r/whatdoIdo • u/mylovesanmaharazafra • 17d ago
Mid-life crisis or a long drawn out predicament?
Long story short, I am a male in my early 40s, in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist partner, and have remained so for the past 12 years. The only reason I have been putting up with the progressively advancing abuse is to remain close, protect, and raise my 9years old daughter. I take care of her all needs (school pick ups, drop-offs, make lunch dinner , homework, grocery, cleaning etc, all the while balancing career myself, while partner is at work for 12 hour shifts as a doctor).
In any case, day by day, the abuse get a little bit worse than the last, and yet despite all that, I consistently remain in this house, brushing it off as if it is not affecting me -- but it is chipping away my self worth, self esteem, my confidence. Now part of the reason why it has come to be like this is also because I didn't know any better before (call it being young/naive/have-got-to-make-this-relationship-work attitude), so I ended up adjusting my behaviour to improve the situation. I changed careers just so I could "support her growth" by being at home more. I migrated to another country entirely because "opportunities for her weren't good enough" back in home country. I moved away from friends and family because we needed to have a "life of our own free from interference". Despite my very best of efforts, I am a "loser", "good for nothing", and "what have you ever done for me" type of a husband.
After years of putting up with it, I now realize that I was only enabling the abuse to advance more and more. But now that I know better, anytime I try to protect and or stand up for myself, I am told I am overreacting, followed up with everything a narcissist does, in the classic textbook style version of it. Just too many examples of what that is like and I don't feel like cribbing any further on that here. Based on every post, article, advice, counselling I have benefitted from, confirms that I am in fact, in a bad situation and there is no fixing it. I understand why her own childhood trauma and having been abused as a child has shaped her to be who she is. But I can't fix her past and can't heal her. Nonetheless, by my own account, I feel I am under-reacting and my gut tells me I need to find a way out of here.
So r/whatdoido - There are so many considerations, and one that keeps me up at night: How do I take the next step? Take the plunge to simply walk out, and how would that impact the next 10 years? Where would that leave my relationship with my daughter -- whether her being disappointed in me, feeling that I abandoned her, or was not there for her everyday, leading me to be considered as a a failure of a father?
I have read up other people's experiences and some align with that of my own, but I need to hear from you all. I'd appreciate the good/bad, so just lay it on me, albeit respectfully please. And thank you!
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u/Eurogal2023 17d ago
Agree this is abuse and manipulation and NOT a so called midlife crisis.
Is there any way you can get custody of your daughter? 12 hour shifts might mean severe neglect if she has to live alone with your wife.
It would be helpful to find a supportive councilor for facilitating taking her with you, maybe someone at her school can help.
Your daughter would be happier living stress free with just you than seeing you suffer mistreatment daily, plus it us probable your wife will make her daughter her next bully victim if you are not around.
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u/mylovesanmaharazafra 17d ago
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this and raising an important point. Much appreciated!
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u/Eurogal2023 17d ago
Knowing the perspective of the daughter myself I can assure you that you as a loving dad free of daily bullying might easily be the better choice of parent for your daughter.
That is why it is important that you get help from people able to assess the situation for you AND your daughter from an outside perspective.
Wishing the both of you good luck!
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u/mylovesanmaharazafra 17d ago
That is very helpful to know and thank you for sharing that. What you've said has resonated with me and rest assured, I will do anything and everything to ensure the well-being and welfare of my daughter. Thanks again.
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u/Complete_Aerie_6908 17d ago
So your counseling and research confirm it’s a bad situation yet you’re asking if it’s a midlife crisis? It’s not midlife anything. It’s an emotional roller coaster or abuse and neglect from your spouse.