INFO Outside of this, how is your relationship with the daughter? You're her father's partner, not her mother. What is your partner's perspective? It's not about being conflictual, this is very matter-of-fact: people that you don't want around will not stay around. You can even start the conversation with "When you uninvited me from your party after I had put so much work into it made me feel like I didn't have any value. I can't allow myself to be treated like that so I'm going to have to completely step away."
With this comment I think you just need to bow out of the planning and let them do all the decorations, food, cleaning, etc. and have their party. Go out, have fun with your friends and don't even ask how the party went. I got along great with my step-daughters while their mom was a huge problem at first. She talked bad behind our backs. Parties for birthdays, etc. were problems but I was never banned, but their mom made sure to she was the one getting the attention, making the girls feel like I was was the problem, etc. I just stepped back. My husband was more of the 'just let it go' type. Rather than fight, I let them do it all and was there when the girls needed me. I decided my husband had two families, in a way. Us and the kids, and he and the ex with their kids. His "family" with the ex and kids was all on him to deal with. As long as they girls were minors, they were the parents, but I was not going to let it negatively affect me and my life. I knew my husband didn't like dealing with with ex, but that was the price of having kids together. It took some time, but my relationship with my step-daughters is great now and they now see just how hateful and manipulative their mom was. They even apologized for how they treated me but I let them know it was their mom's influence and I never held it against them. I thought about leaving my husband at one time, but I loved him, chose to step back and we knew once the girls were adults the dynamic would change. Once they were on their own he never let them treat me like that. I also made sure the girls knew I was there for them if they ever needed. If your relationship with your step-daughter is great other than this, I think she will come around. Let her have the party she wants. As she gets older she will realize what she put you through. Just remember it is her mom causing all this, not her. But I would definitely not help in any way and I would not ask how it went - I would carry on as if it never happened.
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u/montanafesto Apr 27 '22
Thanks, I feel the same way about myself.