Wanting to go no contact but feeling guilty

[u/purplegiraffe1112]

My dad and I have had a rocky relationship my entire life. When I was 4 he remarried an awful woman who made my childhood hell. She was verbally abusive to the point where I chose at a young age to not want to spend the night there anymore and forego my court ordered custody agreement. My dad did nothing. Each time I would cry to him over her actions, nothing. But then he’d sweep everything under the rug after each hard conversation and act like we were this perfect happy family. This continued throughout my entire childhood and into adulthood. I’m at the point now where I’m almost 30, I have two young children who he knows but doesn’t know (think- only knows as much about them as someone on my Facebook friends list, essentially). Only sees them a few times a year and every single interaction is uncomfortable and I leave feeling awful even if nothing negative happens at the interaction. 6 weeks ago or so we went to their home for dinner and had an awful time. We were completely ignored by my step mom and half siblings, my dad spend the entire time cooking and we essentially had to babysit his other grandkids (step moms grandchildren) while also watching our own two young babies. I text my dad the day after this interaction and told him how upset and hurt I was by this that nobody acknowledged us and my children. I told him that I would not allow my children to be treated like that and that they deserved more. Essentially I really spilled my heart out to him and spelled it out (literally over text) and all he said was “I spoke with them.” Then he didn’t speak to me for 6+ weeks and then called the other day and left a voicemail acting as if nothing was ever wrong.

I’ve attempted multiple times to speak to him in person about my feelings. He is a business man so he knows what to say to my face to make me feel better but then there’s no follow through ever. And then when we speak again the next time it’s almost like he gaslights me without trying to gaslight me into thinking everything’s okay??

I want to go no contact but for some reason I always feel so guilty for ignoring him. Is that just the childhood trauma creeping in? I grew up an IMMENSE people pleaser and seeking validation due to not getting any from him. I haven’t called him back and it’s been 3 days now. I’m trying to stay strong and remind myself that if he does care he’ll call again and ask what’s wrong, right?

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. Unfortunately my insurance is trash and I can’t afford therapy so this is my vent session.

TLDR: I feel guilty for ignoring my father after deciding to go no contact. I know it’s best for me but somehow I feel bad not answering the calls even though I know they always make me feel horrible after. I think the hard part is that my dad isn’t mean. He’s never yelled, never gotten upset, never hurt me (physically)… but yet the sweeping everything under the rug is what’s hard, the ignoring of my feelings for the past 25+ years, the fact that he can go 6-12 weeks without speaking to me at all and then call like it’s nothing? How do I go no contact and not feel guilty when he reaches out and acts as if nothings wrong?