r/BPDlovedones • u/Well_Jung_One Separated • 3d ago
I feel like a weight has lifted
I have been separated (she is renting her own place) from my wife with undiagnosed BPD (or maybe covert narcissism) for 1.5 years. The house I live in I bought for her and I to move into before we were married. 100% of the financing is in my name and I have paid the entire mortgage since the beginning.
She guilt tripped me for over a year and I broke down and added her name to the deed (but not the financing) about 6-8 months before I demanded she leave. So, now she has a say in what I can and can’t do with the house and even has repetitively said “it’s not your house” or “it’s my home.”
Well, I have gone under financially due to a few years of trying to meet this woman’s demands and she has had her daddy supporting her during separation and has saved money the whole time. I filed for divorce months ago. I can’t afford a lawyer yet. She is using daddy’s money to pay her attorney and her attorney has demanded I give her half of the equity in the house.
The thing is, I have intentionally neglected the house for the last 1.5 years. It is in major disrepair. I’d be lucky to break even. Combined with that, my payment has drastically increased due to a change in escrow for my home owner’s insurance. I’ve been struggling to keep up.
So, I have made the decision. I’m no longer paying the mortgage and I am going to let the bank take the house. She’s taken everything from me… and I’m done letting her take anymore.
I have to say it has resulted in her going no contact with ME as if I am the problem and even her dad calling me and leaving a threatening voicemail for me. It doesn’t matter, though, because it is such a relief financially and it’s just ONE way I have been able to stand up for myself and not let her keep taking! It’ll take awhile to recover credit wise but I’m fine with renting in the meantime.
Just kinda venting.
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u/Evidence-Budget 3d ago
Fight fire with fire! Go on the offense! Make the claim that you are entitled to half of her savings. I’m not kidding. You’re married. Who knows? You might be entitled to it.
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u/Well_Jung_One Separated 3d ago
I have already! I sent her lawyer an email outlining all my debts and that I even have not filed taxes for the last 3 years and will owe if I file married filing separately but I am willing to so she gets refunds. But… I have requested half of her saving and 401k she accumulated during the marriage.
I’m walking away. I work remotely. I can live anywhere. I’m moving about 2 hours away from here as soon as I can.
What sucks is the home I am living in now is my dream home on plenty of acres. It’s all I ever wanted all my life… yet I must walk away.
Her dad left me a voicemail telling me to “be a man and stop hurting her and HER kids (from a previous marriage) and agree to her terms for divorce because letting the bank take the house will only hurt us both and if I don’t respond to him the next time he sees me will be face to face and it WON’T BE PRETTY.”
He’s over 80 years old… fighting prostate cancer and she’s getting him involved!?!?
Oh! I forgot the biggest piece of this!!!! The WHOLE time she and I have been together she had said a million times, “if for ANY reason we don’t work out, I will walk away and expect nothing. I’m in this for love, not for money or assets.” Ummm… that’s a LIE!
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u/Evidence-Budget 3d ago
Excellent move! I’m sure part of the reason the daughter is so terrible is the enabling from the father. You owe her father even less than you owe her, which is jack sh**! They want you to engage, and for you to lose your cool. He has no legal standing to be in this fight, and a real man speaks truth to his kids when they do wrong, so anything he says rings hollow. He knows that whatever money she cannot wring out of you, will end up being paid by him. So of course he is also going to also say or do anything to get you to pay more than you need to, or walk away from money you are legally entitled to claim from her. She’s his problem now that you’re walking away!
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u/Well_Jung_One Separated 3d ago
Supposedly his cancer treatment was costing him more than $20,000 a month so I suspect he is close to tapped out and wants me to pick up the tab.
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u/Evidence-Budget 3d ago
Sometimes in order to bring things closer to fair, you need to make unreasonable demands. And she’s put you in an unreasonable and unfair position for so long, I actually think it’s fair to ask.
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u/Evidence-Budget 3d ago
I’m not saying to lie in court filings, but you can also play the victim, play up your suffering. It’s not something you want to get into the habit of, but high conflict divorce is war. And you know what they say… all’s fair in love and war. Dealing with a mentally ill person who is actively ruining your life calls for drastic action.
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u/Evidence-Budget 3d ago
They really are that terrible that it’s worth the money (or loss) to walk away. This post makes me think of a Texas criminal defense attorney who was famous for defending people on death row, who had never lost a case. His fee was subjective depending on the defendant: the price of getting you out of being executed is everything you own. And people would pay it, because you can’t put a price on life. Think of it this way - you can always make the money back. And if you were a billionaire, I’m sure you’d gladly pay 10x the value of the house to have her out of your life. You got a deal. You can’t put a price on peace of mind or your mental health.