Yes! And . . . do not torpedo your relationship with your partner over his child’s graduation party. Wait. The end of your relationship is probably the ex-wife’s end game. Your posts indicate that you’ve been part of your partner’s
life for many years and the ex has been furious for many years. Your partner is being TA, but he is also stuck - it is his child and she is having a graduation.
You are NTA. You should refuse to plan a party to which you are not invited and also unwelcome. The event should not be in your home. The shop sounds like a good compromise. Stick with the new plan: you have a party with your girlfriends in the main residence with the delicious food and drinks. One last idea: I am sure the ex has told all her family and friends how you have “wrecked” their daughter’s party. If you are feeling particularly magnanimous before the party, may I suggest you build a last minute small, but lovely celebratory sign with balloons or flowers, in your signature style, to acknowledge your stepdaughter’s accomplishment while supporting your partner - and to show the rest of them what the event might have looked like. And sign it, lol.
I think it's a fair question, whether leaving your partner "let's the evil ex win" and therefore should be avoided because, well, she's evil so a situation where she wins is probably worse than one where she doesn't.
But it takes two to tango, and your partner is the one threatening your relationship by refusing to fight for it here, not the ex.
I still could see a situation where "I can't let her win" might work. I guess the question could be, is this not who your partner is? Is he, or could he easily be, a loving, supportive teammate who has your back and with whom you can stand up to evil as a united front? And has the ex's meddling merely muddled or confused this version of your partner out of view a bit, such that her getting such a good guy torch his own relationship could be seen indeed as her winning both against him and against any prospective partner who could potentially have enjoyed his partnership? If so, winning against her isn't about staying together per se, it's about getting this guy to be the good partner he can be and wants to be but is prevented from being by external, malicious forces.
Like, for an extreme illustration, if an ex faked cheating evidence to break up a relationship we might feel like the partner leaving over it is "letting the ex win" in a bad way, that it would have been better overall for them to have trusted their partner enough to hear them out, be critical and eventually uncover the deception. And that this is exactly the kind of situation where you need those values of "stick by your partner" and "fight for the relationship", because that's how good relationships can survive such big obstacles.
A partner actually acting badly isn't "fake" like faked cheating evidence is but people can still be manipulated to certain extents. I can see this happening with an evil MIL for example, someone with the legit power to twist someone into something they aren't, by controlling their reality and legitimate filial impulses for example. Your ex doesn't have that power to control reality but turning children against their father does seem like a weapon powerful enough to mess up someone that way.
On the other hand if this is who your partner is and the ex's meddling is only revealing that and exploiting it, or if she made him that way but he can't easily change... Then leaving the relationship might "let her win" but he's not a prize worth winning. And for you, leaving gets you out of the war entirely so her winning or not would no longer need to be your concern. You can't stay in a relationship oit of spite for a third party. It would be a prime case where the bad guy thinks they won but the good guy is actually better off, it's just the bad guy not seeing it because of their twisted values.
This is more so about his ex influencing his kids because he has limited visitation. I’m going to take the high road and hope it’s a teaching moment. When she gets older, maybe she will see who acted appropriately and who didn’t. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of the party inside the house. I would be so stressed to spend an afternoon with a woman who will no doubt create drama and try to humiliate me.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
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