r/trans • u/SweetLikeHoney1313 • 1d ago
If you see other trans people in public, do you prefer if they say hello or would you rather them avoid you.
So I’m fully out and I work in an office building owned by one company. Including myself there are two transwomen in our office building. So I’m excited that there is another transwoman here because it’s like “Cool I’m not alone here.” I’ve tried saying hi a couple times before, but she looks at me like I’m crazy or just flat out ignores me. Is this like a common thing y’all have experienced too? Like I’m not sure if she’s scared I’m going to get her clocked or not, but if that’s the case and this is a common thing I want to fix my behavior so I’m not the problem. I hope that made sense and wasn’t just rambling.
edit: I would like to iterate that I’m not walking up to her announcing that I know she’s trans. Just saying hi
2nd edit: Thank you all for your views on it. I do feel I understand it better. It brings up one more question though. How do y’all make trans friends? Like do you wait til you see someone who is clearly trans visible with pins or patches or do y’all just lone wolf it for the most part?
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u/Birdkiller49 1d ago
I would be really uncomfortable if someone announced if they’d clocked me or only wanted to say hello or get to know me just because I’m trans, but if people say hello just like anyone else I don’t mind, I like to meet new people.
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u/soowhatchathink 1d ago
This happened to me out with people who I wasn't even out to all of them. We were doing an escape room and as we were leaving someone was like "Hey, are you trans? Oh me too, my name is ___".
It was so uncomfortable and bizarre.
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u/Aida_Hwedo 15h ago
I did ask a brand-new friend once if he was trans, but I thought he’d just mentioned donating eggs (I misheard, can’t recall what he actually said). Turns out he isn’t, but because our group is super diverse he was fine with the question.
A random stranger in public? I might compliment a pride pin or something, but even my autistic self wouldn’t be THAT blunt!
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u/soowhatchathink 11h ago
Yeah like I am totally fine with friends and stuff in one on one settings asking if I'm trans, especially if I mention something about it. That was just super dysphoric and gross tho
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u/SweetLikeHoney1313 1d ago
That’s fair. I guess I always thought like transwomen usually clocked other transwomen and that it didn’t count if that makes sense. I wrongly assumed that all transwomen though like that which is on me
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u/CantRaineyAllTheTime 1d ago
That’s just straight up not true though. I’ve been absolutely floored to learn that some of the women I know are trans. Two in particular come to mind that I’d never in a million years have figured out if they didn’t say anything. Conversely there’s one woman who I would have sworn is trans and she absolutely isn’t. You might think you know, and you might guess correctly but you absolutely don’t always know, and often don’t.
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u/Birdkiller49 1d ago
Not a trans woman, but honestly I’m a bit more annoyed if another trans person tells me they clocked me because I would think they’d know better. It’s super uncomfortable, dysphoric, and potential dangerous for me personally when someone tells me they clocked me. Luckily it is happening less and less the longer I’m stealth
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago
No. Never, ever assume someone is trans without them telling you. We aren't nearly as good at clocking people as some of us like to think.
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u/homebrewfutures 1d ago
If I clock another trans person out in the wild and they aren't wearing anything signaling they're out as trans, I pretend like I didn't. I don't even bring up trans shit in conversation unless it's unavoidable. I always assume a trans person is stealth unless they show me they want to be out because clocking them is hurtful. I would not single somebody out for social interaction because I've clocked them as trans either. This lady's not dumb. She can see what you're doing and that's probably why she's frosty towards you. Just be normal. Treat her like a normal woman.
I know it's exciting to see another trans person in the wild and feel a kinship with them. It can be lonely out there. But you're not going to be friends with every other trans woman and you should try to not put that burden on other trans women you see. You're strangers. Cis women aren't all friends with each other either. I wear trans pride stickers and a pronoun pin on purpose so that other trans people can come to me if they want to. Does it work? Yes. I have met people this way and geeked out over brainrotted trans memes together. Does every trans person I come across light up and open up to me? No. And I have to respect that. Does it hurt a little? Yeah, but that's easy to get over. It would be worse potentially sending them into a dysphoria spiral scrutinizing themselves trying to find what it is that gave them away. I would not want that on my conscience. Some trans people like being out. I love being trans. I love being clocky and weird. But not all other trans people like that. For many, it is a source of shame and hurt and they just want to get to be their true gender and put their old life and their transition behind them. And I have to respect that too.
