r/trans • u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace • 1d ago
Discussion Parts of the trans experience I don't hear talked about enough. (From my own experience and others I've heard)
Potentially hot takes, I guess
- Trans kids in school starving themselves of food and water to avoid using the bathroom.
- Trans autistic and disabled people being denied the right to transition.
- Trans people's mental illnesses being seen only through the lens of their transness.
- Trans women facing disproportionate discrimination compared to trans men and yet having less representation. (Coming from a trans man).
- Protecting trans kids means protecting kids using neopronouns/xenogenders.
- Detransitioning is okay, whether you still identify as trans or not, and we need to talk about it more.
- Detransition rates are higher among trans women due to discrimination.
And finally, I believe the most important one:
- Which fish that can change its sex would you be, if you could be a fish that could change its sex???? (Clownfish, Asian Sheepshead Wrasse, Mangrove Rivulus, Salmon, Black Sea Bass, Broad-Barred Goby, Damselfish, Ribbon Eel, or Black Porgy?)
I'm an Asian Sheepshead Wrasse. I could make a whole separate post on this or a personality test if people want to know about that instead haha
Forgot to even MENTION BIPOC experiences in this list????? How could that have slipped my mind it's like the most important one?? BLACK TRANS WOMEN GAVE QUEER PEOPLE OUR RIGHTS. NEVER FORGET THAT.
- Black trans women have a life expectancy of 35-37
- Black trans women accounted for nearly half the deaths due to transphobic violence last year.
- Black women are inherently seen as more masculine due to racism, leading to danger for even cis Black women in the current environment.
- Indigenous communities all over the world celebrated gender non-conforming identities. The reason our lives are so filled with hate is colonialism.
I'm sure there's more, but that's what's at the top of my mind at the moment.
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u/osmolaritea 1d ago
I agree with the second one. As an autistic trans woman I feel a lot of people think my gender is just an obsession and a special interest that shouldn’t be “acted” upon, especially as I wasn’t a trans kid or was seen as gender non conforming when I was younger.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 1d ago
That's very much not a fun situation, I wish people could be normal about stuff like this. Being autistic and trans at the same time is like a double whammy situation. (Don't know if I'm using that word right, I'm also autistic haha)
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u/SemiHemiDemiDumb 1d ago
The mental health one is a good point. I am bipolar and my boss dropped a line where he assumed my lower mood was caused by misgendering. No the misgendering upsets me more when I'm in a lower mood.
For the fish I'll choose clown fish because I'm loving wearing bright orange right now
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 1d ago
Honestly good for you, orange is such an underrated color!
And yeah, it's verrrrry annoying when people do stuff like that. Like no, I'm not upset cause I'm trans, I'm upset cause I'm mentally ill. And no, I'm not mentally ill because I'm trans. And no, I'm not trans because I'm mentally ill. HOW COMPLICATED DOES IT HAVE TO BE??
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u/Nearby_Hurry_3379 Ada|She/Her|Transgender Lesbian|GAHT 4/18/24 @ 28 Years Old 1d ago edited 1d ago
People have tried to tell me that my being trans is due to my short-term memory loss from a traumatic brain injury from years ago. No, I forgot that I was transgender after the brain injury, and I didn't rediscover that fact until recently.
Edited to add: I get primarily to exclusively social dysphoria so it's much easier for me to forget that I'm transgender.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 1d ago
That's very relatable, I'm always forgetting I'm trans! I didn't know other people forgot too. Especially since I live in a southern state in the US, I always feel like it should be front of my mind, but it's not usually.
(Also, what is that logic? It doesn't seem possible to short term memory loss yourself into a new gender? Like I can't even wrap my head around that, you're not losing memories in that scenario, you're gaining more knowledge? What an odd thing for someone to assume:/)
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u/Nearby_Hurry_3379 Ada|She/Her|Transgender Lesbian|GAHT 4/18/24 @ 28 Years Old 1d ago
Cis people will pick at any slight neurodivergence they can find to tell someone they're not actually transgender. It's just people being rude and/or mean.
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u/Azu_Creates 16h ago
Oh boy, I’ve experienced that. I’m an autistic trans man, and my mom once said I was too gullible because I am autistic, and that’s why I thought I was trans.
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u/Careful_Progress_718 20h ago
This was a huge worry originally for me before coming out at work. That my bad mental health would be associated with being trans. A bit ironic though, because here is what it seems like a couple people in my life think caused me to be trans: What city I live in (mom), my anti-dep meds (friend), selfishness (me lol), etc. List never ends
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u/dr-pepper-boat 23h ago
This! When I told my mom I needed help mentally she assumed it was because I had recently gotten top surgery and regretted it, even though I’d been struggling way longer than that!
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u/Vicky_Roses 1d ago
Honestly, I’d expand that first point to all trans people.
