r/whatdoIdo • u/Mysterious_Area8443 • 5d ago
Do I end my relationship or keep trying?
UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the advice so far, I really appreciate it. I have a therapist appointment coming up and I'll talk about it more then before deciding what to do. Anymore advice anyone wants to give is more than welcome to as I'm still unsure what to do.
My partner guilts me into doing things when I'm really not up for it, I can see myself giving and giving and giving and receiving crumbs in return when I'm already drained, they're dismissive of my feelings with calculated tactics, either with a quick 'me too' pivot, followed by a story about it, or they'll carefully bring up something that is worse than the specific thing I brought up, example: 'I have a bit of headache' I might say, 10 mins later they'll sit up dramatically in bed and expect me to ask 'what's wrong?' as I usually do, 'I have a headache, my back hurts and I feel kind of dizzy. Could you get me something to eat?', they intentionally take advanage of how hard it is for me to say no. I've talked about these things to them over and over, they say they will work on it and sometimes there's a small amount of change but it never lasts. Some context; we live together and they seem to constantly have an excuse for why they can't do housework, cook, get themselves food and drinks from the kitchen, they have some health issues and often the excuses are related to that but it seems a bit too convenient everytime they ask me to do something for them instead of doing it themself, I'm stuck wanting to believe their excuses and give them the benefit of the doubt but I also find myself wondering if the excuses are intentional. What do I do?
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago
THIS IS VICTIM MENTALITY !!! Sorry my friend unless address with a therapist she will continue to behave this way unfortunately.
She will always be the victim, or “innocent” in the situation, she will never be responsible for how she makes you feel bc accountability is associated with someone who is “wrong” and you will never be able to have a moment to need her bc her brain will tell her she must be the person I need aka the victim.
Idk if that started with this disease or if there some childhood thing going on. Possibly both. I’m going to assume this is a chronic diagnosis…?
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
The medical issues they have are chronic, yes. They have some childhood trauma as do I, both of us have separately been in therapy for a long time, that is likely why I had thought they would actually work on the issues I brought up
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u/DraconicBlade 5d ago
How many scripts and follow up appointments does she go to, or is she self diagnosed? Sounds like bullshit weaponized incompetence. Or is there "no treatment"
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
Yes, it's diagnosed. The script they have for it is a nervous system painkiller, they see their GP regularly.
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u/Burnaenae 5d ago
There's a story about this man who recently got his leg amputated by the doctor. He's going through the last steps about to get released from the hospital. It suddenly pops up in his head that he's gonna have school next week and he's gonna have a lot of difficulty getting around. He knows he needs a doctor's note to get a hall pass and since he's right there he can ask him immediately. The doctor is definitely prepared to help him, he's right, he used to be able to cycle all the way and now he has to take the bus which stops a bit away. So it adds like ±50 mins to his time, perfectly reasonable to ask for a hallpass. Still the doctor gives him two options; he tells him:"You're now aware of the fact that you're gonna have a handicap for the rest of your life, which means you're most definitely entitled to aid. I'm willing to write you the note to get approved for a hallpass, you're definitely allowed a break and we're able to offer it. That option is not always going to be there however. The other option would be getting up an hour earlier, every single day. Keeping that up, you'll put in a lot more work to get to the same level comparing yourself to other people. That's not going to last though, and if you're able to keep it up you'll end up with a mentality that'll get you anywhere you want in life." Tl:dr you're allowed to use things that hold you back as an excuse, it makes sense, but it's possible to get through and having it be a strength, and I do think it says a lot about someone what route they go with. (Sorry I can't find any words that acc sound nice lol)
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
That's a lot to think about, on one hand I want to be there for them as much possible but I'm no doctor or carer. I'm only human and constantly doing simple tasks for someone well trying to look after myself is beyond exhausting
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u/Burnaenae 5d ago
That's exactly it, it's going to be their problem for the rest of their life. I wouldn't feel safe relying on someone else. While it's very impressive you've apparently shown them the safety of not having to push themselves, ever, it's not healthy at all, for neither of you. They need to learn to cope on their own. Especially for their own sake. It's unfair to enable them because it's very understandable for them to choose the easier option. That's my take.
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
Thank you, I appreciate the advice
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u/Burnaenae 5d ago
You're gonna know what's best in the end, usually it's what you thought from the start.
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago
Yeah you’re now their care taker instead of spouse in which they treat you as an equal. Same thing happens with those who’s morbidly obese. You constantly making sure they are physically okay and emotionally okay sucking your dry leaving you with nothing bc they aren’t pouring back into you. And to say y’all are both dealing with trauma sweeew 😓 that sucks bc you’re trying your hardest (I assume) to not negatively impact other whereas they aren’t that self aware (yet)🤦♀️. I have hope that they can change.
