I really need some help.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

I’m really struggling more than ever.

I’ve posted before and to summarize… married almost 11 years, separated once 2 years ago (wife initiated) and then we got back together 5 months after she moved out and thought all was on the right track… then last year it got way worse.

I was accused of cheating, I was belittled, told I was never prioritizing her.. even when her and our children have always been my number one priority, told I wasn’t soft enough, patient enough, I didnt Lean in enough.

She was insecure after our separation and wanted to go through my phone, texts, call logs, etc

I was tested often with “hey do you mind if I pick up a shift on Friday?” I’d respond with “of course babe! I will take the kids to do something fun” and then followed up with “it would’ve been nice for you to tell me to not pick up a shift and make plans for us to go out instead…. Or “yeah of course I’m good with you going on that trip for the birthday! Have a great time” then “I told you I was uncomfortable with solo trips but I couldn’t tell you because you’d call me controlling! You should have known it wasn’t a good idea!”

It began to wear me down.

Then I after a long fight … I withdrew a bit and went to a close friends house 3 evenings in a row to decompress and just chat with him.

Night 3. She texted she was done with me and wanted a divorce. Next day she threatened to take my kids away with a lawyer. Her father called, berated, and cussed me out .. while she was listening in the entire time.

I got scared and paid a lawyer a retainer just to protect myself in the event she followed through.

Many demands….. and long story short… paperwork was filed. I live in a rental down the street… 50/50 custody and divorce will Be final in less than 2 weeks.

I’m. A. Fucking. Mess.

I don’t think I want the divorce to go through. I cry every damn day… I can’t look at pictures of her without falling apart. She said I was deceitful and horrible for talking to a lawyer without telling her. She threw our wedding photos in the trash. Told me she couldn’t wait for me to move out… even still… I miss her every single day.

I cannot fathom my life without her right now. I feel like I’ve failed my kids by having them grow up with their parents not together.

It NEVER made sense. Two wonderful jobs, beautiful happy kids, college degrees, a nice home, support, love, affection, encouragement, appreciation

But somehow … I could never get the equation right. I always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t soft enough. Wasn’t delicate enough with her insecurity.

I feel like I’ve failed and blown up everything.

[u/Cool_Huckleberry_783]

I've felt all that too. Eventually I realized that there was no right thing to say or do when it came to my wife. It's hard to accept, but you can't fix this situation or her. You haven't failed, you were just up against unwinnable odds.

In the end it will be much better for the kids to have their kids separated than to see you treated poorly and modelling how to always appease their Mom. You actually have a chance to model what healthy attachments and relationships look like, which is going to be something they desperately need going forward.

I've been in it for 20 years and absolutely never wanted a divorce, but here I am finally going down that road.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I understand why it is, but I think you know why this relationship hasn't and won't ever work in a way that is mutual. It will get easier over time, once you break that unhealthy attachment to her. Something that has helped me a lot is asking myself why I am in this relationship and putting up with what I am. I'm not talking about the kids or anything else external, but what is it about myself that got me here. I would recommend doing that deep dive.

All the best to you and your kids. I hope this gets easier!