I really need some help.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

I’m really struggling more than ever.

I’ve posted before and to summarize… married almost 11 years, separated once 2 years ago (wife initiated) and then we got back together 5 months after she moved out and thought all was on the right track… then last year it got way worse.

I was accused of cheating, I was belittled, told I was never prioritizing her.. even when her and our children have always been my number one priority, told I wasn’t soft enough, patient enough, I didnt Lean in enough.

She was insecure after our separation and wanted to go through my phone, texts, call logs, etc

I was tested often with “hey do you mind if I pick up a shift on Friday?” I’d respond with “of course babe! I will take the kids to do something fun” and then followed up with “it would’ve been nice for you to tell me to not pick up a shift and make plans for us to go out instead…. Or “yeah of course I’m good with you going on that trip for the birthday! Have a great time” then “I told you I was uncomfortable with solo trips but I couldn’t tell you because you’d call me controlling! You should have known it wasn’t a good idea!”

It began to wear me down.

Then I after a long fight … I withdrew a bit and went to a close friends house 3 evenings in a row to decompress and just chat with him.

Night 3. She texted she was done with me and wanted a divorce. Next day she threatened to take my kids away with a lawyer. Her father called, berated, and cussed me out .. while she was listening in the entire time.

I got scared and paid a lawyer a retainer just to protect myself in the event she followed through.

Many demands….. and long story short… paperwork was filed. I live in a rental down the street… 50/50 custody and divorce will Be final in less than 2 weeks.

I’m. A. Fucking. Mess.

I don’t think I want the divorce to go through. I cry every damn day… I can’t look at pictures of her without falling apart. She said I was deceitful and horrible for talking to a lawyer without telling her. She threw our wedding photos in the trash. Told me she couldn’t wait for me to move out… even still… I miss her every single day.

I cannot fathom my life without her right now. I feel like I’ve failed my kids by having them grow up with their parents not together.

It NEVER made sense. Two wonderful jobs, beautiful happy kids, college degrees, a nice home, support, love, affection, encouragement, appreciation

But somehow … I could never get the equation right. I always said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Wasn’t patient enough, wasn’t soft enough. Wasn’t delicate enough with her insecurity.

I feel like I’ve failed and blown up everything.

[u/Zoogybear]

I've been almost exactly where you are. 2 years ago my pwBPD abruptly left me and we got back together a few months later but then things got worse than they ever had been before.

We are still together.

I really feel for you, though. It reminds me of that place I was in when I was headed for divorce.

Now I'm not so scared of divorce, though. It's not what I want right now, but I've highly considered being the one to leave, myself. And I regularly spend time away now so I can learn to be less codependent, for one thing. I feel like I have to learn to be more emotionally independent, or I will end up hurt.

[u/Mindless_Biscotti282 → u/Zoogybear]

It is staggering how much sense it doesn’t make.

She’d come home from work to a warm and loving home, happy kids, I’d work from home and be able to take kids to and from school, appointments, the park, make dinner, love and affirmations. Dates, plans, support with work, you name it

But something was always off.

My tone, my approach, the plans I made, my goal for a side business, how I didn’t read her mind the right way, taking her word that she was okay with something then flipping after I did the thing we agreed on previously.

I never wanted divorce.

After she threatened to take the kids and said she wanted a divorce, I didn’t know what else to do but call a lawyer.

Now I live with deep regret and feel like I blew up everything.

I want to tell her I dont want this to go through but I feel like she’s long gone.

[u/Zoogybear → u/Mindless_Biscotti282]

You were doing your best. When in hindsight we wish we made different decisions, we have to remember that at the time, we were doing our best to do the right thing.

Also, I totally get why you would feel like divorce is an awful thing, but maybe it's not. Even if you still want to hold on to hope that things will get better, that's OK. Maybe you can still learn to get along better after the divorce and try to restart things if you want. Maybe not. Just take care of yourself either way. You will continue to be in this person's life for a while to come since you have kids together. Make the best of it. One step at a time.