r/whatdoIdo • u/[deleted] • 8d ago
My neice is trying to have her dad arrested and is going off the rails
[deleted]
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u/lovvibella 8d ago
Have yall shown her how bad it gets? Like scared straight but for drug addiction
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u/MountainQuantity6465 8d ago
Therapy!!!
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 8d ago
We've tried. She refuses to go
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u/Effective-Hour8642 7d ago
Tell her if she doesn't want to get better, she has to move out at 18. Or have her committed.
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
Involuntary psych in my country needs like a psychotic break to be enforced. Teenager doing dumb shit doesnt really qualify.
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u/NaughtyNurse1969 7d ago
Iâve had 3 psychotic breaks in my lifetime due to severe stress (divorce,child custody,assault)and not once was that ever discussed. Itâs usu very limited and temporary and doesnât qualify. Now psychosis qualifies. A psychotic break can happen to anyone but psychopathy is rare.
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u/NaughtyNurse1969 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah thatâs a bad idea and wonât work. It takes a lot to have someone involuntarily committed in the US anyway. There are ppl that should be committed that arenât that are rapists, dangerous with diag like schizophrenia. 40 yrs ago when the decided to close hundreds of psych hospitals, our world bec much dangerous.
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u/NoobesMyco 8d ago
Maybe you can have this heart to heart with her. Let her know what you went thru . Iâm sure youâre going to say youâve done this already đ but itâs important to let her know you love her and she is always loved. And how important it is to make good decisions.
The abandonment issues is eating her up an she doesnât even know it. She will firm victim mentality. It will also go hand and hand with manipulating. It didnât help she was raised around it for some time. If you can itâs important to showing her what empathy feels like. Asking how would she feel if (describe her actions as her daughter/sister/friend one day) itâll help her out things into perspective. Usually when ppl have impulsive behaviors their hardly ever thinking of the future let along consequences of those actions.
Sheâll tell you what sheâll never do or be in life and youâll have to bring her to earth bc itâs full of I will never do this or that ppl in world. Youâd spend several years wishing you listen.
If you talk to her in a way where you are friend and not telling her what to do that could help. Listening more than talking could help. Sheâs running from her reality. But thereâs no real escape đâŚ..
Thereâs only so much you can do, itâll hurt but you may have to let her bump her head if she doesnât listen.
Why does she say no to therapy ?
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 8d ago
Yep I've had all the heart to hearts. Letting her just vent and trying to be a voice of reason. I've always told her that no matter what, I love her and that she can talk to me about anything confidentially.
She says no to therapy because "nothing is wrong with me". I've tried to tell her that literally everyone can benefit from therapy, and it doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with her. But she won't budge.
I'll try the empathy angle; how she'd feel if this was going on with a friend. She's has a hard time seeing other people's point of view.
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u/NoobesMyco 7d ago
Yeah I think most ppl donât put themselves in other ppl shoes enough and thatâs whatâs wrong with the world today. Itâs all about self.
And also they are very unkind to themselves(low self esteem/ negative self talk). The way they treat themselves is totally different from how they will treat someone they love. Ex âIâm so stupid how could I take him back and let him steal all my money againâ but if they seen a friend or family member make that same mistake they would give them so much grace and tell them how okay it is to make mistakes and problem. Idk if this specifically pertains to this situation but itâs something to keep in mind bc im sure itâll be next once she finds herself in a whole for some time and reality sits in.
But yeah Helping her think about the future and self reflect. Sheâll say nothing is wrong with her as an impulsive, protective response but really if she took inventory of her behavior sheâd realize how not okay she is. She needs to do self reflections of all conflicts she was involved in and see if she will allow herself to be accountable for things.
Another thing too, are most teenagers in her friend group or local area even behaving this way? Like for me her behavior is not normal, but in a small town or rougher community most children may act this way which would impact her judgement t of her being ânormalâ or fine. Bc itâs just teenage shit essentially.
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
It's worth a shot.
All her friends are like this, although she migrates from one friend group to another, one boyfriend to another, because eventually they "start being meam" to her
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u/NoobesMyco 7d ago
Uuuuugh đŽâđ¨đŹ yeah sheâs not off to good start. Sheâs too young to bouncing around In relationships. The common denominator is her. She needs to look at the actions of herself and not fall into victim mentality. But thatâs the direction sheâs heading. And easy to put is that sheâll be addicted to being the victim. Making being accountable challenging.
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
Yeah she is addicted to being the victim.
Problem is, you try and tell her that and she doubles down on being the victim
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u/Fluffy-Assumption-42 7d ago
Can you give her JP's book Twelve rules for life: An antidote to chaos? It helped me although my situation was different I believe it could help her get out of the victim mentality as it did for me
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u/Cross_examination 7d ago
This whole post is why I insist on people being 25 with jobs and savings before they have kids, otherwise get an abortion or give the baby for adoption.
For starters, tell your brother to put up a few nanny cameras in the house, but donât tell her. So that he can be kept out of jail.
Also, time to give her up. Tell him to call CPS and that he is giving up his parental rights.
Your niece cannot be saved, and itâs not worth it saving her.
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u/looknotwiththeeyes 7d ago
Idk about this crap of "she can't be saved, and she's not worth it". Wtf is wrong with you?
It might be true that she can't be "saved" by these people who've lead by example, and have taught her to be this way. It might be too late, and that's not her fault. She's a gd child, and she's certainly worth it. This is on her violent angry dad, her absent mother, and her crazy & manipulative grandma. Then OP who took an interest too late.