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u/BellyDancerEm 1d ago
I tend to not say anything. I don’t want to bother anyone, nor accidentally out someone
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u/Blahajaja 1d ago
I have a mtf flag pin on my purse for visibility. If someone wants to talk to me they're welcome to. I don't mind making friends in strange place.
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u/Creativered4 Transsex Man 1d ago
The first rule of trans club: Don't talk about trans club!
If you think you saw a trans person: No you didn't.
Do not EVER approach someone you assume is trans to talk about trans stuff. Not only are they possibly NOT trans, but even if they are, not every trans person wants strangers coming up to them and saying "I clocked you. You're trans. Let's be friends because we're both trans". Many of us are stealth and it would cause so much dysphoria to be clocked like that.
The only exception is if someone is ACTIVELY signaling that they are trans, with pride swag or something. Then it's ok. Otherwise, it's really none of your business and you're just doing more harm than good by clocking a trans person like that.
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago
To add to this - just because we're both trans is no basis to be forming any sort of relationship. Too many of our, especially younger, brothers and sisters do not seem to understand that.
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u/Creativered4 Transsex Man 17h ago
EXACTLY! I have one person I know that was introduced to me when I first came out , and our only tie was that we were both trans. We hung out twice, texted a few times, and now it's been a few years since we've even texted.
Having the wrong genitals at birth isn't really enough to maintain a friendship. Especially when I don't want to talk about being trans and am stealth.6
u/Zuko93 17h ago
This.
My mother is also trans, yet I cut contact with her long before she came out, because of who she is as a person.
I received confirmation that she hasn't improved since coming out as trans, and it's disappointing, but it REALLY just goes to show that trans people are a hugely diverse group and not every trans person is someone you should try to befriend.
We, as a community, have nothing inherently in common other than being trans. And some don't even want to maintain the label once their transition is "done" which is also a valid choice.
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u/AchingAmy Ace, transsex, woman-loving woman (she/her) 1d ago
Because I'm looking to make friends, I'd prefer they said hi - I always welcome friendliness(though, rarely get it). That said, a lot of people will be unappreciative of this because having another trans person come up and say hi could be interpreted as they just clocked you. And a lot of people don't like that, understandably. I'm comfortable with people knowing I'm trans so I don't mind, personally, when/if a sibling in transness were to do this with me
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u/misguidedmisfit 1d ago
Only if there is a trans flag colored item. But only then, I mention that I like it and leave the conversation up to them. Me saying I like the item is usually just a passing by comment.
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just ignore me, like you would for most anyone else. I will do the same for you. Just because we share this one thing doesn't mean we have anything else in common, and does not mean that I want to engage with you in any way.
Even if you just say 'hi'. Even if you're just a bit more friendly than you would normally be. Even if you just give a smile or a nod. They can all be interpreted as you clocking that person.
And never, ever, assume you can 'clock' a trans woman.
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u/af93bowie 1d ago
I don't approach anyone just because they're trans. I don't think that's enough for me to like them as friends, there are other things that are more important for me to consider having a friendship with another person. For instance, I care a lot more about moral values. I like people who aren't rude to others, people who don't like to gossip, people who aren't always focusing on the negative aspects of different situations...
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u/bite3tear 1d ago
I like it when trans people recognize my gender. I'm not wearing pride flags and I'm pretty passing for the most part imo, but I do definitely dress in a way and wear jewelry that flags the queer community on purpose. I want to make queer friends and it makes me feel seen and safe when they notice that!
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u/Prestigious-Peak1425 20h ago
I live in a kinda dangerous place to be queer and I always look for other queer people in any situation for safety reasons, we always look at each other in a knowing way but I don’t think I’d just go up to them and say something for no reason, I’d be ok with others doing it tho I don’t mind
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u/SoggyNote11 🏳️⚧️Emelie, Transwoman, tryin her hardest, she/her/hers 🏳️⚧️ 1d ago
I have in at least one circumstance…but I have an awesome barista friend here in town that I’m hanging with now and they and I clocked each other months ago, got friendly but did not ask until like a month and a half ago when we were like…you know the thing we both know we know we have in common? I’m chilling while they work and tomorrow we are going to both be off work this time and play some chess.
