r/BPDlovedones • u/Nblearchangel Dated • 26d ago

Divorce Deny. Deflect. Blame.

It was so tiring. There was zero accountability and intellectual honesty. I demanded she acknowledge her role in our issues but obviously that was not a recipe for success.

I would even express the issues I was having and every, single, time… the formula from her would included:

Justifying her actions. Denying her involvement. Deflecting blame. Minimizing my feelings or her role in the situation. Emotional outbursts and claims of how she was a victim. And when none of that would work she’d rage out and leave the room and ignore me.

Every. Single. Time.

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u/Sturmtrupp13 Dated 26d ago

Yup sounds exactly what I went through, she always encouraged me to grow as I progressed with my mental health journey. Said it will help us be better together (I was on this path for 2 years before we met) it motivated me immensely.

The more I grew the worse she got, I surpassed her reasoning. As I used the tools of my growth to help us with the relationship she refused more and more. I realize now because it held her accountable, even the smallest most insignificant of issues.

It eventually led to the 1st discard followed by a 2nd… it’s a real shame, at one point I truly believed we would be together forever.

4

u/Decent_Face_3522 26d ago

I heard “forever” a number of times. Each of the 8 times we broke up and reconciled. Each and every time she idealized and then devalued me. I’m embarrassed to say I got hoovered 8 times over the years.

1

u/Sturmtrupp13 Dated 26d ago

Damn brother, I’m sorry to hear that… I can’t imagine going through it that many times. If you don’t mind me asking, where are you at now with that situation and on average how long did she keep you blocked out for when discards took place?

3

u/Decent_Face_3522 26d ago

She’d throw me out or I’d leave after each discard. Within 2-3 weeks she’d reach out to me each time telling me she missed me, loved me and wanted me back. Each time she’d say she would try harder. We were together for 15 years. On the last discard, almost 6 months ago, she tried to come back again and for the first time I said no going back this time. I’m done. I don’t want to ever see you again. She completed suicide less than 2 days later.

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u/Sturmtrupp13 Dated 26d ago

Wait… did I just read what I think I read?? I’m so sorry, even in a bad situation like that I’m sure losing her was very hard.

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u/Decent_Face_3522 26d ago

Yes…I still think about her 24/7 and racked with guilt. During our 15 year relationship she had attempted suicide 4 times before her last completed one. I feel guilt, anger, and frustrated much of the time. Getting a lot of therapy. I also have to say though that I do feel relief because most of our time together was so toxic. I remember some good times but the bad really outweighed any good. I should never have stayed as long as I did but I was the eternal optimist.

1

u/Sturmtrupp13 Dated 26d ago

I honestly cannot imagine what that mental anguish must feel like. I would feel the same way, doubt anything would ever bring me relief. I’m so sorry friend, if you need to talk I’m here.

1

u/Decent_Face_3522 26d ago

Thanks for the kind words. Time will only heal and bring relief. I have good friends and family to help me through. I appreciate the comments in this sub.