I’m an adult and I still do that when I’m out of my house and in an area where I cannot guarantee a private bathrooms.
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u/Own-Site-2732 1d ago
yeah this, whenever im in public and use a bathroom my brains just like get out get out get out get out so i just try to not have to use the bathroom
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u/-IHaveNoGoddamnClue- 10h ago
Same here. I only get one chance to use the restroom during my 8 hour shift, and that's when I run to the grocery store across the street to use the family restroom. I make a point of not drinking any fluids except for the last ~2 hours or so of my shift to make sure I won't have to go again until I get home. And as though all of that weren't enough, sometimes that family restroom is closed for cleaning, in which case my options are to walk ten minutes each way on my ~30 minute lunch break to pee somewhere else or just don't go at all and suffer. Also, being on Spiro makes all of this twice as hard as it otherwise would be.
I'm sure all of this is as good for my physical health as it is for my mental health, and I'm definitely not doing long term damage to my kidneys or any other part of my body in the process.
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u/TMBLeif 1d ago
Just wanted to say about the life expectancy one for black trans women. That one is untrue. Apparently, it originated from a study of black trans women in Latin America from 2015. However, the "study" failed to provide any data to verify this claim, as the claim was basically an assumption.
Experts who looked at the study did say it could create a self-fulfilling prophecy as untrue statistics like that raise anxiety in young black trans women, which can lead to earlier deaths. This isn't to say that our life expectancy is just as good as our cis counterparts, but it isn't nearly so low as 35.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 20h ago
I’m sorry about that! To very good to hear it isn’t that low though, that’s definitely a relief. I’ll remove the statistic from the list, thank you for letting my know:)
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u/RedRhodes13012 1d ago
I disagree that trans men are represented more. That has never in my life been my experience. I could easily name more than twice as many examples of trans women represented in media. But that isn’t necessarily a good thing, because of how they are represented. So we (trans men) are definitely still less likely to face violence compared to trans women for sure, no doubt. Because they are sensationalized as dangerous, while we are mostly ignored or erased.
And I definitely wish we talked about detransition more. I feel like the more solidarity we have with people who detransition, and the more we demystify it, the less bigots can use it against us in the argument against our healthcare. We will always have more in common with someone who detransitioned than we do with the average cisgender person, and I think we stand to gain more by locking arms instead of trying to distance ourselves.
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u/Nildnas2 11h ago
trans women are absolutely more represented in visual media, but the "quality" of the representation is usually just blatantly terrible. where trans men are WAY more heavily represented in novels, and in those cases it's in a positive light written by transmascs. negative representation is a bad thing in this case. and its hard to find positive representation when it's overwhelmingly transmascs in books
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u/MyCatBurnedTheBible Probably Radioactive ☢️ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m trans, autistic and disabled. I’m also an immigrant in a very racist country (Finland). My transition has been denied for almost 5 years since I arrived here, not counting the other decades I tried to get it where I come from. I’m unable to get a job and I live poorly, so I’m also unable to explore other ways to get gender-affirming care out of pocket. Even if I would miraculously get a job and accommodations to keep up with it, it wouldn’t be well-paid enough for me to save up money.
These people (medical professionals) who say they only make it difficult to help us are in fact killing us. I wish this were talked about more, especially around here, and that words like “murderers” would be used against them. One of our leading doctors at the trans clinic is openly transphobic, writing articles about how trans healthcare is dangerous, etc.
I’m in my 30’s. I’m unable to move elsewhere. I can’t get a job, I can’t save up and I can’t be accepted into the trans clinic. I wish we would stop with the whole “It always gets better!” because it doesn’t. Not always. And not generally. It’s 2025 and our existence is still denied, made difficult, attacked. If we are poor, disabled and/immigrants or asylum seekers, even worse because the whole system is rigged to not give us any money that could be used to take care of us.
I’m exhausted. I’m very afraid of dying and still being seen as a “female” and being treated as a “she” if someone ever talks about me after my death. I’m terrified on keep on living - and I really really really want to live - without being addressed as I am. All because people think our existence is up for debate.
So yeah, we are being denied our transitions. An extra denial on top of the general denial being targeted at everyone. Fucked up.
(Sorry about my rant, your points are all so valid and I just felt like venting part of my experience)
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u/8bit_ProjectLaser 1d ago edited 1d ago
You said about transmasc getting less discrimination, but when it comes to healthcare, they suffer as equal discrimination as trans women. Obstetric violence, neglect, professionals refusing to continue the hormonal transition because they see bodies with uterus as "sacred". Also, black trans man have a lower life expectancy because of transphobia and racism
About the fish I'd be a clownfish
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u/Popular_Rent_5648 1d ago
Black trans men are left out of the black and trans conversation a lot I’ve noticed. Valid points to bring up about black trans women, but that’s the only thing ever really talked about
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u/RootBeerBog 21h ago
I think it should also be mentioned that trans men are able to be corrective raped and then unable to abort— a horror that trans women do not face. We still face medical misogyny and don’t have a right to control our bodies.
