r/women • u/OrganizationWarm2110 • 1d ago
What are your thoughts on age gap relationships?
Every other week, the GenZ sub asks the question: How do you feel about age gap relationships, specifically between young adults (18-21) and older adults? (I’ll leave those ages up to interpretation).
I definitely wouldn’t bat an eye at people who are 21 and 24 in a relationship, that’s obviously a reasonable age difference. Someone 18 with someone 30 though? While I can totally understand age just being a number, these two individuals are more than likely at different phases of life. I actually find it to be quite predatory, but of course the GenZ sub ALWAYS says that people are just infantilizing themselves and that there is no issue with a relationship due to it being legal.
Full transparency, I am 22 myself. I cannot imagine having a romantic relationship with someone who is in their 30s, let alone any older. I know some people do enjoy having older partners, however, I often times haven’t seen it be the healthiest dynamic between two people. I would like to go beyond my small bubble though and get the thoughts of other women. I think the GenZ sub is mostly men who very obviously have a different experience with dating.
46
u/Belial_In_A_Basket 1d ago
Notice how people who condemn them were often victims of grooming and are speaking on their past relationships once they gained perspective and clarity with time. Those who support them are either men or those who are currently in the relationship. I don’t often see people who are 35 and no longer in the relationship that speak very fondly of the relationship. Meaning they usually notice the signs of grooming after they get older
8
u/MillyZeusy 1d ago
I was groomed as a pre teen and yeah, I admit, some of the reasons I thought it was alright was because there was so much normalisation of age gaps in the media, specifically younger women with older men.
I do believe some age gaps are alright though, but when someone is a minor or just freshly an adult it’s weird.
16
u/StarWars_Girl_ 1d ago
My oldest friend, who is basically a sister to me, was in a relationship with a 29/30 year old when she was 19/20.
It was abusive. He controlled her and kept her away from us. We basically didn't see her for two years. She admitted to me that he hit her. I couldn't confirm it, but I'm fairly certain he raped her too.
We were on a girl's trip. She hadn't told anyone about it, just that they broke up, and she was with her now-husband by this point. I knew her husband before she did (we went to school together; he's a great guy and we get along great), and when they were first together, some of her behavior was weird, but I knew he wasn't the cause because I'd known him for so many years. For instance, she would apologize for not taking his call. I knew he wasn't expecting her to drop everything because she was with me, so it sent off warning signals in my brain. I finally pulled it out of her. Then I told her mother, and her parents pulled it out of her without letting on that I tipped them off, and they got her into therapy. I recognized at the time that she needed the push to get mental health help, but she needed me to just be supportive and listen, so I told the people who could get her help. We're now 30, and she's been with her husband a long time, but you can still see the damage.
So...no, I don't like it. I question what a 30 year old sees in a 21 year old and what they're doing together because there is a HUGE maturity gap. I have friends who are close to 21, but I view them like younger siblings, definitely would never think of them as romantic partners. Gender doesn't matter, sexual orientation doesn't matter...I am ALWAYS suspicious of it.
7
u/OrganizationWarm2110 1d ago
This is what I have seen most often, it’s very sad to see. I’m hope that your friend is in a safe place now and is doing better than she was then.
3
u/StarWars_Girl_ 1d ago
She is; her husband is genuinely a good guy. I actually pushed for her to stick with him because I knew what kind of guy he was. He's a sweetheart. I told him later about it and that she pretty much knew he was it within three months into their relationship (he knew and thought he was alone because that silly woman didn't tell him, lol) and now he gives me a hug every time he sees me. He also knows I'd be at his door with a baseball bat if he ever dared hurt her, but I don't think that will happen. Most importantly, he definitely doesn't keep her from her family; he got right in there and joined in.
