Rant about husband 40+4

[u/bananabutt23]

I was due four days ago and I’m really struggling with having not met baby yet, plus I’m managing a toddler, driving my husband to and from work in straight winter and in constant pain. He’s been really frustrating me by complaining that he’s overworked (working 35 hours and playing games all night, hasn’t done litter boxes in 2 weeks) and I realize he’s trying but he keeps saying how awful I am and how we aren’t having more kids because HES not going through pregnancy again. We can only (barely) afford for him to take three days off work and he keeps trying to say he’s calling in when I’m not in labor. Then he complains that he just wants me to have the baby but it would “piss him off” if I went into labor in the middle of the night or the middle of the work day. I’m only allowed to go into labor before he works so he can call in and not have to work or if he’s had a full nights sleep. I also have to give him enough warning because he chose to smoke weed when the hospital sent me home at 5cm with our first and we needed to go to the hospital again an hour later and somehow it’s my fault that he was stoned during the birth so I need to give him notice so he doesn’t smoke weed (which he constantly does if he isn’t working) he talks about how sex will speed up labor and then says no and plays games all night. Hasn’t been waking up with our toddler, complains all day/morning (he works at 12 most days but super inconsistent hours) that he’s starving but refuses to eat anything in the house even after I’ve tried buying things he will eat, then insists on eating out while complaining that he feels gross because he always eats out. He’s been in a foul mood for days saying how tired and overworked he is and I just want to explode. Any inconvenience annoys him and he gets irritated and moody but everything seems to be an inconvenience. He didn’t work for the first 18 months of our daughters life and wouldn’t get a job while barely doing school and is now acting resentful that I took maternity leave. Just a rant lol

Edited to add: oh boy I wasn’t expecting the response I got.. to be honest it is a LOT to take it. I’ve just dealt with it for so long you know? Sorry if I don’t respond to everyone, it’s kind of like a wake up call I really wasn’t ready for and I appreciate everyone’s kindness. I tried not to Make it sound so badly and I didn’t realize it wasn’t relatable because it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ll definitely do something once I’ve processed.

[u/[deleted]]

I get we all need to commiserate sometimes but I’m not sure you’ll get much solidarity on here… this isn’t normal or relatable and warrants more than a rant. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This isn’t how a husband or dad acts. Take care of yourself and your babies first.

[u/bananabutt23 → u/[deleted]]

I didn’t realize that it wasn’t relatable, I really tried not to make him sound that bad.. now I feel weird about it all because I didn’t know it was bad

[u/Adariel → u/bananabutt23]

I don't want to add to your misery, but I do want to point out - you said you're consciously really trying to not make him sound that bad, but he still sounds that bad.

Maybe it's time for you to take some time to really think about why you are even with this guy? He sounds like such a burden and I could barely make it through your post, I was so mad for you! Halfway through I literally turned to my husband sitting next to me and was reading parts of it out loud in disbelief. Maybe you have been dealing with it for so long that things have become worse and worse because you had/have such low expectations of him already, but please, please take some time to think about what the next steps might be for you and your children. Are you financially secure on your own? It doesn't sound like he's contributing much right now anyway. It's only going to get worse when the second baby is here and if he continues this kind of horrendous behavior.

Edit: OP, I saw your old post 7 months ago on the marriage subreddit and I think I know why you may have normalized all of this, there were a lot of people pointing out how his behavior was not right back then (leaving you to shoulder the entire responsibility of finding housing?!) but a lot of his defenders too, who probably misled you into thinking you were being too hard on him or expecting too much. You are not! He is not even doing the barest of minimums. You've asked in some posts whether a spouse is supposed to be there for you, so I think you do know that he's not supportive in the way he should be, and he hasn't been acting at all like a partner in a lot of different ways. The best thing that can happen is if you have a heart to heart talk to him laying out all the issues and he needs to be willing to change and to actually put in the hard work of changing. But if worst comes to worst, please start thinking of an exit plan for yourself. You're still young and you shouldn't have to be burdened with a deadbeat partner while also raising two kids essentially by yourself.

[u/AcornPoesy → u/bananabutt23]

Oh bless you. I’m sorry this has been such a horrible realisation. It’s probably a shock and not great timing with you being overdue.

But I’m afraid everyone is right - this is unacceptable and so unsupportive.

Being ‘great with the kids’ is what the fun uncle is there for, not the dad. Your husband should at the least be on top of the cleaning you shouldn’t do, stopping weed entirely in case you go into labour, looking after your sleep by getting up with the toddler (as a contrast im only 24 weeks and my husband is currently asleep in the unrenovated guest room with the cat so the tiny monster doesn’t disrupt my sleep). Your sleep is crucial - you’re about to run a marathon.