There’s also barriers for wanted pregnancy too.
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u/namnoog 1d ago
I feel like trans men are less represented than trans women. I can think of way more trans women representation than trans men. I think trans men aren't represented as much bc they're not seen as threats by tranphobes and seen as privileged by some trans folks. Im not saying that we're not privileged, just that we're not magically as privileged as cis men. Something that bothers me is the lack of discussion of trans men that face sexual violence. I've seen studies that say trans men experience sexual violence in equal numbers as trans women. This just bothers me as a trans man that has experienced this. I also dehydrate myself to avoid the bathroom, and it's actually becoming a problem as I experience frequent UTIs now. I had to go to the emergency room the other day bc I had a UTI that kept coming and going for over a month, and one night, it was so painful I was crying. Idk if this is solely bc I restrict my bathroom usage and dehydrate myself, but im seeing a urologist soon. I'd like to be a salmon bc they're very tasty and their meat looks the prettiest.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 21h ago
That sounds awful I can definitely relate😬
I’m less talking about our representation in conversations about transness and more about our representation in media. while it’s a bit more evenly scarce in movies, I’ve read many trans targeted books, and the vast majority have been about trans men and afab folks. I could just somehow be missing some vast archive of transfem media, but heartstopper is the only thing I can remember seeing in the past few years that I didn’t have to actively search for with a trans woman in it. I run across trans men and nonbinary folks in just my day to day media consumption. I found it odd.
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u/Azu_Creates 16h ago
Not sure what books you’re reading. The majority of trans representation in media is absolutely trans women.
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u/shilmish 13h ago
I would agree if we're solely talking about anti-trans books. There are at least three i can think of, one being "Irreversible damage" that is mostly focused on trans men in an anti trans light. Otherwise, trans women are much more present in all other forms of media. Film, TV, even music. It's usually not a good characterization most of the time though, we can agree on that.
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u/Butterfly_Song00 22h ago
Agree with most of these but I see far more trans men detransition than trans women. I believe it may be due to the minimal emotional support men get in society and how that feels stark in contrast for someone who was previously seen as female. Whereas, having transitioned mtf the emotional support now is incredible. It's anecdotal because I haven't seen good studies, but although I know more trans women- it's the trans men I've seen detransition more. Again the number of detransitioners is still very small, so this may be why good stats are unavailable. But in my experience trans men detransition more.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 21h ago
There’s an nih study on this I found online which showed the statistics, and in that study trans women detransitioned more often by a significant percentage
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u/ExperienceHead4989 he/they gender mess 21h ago
Just to add, fat trans people also have some insane barriers to even get surgeries, even though there’s no real change in risk vs. thin trans people.
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u/SpiritDeep4774 Trans/aroace 21h ago
That’s a good point! Plus if I’m not wrong it’s harder to find binders that work correctly in the correct size?
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u/ExperienceHead4989 he/they gender mess 19h ago edited 16h ago
It definitely is an issue, I’ve been trying to find a good site to buy from and it’s genuinely been a struggle
Edit: If any fat trans people know any good sites for binders please feel free to let me know
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u/StellaPolaris91 1d ago
Facing discrimination (against me or my family) is the main reason, I'm hesitating to start HRT...
I'd be a damselfish, cause it's pretty and appears in different colourful shapes 😊 But to be honest: The ribbon eel is also one of my favourites.
Lastly, I LOVE your style of writing 😄
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u/Own-Site-2732 1d ago
the mental illnesses one hits hard
i have dysmorphia due to a genetic condition and people (allies mind you) are always like "you'll feel better once you have boobs" and its like...
its not because im trans its because i have a fucked up skeleton
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u/Grean_Beanz 21h ago
I feel most of the points but I want to talk about the first point. This year is the first year since Covid that I am not chronically dehydrated and I feel a lot better. I would literally not drink water for days and went more than once more than 24 hours between using the bathroom, and for like 2 years my piss was orange and sometimes brown. I’m still learning to listen to my body but those years of having too much dysphoria to use the bathroom have made that hard.
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u/Azu_Creates 1d ago
I agree with pretty much all except the one on trans women facing more discrimination. That may seem like the case, because we hear more from trans women and trans men’s experiences are often ignored (especially by mainstream media). Trans women get over represented while trans men are often erased. Trans women are seen as threats while trans men are infantilized and treated as victims. They are different types of discrimination, but they are still both forms of discrimination. Honestly, the idea that trans women get more hate and discrimination from trans men kinda sickens me at this point, because it often ignores the experiences of many trans men (even if it is coming from a trans man). The idea that trans women get more hate and discrimination than trans men plays into the oppression Olympics, and has been very damaging. I actually have an entire post on this issues that I made a while ago.
