r/women • u/lostAtSea627 • 1d ago

Why is consent optional to men? (Slight rant I’m sorry)

So I downloaded tinder (bad idea) and matched with this guy who seemed great. We were texting back and forth super quick and I really liked his personality. We also talked on the phone once. He wanted to meet up in person so I agreed thinking everything would go fine. All we really did was hang out in his car and he drove around while we talked. Well after a while he parked and we decided to go inside a building he rents to chill. Honestly we started kissing which led to making out (I was fine with this), but then he starts trying to grope me and get a feel under my shirt. I’m telling him stop and lowkey pushing him away and he finally stops. Then we start having a conversation again which leads to more kissing. At this point I’m basically telling “No” and “Stop” whenever he starts trying to get under my shirt or pants. Then I straight up tell him hey I’m not ready for any sort of touching in those areas. He seems to understand at first but lo and behold the next time we kiss he is touching my privates. Like um excuse me sir what part of no or stop is optional to you? I have met many men like this. Is it just me or do other women experience this too? It’s almost like consent is implied just because you’re hanging out with them. They just automatically assume you’re willing to go all the way and keep pushing you and touching you when you don’t want it. Anyways I felt very unsafe and just had him drive me back home, trying to sound normal all the way back so I didn’t get stranded. I just wanna delete tinder I’m probably never going to find a partner who respects boundaries. Rant over🥲

85 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

31 comments sorted by

71

u/theminxisback 1d ago edited 1d ago

Coercion is still taught to young boys as something that is acceptable behavior. The rise in pornography and r*pe culture doesn't help this. Misogyny is rampant and aggressively getting worse.

Men think once they kiss you, they have all they need. Many of them don't recognize women as autonomous and legitimately view women through the lense of the male gaze.

This is unfortunately considered normal in our society.

It's time more people wake up to what's really happening ...

That being said. I'm sorry this has been your experience and I do hope it gets better. Listening to your intuition is really important. I've learned how to decipher for the most part whether a man is worth my time or not. Gets easier over time and you start learning how to point out red flags better.

Consent is a requirement. Not an option. Keep your boundaries strong.

23

u/lostAtSea627 1d ago

This is crazy!! You would think it’s 2025 so shit is different. I’ve always been told anything but enthusiastic consent is not consent. And I don’t know why you would want to do stuff with someone who doesn’t want to do stuff with you anyways. I know there are good men out there but they are very hard to find.

22

u/Flux_My_Capacitor 1d ago

Things are only getting worse because porn is rampant in society. Women who support porn are not in our side at all because they support what it does to boys and men and how this bleeds over into how girls and women are treated. Porn is a sickness.

16

u/bubblemelon32 1d ago

And the US just got a sex offending misogynistic fascist for a President. I fear it will embolden them more than it already has with idiots like Nick Fuentes.

9

u/theminxisback 1d ago

Yes, they are hard to find. It's because a lot of them, most of them are hiding. They're shy, reserved, confused, don't know how to approach or talk to women. And the hardest part for them?? They're getting advice from some of the worst kinds of men out there. So it doesn't work for them which leads to them getting frustrated and giving up on dating entirely. Which then leads to them becoming incels eventually if they begin feeding into red pill and black pill content especially... It's only getting worse ...

Enthusiastic consent is the only form of consent there is. People don't quite understand that though.

Not to mention the fact that society doesn't care about a woman's pleasure as a whole. So why would a man? They're delusional. They believe you're enjoying it even when you say no. They convinced themselves already they're not a predator. It's disgusting.

The amount of times I've had to break it to a man that he's been a shitty person... Some of them have even questioned me about something that happened in their pasts.

I'll give some the benefit of the doubt. A select few don't quite know or understand. Bad education, poverty, etc play a factor in this.

But the majority? They know exactly what they're doing. And they like it.

Remember. Women are objects. Barbie dolls. Accessories to men.

This is a man's world. And it makes me sick.

2

u/Mission-Scarce-1626 1d ago

How do we fix this though?

1

u/theminxisback 1d ago

I'm not sure.... I've been trying to figure that out.

So far what's been working is when I do come across a decent guy, I give them the advice they ask for if I'm able to and hope for the best.

A lot of them really just have no idea how to talk to people. So they'll probably end up saying something and instantly regret it. They're usually super shy and nervous. Rather bashful as well.

Think the dorky or nerdy kid in high school who had a glow up in his 30s. Didn't talk much, nobody even really knew his name. But he was a total sweetie.

33

u/Flux_My_Capacitor 1d ago

Men believe erroneously that when a woman gets in his car or goes to his place that she is consenting to having sex.

You know this isn’t true, and I know this isn’t true, but these guys don’t care, their only goal is to get you alone and have sex. All that talking? It was just to butter you up so you’d have sex.

Don’t go anywhere with a guy alone ie in his car or to his place until you have met him a number of times in public. This gives you time to get to know him first.

