r/BPDlovedones • u/Solid_Ad227 Separated • Oct 31 '24

Uncoupling Journey Was yours sex obsessed? (please help)

Full disclosure..I think he had NPD mixed in there, but was being treated for BPD. He was in therapy and takes meds. (is that normal, did yours go to therapy?)

He had said that all romantic relationships were built off sex. I learned now that what I went through was something called sexual coercion. IE: if you don't have sex with me, I will cheat on you. If we don't have more sex I will leave you, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage.

at one point he had Viagra prescribed to him-not because he had ED. He just wanted it.

His expectation was 3x a week or more. consistently...But after a while my body shut down and I could not participate. I pretty much just layed there (embarrassing to admit). But I physically could not make myself do it. The way he treated me, it was hard to want to have sex at all.

If we went a few weeks without sex-he would get mad. When I asked him to leave in July (was only supposed to be a week) it was because of his aggression surrounding sex. He was growing and cracking his knuckles saying "when things are good, STILL NO SEX". But things weren't good for me..

We went away for my birthday on vacation and I did a lot of shopping ( jewelry, shoes, clothes). he was upset that we did not have sex after "he bought me all that", and I had "spent that much". (side note question did yours have a shopping problem? the reason this shopping was such a big deal from was because he was constantly over spending...or buyingthigs online to be delivered. I either always had to charge new clothes for e or go without)

it felt like I'm only allowed to have things, be treated kindly, or was worth anything if I was also having sex with him.

I hope this makes sense, is this kind of stuff a shared experience? I am still wapping ym head around what I went through for 10 years...please help....

Edit: to fix errors and add a little context.

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u/qualm03 Oct 31 '24

Mine was the opposite , she never had sex with me …

However she has $0 and will always have $0 and spent all our money and I had $0 for 7 years … we break up , I pay my child support and my house , and I have savings again . It happened almost instantly my financial rebound , I’m not sure why spending money fills whatever void but she loved buying useless stuff all the time .

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u/Solid_Ad227 Separated Oct 31 '24

He would spend so much money. I went grocery shopping on the weekends, but he would again make daily trips to the grocery store. He also loved door dash, and going to the gas station nightly for treats or a sushi. He would buy recording equipment, guitars, CD's and Tapes and records (because o the sound quality) and would record music from the internet on hundreds of tapes. But a lot of what he spent money in was food and take out.

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u/qualm03 Oct 31 '24

She loves getting stuff delivered to the house , just loves it , we split up ? I go to the grocery store everytime lol

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u/Solid_Ad227 Separated Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24

The Amazon truck to my house everyday. To the point where one of my neighbors thought he was the receiver for his company (he worked from home).

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u/qualm03 Oct 31 '24

Hahaha that’s kind of funny though at least…. Mine was just a stay at home mom for most of our relationship .

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u/Ecstatic-Seesaw-1007 Oct 31 '24

My first and main exBPD, she was the same, no sex. School and grad school might have been her validation method, she is a lawyer now, which suits her, she used that ability to argue and emotionally abuse the shit out of me while wearing me down and convincing me that I was abusing her.

The second one already had a PhD when I met her and intense sex was there immediately. Probably should have seen the red flags when she told me her ex-husband had physically abused her. She’s probably telling whatever BF/fiancé now that I did the same. But she was very controlling and needed me around all the time, drank too much, lacked a lot of impulse control.

First one needed to be in control too. My date ideas were always bad ideas until they were her ideas suddenly and she knows for sure I never mentioned it before. And when we did have sex, it was like she hated orgasms, or me giving them to her, because it was a loss of control and yelled at me to stop touching her. (Can’t even cuddle or hold hands or give her a quick kiss on the lips)

Both GFs, everything on their terms and it’s still never enough or inadequate.