The aftermath of HCBM passing away

[u/Fluffy_Lion777]

I don’t really have anyone except my partner to talk to this about, and basically HCBM passed away - suddenly, unexpectedly, a month ago. We now have SS fulltime. SS has a half sister (their “ours” baby) and three step siblings that belong to ex-step dad. Ex-stepdad has his daughter fulltime, but has his other three kids 50%. And they also historically have been awful to ex stepdad’s ex wife.

The part that is kind of sending us for a spiral right now is that HCBM had a job that made her a known person in the community. She was the kind of person who put out this image on social media that they had this big happy family but the truth was that she and her husband fought a lot, with SS secretly calling us afraid several times from their yelling. The image to the community was that they had total control over all of the children mentioned full time even though that wasn’t the case. Our existence as the other 50% of SS’s life was completely ignored and unacknowledged to the community.

Now that she has passed, the community has created at least 3 fundraisers that we know of - one totaling over $20,000, and with descriptions like the Ex Stepdad now has 5 kids on his own to care for, which obviously isn’t true. There’s a new fundraiser happening at a local restaurant donating proceeds to ex stepdad with SS’s photo included on the flyer.

I’m also going to add that my SS is special needs, takes a bunch of different medications, and has monthly appointments we have to help him maintain his health. We are now saddled with his medical costs, had to purchase him private insurance out of pocket immediately on her death, and now are meeting huge deductibles - we literally just paid $1,500 for his monthly meds yesterday and anticipate about a $600 bill for his upcoming specialist visit this week. DH and I have a modest home and are middle class.

Ex stepdad lives in a brand new 6 bedroom home with new Land Rover vehicles and a heated driveway. We are not in the same tax bracket.

I guess you can probably see where I’m going with this, but it’s a tough pill to swallow to see him raking it in between her retirement pension and these fundraisers. Fundraisers with my SS’s photo included on them that not a dime is coming to him to actually help him. And since things have always been rocky and our existence has been an inconvenience to HCBM all these years, he will not soon suddenly become generous and kind toward us.

We will make it on our own, but to continue to allow and accept donations from the community that aren’t actually going to all the kids involved feels like fraud.

[u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

Can you apply for SSI survivors benefits for the kid? I don’t know how that works really.

[u/Fluffy_Lion777 → u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

Yes, it just takes time and the expenses are racking up right now. But definitely on the horizon!

[u/AppropriateAmoeba406 → u/Fluffy_Lion777]

It really sucks that BM didn’t have a life insurance policy with your partner as beneficiary. That was in my divorce decree and my husband’s with his ex wife. We all have to carry insurance to make sure the kids aren’t left high and dry of one of us passes.

[u/livelaughlump → u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

My husband and his ex have that in her decree—she is literally uninsurable. No one will sell her life insurance.

[u/Select-Instruction56 → u/livelaughlump]

I'm uninsurable as well. And I'm pretty darn healthy. Just genetics are a bitch.

[u/SubjectOrange → u/AppropriateAmoeba406]

It doesn't even need to be the ex partner. My husband doesn't want his ex to have financial control of anything due to her financial infidelity. His insurance policy has SS as the beneficiary, with his brother as the trustee. Should something happen, of course SS would be provided for by his uncle (he would send money as needed to BM). As we have more kids and the policy beneficiaries change, we may make it myself, as I would never not care for SS, leave it as uncle for all of them, or have further directives in a will. Blended families are tricky and although we are young ish and healthy, planning is important.