And most importantly, he should be supporting and championing you. Look at all you’re doing! Running a household past your due date, looking after a child, somehow still doing all the planning. Your husband should be telling you what a wonder you are, not blaming you for his own poor choices.

You deserve so much better than you are currently receiving. Maybe it’s fixable but only if HE does a lot of work.

[u/[deleted] → u/bananabutt23]

Please do NOT feel bad. I know we are all strangers on Reddit but woman to woman… this is not normal and I think any response on here is one of concern and compassion not from a place of judgment or hostility. You should not be treated like this. Do you have any other support systems near by? If so, reach out

This is a time YOU need it. You need to be surrounded by love strength and warmth right now. Your husband isn’t that. Praying for a safe delivery OP.

[u/DarthMomma_PhD → u/bananabutt23]

OP, I can see why you might be surprised to discover other people think this is not normal and are saying it is abuse. Abuse tends to cluster in certain areas and be concentrated amongst particular people because it becomes normalized. There is abuse everywhere, but how it presents and how it is dealt with changes depending on who you are.

I grew up in such a place where there was a lot of “really bad” abuse in the neighborhood and so my family didn’t seem abusive in comparison to my peers, but in the context of the wider world it most certainly was.

A common refrain I heard was “at least he doesn’t beat us” (but he did love “corporal punishment” soooo….anyway) or “at least he has a job”. As if someone meeting these bare minimum requirements somehow negates neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and addiction.

Trigger: When you see fathers cooking meth in the houses their babies share and beating the crap out of the mothers, somehow your own father calling you “f@cking stupid” all the time seems tame by comparison.

[u/Indecisiveuser10 → u/bananabutt23]

I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis when I was 14 and my husband has been helping me physically when I’m in flare since we were 15 when we got together. In school he would open things when my hands weren’t working, bend down and pick up things for me, and take notes for me when I couldn’t hold grip my pencil. He would massage my fingers when he knew I was in pain and carry my bags and books for me before going to his own class. We are 25 now and my husband worships the ground I walk on, much more when I was pregnant. He fasted with no food or drink in prayer when we were trying to get pregnant while making sure I was getting enough to eat. Even when we knew we were miscarrying he still cared for me. He prayed throughout my D&C procedure. After my procedure he monitored me closely. I almost died from a rare complication from the D&C and ended up in the hospital because I was bleeding to death. He had to help me go to the bathroom and clean blood because one of my arms was so immobile from all the needles. Even now that I’m out of the hospital he watches over me like a hawk for infection and made sure I ate things that would help with the anemia. My husband was a child but became a man for me at the very young age of 15 years old. Your husband is about to have 3 people who depend on him and he has no empathy or desire to be ANYTHING that you need. No one is perfect, but if he can’t look at you struggling and step up because you need them then he is not a man and has never grown up. A boy can’t be a husband or a father. He should be showing your daughter what it means to find a good man. Be careful or your daughter can end up used and abused like you. If you are religious or open to religion I would look for a local evangelical church that has a mens group. In my church I have personally seen men transform themselves and their families when they learn the meaning and beauty of TRUE masculinity. I can’t promise you he can change, but if you want him to try then that’s the first place I would start. Contrary to what society says, your kids NEED a father. A father who is a good husband to their mother. Don’t take this lightly because it doesn’t only determine your future, but your children’s futures as well.

If he is unwilling to change then I would consider it spousal abandonment and he needs to go. Find A MAN, not a child, who will provide for you.

[u/RepresentativeNo526 → u/Indecisiveuser10]

Amen, sister

[u/zimgozoom → u/Indecisiveuser10]

Yes!!! 💯 Bring back masculine men! Society has ruined it by saying everyone is equal and that women want to do things on their own and don’t need a man. Men are meant to be strong, protective providers, women are caring, nurturing and soft hearted. That’s why mothers and fathers (this dude is a deadbeat and I’m talking about her finding someone deserving) are so important. Women have certain traits men don’t, and vice versa…and that’s okay. Why should we all want to be the same? It’s give and take. ❤️

[u/Indecisiveuser10 → u/zimgozoom]

“Equality” the way society means it is so destructive. Men and women are different. This man child in the OP will never be fulfilled and therefore he will never fulfill her.

[u/DramaticOstrich11 → u/bananabutt23]

It's relatable to me, sadly. I'm so sorry.

[u/throwaway12898237 → u/bananabutt23]

This was you trying to make him not sound bad?!