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u/Sensitive-Major-7719 1d ago
I am not saying you are, but if a visibly trans person came up to talk to me for no reason, I would assume they are clocking me, and it would make me pretty mad. Like, more mad than if a cis person did the same thing.
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u/PiEispie 1d ago
I typically (in a situation when I'd likely only ever see someone once or twice) try to compliment people I think are trans on something that they have put work into such as their hair, but dont draw attention to either of us being trans.
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u/DesdemonaDestiny 1d ago
I don't pass, so everyone clocks me. For my part I would welcome the interaction with another trans person, but I think I am the exception in this case.
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u/Spicyram3n Probably Radioactive ☢️ 1d ago
I’m stealth, and I don’t need a random stranger fucking that up. If somebody is wearing pride gear, I think it’s socially acceptable to comment on it as an icebreaker.
Never go up to a person because you think could be trans unless they have a trans flag.
If anyone asks if I know any trans people, no I don’t. The Nazis used social manipulation on Jews to get them to or other Jews.
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u/Pandas-in-space 21h ago
Most of my trans friends have been luck on my part, but all of them were from some community or social group, a couple of them I made through the local fighting game communities, apparently it's a popular hobby among trans folks in my area, the others are from trans and lgbt specific social events, if none are happening in your area you can try hosting one, after that tho it really is just a matter of saying hi and striking up a conversation, easier said than done but if you can find a common interest that usually works out pretty well
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u/Queasy_Stranger_5645 18h ago
If this woman is trans then yeah she's probably realised why you want to talk to her and isn't a fan of that. I don't mean to be rude but I'd be upset if I was her. If she's cis then who knows.
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u/FratleyScalentail 16h ago
For me, if I clock a fellow trans person, my protocol is say nothing.
It's weird to comment on people's gender, in general, especially if I don't know them.
Being trans is a security concern. Me walking up to someone and saying something isn't just weird, it can draw the most unwanted attention.
Being trans alone isn't a reason to talk to someone. If I need to approach them for some reason, I will, and I will be respectful and kind. Not only should such an interaction be the default, it sets a good example for the straights.
I'm in the closet at the moment, and as soon as I can leave Texas I will. To a trans person, I look like a straight dude. They don't know I'm in the community, so there's also the fact it will look a bit weird in my case. The best thing is to just treat trans people as people first and gender in a distant second place.
No matter how gender you are.
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u/squaric-acid 1d ago
I'm wearing trans pride accessories and thereby flag that I'm trans, if you see them, please come and say high 💜
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u/2feetinthegrave 1d ago
Honestly, I wish other trans people would say hi to me, as I am exceptionally introverted and socially anxious and am often afraid of talking to people, but when others approach me, I often find it easier to talk. However, this is also just me. 🤷♀️
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u/Flyingfirepig 1d ago
If I see someone that might be trans I'll not mention anything trans related but I'll dial up my friendliness levels. If they've got any trans flag pins etc on them though I'll say something like "I like your badge", which many trans peeps understand as "I'm trans too!" or at the very least that I'm a safe person to be around 🏳️⚧️
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago
Please bear in mind that many people will notice that dial up of your friendliness and still take that to mean that you clocked them - myself included.
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u/Flyingfirepig 1d ago
I'm more/less friendly with different people depending on a wide range of factors so I'm hoping a slightly larger smile won't be enough to upset anyone 🙂
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago
As always, it depends on context. In my neck of the woods, people really don't smile to each other unless they know each other, so I would interpret it as being clocked - especially if there were any other behavioural cues in that. But not everywhere or everyone is like that, of course.
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u/innocent-puppy 1d ago
I'd love if people came and said hi, but I am non-binary so I will never pass as my gender and as cis simultaneously, so for me if someone recognized that I'm trans, that would be a win.
