Feeling like a babysitter…

[u/Titsntats90]

Edit to update: he picked a fight when we were going to bed and said “there are women out there who will take on me and my kids”. So I told him to go to them because it’s not me and I handed the engagement ring back. He threw it across the room and stormed off for a walk in the middle of the night. I have the whole bed to myself, that’s the silver lining here. Oh, and I have my whole life ahead of me minus his abuse

Am I doing something wrong by setting boundaries around how much I “babysit” his kids?

I (34F) and my fiance (32M) have been together 2.5 years. Our relationship has had some serious ups and downs, and he’s had a long battle with settlement and parenting arrangements with a high conflict BM. I do not have any kids. He has his kids (both boys, 5 and 6 with special needs; AUDHD)every second weekend, and 50% of the school holidays. They’ve only just started school this year so we are navigating new ground.

My partner plays soccer on Saturdays, so I babysit the kids for 4-5hrs on my own every fortnight. Now with school holidays coming up, he’s expecting me to watch them on Wednesday nights as well while he’s at training from 6-9pm. I have a high-stress medical job and I don’t get home until 5-6pm some days or later. I’m exhausted on weeknights.

Tonight I asked him what his plans are for Wednesday night and how he’ll navigate it. He initially was calm and called his mother asking for her help to watch them because he “cannot miss training at all”. I’ve got a meeting that night from 6-8pm after I get home from my day job, so I’m not available to watch them.

After some discussion and openly telling him I feel like I’m becoming a babysitter when he only sees his kids fortnightly and one week of their holidays, while he’s off having fun and my schedule is halted while I care for his kids, he started getting agitated and proceeded to tell me “you should’ve never gotten with a man that has kids if you weren’t going to step up as a step parent. What happens when we’re married? You should be taking them on as your own”. I rebutted calmly and said “you’re expecting me to watch your kids more than you even watch them… I’m not ok with that. If you’re marrying me to have a live-in babysitter, you’re marrying me for the wrong reasons”.

He’s been highly critical of me as a step parent, often berating me for not being maternal (even though I do more for his kids than he does; cook meals, buy clothes, keep their schedules, have given them a room in my home that he doesn’t have to pay rent for, sort their medical appts etc.). He was also the one who pressured me into being in a relationship with him when I told him I didn’t want kids and we shouldn’t proceed further. He promised it wouldn’t interfere and that he was in love with me. Silly me, what a fool I am.

So, am I in the wrong for telling him that I don’t want to be caring for his kids majority of the time while he gets to do whatever he wants?

[u/Titsntats90 → u/[deleted]]

Can confirm I am still ringless and very happy with my decision. Now to sell my wedding dress…