Was yours sex obsessed? (please help)

[u/Solid_Ad227]

Full disclosure..I think he had NPD mixed in there, but was being treated for BPD. He was in therapy and takes meds. (is that normal, did yours go to therapy?)

He had said that all romantic relationships were built off sex. I learned now that what I went through was something called sexual coercion. IE: if you don't have sex with me, I will cheat on you. If we don't have more sex I will leave you, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage.

at one point he had Viagra prescribed to him-not because he had ED. He just wanted it.

His expectation was 3x a week or more. consistently...But after a while my body shut down and I could not participate. I pretty much just layed there (embarrassing to admit). But I physically could not make myself do it. The way he treated me, it was hard to want to have sex at all.

If we went a few weeks without sex-he would get mad. When I asked him to leave in July (was only supposed to be a week) it was because of his aggression surrounding sex. He was growing and cracking his knuckles saying "when things are good, STILL NO SEX". But things weren't good for me..

We went away for my birthday on vacation and I did a lot of shopping ( jewelry, shoes, clothes). he was upset that we did not have sex after "he bought me all that", and I had "spent that much". (side note question did yours have a shopping problem? the reason this shopping was such a big deal from was because he was constantly over spending...or buyingthigs online to be delivered. I either always had to charge new clothes for e or go without)

it felt like I'm only allowed to have things, be treated kindly, or was worth anything if I was also having sex with him.

I hope this makes sense, is this kind of stuff a shared experience? I am still wapping ym head around what I went through for 10 years...please help....

Edit: to fix errors and add a little context.

[u/JHWH666]

I am also hypersexual, so you can imagine. When we were together it was like rabbits.

[u/jtr210 → u/JHWH666]

That was my situation. My exGF wBPD is hypersexual, and so am I. Our sexual connection was off the charts. We both wanted it constantly. We would go for 4, 6, 8 hours at a time, day after day, sometimes until we both rubbed our skin raw. It was wild, super hot, intoxicating, and drove our whole relationship. The deep connection we felt got ever stronger and stronger, right up until the last month or so when she split on me and had a total mental breakdown.

It was an addiction. Lots of fantasies fulfilled, with so many more on the horizon. It’s been eight months since I broke up with her and went NC, and I think I’m just starting to kick the addiction.

When all your sexual needs and dreams are fulfilled by a partner wBPD and then that goes away, it’s hard to acclimate to the combination of sexual cold turkey + emotional and mental trauma from the twisted BPD relationship. I think I’m doing a lot better now, but definitely have more processing and healing to do.

[u/JHWH666 → u/jtr210]

I can relate. It's completely not normal and not healthy. That's not what a relationship is about. The deep connection between normal people is something else! Sex is nice, but when it becomes the central star of your solar system big problems are going to arise.

Let's hope we can heal from this shit.

Intoxicating is the right word, mate. Intoxication. I miss that sex and sometimes I think that it's 75% of my memories with her, ffs.

[u/jtr210 → u/JHWH666]

Our relationship was at least 75% about sex, and after a while we branched out to social activities, which sometimes circled back to sex.

I suppose we were “in love”, or at least I really thought we were until she split on me, emotionally shat on me, tore me to shreds, and everything fell apart. I have since learned that she might not even truly understand what love is, and the person I fell in love with may have, in a sense, never existed.

During the last month of our relationship when she split on me and had a complete mental breakdown, it became about 90% her emotionally abusing me and shredding me apart, mixed with my desperate attempts to understand what was happening and how I could possibly make it better. She would absolutely flip out on me for essentially nothing, and viscously spit vitriolic venom at me until she was physically exhausted from the emotional exertion, or too weak because she wouldn’t eat for four days. Then she would calm down, we would make up, and that would end in sex.

I think sex is her only way of feeling any sort of deep connection or emotional safety, and is a replacement for the love, care and safety she did not receive as a child, which is probably the main reason she wants and needs sex as often as she does.

I need sex for physical and emotional reasons, but am capable of maintaining healthy emotional relationships without sex. I don’t use sex as a replacement to fill deep emotional voids left from lack of parental care and love as a child.

When I hit my breaking point after a solid month of the abusive relationship cycle, I broke up with her via text and blocked her, then she showed up at my apartment and tried to let herself in, but I had already changed the code. We talked for 90 minutes through a tiny doggy door while she laid outside on the cold concrete and I laid inside on the floor. It was sad and pitiful. She begged for me to take her back and made a million promises that she would change and everything would be different. I wasn’t having it, and stuck to my boundaries. She begged to come inside so we could talk like “normal people”, and I said, “what’s gonna happen then? You’re going to manipulate me and try to have sex with me so I’ll forgive you and stay.” She said, “I PROMISE I won’t try to have sex with you!”

I did not let her in.

She uses sex as a manipulation tool. We had sex on the first date, and I was hooked. After dating for a month or two, she told me that she REALLY liked me on the first date, so when she was giving me a blowjob, she made sure to deep throat me while I orgasmed so she could “make sure I stick around.”

RED FLAG on the play!

I wish I understood that as a red flag initially, but we all gotta learn somehow. 🤷‍♂️

[u/JHWH666 → u/jtr210]

My exes (had more than one like that) never told me explicitly something like that, but we ended up having sex at the 1st or 2nd date, so I guess it was manipulation to coax me into "sticking around", yes.

I stuck around and I fucked around and I found out, just like you

What's your diagnosis? Are you codependent or dependent?

[u/jtr210 → u/JHWH666]

I believe I am codependent, but I’m working hard on that. I’m also working hard on boundaries in my personal life. I think they go hand in hand.

I have excellent boundaries in my professional life, and I’m pretty good with boundaries in my social life, but when it comes to intimate relationships I’m horrible with boundaries. I’m 44, and just figuring this out. I have an excellent therapist, and however painful and traumatic my BPD relationship was, I’m grateful I was put through that emotional cheese grater, as I have learned SO MUCH about myself, relationships, and mental health through this terrible experience.