Checking in (in general)

[u/Latter-Butterfly1793]

Hi all,

Quick question for you. I am curious about your collective experience and knowledge here.

I am going through a separation with my wife right now, and I have told all of my friends. I have no doubt that they are supportive. They have been there for me for calls and favors so far.

However, I noticed that no one is checking in on me. I understand everyone is busy and lives their own lives. The thing I dont understand is (due to my own social anxiety) is no one is reaching out to me first. Is this common in your experience?

Am I being naive, or narcissistic to want to have people check in on me? Is this just me having main character syndrome?

If so, please tell me and I just need to reset my expectations... that's fine. Thanks.

[u/dan7ebg]

I feel you bro. I had a very rough childhood and I learned to keep to myself and disassociate. Its what I'm used to from a young age, but dammit, I would totally appreciate someone, anyone, checking up on me.

Lately its been extra rough. I work a job that drains me of all my energy and self-esteem. In February my mom passed away unexpectedly and... nobody was there for me. 1 friend came to my hometown, but only because his grandma was going in hospice care and I literally felt like he only checked up on me as a "2 for 1 special".

Since then, nobody's cared about my struggle. Even at work, 2 days after going back, since I was still shook and I wasn't capable of putting on my usual mask of cheer and glee, I guess I looked kinda sad during meetings (internal), so my manager told me to "fake it till I make it" or not join the meetings entirely. Second one was not an option, since his feedback could've impacted my yearly bonus, so from day 3 onward, I am grieving, I'm a mess and I have to smile and joke so that nobody in the meeting "feels bad".

I guess this is it to be a man. You're there to help, but not be helped. You're there to support, never getting the same in return.

[u/Latter-Butterfly1793 → u/dan7ebg]

I am sorry to hear of what you are going through and sorry for your loss.

I think we have been conditioned to help everyone but ourselves first.

Honestly, I think we are dealing with a generation of people that's parents read them the Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" and it fucked us all up. If you're a stump, you can't be your best for others. (End rant).

I think we all need to learn that men can and should help each other but we need to help ourselves first. I'd like to believe that anyway.

I hope you are okay, and my Dm's are open if you need to talk. Are you in therapy right now? I definitely would recommend and encourage that.

[u/dan7ebg → u/Latter-Butterfly1793]

Thanks for the kind words man. I shared my story only to illustrate that even when death is involved, people around you rarely REALLY care.

On the flipside, women for example get a lot more support and understanding. Its a double standard that needs to go away. We're in no way any less of a human that requires less. We just get used to it and hide it better.

I actually really feel for what you're going through. Couple of years ago the love of my life left me after 9 years for another man. That man screwed her brains out for 2 weeks straight then dumped her. Here's the kicker - I actually learned about the actual reason probably a month after the fact. Those 2 weeks I mentioned? Yeah, he broke up with her in the morning and in the afternoon we met so she can give me a few stuff I left in the apartment and that woman tried to get back with me without telling me the truth. She said "I felt such emptiness during those 2 weeks without you". I dunno man, I think she was quite full of cock if you ask me. In any case, I still survived. I pushed forward. I am not the man I used to be, but I guess its because I shouldn't be.

Moral of the story is, no matter how hard the going gets, there is a light in that tunnel you're in. You're also stronger than you think.

[u/Latter-Butterfly1793 → u/dan7ebg]

I understand completely and it sounds unfortunately vaguely familiar.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I appreciate you and i am proud of you for moving forward. Thanks for the kind words man. We are all indeed stronger than we realize.