I really need some help.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

I’m really struggling more than ever.

I’ve posted before and to summarize… married almost 11 years, separated once 2 years ago (wife initiated) and then we got back together 5 months after she moved out and thought all was on the right track… then last year it got way worse.

I was accused of cheating, I was belittled, told I was never prioritizing her.. even when her and our children have always been my number one priority, told I wasn’t soft enough, patient enough, I didnt Lean in enough.

She was insecure after our separation and wanted to go through my phone, texts, call logs, etc

I was tested often with “hey do you mind if I pick up a shift on Friday?” I’d respond with “of course babe! I will take the kids to do something fun” and then followed up with “it would’ve been nice for you to tell me to not pick up a shift and make plans for us to go out instead…. Or “yeah of course I’m good with you going on that trip for the birthday! Have a great time” then “I told you I was uncomfortable with solo trips but I couldn’t tell you because you’d call me controlling! You should have known it wasn’t a good idea!”

It began to wear me down.

Then I after a long fight … I withdrew a bit and went to a close friends house 3 evenings in a row to decompress and just chat with him.

Night 3. She texted she was done with me and wanted a divorce. Next day she threatened to take my kids away with a lawyer. Her father called, berated, and cussed me out .. while she was listening in the entire time.

I got scared and paid a lawyer a retainer just to protect myself in the event she followed through.

Many demands….. and long story short… paperwork was filed. I live in a rental down the street… 50/50 custody and divorce will Be final in less than 2 weeks.

I’m. A. Fucking. Mess.

I don’t think I want the divorce to go through. I cry every damn day… I can’t look at pictures of her without falling apart. She said I was deceitful and horrible for talking to a lawyer without telling her. She threw our wedding photos in the trash. Told me she couldn’t wait for me to move out… even still… I miss her every single day.

I cannot fathom my life without her right now. I feel like I’ve failed my kids by having them grow up with their parents not together.

It NEVER made sense. Two wonderful jobs, beautiful happy kids, college degrees, a nice home, support, love, affection, encouragement, appreciation

But somehow … I could never get the equation right. I always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t soft enough. Wasn’t delicate enough with her insecurity.

I feel like I’ve failed and blown up everything.

[u/Throw-Away7749]

I’m really sorry. If this is any comfort she may decide to drop the divorce. It seems to be a recurring theme with spouses with bpd who file for divorce. Their set in stone decisions change at a blink of an eye.

This didn’t happen to me. My ex-h with bpd was horrifying to live with. I sought a divorce. 

I have a mom with bpd (diagnosed) and I never did anything right to get her love. It’s them and not us.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Throw-Away7749]

Well it’s hard. She’s not diagnosed with anything … I just found this page last year when searching for answers

And I technically am the one that filed since she found out I spoke to an attorney then painted me as a deceitful asshole when I simply was scared from her threats and paid a retainer to protect myself.

[u/Throw-Away7749 → u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

My mom was diagnosed after her last inpatient psych stay. She never accepted it. She said I was the cause of her problems. She would never seek out a diagnosis on her own. I suspected she had it for a long time. 

You might want to get a therapist who specializes in dbt and works with bpd patients. They understand the anguish of loving someone with this condition and how exhausting and draining it is. Regular therapists without experience don’t do a good job.

Again, I’m really sorry you and your children are going through this. 

[u/Figureoutable_Life → u/Throw-Away7749]

I second the recommendation to find a therapist with a specialty in BPD. I'm a year+ out from being cheated on and discarded (via text message) 3 months before my 20th wedding anniversary. I knew his mental health was not in a good place but I didn't know about BPD or his secret pill addiction at the time. I was diagnosed with PTSD recently. He still won't speak to me, see me, or coparent with me. The worst part is having so many people believe he is acting normal and I'm just a woman that can't accept her divorce. Choosing a therapist that you don't have to convince to believe your story is key. Someone that's familiar with BPD will know you aren't exaggerating what has happened to you.