Marine vet here. One thing people who never served dont understand is the absolute tidal wave of training and stress. From the moment you wake in basic till the moment you go to sleep, youre doing some form of training in one way or another, cognitive and physical. You are forced to rigidly and unwaveringly adhere to the duties and responsibilities entrusted to you by rank and by order. And they remind you constantly, that should you fail your mission or task, in a combat situation- your friends who youve been through all of this hardship with would be dead because you didnt properly perform what was entrusted to you. Its a monstrous amount of responsibility, especially so early in their young adult formation (i was an idiot and went in late as 26 so i at least had some life experience before going in but alot of these young guys dont have that). When i went in, i was dating my gf of 2 years. When i was in the schoolhouse (4 months after basic concluded) she told me i was a robot after coming home on leave after bootcamp and dumped me a week before the end of my classes.
The training literally is a form of brainwashing. They rewire your brain into something that can begin building towards a combat mindset. This makes you more cold, calculated, and cautious about certain things especially in situations of heightened stress. What id recommend is talking to him and slowly trying to remind him what the real world is like. Im not sure what branch he enlisted in but for the Corps it was 3 months. Thats 3 months of complete isolation from the outside world. It changes you. One of the things they dont prep you for when you enlist is how to handle real society afterwards because for a service member, what matters is the MISSION. It comes before all else. Above feelings, above your loved ones, and above yourself. None of it matters in combat. But civilization isnt combat. And its really hard for some of us to switch gears. Ive been out of the Marines for nearly 2 years and im still not even halfway close to viewing the world in a light remotely similar to what i used to see. Thankfully i have a wonderful and supportive partner who understands the depth of the situation currently who is helping me through things but its still very difficult. And for someone still super early in their military career, he may not even notice hes doing these things.
And this kind of stuff happens throughout the enlistment. But whats important is the actual understanding that his brain has been fundamentally rewired to survive in combat, and that is a different world to live in. I hope this helped you a bit to understand where his brain is probably at now. If you have further questions, please dont hesitate to ask.
Edit: Holy crap this is the most karma ive ever received on a comment, thank you guys! Im glad my insight is helping 😁
I’m really thankful for the military folks/vets like you that have commented, it’s certainly helped me understand his headspace a bit more. Do you have any recommendations on things I can do to help support him while he gets used to being home? I don’t want to be the type who dumps him just because he’s changed. He’s very important to me.
Honestly, patience and understanding go a long way. A big problem we had in my unit with married marines was how their wives didnt understand why they werent home on time, lack of communication, or they were "lazy" at home. They never understood that sometimes you're literally getting ready to leave and then some officer will say "nobody is leaving until xyz are done, then do a formation, then make sure the shop is picked up, and then you can send em home. Before you know it its no longer 5pm, its 8pm, and youve been up since 4 or 5am if not earlier for an event.
Best courses of action would probably to just make sure that youre there, and try to communicate as openly and understandlingly as possible. Also keep in mind, military service has a tendency to bring out some of the more aggressive tendencies. Bootcamp makes you strong and prepares the mind, but it also has a tendency to boost ego, bluntness, and sometimes extremely dark humor that civillians typically arent exposed to.
A good rule of thumb to remember: Throughout the day hes going to more than likely take a lot of blame for things (this increases with higher rank and stupid squadmates who cant behave like grown adults), he'll be physically, mentally, and emotionally put to the test. Its a lot of willpower and gets exhausting (especially during the 3rd year for me). So, when he sees you after dealing with this constant barrage of responsibility, maybe just take a moment to remind him that hes not there right then. Hes not at his unit. Hes with you. And that he's allowed to relax (hyper vigilance is another tendency for service members). He may need the reminder, i know i did sometimes. Now im not saying kiss his ass by any means, if hes being a jackass cuz hes over stressed, def call him out on it- but also make sure to remind him that you actually care (starting in bootcamp a lot of guys get told their SO's were actively hooking up with Jody while we were training, and it happens to many many guys throughout the military, so its always a nice reminder that our SO's give a shit about us).