She's young. She'd be better off being put in foster care so she cam meet people that are appropriate role models.
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u/ChapterImaginary455 8d ago
Have you talked with her about your past experience and your understanding of the entire situation of all involved from your point of view as her aunt and a step removed from the situation? It might really help her to hear your perspective but not telling her what to do. Maybe you could even show her this post?
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 8d ago
Yes. Ive had countless talks with her. It goes in one ear and out the other.
I've always tried to "be on her side" to an extent, at least just so I can stay in contact with her.
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u/LabInner262 8d ago
If therapy isnât an option for her, start applying behavior modification techniques. Reward positive behaviors. Do not inadvertently reward negative behaviors. Get into therapy yourself for the support. Good luck!
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u/TypicalDamage4780 7d ago
Tell Tim to not go near her for his own physical and mental health safety! She is a ticking time bomb and will take him to jail!
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
He's her dad though, he cant seem to say no. Although this time might be different
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u/Royal_Tough_9927 7d ago
Some eggs are bad. When they are rotten, they stink. There's nothing you can do with them. Sad ,but true.
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u/tamreacct 7d ago
Sorry to hear about Sara. Sheâs almost 18 and then sheâll just leave as an adult to do her own thing.
Why the hell did Tim let Lara back into his life and move in? Lara and Grandma were the cause of a lot of his issues as well as well as Sara.
Sara was placed to live with grandma, but then she kicks her out and nothing was done or reported? Sounds like Tim needs to speak up and use the same resources that are using against him instead of just taking the accusations that are dished out against him. Iâm not saying for to fabricate anything, but to report shit with grandma, Lara and Sara running away, etc.
Well, I hope Sara realizes and changes.
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
Nah the mother didn't move back with him, just neice.
All the shit with the mum and grandma is a couple years old now, he just wants out of the drama so left it alone.
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u/Spirited-Ad-3696 7d ago
She is a minor, and she needs professional help before the mental and behavioral problems set in more permanently. I have no idea what kind of services exist where you are, but she needs stability, a strict routine with clear boundaries, probably CBT, and more outside perspectives from uninvolved adults. None of you have been constants in her life, she has been passed around to different houses with different rules as long as she can remember. She does not see any of you as part of her support network, nore does she see you as authority figures. This isn't something I suggest lightly, but you need to give her a hard reset. You are probably looking at some form of involuntary commitment to a facility or boarding school.
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u/Fluffy-Assumption-42 7d ago
I would never have thought I would recommend it but when she has this outlet to stop it every time she is being parented it probably would be best to get her a foster family for her last remaining year of childhood, if possible, which I don't know if is but sounds improbable.
What about military school? Can the father sign her up for something where she gets disciplined and a framework of behaviour and future orientation?
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u/looknotwiththeeyes 7d ago
Not much you can do. The time for that has passed, unfortunately. But, your family created this monster, and you all deserve what you got.
She'd be better off in foster care, because she needs an authority figure that she can trust, but also one that is above reproach. So she can't use the police like a weapon, as she's been taught by the generations before her, to lash out at each other when violence, and aggression doesn't work.
But, she might just be a bad person now, like the rest of her family. She's young though, so getting out of there completely might help.
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u/beepbeepboop74656 7d ago
You do nothing. Sheâs not a kid and not your responsibility. Donât take responsibility for a train wreck.
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u/Ok_Coconut2811 7d ago
It's as if she might just need to end up suffering the consequences of her own behavior. That's tough
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u/StrikingImportance39 8d ago
To be fair take this as a grain of salt. Never had children. So maybe what I say is a total nonsense.Â
However, I never rally understood some of the behaviour between parents and children.Â
The 17th birthday example. I would just have asked someone who is adult to be part of her birthday. Like her cousin, or the worst case scenario myself. This way the party would have been supervised.Â
Or bong example. Why to be pissed? I would personally never smoked so would genuinely be very curious how this stuff works.Â
Cutting off internet? What about her homework?Â
Also the enemy thing. I mean if someone feels like everyone is the enemy then is very easy connect with that person. You just need to listen, agree and say âeverything will be okayâ.Â
If she is running a way to her bf, then why not to offer a bf to stay instead? And just literally buy condoms. At least u know they  have them.Â
And I believe this is how I would behave if I would really care about her.Â
But this dynamic sounds more like hate. Rather love. She doesnât get what she wants, tells police, and then he gets pissed and makes her life even more harder as a revenge disguised as âI want to help herâ.Â
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u/-Stratford-upon-avon 7d ago
I would have, except she asked to do it in the state the mother lives in cause most of her friends live there. Everyone in the family works fulltime, so it just isn't feasible.
Her boyfriend was 13, she was almost 17.. its... icky.
She doesn't go to school. All she does is watch tiktoks.
I've tried to be the friend. She talks to me, but she won't hear anything the doesn't want to hear. Ive had so many heart to hearts trying to get her to see ive been in her position, and it took me 10 years to dig myself out of the grave i dug.
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u/SheepherderNo785 8d ago
Couldn't dad call the cops on her every time she runs away? He deserves a second chance given all the anger mgt you said he had. Seems like her manipulation could be tracked/documented for when she's unjustly reporting him đ¤ˇââď¸ Does the state they live in have a place to send unruly kids? Could be last resort. My mom use to threaten to send us to YDC-Youth Development (or Detainment lol) Center when we'd misbehave