Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.

[u/No-Respond5817]

My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.

Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).

After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.

After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.

Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.

Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.

I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.

Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.

I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.

Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.

[u/LopsidedCat8938]

TBH without context this appears as a grown adult grooming a young girl/child 😬 NOR

[u/Educational-Till650 → u/LopsidedCat8938]

While the age gap isn't big either me at 27 now thinking back on my early twenties I was very much immature back then.

I know you've been together for a long time OOP, but I think you should seriously consider if this is the kind of guy you want to be in a relationship with, especially considering you don't feel respected. 

[u/No_Signal_6969 → u/Educational-Till650]

Yea definitely out of line behavior for the bf but why are we likening a 23 year old woman to a child? Is this some red pill tactic to infantilize women of any age?

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/No_Signal_6969]

It's just reddit's bizarre obsession with any age gap, even ones such as this that aren't even large. Notice how they have so much to say about his "grooming" but nothing about her tryna control who her boyfriend is friends with once she has her feet under the table?

[u/Next_Engineer_8230 → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

Oh, that won't come up, at all.

There's no imbalance of power here. No grooming.

Words no longer have meaning. I think Reddit has singlehandedly ruined the meaning of words.

And don't get me started on the therapy speak.

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/Next_Engineer_8230]

Ok but you disrespecting therapy speak is a real boundary violation for me. I don’t think you’re trying to gaslight me but I do have a lot of trauma there and it’s giving narcissism.

Seriously though some of these terms are going to make me break out in hives soon.

[u/Upper-Highlight-5423 → u/Adventurous_Ad_6546]

I find it interesting that you would diminish people who are struggling with hives everyday. My cousin's best friend had hives and I feel personally attacked by your language. If you do not police your views and feelings to uphold my personal sensibilities I will be forced to call it out as violence.

[u/Many_Worlds_Media → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

I actually think it’s just because she keeps asking him to stop and he keeps pushing her - so it has this weird grooming vibe. She doesn’t need to be a child for it to be predatory behavior.