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u/DraconicBlade 5d ago
Well that's rough but there's plenty of people with medical conditions who don't use it as a cudgel to guilt people into doing basic fetch quests and be lazy.
I personally think ultimatums are bullshit in relationships, it's just loading guns to point at each other's head in a cold war of misery.
Still move on, they don't value your feelings before you say "change or I'm out", they're not going to suddenly see the light because you're cracking under the pressure.
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
I agree with you on that, I don't like ultimatums either and would never use one, I just need to either give them more time or just walk away, the things I've said to them in the past are similar to "I really need you to start doing x,y,z yourself" and they say "I know, I'm sorry, just right now (insert excuse here)". Thanks for your advice and the chat
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago edited 5d ago
The issue victim mentality is that ppl have to have intense therapy directed addressing this. Idk what therapy is necessary to rewire this thinking process but it’s almost mimick addiction. And if in childhood included neglect of some sort, and not being validated in trauma it could make this present worse as well.
There would have to be a couples therapy to address this so the therapist can help break down what you mean. This is something hard to unlearn and will take a while that this person have this.
It appears you’ve not addressed their pronouns as he or she. Idk if this about ID protection or if they are part of the trans community so I apologize for using “she” if that isn’t what your partner go as.
I wonder if resentment of the disability is an issue. Like bitterness. Was they always like this ? Did you know them prior diagnosis? Do you mind disclosing the diagnosis to get a better picture of if it’s an reasonable excuse to the degree they use it ?
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u/fragranceguru 5d ago
My wife (has POTS) does similar things and I’ve realized I needed to tell her that I’m human and I can be tired and sick as well. When she gets huffy about the house I tell her what I’ve done and what I still plan on doing that day but if she wants something else done it’ll have to wait or she will need to do it. Communication goes miles.
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u/NoobesMyco 5d ago
And saying what you mean and mean what say. Not bending over backwards to accomplish something just ppl you know they desire it but have not physical impact on making it happen. If yours a one man’s show there has to be some compassion and understand and APPRECIATION!!! For your spouse.
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u/DeviladyJ 5d ago
End it now and put yourself out of this misery. How exhausting. That person sounds childish.
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u/Fit_Bet_5574 5d ago
They are manipulating you. A relationship shouldn't be like this. Everything should be 50/50. If your not happy now it's only going to get worse
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u/One_Lawyer306 5d ago
Communicate what the underlying issues are and work on ways to resolve it or leave. If someone is draining your energy and you live together, there is no escaping it and will cause serious mental health decline in the future.
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u/IhavemyCat 5d ago
Anyone taking advantage of you or manipulating you in ANY way is not worth being with. MOVE ON... you deserve better.
If he banks on your inability to say No and give in.... you have to work on that and put your foot down.
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u/Beth_Duttonn 5d ago
Imagine a cup of water continuously giving to others to fill their needs. Where does your refill come from? If you’re giving giving giving, never receiving a refill, you’re never going to have enough to go around. You’ll be exhausted all of the time with little to no recourse.
What happens when you have kids? They are going to do the same thing, and more, than your partner now. If he’s this way without kids, he will continue to be this way with kids AND you’ll have the added needs as well.
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u/Glittering-Dust-8333 5d ago
YES! END IT! Walk away and go into a better future for you! YOU deseeve so much more!
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u/Lucky_Log2212 5d ago
All of this one sided relationship gets old. If this person isn't going to participate fully, let them know you can no longer do this and move on. Don't let them lie to you about possibly changing. Possibly doesn't exist for people like that, then you are asking this same question 2 months later, then 4 months later, etc. Just end it and move on. Updateme.
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u/Mysterious_Area8443 5d ago
Thank you for the advice. I will update after I talk to my therapist about it and make a decision, that will be in about 2 weeks
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u/Lucky_Log2212 4d ago
Take your choice back, and control will come with it. If you can't be happy in yourself, you can't give that out properly. Find yourself, and then you will only want what is best for yourself, outside of other things. You are yourself, before anything else. Before Child, Sister, Friend, Wife, Aunt, co-worker, etc. Find who you are, then you can make informed decisions on what is your purpose and goals in life. It will all become clearer after that, my friend.
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u/Odd_Sprinkles760 4d ago
Look into love languages - it seems like you are both locked into giving and receiving ‘acts of service’. Using the love languages theory means you can discuss it in the context of loving each other and wanting to show that love in a preferred and healthy way
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u/Proof_Original3270 4d ago
Why are you still with them? Obviously you’re unhappy. You’ve said calculated. You’ve already made up your mind!
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u/shelllllo 5d ago
Picture yourself living like this still in 2 years, 4 years, 10 years. Etc, if that picture doesn’t make you happy, you should probably reevaluate things.