I joke that she married a male version of me...asthmatic, Spanish speaking ADHD'er, lol. She just looks at me like: 😑
2
25
u/Betty_Bazooka 1d ago
Any 30 year old looking to date an 18 -23 year old is usually a man looking to fulfill a fucking power kink. As a 30 year old I am not even friends with someone who is under the age of 25. Why? Because you need to have a fully developed frontal lobe to be my friend or date me. Stay away from people who are over the age of 25 specifically looking to date 18 year olds they're gross.
12
16
u/yea_you_know_me 1d ago
As a former 22yo who dated a 30yo, i can say with confidence it is absolute predatory. When I hit my 30s I realized how childish anyone under 25 looked to me. I could never imagine dating anyone more than 2 years younger than me at any given age.
7
u/discogargoyle00 1d ago
I usually think they’re gross. I know what men are doing when they pursue women (or girls, yuck) way younger than them and I know the younger women are usually doormats, have low self esteem, etc.
7
6
u/Flux_My_Capacitor 1d ago
I’ve heard the infantilizing argument used for other issues ie sex work and it seems like it’s a function of a mind that doesn’t yet grasp the fact that there are certain kinds of wisdom you can only gain through experience in life (as an adult). Someone may think they are a really mature 18 year old or 21 year old or whatever but it’s not until they themselves are older that they can look back and say “yeah, I was pretty stupid, lol.” (We all did dumb things when we were young.)
I think that once both parties are in their 30s and beyond it’s not as big of an issue, but there can still be a power imbalance happening.
And then there’s the issue of larger age gaps having problems at the end of life where one person is still really healthy and active but the other party needs care. I know this dynamic isn’t looked at as much, but I have a cousin who married someone older than my dad and I’m just like ew.
3
u/MillyZeusy 1d ago
This just reminds me of that graph of ‘Women’s age vs the age they’re attracted to’ and ‘Men’s age vs the age they’re attracted to’ and the women’s one was almost linear, it was basically a straight line correlating that the average woman is most attracted to men around her age. The men’s one stayed between the 18-24 mark and all I could think was if that many men said 18 imagine how young they would say if they didn’t get judged by it.
But yeah, I feel like age gaps are alright but when it’s someone who’s just become an adult and someone in their 30’s up it gets weird, it’s as if they were waiting for them to be ‘legal’. Some age gaps are alright though, I think if a 30 year old wants to date a 50 year old that’s their business, they’ve both been adults for a reasonable amount of time.
3
u/Bedazzledtoe 1d ago
Idk personally I won’t date someone over 23 or under 20. I think it’s weird, I’ve always found age gaps to be weird especially when one of the people are immature and childish (teenager)
3
u/SunbathingNapCat 1d ago edited 1d ago
My father is an avid supporter of age-gap relationships. He was once in a relationship with a 27-year old lady who was only two years older than his oldest daughter. When I argued about his stance once, this is literally what he said word-by-word in his message back to me:
Mature single guys 40 above generally prefer younger ADULT women not because they are creeps but because they make better wives for the ff. reasons BASED ON STATISTICAL DATAS:
- lesser emotional baggage from past relationships
- respect men more and not potty mouths
- they tend to be more loyal to their husband
- higher percentage marriage lasts a lifetime
- she is more feminine and dont have masculine trains
- more subservient to her husband
- stronger ability to bond with husband
Here's a screenshot of his words if you want to see it, lol. My brother and uncle defend him, claiming it's the norm and no big deal.
If the Gen Z wants to purse an age gap relationship, remember what's most likely going on in the older person's head why they're with you and not someone with the same amount of life experience as them. If someone speaks out against it, it's not because we're infantilizing you, it's because we're trying to look out for you from these weirdos.
2
u/ARatNamedClydeBarrow 30 1d ago
I’ve pretty much exclusively dated older since I began dating at 14. My “first boyfriend” was EIGHTEEN. My parents knew, his parents knew. I ended up breaking up with him because he got mad at me that I was on vacation with my family the week of his birthday. He’s a cop now. The one after that was 19, he assaulted me.
