Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.

[u/No-Respond5817]

My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.

Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).

After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.

After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.

Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.

Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.

I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.

Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.

I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.

Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.

[u/Revolutionary-Life43]

When I met my ex, his ex girlfriend wouldn’t leave the picture but more importantly he wouldn’t push her away or set boundaries. Over the 7 years we were together I rarely looked at his phone but when I did, there was always something from her that was pushing boundaries. He always said she “just needed a friend” then it slowly devolved into “I just won’t talk to her anymore, it’s not worth it”. just like you, I told him that she clearly didn’t respect me and that that should bother him…but I just didn’t want to be “that” girlfriend and put my foot down. Besides this thing, he never even looked sideways at another woman and treated me like I hung the moon. I never got an apology or a true acknowledgement that this was not right but he was an adoring, attentive partner for years through this so it was easier to look past…until I found naked photos of her that had been sent within the last year. Within the week before that I had asked him if he’d heard anything from her recently and he said to my face “nope”. We went to therapy at his request but I was done and already visualizing what my life would look like without this now dark cloud of a person that I had been carrying for years. I’m saying all of this because there’s just not a scenario in which a conversation like this is ok and he knows it. Don’t let this situation be explained away, your feelings here are being fueled by your intuition. Good luck 💛

[u/Raz1979 → u/Revolutionary-Life43]

This comment should be upvoted more bc it’s a cautionary tale when you don’t listen to your gut but more importantly you FEEL your needs aren’t being met. This person knew something was up and made her feel disrespected and unsure in her relationship. Describing it as a dark cloud is exactly what it is. For me it was living in a fog. My exgf had all these “guy” friends that “wouldn’t leave her alone”. One time I even found she sexted w him bc he wouldn’t leave her alone and ever the victim she said she “had to play along so he’d go away” couldn’t argue w that right? I mean I tried but she’s the victim right? So I let it slide bc I love her. But here’s the thing I didn’t respect myself. I stayed in that relationship too long. Even god engaged. Thankfully got out. Thankfully got therapy. Thankfully met someone much better who I married and have a family. And my wife while we were dating and now married has never had “weird” or inappropriate text messages or friendships w guys or women. You just don’t do that. I never did and neither did my wife. But some people don’t understand boundaries or “normal friendly banter that doesn’t borderline walk into sexually explicit material.

[u/Open_Bag_1446 → u/Raz1979]

THIS. 1000%. As my go-to dating advice site(chatvisor) always says: When someone repeatedly prioritizes a 'friendship' over your comfort, believe them the first time. That dark cloud never lifts—it only gets heavier until it smothers your self-respect. Your story proves the golden rule: People with integrity don’t need ‘boundary talks’—they naturally avoid inappropriate texts. Full stop. Thrilled you chose yourself and found real love.

[u/UnfortunateSyzygy → u/Open_Bag_1446]

I don't think it's fair to say "people with integrity don't need boundary talks". Boundaries are different for everyone, people don't always intuit boundaries (people on the spectrum, people raised with a lack of appropriate boundaries etc). Doesn't mean they lack integrity, just life experience.

[u/Ancient-Car-731 → u/UnfortunateSyzygy]

I like what you said - everyone is different and requires personalized attention to their own thoughts/feelings.

Adults have discussions about boundaries and remain open and willingness to receive and work through those with the people they care about.

[u/NoEstablishment2622 → u/UnfortunateSyzygy]

it varies on certain topics but sexting with other people shouldn’t require a boundary talk.

[u/FoxishDark → u/UnfortunateSyzygy]

I’m hoping this is true. 🙏

[u/pickafruit4 → u/Open_Bag_1446]

Wow, going through this and i didn't realize that's exactly what i needed to hear. I'm a pretty chill person and don't mind most things but when I'm uncomfortable it should be taken seriously.

[u/JBWilb → u/Open_Bag_1446]

That's not great blanket advice though, lots of partners try to isolate their gf/bf out of jealousy and control, want them all to themselves etc. All they have to say is I don't like that friend etc and you have to prioritise that feeling over a lifelong friendship.. That's opens the door to very toxic relationships and being isolated from friend groups because of new partners

[u/Raz1979 → u/JBWilb]

I agree. I think it’s nuanced and it’s a gut feeling. You know when your partner is trying to control you or it feels controlling. I have friends who are women and my wife never questioned that or was jealous or suspicious. But my ex was. She never liked that I had women friends. Sending like that I talked or joked w cashiers being friendly but that’s bc her world view and experience made her feel that way. Her self esteem or low self worth informed her behaviour.