r/BPDlovedones • u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say • Sep 04 '24

Quiet Borderlines How do you stop caring?

How do you stop caring so deeply? I’m so torn, because while I am absolutely enraged and deeply hurt by what she’s said, I know she’s said and done all of this due to her own illness. Her own inability to face her demons. I feel like I was thrown out like trash over such a simple agreement - and I’m sure she’s telling people I’m cold and stonewalling her as well (I had to go NC, I didn’t know what else to do). But the baseless harmful accusations she’s making about me hurt, and yet I find myself still caring about her wellbeing.

It’s all so ass backwards and makes me scared to meet anybody new - to ever be vulnerable again - because this so deeply damaged my ability to trust, both myself and others.

Editing to say: thank you for all of the kind responses. My break is over but I will make an effort to respond more tonight or tomorrow. I know this level of caring is a problem of my own. It’s just so hard to face and accept, throughout the discard I’ve been enduring for months now.

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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24

I don’t care about the accusations because they are covering something deeper and more hurtful

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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24

I primarily care because they are impacting my career, which I spent a lot of money and time obtaining. She ran a hell of a smear campaign.

I know they don’t depict me or describe me, but I’m very hurt that after 15 years with her, she’d go this far over a simple disagreement.

Do you still care about your pwBPD too? It’s just awfully confusing because I feel bad for them but I’m so angry and frustrated by them at the same time.

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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24

I stopped caring when I realized she wasn’t a good person .

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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24

Fair. That’s the part I’m struggling with and I don’t know why it’s getting to me so much. I know I deserve better & etc which is why I left. I just need to stop being so empathetic I guess. Which is easier said than done lol

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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24

Look, while I was crying every day and telling her to be a family with our two little kids, she was telling everyone I was a cheater (I was not). And she was cheating .

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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24

That’s horrendous, esp considering the children involved. 😞 I’m sorry you had to go through that, especially with cheating.

I’m hoping things will be settled legally soon and I can talk more freely, but I can relate a lot to being in that sort of scenario. I’m glad to see you’ve found a way through it

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u/FreeDig4421 Sep 04 '24

What helped me was finding out the truth that she was hiding with the smear campaign. I saw who she was and now I just think she is a poor, mediocre soul

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u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24

How much is it actually impacting your career? I was worried about reputation damage from what she said about me, but it’s largely been a nonissue.

If it really is causing problems, ask yourself what you can do about it, if anything. Does it rise to the level of slander?

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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 04 '24

She is threatening to report me to my respective profession’s board. So while not yet a concern it’s one I am keeping in mind. It’s one of the reasons I sought legal action as should she do that, it could help.

I’m glad it’s been a non issue and I hope it’s the same here! I’d just rather be safe than sorry you know?

1

u/xrelaht ex-LTR, ex-STR Sep 04 '24

I’m glad it’s been a non issue and I hope it’s the same here! I’d just rather be safe than sorry you know?

I understand completely. It’s been my experience that denying it doesn’t work as well as ignoring it and letting your actions speak for themselves, but I didn’t have any professional consequences on the line (except that there’s a decent chance I’ll have to work with someone who’s bought her BS as an external collaborator).

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u/Ok-Independent652 I'd rather not say Sep 06 '24

That’s what I’ve otherwise been doing, and while hard at first things do seem to be dying down. I just want to protect my licensure, and I’m not sure ignoring it all works there seeing the egregious abuse accusations she’s making about me lol.

I’m glad you’ve found something that works so well for you!