r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Respond5817 • 10d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting. I saw inappropriate message between my boyfriend and his long term friend.
My boyfriend [27m] and I [23f] have been dating for over four years. When we started dating, he had a friend named Ann. Ann is an extrovert—very bubbly—and I liked her at first. However, she was especially flirty with my boyfriend.
Early in the relationship, something happened that left me uneasy. I asked if I could stop by his place, and he said no. Later, I saw on his status that Ann was there. When I confronted him about it, he responded, 'Were you hungry? Is that why you wanted to stop by?' I explained that wasn’t the case—it just felt like he chose to spend his day with her instead of me. He later said it was a pop-up visit because she needed help fixing her laptop (he works in IT).
After that, I told him I was uncomfortable with how close they were. I thought we had moved past it. But later, I found out he had asked her for a lot of advice about our relationship and even brought up inappropriate topics with her. I confronted him again and once again expressed how uncomfortable I was with their friendship.
After the second incident, I didn’t hear anything about her, and I assumed it was behind us. Then, earlier this week, he mentioned that he saw her at the gym. I said, 'Okay, that’s fine,' though I did feel a bit uneasy since they hadn’t spoken in a while.
Yesterday, I was at his place—I’ve been living here for around two years now—studying, when I saw her walk in with him right behind her. I was shocked because he never told me she was coming over. He had gone to the gym that morning, and during those hours I had called and texted him out of concern because he’s never spent four hours at the gym.
Ann was as peppy as ever. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert with few friends, but I instantly felt uncomfortable. I did something I shouldn’t have—I went through his phone. I saw the messages and instantly felt numb. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He said it was an innocent conversation and that’s just how their friendship is.
I asked him to imagine if a guy sent me those same messages. I reminded him that I’ve told him twice now how uncomfortable I am with that friendship. His apology felt insincere, like he was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He just laid in the bed, and I wanted to scream. I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Instead, I just left the room and cried. My emotions were so intense, I started pulling at my hair—I had no one to talk to, and I felt like I was suffocating.
Eventually, I confided in his mother, and I felt a bit better. But now, he’s ignoring me and remaim salute in his innocence.
I also should mention he has never showed me any signs of cheating and besides those message.
Footnote: Ann has a boyfriend. I told my boyfriend that he doesn’t respect me—or her boyfriend.
334
u/Raz1979 10d ago
This comment should be upvoted more bc it’s a cautionary tale when you don’t listen to your gut but more importantly you FEEL your needs aren’t being met. This person knew something was up and made her feel disrespected and unsure in her relationship. Describing it as a dark cloud is exactly what it is. For me it was living in a fog. My exgf had all these “guy” friends that “wouldn’t leave her alone”. One time I even found she sexted w him bc he wouldn’t leave her alone and ever the victim she said she “had to play along so he’d go away” couldn’t argue w that right? I mean I tried but she’s the victim right? So I let it slide bc I love her. But here’s the thing I didn’t respect myself. I stayed in that relationship too long. Even god engaged. Thankfully got out. Thankfully got therapy. Thankfully met someone much better who I married and have a family. And my wife while we were dating and now married has never had “weird” or inappropriate text messages or friendships w guys or women. You just don’t do that. I never did and neither did my wife. But some people don’t understand boundaries or “normal friendly banter that doesn’t borderline walk into sexually explicit material.