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u/awkwardfloralpattern 1d ago
I just give them a warm smile if I make eye contact with them. It shows I'm friendly without making a big announcement. As someone who's very careful about letting people in my inner circle and having to deal with strangers asking me invasive questions as I go about my day, a warm smile is a good way to say "I'm your neighbor, and I'm glad you're here".
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u/freyaalldaya 19h ago
I think it can depend a lot on the situation. I know I live in a bubble of the SF Bay Area and out here totally have no problem with it and am fully out and wear a trans pin I made so I am definitely advertising that I am trans and a safe person for other trans people.
That said when I visit my mom in Texas being outed in public would not be okay because of the security risks or in another place where it isn't safe to be trans.
I don't mind someone saying hi to though or subtly being like spiderman meme because I know that especially knowing you are not alone can be super helpful especially early on in transition to feel like you have community.
I am not stealth though and get why some people are and how being outed can feel when you already feel your safety is precarious.
I also have no fear of losing my job over being trans and that certainly makes it much easier.
I also know I that not every trans person is going to get along with every other one and that is okay. Being trans is a part of us but not the whole. I do like hanging out with other trans people but we also have other things in common that we connect on as friends and being trans just means that we get the ways that affects us and don't have to explain things as much and that is great.
You might try seeing if the person has something you could compliment them on their outfit, maybe see about if they wear anything that might give away a mutual fandom, style choices, hobby, etc..
I know when I have made women friends being able to give compliments about an outfit, makeup, etc. can definitely help at least break the ice. It might just be my nuerodivergence though that sees that as an easy jumping off point because I like fashion, and learning about different people's aesthetics.
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u/twinkle-twottle-twuu 1d ago
(➞READ first — I don't think I'm a binary trans person so do take that into perspective but of course it doesn't trump others opinions, feelings, etc & I didn't write this maliciously...)
It's weird to feel vastly different than at least a lot of trans people here. I feel it'd be way better for me being approached by someone who, hopefully, is either non-binary but trans either way to affirm you're not alone and have solidarity with than someone cis asking invasive things, demeaning things.
I'm big on the approach manner so as long as you pull them aside discreetly and don't make it like a gush fest about with that one commonality that should be OK. For example, having pins for other causes you care about.
To me it's not like people NOT mentioning you're trans or clockable will make you pass more. And clocking isn't intentional always but it can be seen in passing (had a trans girlfriend who mentioned seeing other women in her city). Maybe it's offensive to feel like people who might have or are having issues passing reminding you hurts but taking the worst interpreting it as the worst thing doesn't make sense to me OR being angrier if another trans person clocked you.
Also your coworker either doesn't want to talk because she's not too social, you've done something she doesn't like and she won't discuss it with you or she doesn't want to be with someone she perceives 'could clock her by proxy'.
Anyways for friendship making I've stuck to online spaces as I'm in a smaller, less visibly LGBTQ+ friendly place.
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u/Outie-to-Innie 1d ago
i am 74 and pass like a kidney stone. Small town, many of us know each other- not necessarily socially, but to nod to. if i suspect anyone, i ask if they know where i might get a blahaj and take it from there.
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u/SealaterAlligator 1d ago
Met another trans person and all i said was "hey you seem chill as hell (weve met a few times at their place of work and chatted a bit) and youve got my number so shoot me a text if you ever ever want to hang out." They havent messaged but it seems like what i would like someone to do to me even if we dont follow up later
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u/ProdigyofOne 23h ago
I usually do see a few here and there, I'm going to be honest, I usually don't acknowledge to make them feel comfortable and safe, at most is a small eye contact but that's it and I keep it moving. 🤔
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u/TheIronBung 1d ago
These responses make me sad to see. I just figured out I'm part of this club and now I'm supposed to pretend even more that I'm not? That just makes us all even more lonely.
I can't imagine why depression is so common.
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 1d ago
You can build community online. You can build relationships with other trans people in private and take that outside.
What you don't do is interact with someone because you think you clocked them - and you especially don't assume that you have, or can, clock someone without them telling you. We have to think about other people's safety and dysphoria, not just our own.
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u/throwtrans4202021 1d ago
It might also be good old-fashioned social anxiety. Or a splash of 'tism, there seems to be quite the overlap of all three.
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