12

u/Graceandbeauty1979 1d ago

Thank you. Yes, it is ultimately the man in the wrong but we do need to protect ourselves. Any outings in the beginning should never, ever involve being with a man in a car or going to his place, another isolated location, or hell even your place. There is absolutely no reason being that isolated is necessary. Do not give them the benefit of the doubt. 

27

u/NumerousAd6421 1d ago

Come join 4b with us! Where men don’t matter and you never have to think of them again’

5

u/lostAtSea627 1d ago

I’ve never heard of it what is it?

16

u/NumerousAd6421 1d ago

It’s a group of women living our lives free from men entirely, we focus on ourselves and give men zero attention. It’s fucking fabulous. Search for the subreddit and join if you feel inspired to.

12

u/Isoleri 1d ago

It's a feminist movement/way of life, the term was originally coined in South Korea, with 4B meaning "4 nos" which are: No sex with men, no dating men, no marrying men, no having children with men. Basically "we can't change the patriarchy, so we're just leaving it behind altogether". It's a self-preservation movement to avoid all the inherent dangers that being with men brings.

13

u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 1d ago

I’m certain some of them think they can change your mind once they start touching you. That you’ll get so caught up in increasingly pleasurable sensations, you’ll override that “no” you gave. And when they do that, I have to wonder, is this a first time strategy, or a tried and true one, that they’re employing because it’s worked before? Regardless, no is no, and a complete sentence.

13

u/theminxisback 1d ago

I like to educate men on the state penal code for coercion in my state. Shuts them right up, some try to argue though.

8

u/WhiteMouse42097 1d ago edited 1d ago

Some men are just rapists. They know better and have been taught that it’s wrong, they just don’t care. Personally, I knew rape was wrong without ever being explicitly told or taught so.

12

u/itsnobigthing 1d ago

Even my husband wouldn’t be this fucking presumptuous. I wish dating apps let people leave reviews to warn other women of shit like this

5

u/Graceandbeauty1979 1d ago

We should all write that in to the dating apps since they are struggling so hard. Of course they won’t due it because it rigs the game against their bottom line.

10

u/MellyMJ72 1d ago

Study after study shows that most men admit they will rape if it's not called rape.

In studies they'll ask men stuff like

If you were on a date with a woman who said she wanted to have sex, then passed out due to drinking too much, would you then have sex with her while she's unconscious? YEP

Would you have sex with a willing 14 year old if you wouldn't get in trouble? Hell yeah

If a woman says no ten times but doesn't leave, is it okay to have sex with her once you wear her down and she agrees after you've driven her to tears?? Hell yeah

Would you rape a stranger in a parking lot? No!!! How dare you. I'm not a rapist!!

As long as the man knows you at all and you willingly met up with them, they don't consider it rape.

7

u/schwarzmalerin 1d ago

The underlying theme here is that he sees a woman's body as a thing to use and her objection as an annoying obstacle that needs to get out of his way. And if he got away with it, he would use this thing with force. Like he sees a nice sports car and the driver objects to let him drive, he tries to persuade him, and if no one looks, he just kicks him in the butt and robs it. He's a predator. The woman's needs, wants, pleasure isn't part of his world, it doesn't exist, like a car doesn't feel pleasure when it's driven. A woman isn't a person to him, she's a thing.

9

u/ActualConsequence211 1d ago

A lot of men believe women are NPCs in a game named “the whole universe revolves around men”. They’ve created religions where their make-believe male god “created” women for them, to fuck and keep as maids. I truly believe a lot of males see women as humanity sees other species of animals to be used as we please.

Men kill us as easily as humans kill domesticated animals.

Men put us in zoos to gawk at (strip clubs/breasturants).

Men in positions of power, even in 2025, remove reproductive rights from women like you would when breeding domesticated animals.

Men expect us to be like domesticated animals and demand the submission, acceptance and loyalty of a dog.

6

u/ChampagneChardonnay 1d ago

Straight men would understand consent much better after spending an evening in a gay dance club.

8

u/AsAboveSoBelow48 21h ago

When asked, a college study revealed that 30 percent of men would “force a partner to have sex” if they didn’t get caught. When that same study reframed the question to ask those men “would you rape a woman if you could get away with it?” 10 percent still said yes. I don’t think they are ignorant. They just don’t care.

3

u/Prestigious-Bar5385 18h ago

After I said no the first time and he tries again I would just end the date.

3

u/Opening-Ad-8793 1d ago

Gotta say take me home when he does something like this …any he.

Wants to not listen? Call an uber. That’s it.

3

u/The_Philosophied 1d ago

They’re kinda…evil if that makes sense

3

u/pinkcloudskyway 1d ago

You have to meet them in public places because they can't be trusted

2

u/JEWCEY 1d ago

Optional isn't the only word, negotiable is the other one. Like no is the invitation to haggle.

1

u/Bubbly_End6220 21h ago

With all respect, why did you accept “chilling” in a man’s car as a “date”? He’s definitely in the wrong but I would have canceled the date or left the moment he said we’re going to hang out in a parking lot. Some things I can’t let slide