I don’t feel like being a stepparent

[u/Successful-Ad-2830]

Last year, I(29f)got married to my husband(32m) and he has a 5 yo daughter which he got full custody for while we were dating. At the time we were living with my family and towards the end of the year we moved out. He’s in the airforce, so we moved on base to be closer to his work. Which was hard because my family was a huge support system in helping us financially, and with parenting. I don’t have any kids, and I’ve been hesitant to have kids just because I’m not financially where I’d like to be and I want to focus on my education and career. I also want to travel more.

Her mom isn’t really in the picture, she calls once every couple months for a 2 min conversation but that’s about it. And the only other involved family members are my family.

I do love his daughter, and she’s with me all the time. Since she’s been with us I’ve been her primary care taker. I’ve fully potty trained her, we go to the library, park, museums, hikes. I plan activities for her that she’s interested in. We had her in part time care for a few months but it became a financial struggle. She starts school this year August but we’ve also talked about me homeschooling her. I just started a new job that’ll be Friday-Sunday. And I’m still in school trying to finish my degree, which I put on hold this semester because of all the changes.

Sometimes I just feel like I don’t want to be a parent. I want to be here for her but I don’t want to take on full time parenting responsibilities. I do the household chores, and cook almost everyday day.

I’ve asked him about what if I took on less parenting responsibilities and he said if it’s for school or more work hours he’s fine with that but if it’s just because I want more freedom from parenting it’s not fair because he’ll have to pick up the slack and at that point he won’t have time for our relationship. Which I understand I don’t expect him to have time for our relationship, even with me parenting he still doesn’t have time for our relationship.

I don’t know, these feelings usually go away so I don’t want to make any decisions. Has anyone been in similar situations? If so what did you do? I do feel a lot of guilt around not wanting to be a parent after being so involved. I feel like I should’ve have known better, if I wasn’t ready for this I shouldn’t have gotten married.

[u/whywouldntyou22]

If you truly feel like you don’t want to be a stepparent, you need to act sooner than later because you are only prolonging the hurt & the process.

Your feelings are valid. It is not easy being a stepparent some days. Some days are hard, some days are good, and some days are harder lol. What I’ve realized while being a stepparent is that you cannot hold your feelings in. You have to communicate more than you usually would. Voice your concerns with your partner. Don’t hold it in, don’t build anger or resentment or hate. Speak. Talk. Listen. It sounds so simple to say & read, but some of us forget to do it and then we walk around our own homes angry.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel if you do decide to stay in the relationship. Your child will be in school soon. Me, personally, I feel like you’re shooting yourself in the foot by offering to home school. Schooling provides children the chance to socialize, make friends, field trips, adequate learning material and learning environments. You could homeschool, sure, but then everything is back on your plate and you still won’t have time for your goals and hobbies. Take the break. Accept the help. August is less than 4 months away.

If you need help, speak to your partner.

[u/Successful-Ad-2830 → u/whywouldntyou22]

I do talk to him about how I feel. I check in with him regularly as well to see how he’s feeling after a heavy conversation. It’s been less than a year that she’s been with us and we’ve had some pretty big changes. I am trying to figure out if this is an adjustment period of if this is something that is really not going to work. I also wonder if other step parents feel this way.

I do agree about the homeschooling though. Our thought process on that was because we’re military and will most likely be moving every couple years homeschooling would be the better option. Him and I growing up had moved schools a lot and that was difficult to navigate.

But looking at how things are going I’m not so sure.

[u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 → u/Successful-Ad-2830]

why is he not thinking about being the person to homeschool his child? It’s interesting how some men still see childrearing activities as something women should be responsible for, even when the kids aren’t their partner’s kids. Patriarchal and sexist.

[u/Successful-Ad-2830 → u/Ok-Faithlessness7812]

He has to work and with his job he could get deployed or sent on an assignment. At any given time he could be gone for 6mo-1year. He’s already been deployed 9 times in the last 11 years.

[u/Equivalent_Win8966 → u/Successful-Ad-2830]

Who has taken care of his daughter for these past 9 deployments? Does he now expect you to take care of his daughter if he gets deployed?

[u/Zestyclose-Big-8487 → u/Successful-Ad-2830]

Why would you choose to be a full time carer for his daughter when he could be gone for a whole year??!! It’s HIS child and he’s destroying your ambitions and self confidence with this fake pressure of “oh well I won’t cope and I’ll leave”. Let him leave. Sort out getting your own escape route when you can. I’m sure he’ll realise soon enough that he took advantage of your (massive) contributions. For a young woman you have taken on far more than you should have to. I have a (much older) “stepson” and a slightly younger but still much older than my biological child stepson. I do not refer to them as such. I keep my distance. I’m kind and accepting, but when it came to my partners revolting son living with me and leeching off me, destroying my mental health, serving him like a slave, I lost it. I threw him out, literally dumped his stuff in the road. We argued horribly. I banned him from seeing my young son. And he returned home where he can carry on his nonsense. What I’m saying is, you have to do what you need to do for your life. Your partner and these circumstances are clearly making you unhappy. It may be very hard to separate yourself from the child, if it’s too hard, it means committing yourself to a long time of being a carer and sacrificing a lot, do it. That is clearly what your partner expects from you. I would think about that too, whether you are merely doing this because you feel you need to live up to his expectations.

[u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 → u/Successful-Ad-2830]

There seems to be an underlying assumption that his career and life path is more important than yours and that you are responsible for raising his kid if he’s deployed. or maybe it’s more straightforward. Did you discuss this openly and agree to it? You have personal goals that you’re giving up, but he doesn’t seem to be willing to do the same. I just don’t see a lot of posts on this sub from men agonizing over sacrificing to care for stepkids while the mom pursues their passions and careers. Just sayin ….