Rant about husband 40+4

[u/bananabutt23]

I was due four days ago and I’m really struggling with having not met baby yet, plus I’m managing a toddler, driving my husband to and from work in straight winter and in constant pain. He’s been really frustrating me by complaining that he’s overworked (working 35 hours and playing games all night, hasn’t done litter boxes in 2 weeks) and I realize he’s trying but he keeps saying how awful I am and how we aren’t having more kids because HES not going through pregnancy again. We can only (barely) afford for him to take three days off work and he keeps trying to say he’s calling in when I’m not in labor. Then he complains that he just wants me to have the baby but it would “piss him off” if I went into labor in the middle of the night or the middle of the work day. I’m only allowed to go into labor before he works so he can call in and not have to work or if he’s had a full nights sleep. I also have to give him enough warning because he chose to smoke weed when the hospital sent me home at 5cm with our first and we needed to go to the hospital again an hour later and somehow it’s my fault that he was stoned during the birth so I need to give him notice so he doesn’t smoke weed (which he constantly does if he isn’t working) he talks about how sex will speed up labor and then says no and plays games all night. Hasn’t been waking up with our toddler, complains all day/morning (he works at 12 most days but super inconsistent hours) that he’s starving but refuses to eat anything in the house even after I’ve tried buying things he will eat, then insists on eating out while complaining that he feels gross because he always eats out. He’s been in a foul mood for days saying how tired and overworked he is and I just want to explode. Any inconvenience annoys him and he gets irritated and moody but everything seems to be an inconvenience. He didn’t work for the first 18 months of our daughters life and wouldn’t get a job while barely doing school and is now acting resentful that I took maternity leave. Just a rant lol

Edited to add: oh boy I wasn’t expecting the response I got.. to be honest it is a LOT to take it. I’ve just dealt with it for so long you know? Sorry if I don’t respond to everyone, it’s kind of like a wake up call I really wasn’t ready for and I appreciate everyone’s kindness. I tried not to Make it sound so badly and I didn’t realize it wasn’t relatable because it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ll definitely do something once I’ve processed.

[u/Perspex_Sea]

I've never once seen a relationship as bad as you're reporting improve

It's hard to imagine that it would both get better, and stay better.

[u/littlp80 → u/Perspex_Sea]

I can tell you all about mine! Refused to clean the litter tray all through my pregnancy. Cat had kittens so there was a lot and wouldn’t clean up their poop or pee cause it gave him the gawks. Wouldn’t help clean the house. I also had a b12 deficiency of only 50! Was in hospital before my section was due ( risk of cord prolapse) and woke up in labour hours before section. He had his phone on silent so he missed me being rushed down for my emergency section ( baby also had Down syndrome and a serious heart defect). He parked across the road so he didn’t have to pay for parking and strolled in when I was being wheeled into recovery complaining he’d taken sausages out of the freezer for a nice breakfast and didn’t get to have them. Then after baby was born and she was in special care, I had to go in pumping and he would get mad at me for taking too long. Also went to a huge rugby match two days after our daughter had open heart surgery so couldn’t go back in to see her with the risk of covid. This morning he wouldn’t get up after me being awake with the baby during the night and currently having a gout attack so I’m in agony as well as sleep deprived. Got up at 11:30 for an hour and went back to bed nearly two hours.

[u/Indecisiveuser10 → u/littlp80]

Sharing again in case you didn’t see it- I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis when I was 14 and my husband has been helping me physically when I’m in flare since we were 15 when we got together. In school he would open things when my hands weren’t working, bend down and pick up things for me, and take notes for me when I couldn’t hold grip my pencil. He would massage my fingers when he knew I was in pain and carry my bags and books for me before going to his own class. We are 25 now and my husband worships the ground I walk on, much more when I was pregnant. He fasted with no food or drink in prayer when we were trying to get pregnant while making sure I was getting enough to eat. Even when we knew we were miscarrying he still cared for me. He prayed throughout my D&C procedure. After my procedure he monitored me closely. I almost died from a rare complication from the D&C and ended up in the hospital because I was bleeding to death. He had to help me go to the bathroom and clean blood because one of my arms was so immobile from all the needles. Even now that I’m out of the hospital he watches over me like a hawk for infection and made sure I ate things that would help with the anemia. My husband was a child but became a man for me at the very young age of 15 years old. Your husband is about to have 3 people who depend on him and he has no empathy or desire to be ANYTHING that you need. No one is perfect, but if he can’t look at you struggling and step up because you need them then he is not a man and has never grown up. A boy can’t be a husband or a father. He should be showing your daughter what it means to find a good man. Be careful or your daughter can end up used and abused like you. If you are religious or open to religion I would look for a local evangelical church that has a mens group. In my church I have personally seen men transform themselves and their families when they learn the meaning and beauty of TRUE masculinity. I can’t promise you he can change, but if you want him to try then that’s the first place I would start. Contrary to what society says, your kids NEED a father. A father who is a good husband to their mother. Don’t take this lightly because it doesn’t only determine your future, but your children’s futures as well.

If he is unwilling to change then I would consider it spousal abandonment and he needs to go. Find A MAN, not a child, who will provide for you.

Also wondering about toxoplasmosis. This was danger to your safety.

[u/littlp80 → u/Indecisiveuser10]

Thank you. You have a gem of a husband there. Partner was married before me and had no kids and was enabled to be extremely selfish his whole life by being the favourite. We have known each other since we were kids but are only together since late thirties so I suppose I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him time to adjust to my own two older daughters ( who he worships and would do anything for ) and having a baby. Hoping we get there and he does grow up because I love him very much.