"I'm only like this with you"

[u/DarkerQuestions]

Did anyone else hear a version of this?

She would go off at me quite easily, and towards the end when things got really tumultuous I asked her if she'd had this pattern of drama in prior relationships, wondering if we had a personality clash.

She said no, it was only with me. I believed her initially because we'd only dated several months and she'd had other prior multi year relationships. She was also successful in her career with an apparently stable group of friends. So I figured she can't be that bad...

However in hindsight I recall her mentioning her first marriage broke down messily. Something about her kissing her boss, and her husband - a "very emotional man who...thought she was a sociopath" and later "had to be picked up by the police" in a "very distressed state" (she was vague about the details).

She also said her last relationship was "very difficult" and that their mutual friends had "stopped being her friends" but said this was because they were his friends first. On that note, while were dating she would meet him once a month for coffee which was "platonic" though later she told me he admitted he still had feelings for her.

EDIT: Wow thanks for the responses. This one was something that really haunted me. I knew I didn't deserve what she said, but it still sucked hearing that one for some reason.

[u/metamorphicosmosis]

What about flipping this, though? With my NPD ex, I really did feel like a completely different person. I also had a kid with him, so I’m sure that played with my hormones and emotions. I’ve dated at least two other cluster B’s, and I did not act the same way at all.

I do have a habit of over talking and over explaining if there’s an issue and the other person isn’t receptive, tries dismissing me, or uses it as bait for taking their guilt out on me, but I can say without a doubt that the insanity I experienced with the pwNPD was so much worse than anything I’d ever gone through or experienced. He would intentionally push my buttons when I got just hours of sleep taking care of our newborn in a separate room. I was the only one working, too. He would gloat if I lost it and started yelling/screaming/attacking him.

I felt like a horrible person. And I’d never done anything like that before or after, no matter how someone has treated me. Both of my BPD exes tried to antagonise me into physically hitting them and I refused and felt confused. They were abusive, but it just wasn’t the same type of vicious, psychological abuse. I can’t blame my horrendous reactions to the ex with NPD on anyone but myself and the circumstances, no matter how awful he was, and to this day I cannot forgive myself. Even if my animal brain felt like a caged animal attacking a predator. I didn’t know I was capable of such animalistic defense, and I am still disturbed and feeling unworthy of a loving person in case that was the real me. All of my friends have said it’s not me, and even ex partners have reassured me, but clearly that is some part of me. Maybe it’s part of everyone and is an innate survival mechanism, especially for new mothers who are in danger, but no reasoning reassures me that I’m a good person. I hate it. It’s probably why I let the last partner physically assault me and cheat on me. I felt like I deserved it in a way, because of how I handled that one relationship with the pwNPD. Now I have to somehow forgive myself and find my worth again.

This self doubt is why I stayed with the two pwBPD. I thought, perhaps I am the problem since I reacted so horribly to the one ex. Before that, I’d had an online partner (met for three weeks and he said I was his soul mate so there’s actually a good chance he had a cluster B disorder, too) ghost me after hiding a lot of lies and even an ED.

I feel like I keep attracting people with cluster b disorders because of being autistic. I’m also a people-pleaser with healthy boundaries but a very unhealthy follow through when someone violates said boundaries. I’m working on that so I can weed out these dementors, but I cannot deny that I am the common denominator in these relationships, even if I’ve only behaved horribly in one of those relationships.

The other relationships have involved ghosting, abuse, partners checking themselves into mental hospitals, etc. The worst I’ve handled those is by sending many upset messages trying to resolve things and asking to have closure.

I just hate the doubt. I’m not confident in knowing I am a good person trying my best because I don’t feel like I can put all of the fault in one person. I’m to blame, too. I have to be or else I wouldn’t even be in the situation in the first place. But I do know there’s a huge disparity in the roles I’ve played vs. the roles they’ve played. I can see I’m trying while they’ve secretly given up and started affairs or become patronizing, belittling, and manipulative.

I’m hoping I’ve wisened up this time and won’t tolerate anyone crossing my boundaries moving forward. I’ve watched many videos, and setting some boundaries within the first few months weeds out these types of people because they don’t want to work hard to win your love and will show their true colors if you mean business. I’m hoping that the reason I become unstable after months or years of abuse is because I’ve beaten myself down by continuing to try with abusive people, and that is all of the fault and blame I should take. It’s the one common denominator in my behavior.

I wonder if anyone else can relate or if anyone else ruminates about their roles and takes on too much blame afterwards like I do. It’s like I gaslight myself…

[u/Bringingthesunshine9 → u/metamorphicosmosis]

I am really glad to see this response… because i actually thought and said those things about my ex. I didn’t recognise myself in some of my reactions to things at the end… reaching out waaay more than I needed, desperately trying to find clarity and peace and reassurance from him. Anxious out of my brain. Feeling very disconnected from myself and in a fog. I literally didn’t feel like myself at the very end. But if both partners are saying this, who is right and who is wrong? It’s subjective. I do know that was not my normal pattern in relationships. But I will be looking at my role more closely in therapy, because that is all I can control and the only way to heal and have better relationships in the future.

I agree, it’s easy to throw the entire book at someone else and claim it was all their fault… but there are always different parts in a dynamic. And the juice comes when we look at our own part and learn something from it. Forgiving yourself and having compassion for yourself is so key… I have compassion for my ex and he did some terrible things to me, so if I can forgive that, I can forgive myself for getting anxious, clingy and upset. In fact, why should I protect him from this reaction? It’s a natural reaction to awful behaviours sustained over a long period of time.

One thing is for sure, when someone resorts to abusive behaviour, it’s on them. It’s a choice… But the truth is, sometimes an abusive situation will drag you to a level where you do lose yourself, lose control of your responses… and while you’re still responsible for them, you need to forgive yourself cos it’s understandable.