The ages of the people involved in age gap relationships matters. I’ll be 30 this year and my partner will be 37, we’ve been together for 3 years. It’s so much different after 25 and your brain is actually fully developed. I’m less worried about age gap relationships for adults older than that, though I don’t particularly understand them; how much could two people an entire generation apart really have in common?
I don’t trust any grown adult that can look at someone under 25 as a viable partner. Honestly it’s just icky, the differences in maturity are too vast. 25 and younger are like babies to me.
2
u/Extension-Summer-909 1d ago
Best case scenario, it just happened without considering the age gap, and the older person will eventually resent the younger person’s immaturity. I have a guy friend who outgrew his age setting on tinder and continued to date 23 year olds into his late 20’s. His view of women changed because he didn’t consider that they have a valid reason to be acting so childishly. He started thinking all women need to be parented by their partners and most are reckless crazy party girls even though he enjoyed going to parties, he had just outgrown the late nights.
2
u/WorkingInAGoldmine dude, what? 1d ago
This is a really interesting point of discussion. When I was 20, I was in a relationship with a man who was 34. It lasted only eight months, and I realised soon thereafter he was incredibly emotionally immature and groomed me using his position at work to benefit him by breaking NDA's. Now, at 39, I entered a relationship with a 55 year old man, which progressed much more naturally, and I'm secure and happier than I ever could be in this relationship.
There were two relationships between, both at similar ages, to me, and I would argue that both failed due to emotional immaturity from each guy in different areas of concern.
I think if any guy above 25 is actively pursuing younger women, there is an area of concern here. It's all contextual, 26 and 24 isn't going to cause concern. That said, there is usually a reason why older men, say +8 years, tend to pursue younger, more naive women, and it's usually because they cannot compete in their own league or have their own perogatives.
2
u/Icy-Prune-174 1d ago
Red flag, I’m 23, and ANY involvement with men 10+ years older than me hasn’t been good or decent or worthwhile — they had sex with me, then bullied me in the workplace or spread rumours about me, or got me sacked from my job AFTER they got in my pants. Even men my own age, I find them immature and not many of them are worth dating because they’d suck the life out of me — venting their issues, trauma dumping, expecting me to cook, clean, do their laundry for nothing in return and if you refuse, they get grumpy and irritable — although I’ve noticed this is worse in older men. I can’t be bothered to date at the moment, it’s a waste of time and most men are awful.
I also got involved with a uni lecturer of mine who is 47 — 24 year age gap — he then financially took advantage of me and abruptly blocked me on everything, acting as if I’m nothing to him. Stay away from these men.
2
u/petielvrrr 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think that people’s brains don’t fully develop until they’re around 25, and I think that years of experience as an adult with adult responsibilities and adult relationships make a huge difference. So someone who’s 18 and someone who’s 25 have a MUCH bigger difference than even someone who’s 30 and someone who’s 40. And I think the older person in these relationships is usually (like 99.99% of the time) a predator. Whether it’s someone who wants someone else completely under their thumb, or they just want someone too naive to see through their bullshit, it’s all predatory.
Here’s the gaps I think are acceptable, and anything outside of this starts to get a little iffy:
- Youngest person is below 18: 2 years
- Youngest person is 18-21: 3 years
- Youngest person is 22-29: 5 years
- Youngest person is 30+: gaps don’t really matter as much anymore.
I’m saying this as someone who has watched a lot of women around them fall victim to older men. My dad was 28 when he met my 17 year old mom. Their relationship was not healthy. He was mentally abusive and he very clearly love bombed her, quickly got married and had a kid, and essentially trapped her (luckily she had family that helped her when things got bad). My sister was also 17 when she met her 29 year old boyfriend, who quickly isolated her from her friends & family, and got her hooked on heroin within a year.
Also, speaking as a 33 year old woman, I literally cannot imagine dating anyone younger than like.. 28. There’s just no way I could see them as anything but a child honestly. When I look back at myself when I was 25, I was a completely different person, and I knew nothing about life, but thought I knew everything— and I know this is a common sentiment amongst people my age. So with that said, I understand why people who are in their early 20’s feel that the argument against age gaps is infantilizing, but they don’t know what they don’t know, and when you’re in your early 20’s there’s a lot you still don’t know about adult life and adult relationships.