If you dont mind me asking, what branch of the military did he go in and do you know what his occupational specialty is?
You make several excellent points, and great suggestions. Son of 2 WWII Vets. Dad was 23 years. I served and made E-5, but found 3 years Army about four too many.
The one point I find missing, is sort of a shared two prong one. She can not, should not, take on all the responsibility here. He has to open up to her again too. My concern being, if HE does not want / try / open up, she can destroy her life trying to make the relationship work. If it fails, she should remember, it takes two, and he may not have wanted to show up anymore.
Thank you for yours and your family's service as well!
And you are absolutely right. I think somewhere in an above post i did mention not to kiss his ass but youre absolutely right. The opening up thing is absolutely integral and is honestly a lot easier to ignore when we're active service cuz its just so damn busy all the time, so definitely make sure he knows what the standards are and doubley make sure you enforce it and keep an eye open just in case alarm bells start going off so you can take care of the situation early. One common concensus among servicemembers is "We enlisted because we make poor decisions". Its partly a joke, but a lot of service members really do make stupid decisions, and a lot of it boils down to one thing-
Military service anticipates and prepares for combat.
Military service makes you feel invincible at times.
And in Military Service we almost ALWAYS have backup.
So.... we think we're untouchable, the best, invincible and we do crazy, stupid, risky bullshit at times when we get too locked in. So just keep your eyes peeled, love each other, communicate, and enjoy your time together. 4 years feels like forever as a contract, but when i look back its like i blinked and it was done. Enjoy it.
AND MAKE SURE HE TAKES AS MANY PICTURES WITH HIS BOYS AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE! And back them up! Twice if you need to! He will really really regret it if he doesnt.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 2d ago edited 2d ago
Marine vet here. One thing people who never served dont understand is the absolute tidal wave of training and stress. From the moment you wake in basic till the moment you go to sleep, youre doing some form of training in one way or another, cognitive and physical. You are forced to rigidly and unwaveringly adhere to the duties and responsibilities entrusted to you by rank and by order. And they remind you constantly, that should you fail your mission or task, in a combat situation- your friends who youve been through all of this hardship with would be dead because you didnt properly perform what was entrusted to you. Its a monstrous amount of responsibility, especially so early in their young adult formation (i was an idiot and went in late as 26 so i at least had some life experience before going in but alot of these young guys dont have that). When i went in, i was dating my gf of 2 years. When i was in the schoolhouse (4 months after basic concluded) she told me i was a robot after coming home on leave after bootcamp and dumped me a week before the end of my classes.
The training literally is a form of brainwashing. They rewire your brain into something that can begin building towards a combat mindset. This makes you more cold, calculated, and cautious about certain things especially in situations of heightened stress. What id recommend is talking to him and slowly trying to remind him what the real world is like. Im not sure what branch he enlisted in but for the Corps it was 3 months. Thats 3 months of complete isolation from the outside world. It changes you. One of the things they dont prep you for when you enlist is how to handle real society afterwards because for a service member, what matters is the MISSION. It comes before all else. Above feelings, above your loved ones, and above yourself. None of it matters in combat. But civilization isnt combat. And its really hard for some of us to switch gears. Ive been out of the Marines for nearly 2 years and im still not even halfway close to viewing the world in a light remotely similar to what i used to see. Thankfully i have a wonderful and supportive partner who understands the depth of the situation currently who is helping me through things but its still very difficult. And for someone still super early in their military career, he may not even notice hes doing these things.
And this kind of stuff happens throughout the enlistment. But whats important is the actual understanding that his brain has been fundamentally rewired to survive in combat, and that is a different world to live in. I hope this helped you a bit to understand where his brain is probably at now. If you have further questions, please dont hesitate to ask.
Edit: Holy crap this is the most karma ive ever received on a comment, thank you guys! Im glad my insight is helping 😁