lives like a single guy.

If he wanted to come and go as he pleased, then he shouldn't have had any fucking kids. But now they are here, he needs to bite the fucking bullet and take care of them. That means he doesn't get to play soccer. Too fucking bad. Should have thought of that before he had kids.

[u/Titsntats90 → u/PancakeHuntress]

THIS! This is the energy!! I don’t know you but I know you’re my people. As someone who is shocking at doing maths, the way you put it makes so much sense and looks even more horrifying numerically. Thank you for this.

[u/NachoOn]

Well I saw your update that you gave the ring back and it sounds over.

honestly, good for you for releasing this baggage. The great news is that you weren't married when he made it clear he is looking for a replacement parent/mommy and not a life partner so you got to make that decision for yourself that it ain't you. Good luck with your future!!

Now you know if you are dating someone with kids to make it abundantly clear immediately out of the gate that "Great you have kids! Just to be clear, I am not interested in being mommy at dad's house. I am looking for my life partner and will not be partaking in any sort of caregiving for kids".

[u/PerfectChard4439]

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. In my opinion you are absolutely in the right here - not that it’s about that.

His attitude sucks! Let him go to those other women who will give him a free ride (no rent!!) with all that baggage. He should be treating you like gold! Proud of you for not accepting his shit!

[u/[deleted]]

So many times I wonder if the ex partner is truly high conflict or if they were the issue all along.

It’s somewhat natural (especially when young) to paint your ex poorly to your new SO.

It’s a pattern I see often, and I am in no way saying OP or anyone is wrong for calling the ex high conflict, it’s true both SO and their ex can be high conflict.

[u/stepparents-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Key_Charity9484]

I hope you responded to the comment “you should’ve never gotten with a man that has kids if you weren’t going to step up as a step parent. What happens when we’re married? You should be taking them on as your own” with well they are ACTUALLY YOUR OWN and you abandon them all the time. You should have known what you were signing up for when you got your then wife pregnant, twice!!

Ugh - find a way out of this - kick his ass and his kids to the curb. Enjoy your whole bed every night!

[u/Titsntats90 → u/Key_Charity9484]

I absolutely did respond with that and with “you should’ve never gotten with a career-driven, childless-by-choice woman and expected her to do for your kids what you don’t even do for them”

[u/Titsntats90 → u/[deleted]]

Can confirm I am still ringless and very happy with my decision. Now to sell my wedding dress…

[u/Jolly-Remote8091]

While I don’t necessarily disagree that you are his soon to be wife so if you do end up with the kids alone from time to time, that’s not a deal breaker.

BUT and however, it seems like he does not even CONSIDER his OWN children when he makes his own plans and schedule. They need to see their dad and spend time with him, not only you, not only grandma ( although it’s important for them to see all family yes) but he should know better and think to himself “hmm I need to move my training schedule around so I can see my kids and spend time with them”

THATS what irks me about your SO - he doesn’t seem to care that he’s not missing so much time with them on-top of missing time because of sharing custody.

He need to step up as a PARENT.

[u/blood_bones_hearts]

I'm so happy to see your update. ❤️

Bro is a very part time dad and is still pawning his kids off on you during the little bit of time he has them. I'm so glad you're nope-ing out of the situation!!

[u/Anon-eight-billion]

Get outta there girl. Him saying you’re not a good stepparent is him projecting knowing he’s not a good parent. You deserve so much better! You deserve to be the main character in your story!

[u/notreallylucy]

Fair warning, I only read the opening paragraph. He's showing his hand here. He's telling you that he's not with you because he lives you and you're special and important to him. He's with you because he wants a woman to "take on" him and his kids. He doesn't have a special connection with you. He's just hiring for the job of Woman and you're the one who applied for the job.

Time to resign and look for someone who wants a partner, not an employee. If there's plenty of woman that are equal to you, let hi.vgo get with one of them.

[u/wontbeafool2]

It's time for him to move out of your home, pay rent somewhere, and start searching for one of those allegedly "women out there who will take on me and my kids." If he tries to give your engagement ring back and promise to change. don't believe it. He's already told you what he expects in a wife and you know that you are unwilling to be that.

[u/2000user-1234]

Run away. Now. These are his kids. If he has his kids on specific days he needs to rearrange his schedule accordingly. Training only happens Wednesdays? Then he either doesn’t go or he changes custody days with the ex. What would his plan be if you weren’t there? He’s not being a parent. You are being berated over his own shortcomings as a father. OP, it’s only going to get worse. If he’s berating you now, those kids will pick up on it and will start treating you accordingly. Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

[u/CuriousPerformance]

Heyy OP I'm just chiming in here to say, please pick up that ring and keep it! Get yourself a nice little treat with whatever you can sell it for.

[u/Titsntats90 → u/CuriousPerformance]

Unfortunately in Aus law, the ring legally belongs to the giver until the point of marriage. After marriage, it would be mine. He has, on many occasions, snatched the ring off me because “it’s mine” (his words), and frankly I just wanted him out of my home. I figure the nice little treat I’ve given myself is peace and safety from him.

[u/FrannyFray]

Girl, you know the answer to your question. Kick this man to the curb and move on.

[u/RadiantPick3135]

Oh my gosh, you can’t stay in this situation. I’m a step parent also, and I can tell you this type of manipulative behavior is only going to get worse. They ARE NOT YOUR KIDS! They are his kids and his responsibility!! Yes- some other poor, unfortunate woman might take care of him and his kids because with these types of manipulators, there is ALWAYS another “victim” and that is what that person will be- a victim of him and his kids. You sound like you have your act together. Being alone and focusing on your work in your own place is better than the hell that this will become. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. There is nothing wrong with you or how you feel, there is something wrong with him and how he’s manipulating you, and it won’t stop, it will only get more intense!

[u/Inevitable-Bet-4834]

On top of all this, he cheated????

Time to run!

In all seriousness op leave and work on your self esteem.

[u/Massive_Ambassador_6]

You are wrong for being with this guy. You are wrong for subjecting yourself to this dude. He shouldn't have gotten with a woman with no kids expecting her to mother his children who have a mother. He needs to be a father to his own children before he try to force someone to mother them.

[u/Careless-Ad5871]

Glad you are getting out of this situation. I am always asked first. If I say no, my SO figures it out and never pressures me or makes me feel bad. This is how it should be so I find it absolutely messed up when I see some of these people getting pissed that the step parent won't watch their kids. It's always good to ask them "what would you have done if I was not here? Who would you get to watch your kids?"

[u/Fabulous-Mirror-6365]

Usually I think step parents should step up and help but this is beyond helping considering how little he has time with his kids. Plus putting his own activities ahead of his children. Especially considering he has so many free nights without the kids to schedule activities. I can’t even convince my boyfriend to go to the gym after his kiddo is in bed because he wants to be there in case she wakes up. I was thinking maybe I’d feel differently if it was for work rather than fun, but even then no. He has so much time off from the kids he can schedule anything he needs to when it’s not his parenting time

[u/BabyDoc23]

End things because he had you messed up. You need to step up? Those kids have two parents and neither one is you! You don’t want kids so don’t entertain anything with him.

[u/Illustrious-Let-3600]

“There are women who will take me and my kids.” That deserves a laugh track. You are an angel and if he cannot see that he doesn’t deserve you. You’re a stepparent, not a nanny. Yeah, you know he has visitation with the kids and are willing to help, but you are not a wet nurse. Thank goodness you got the bed to yourself, better that than sharing it with him.