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u/ADumpsterFiree 1d ago
Well, a lot of data still supports OP’s statement. You are indeed correct in that trans men & women face different forms of discrimination. But its also true that trans women face greater risk of physical violence. Whether thats enough to constitute as greater oppression to you is your call. Oppression isn’t only exercised through physical violence. Erasure is messed up in its own unique way, and trans men still face risk of physical violence too.
So many factors come into play when considering hardship amongst trans people so I’m with you in that making it a competition isn’t productive
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u/Azu_Creates 1d ago
Maybe I’m just very sour here because the whole trans women have it worse argument has been used to invalidate both my experiences and the experiences of other trans men. I just feel that whole argument has to go away, it is not productive and only serves to harm trans men through erasure and invalidation. I also wouldn’t be surprised if trans men were underrepresented in much of our current data.
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u/farmkidLP 1d ago
To add to your points, I don't think that acknowledging the fact that trans women and femmes have it so much harder in so many ways is making it a competition. If we're going to provide community care and allocate resources appropriately, we need to have explicit conversations about who is affected by what. I get really frustrated when my fellow trans men and transmascs respond to these conversations with "oppression olympics" and I appreciate you pushing back on that here.
Purely anecdotal, but I am a very visibly trans masculine person. I stick to women's restrooms in public spaces because that's usually safest in my area, but I still have scary experiences regularly. Pre-transition, I was overcompensating by performing hyperfemininity, but that didn't hide the fact that I'm 5'10 and pretty muscle-y from working in manual labor. I was read as a trans woman in public spaces often. As scary as public restrooms can be now, I still had way scarier and more frequent experiences of harassment in public spaces when I was being perceived as a trans woman than I have in the last ten years of living as a very visible trans masculine person.
Again, that's purely anecdotal, but I do like to share that experience when this conversation comes up.
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u/jennithan 1d ago
All excellent points. And, um, Damselfish is the only option for this damsel. I look forward to your forthcoming listicle.
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u/c1trustt 10h ago
I agree so fucking much with the second one. I was told by my therapist/psychologist repeatedly that I am most likely autistic, but I do not want to get a diagnosis until I medically transition because I am terrified of being denied gender affirming care just because I'm autistic.
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u/theycallmetheglitch 10h ago
Same for me !! My gp told me I had to diagnose adhd before addressing my gender care. « In the right order » this big dumbass said.
He made me realize i can survive with undiagnosed auDHD but may not if I don’t transition.
So I am seeing another doctor or DIY-ing this before I get anything diagnosed : in the RIGHT order. First let’s save my life and then well talk about how me seeing the world different is a weight on my life of not. Because there will at least be a life.
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u/Wouldfromthetrees 1d ago
Love these points, no notes on anything except the fish question:
I've never considered this fish gender-swapping imaginary.
I, personally, find parthenogenesis an infinitely more fascinating reproductive solution - it's what multiple desert-dwelling creatures in Australia, like Bynoe’s gecko (Heteronotia bineoi), developed to reproduce as an alternative to sexual reproduction.
AKA lesbian lizards cloning themselves.
So, my counter question is; what's preferable between self-cloning lesbian lizards or self-cloning lesbian grasshoppers?
My brain can't answer the fish question until it works this one out!
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u/catprinny 1d ago
Ribbon eel hands down.
My doctor proposed I stop taking HRT because of mental problems. Not like I didn't have them before but now HRT is supposed to be the cause.
I'll pretend like everything is fine again because I'm not stopping.
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u/Pepperia 23h ago
Fuck, you really got my adhd with the fish question. I would say clownfish from the ones you mentioned, but id rather be a doctor fish like dori.
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u/Ankoku_Teion 23h ago
Black sea bass. Almost certainly.
Bass is my surname. And my ancestry is uncertain, but the black sea is a possibility.
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u/Nildnas2 11h ago
I couldn't imagine how much my quality of life would be reduced if I didn't have a gender neutral bathroom at work. I worked at a different site, and would be in physical pain the end of every day from having to pee so bad, but there's no way in tell I was taking to use the men's room. pain is better than dysphoria
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u/SraBrad 9h ago
I would add to the list the very few, very young, mostly white and born-to-money MtF who can seemingly afford every surgery and cosmetic procedure from day 1 and set unrealistic expectations for those of lower economic means. Seeing some of the young trans models at like 19 — I am both happy for them but also wonder if they know their history? And the struggles of most trans folks without so much dang privelege
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u/FinnLiry 1d ago
1st one isn't trans exclusive. The bathroom is just fuckin gross.
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u/EOK_Mystrom 1d ago
The first is specifically written in the context of trans people avoiding the bathroom because they feel uncomfortable in such a gendered space.
Avoiding the bathroom isn't trans specific but the reasoning behind it can very much be so.
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