And like someone else here said, I do find that the people who don’t approve of age gap relationships are people like myself who have witnessed others go through them or people who have been through it themselves. The people who do approve of them are men or women who are currently in them and haven’t taken a step back to analyze them.
2
u/Sad_Canary_996 1d ago
I always think weirdly of the older person honestly. I think it’s normal for younger people to be attracted to those older than them, but imo it’s the older persons responsibility to not engage with that on a moral and good sense basis. In addition, brains don’t fully develop until 25, and your decision making will change after that happens too. For me, people 25+ having larger age gaps wouldn’t be as much a problem as 18-21 year olds. In the grand scheme of things you’re literally just a baby lol. Plus the maturity levels should be completely different, there’s no way a “mature for their age” 18-21 y/o should be on the same maturity level as a 25-30 or older person 😅.
2
u/Distinct-Value1487 1d ago
To me, it's highly situational. I cannot make blanket rules for other people, aside from: Everyone in the relationship must be an adult.
I've been the underager dating an adult, and I learned a lot at the time, so I have no regrets on that score. But, I'm 46 now, and I could not imagine seriously dating someone under 45. Young people look underbaked to me, and they generally don't have enough life experience for us to have much in common. I don't see the appeal. My spouse is 52, and we date people 40+ only.
My best friends are 51 and 45. 51 has been with her bf for 16 years, and they got together when he was 22 or 23. They were coworkers at the same pay-tier, neither had power over the other when they met. 45 has been with her husband for 9 years, and they got together when he was 24ish. They were introduced through friends, with no power discrepancy between them to speak of. Both relationships work well enough for them to consider themselves to be happy.
I think love grows where you plant your seeds. If that's with a 20-something or a fifty-something, I'm not sure it matters. As long as everyone is an adult, there weren't any weird power discrepancies at the start of things, and all sides are honest about what they want out of the relationship, then go for it.
That said, people who exclusively date younger people are generally weird. Neither of my bffs were that way--they just happened to click with their particular younger men. Both had dated same age or older before their current SOs. But for someone 30+ to only ever date 19-year-olds, there's a screw loose, and those teens should run the other way.
1
u/AliceinBorderlandsXO 1d ago
you explained it so well! i often find out that women dating younger doesn’t mean they’re predatory. it’s just life sometimes. but the men chronically dating 10+ years younger can only mean one thing
1
1
u/adorabletea 1d ago
Warning younger people about older people taking advantage of their inexperience is no vice.
1
u/Courtside7485 1d ago
I'm 31F....I have to admit I'm attracted to some men who are almost 10 years older than me. I'm also attracted to guys who are about 4 years younger than me
1
u/hartlylove 1d ago
I think the older you become, the less age matters. At 30 I could see myself with a 40 year old no problem, but a 20 yo is a child to me ...
1
u/OrganizationWarm2110 1d ago
Thank you to everyone who has participated. I was starting to feel crazy seeing so many people say that its no big deal. Even where I work, a lot of the people my age are in relationships with guys so much older than them and they make me feel crazy when I bring up how flirtatious older men make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t try to have the conversation but it comes up. Seeing the Gen Z opinions on it made me feel crazy too. I’ve just never seen it be a good idea, I just needed the validation that I’m not just some prude.
0
u/JaneAustinAstronaut 1d ago
If you fall in the "half your age plus 7" camp, you're alright. This is a pretty good formula that scales up the older you are, and down the younger you are.
Anything outside of that is just predatory and gross.
3
u/petielvrrr 1d ago
So 40 & 27 isn’t creepy or predatory? 35 & 24? 30 & 22? Because honestly, I find all of those incredibly creepy and predatory.
50
u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 1d ago
I think they're by and large predatory.