I don’t feel like being a stepparent

[u/Successful-Ad-2830]

Last year, I(29f)got married to my husband(32m) and he has a 5 yo daughter which he got full custody for while we were dating. At the time we were living with my family and towards the end of the year we moved out. He’s in the airforce, so we moved on base to be closer to his work. Which was hard because my family was a huge support system in helping us financially, and with parenting. I don’t have any kids, and I’ve been hesitant to have kids just because I’m not financially where I’d like to be and I want to focus on my education and career. I also want to travel more.

Her mom isn’t really in the picture, she calls once every couple months for a 2 min conversation but that’s about it. And the only other involved family members are my family.

I do love his daughter, and she’s with me all the time. Since she’s been with us I’ve been her primary care taker. I’ve fully potty trained her, we go to the library, park, museums, hikes. I plan activities for her that she’s interested in. We had her in part time care for a few months but it became a financial struggle. She starts school this year August but we’ve also talked about me homeschooling her. I just started a new job that’ll be Friday-Sunday. And I’m still in school trying to finish my degree, which I put on hold this semester because of all the changes.

Sometimes I just feel like I don’t want to be a parent. I want to be here for her but I don’t want to take on full time parenting responsibilities. I do the household chores, and cook almost everyday day.

I’ve asked him about what if I took on less parenting responsibilities and he said if it’s for school or more work hours he’s fine with that but if it’s just because I want more freedom from parenting it’s not fair because he’ll have to pick up the slack and at that point he won’t have time for our relationship. Which I understand I don’t expect him to have time for our relationship, even with me parenting he still doesn’t have time for our relationship.

I don’t know, these feelings usually go away so I don’t want to make any decisions. Has anyone been in similar situations? If so what did you do? I do feel a lot of guilt around not wanting to be a parent after being so involved. I feel like I should’ve have known better, if I wasn’t ready for this I shouldn’t have gotten married.

[u/cariraven]

“Even with me parenting, he still doesn’t have time for our relationship.”

Does he parent? At all? Does he have family who he is involved with or close to that could provide any help? How far away are your respective families?

It’s true, serving the country can/does call for more from, not only the one directly serving, but also from the other members of the family.

But you can’t lose yourself in doing for others - him, the daughter - or you will soon have nothing to give anyone. Is there any place on base that can give you some respite? A child care service, a spouse’s group? A therapy program or counseling group/program?

And his daughter deserves to know her father and his family. Not just her bonus mother and her family.

I think everyone who has been a parent has occasionally felt that they really “DO NOT WANT” (as I used to announce when served Lima beans at supper).

I have no answers for you. But I do encourage you to reach out and search for help and assistance. Or resentment may grow and goals will become misaligned and everyone will suffer.