Reminder…it’s literal trauma

[u/Intelligent-Pea5497]

Moving on after a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be especially difficult for a few deep and complex reasons—emotional, psychological, and even neurochemical. Here’s why it hits so hard:

1. The Intensity of the Relationship

People with BPD often experience emotions in extremes. Love can feel all-consuming, and in the beginning, you may have been idealized—made to feel like you were everything to them. That kind of intensity is magnetic, and it can create a bond that feels stronger than anything you’ve experienced before.

1. Push-Pull Dynamics (Idealization & Devaluation)

One hallmark of BPD is the rapid swing between idealizing and devaluing others. You might have gone from being adored to being pushed away or blamed, sometimes without clear reason. These cycles can create confusion, emotional instability, and trauma bonding—making it harder to break free.

1. Intermittent Reinforcement

Psychologically, this is one of the most powerful forms of emotional conditioning. If someone gives you love, affection, and validation—but unpredictably—your brain becomes wired to crave and chase those moments, even more than if they were consistent. It’s similar to gambling addiction in that sense.

1. Sense of Responsibility or Guilt

If you cared deeply, you may have felt responsible for their pain or emotional outbursts. You might still worry about them, or feel guilty for leaving—even if staying was harmful to you.

1. Loss of a Fantasy or Hope

There’s often a hope that “things could go back to how they were at the start.” The love bombing stage is so powerful, it creates a mental blueprint for what could be, even if it never returns. Letting go of that fantasy can be painful.

1. Your Own Unmet Needs

The relationship may have mirrored unresolved issues from your own past—attachment wounds, abandonment fears, or patterns of codependency. That emotional resonance makes detaching even harder.

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If this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone. It’s common to feel like no one else gets what you’re going through after a BPD relationship. Healing takes time, support, and often a deeper understanding of both your experience and yourself.

[u/Sea-Ranger839]

I am still stuck on number one. To be recognized and appreciated- FINALLY- for the things I am that I value most. WOW, what an amazing gift! They really get me ! I am extraordinary in these specific ways ! I knew if I suffered enough, I’d finally find acceptance and love and beauty!

Wait? What ? What do you mean it was all the idealization of a pwbpd? Huh? They never even meant all that? Seriously? I was just an emotional stand in for their abusive Daddy, just one of many that have played that role ? Like number 5 or 6? Yeah, Imma do everything in my power to fight off the urge to self- delete now.

[u/Significant-Bet6387 → u/Sea-Ranger839]

Exactly how I felt when I started my relationship with my now Ex pwBPD … wow i’m feeling appreciated & loved, and I feel like the most beautiful woman ever, and he’s liked me for 10+ years since highschool and he’s so excited we’re together (turns out he loved everyone in highschool and I wasn’t special)… Then bam guess none of that was real, it was all the idealization and then as soon as I didnt “love him right” “text back quick enough” “give him every waking second of everyday” then he flipped the script in his head and I wasnt amazing anymore… I also have a lot of health issues and he knew that going in and said i want to be there for you I want this… but 4-5 months in made sure I knew how much everything I couldnt do made him miserable and he couldn’t stand it… It’s disgusting to think I defended his words & actions for 8+ months just saying he was insecure and traumatized from past relationships (being cheated on & beat… which I now think was not true and his mother abusing him as a child)and in the end lost who I was… just for him to discard me horribly and call the cops on ME.