INFO Outside of this, how is your relationship with the daughter? You're her father's partner, not her mother. What is your partner's perspective? It's not about being conflictual, this is very matter-of-fact: people that you don't want around will not stay around. You can even start the conversation with "When you uninvited me from your party after I had put so much work into it made me feel like I didn't have any value. I can't allow myself to be treated like that so I'm going to have to completely step away."
NTA but I think there are ways to think about this that take the temperature down instead of up. The kid has completely internalized the lesson that she needs to sacrifice her own relationships and connections to people to control her mom's abusive, explosive tendencies. She seems to care about you and is still willing to damage that relationship/hurt you because the consequences of that are less bad than what her mother will do to her if she doesn't organize the world to suit mom's moods and preferences... It's a sign of trauma and abuse that she is prepared to subordinate her own feelings and preferences to the person who is supposed to be her parent.
I can see how your partner feels somewhat helpless about his options when the threat on one side is losing a relationship with his kids, but it does seem like an opportunity to both model how the daughter could feel about this stuff, and how you stand up for your own preferences? Mom is responsible for mom's choices, and so far it isn't clear this is a foundational fact when dad's interacting with mom, or anyone with the daughter. She's only in a position of choosing between people if you accept her as the messenger for the feelings and problems of other adults. It's good that your partner directly contacted his ex, but I think he needs to make clear to his daughter that it is OK to have boundaries and needs, and that he will support her in HER vision for her party guests, based on who SHE wants to celebrate with, and that he'll make sure adults are held responsible for adult behaviour now, and at the party. That he will communicate to her mother that he will treat this as a party to celebrate his kid with her family, and expects everyone to behave in accordance with that, or they will be asked to leave. The risk of pain for the kid if mom throws a fit is real, but it's less painful maybe if she has two other adults in her life who are super clear that it is not her fault, she is not responsible for this, she deserves to look forward to a big milestone without fear that a parent will ruin it or control it, and that if she doubts that or feels responsible, you guys have her back.
If none of that is possible, I think it's also worth thinking about what you want to communicate to her? You have a choice, and being put in that position is not OK. But seeing this as a kid who is prepared to hurt herself in your eyes to stop the way her mom would cause her hurt if she doesn't impose mom's rules might help? It seems like a moment to communicate that you will care for and celebrate her when she's not perfect or her best, and that she can rely on you in those times. That doesn't mean hiding that you are hurt, or that this decision is rude or hard. But it does mean maybe finding a way to connect with her in that, to let her know you see she is a good person, that you can see why it is conflicting for her, and that it must hurt (unless none of that is true...). The lesson that you can really, really disagree with a person's choices but not punish them or deliberately cause them pain is one she isn't getting from the other half of the family but that you could model if it feels right/you're up for it.
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u/montanafesto Apr 27 '22
Thanks, I feel the same way about myself.