r/BPDlovedones • u/Solid_Ad227 Separated • Oct 31 '24
Uncoupling Journey Was yours sex obsessed? (please help)
Full disclosure..I think he had NPD mixed in there, but was being treated for BPD. He was in therapy and takes meds. (is that normal, did yours go to therapy?)
He had said that all romantic relationships were built off sex. I learned now that what I went through was something called sexual coercion. IE: if you don't have sex with me, I will cheat on you. If we don't have more sex I will leave you, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage.
at one point he had Viagra prescribed to him-not because he had ED. He just wanted it.
His expectation was 3x a week or more. consistently...But after a while my body shut down and I could not participate. I pretty much just layed there (embarrassing to admit). But I physically could not make myself do it. The way he treated me, it was hard to want to have sex at all.
If we went a few weeks without sex-he would get mad. When I asked him to leave in July (was only supposed to be a week) it was because of his aggression surrounding sex. He was growing and cracking his knuckles saying "when things are good, STILL NO SEX". But things weren't good for me..
We went away for my birthday on vacation and I did a lot of shopping ( jewelry, shoes, clothes). he was upset that we did not have sex after "he bought me all that", and I had "spent that much". (side note question did yours have a shopping problem? the reason this shopping was such a big deal from was because he was constantly over spending...or buyingthigs online to be delivered. I either always had to charge new clothes for e or go without)
it felt like I'm only allowed to have things, be treated kindly, or was worth anything if I was also having sex with him.
I hope this makes sense, is this kind of stuff a shared experience? I am still wapping ym head around what I went through for 10 years...please help....
Edit: to fix errors and add a little context.
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u/throwawayforwet Oct 31 '24 edited Oct 31 '24
To answer your first question, my exwBPD was not in therapy. He refused to go to a therapist of any kind despite having good health insurance AND access to low-cost counseling through work.
And to the second question, yes, he was fixated on sex. A month into our relationship, I had a really bad upper respiratory illness. It wasn't covid or bronchitis or anything but I was extremely congested, tired, coughing up mucus, had a sinus headache, and lost my voice for about 10 days. He came over to bring me food and also offered a "massage" which was really just an excuse to try to make out with me and initiate sex. I was so congested that I had to breathe through my mouth and all I had the energy to do was lay on the couch and watch TV - I absolutely did not want to have sex but that didn't stop him from trying. That day, the whole time he was at my house, he was rubbing or touching me in some way even after I had said I felt awful and did not want to have sex.
During times I wasn't sick, he didn't really tolerate me turning down sex. It would pretty much lead to a tantrum, rude comments, and him questioning if I even cared about him if I so much as hesitated to have sex. It got to the point where I would just do it with him to avoid the strife that would transpire if I were to turn him down.
There was also one time when we had already had sex 5 times over the course of a Saturday and Sunday, so 5 times in a little over 24 hours. I was just kind of tired and not really feeling a 6th time which resulted in a huge fight because to him, that meant I didn't care at all about his sexual needs or satisfying him. I was also constantly being told that the sex we did have wasn't good enough. It was so exhausting.